Friday, July 27, 2007

Big goings on here at Amalgamated Shmuck aka Big Fugly Inc.

For those of you who haven't been bored into alienation by my crappy blog may recall the big hubbub(sp?) caused here last winter when I wore a sweater vest. Well, today word is flying through the building that I'm wearing shorts. "Is it CASUAL friday?" "Did I miss a memo?" "Shorts, huh? Hm....."(disapproving frown)

Keep in mind Jerk has worn T-shrits, Jeans, Football/Hockey/Baseball/Basketball (and even a Soccer jersey once) to work on a pretty regular basis. Nobody says diddly. I wear shorts.......HUGE stir. People are strange. When you're a stranger. Faces look ugly. The Doors had no bass.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

My "If you're gonna remake an old SciFi flick.." list pt.1

In no particular order....

When Worlds Collide

I thought for sure this would get remade when all the "Earth is gonna get smashed by outer space rocks" movies came out. Get the right people involved, make sure Ben Affleck isn't crying like a little bitch in it or better yet, not in it at all and this would be gold.

Forbidden Planet

Normally, I'd say don't mess with perfection (Anne Francis..grrrrrooowl), but I know there are tons of people who will NOT watch an old movie at gun point. Those loser...um..guys, are missing out on this great version of The Tempest (Hey, I aint no heathen, I know some Shake Spears!) With a bigger budget, the right cast i.e. don't put Ben Affleck in it crying like a litte bitch, or better yet, not at all and you've got gold AGAIN! My favo(U)rite quote from this one? "Would 60 gallons be sufficient?".

Mad Max

Another movie I thought might get redone when all of the "Fast & Furious" types came out. This movie, along with Top Gun taught me that you don't want the nickname "Goose".

It Came From Outer Space

Similar to Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but with a happy ending. This one could be good if done right. I mean, it IS good, it could just be better and creepier if done right. They'd have to change the name of course and NOT have it in 3-D. I actually think that M. Night Shyamalan could do a great job with this one. It's kinda up his alley. Speaking of alley.....

Damnation Alley
(The only clip I could find on YouTube)

The Jan-Micheal Vincent Masterpeice (Hey! JMV was the MAN. Shut up!) kinda, sorta based on the book by Roger Zelazny would be another goody if handled WAY better than this. My love for cheesy, low budget, movies forces me to recall this one with fondness.

....and poor grammar.

The Incredible Shrinking Man
(Warning: This is the ending. Dont watch this if you wanna see the movie)

I truly do not think you can do this BETTER, just updated, for dorks who will not watch a B&W movie. This is one of my all time favo(U)rites. The genius what is Richard Matheson wrote it so how bad could it be, right? Sadly, if Hollywood did it now, it would be over the top, non-stop action with NONE of the deeper meaning or emotion. The ending speech is just awesome. "To God, there is no zero. I still exist.".

Thanks for reading.

More to come....

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

one of us now....

So, the other day I went to see "Chuck & Larry". It was ok. Wait to rent it. If you just can't wait, go see the matinee if you can find a theatre that still offers cheaper prices. All I can truly recall about it is an equally hot/terrifying scene involving 5 or 6 asian girls running around in their undies.

This post isn't about that. Not Chuck & Larry OR my irrational fear of asian women. It's about the trailer I saw for the movie The Invasion. When it first started, I thought "Whoa, somebody remade The Andromeda Strain?". That's cuz the trailer doesn't start out with the title. Once it got going I was all" Geezus, ANOTHER remake of Invasion of The Body Snatchers?!". This has to be at least the 3rd or 4th one that's been made, right?

First you had the classic..

"They're already here!!"

Then there was the laate 70's one....

(Jerk points finger at you) "Wwwwrrrroooaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrghh!"

Then there was the one with that hot chick.....

(Jerk...um....yeah I got nuthin)

I'm pretty sure there was a Roger Corman produced or some other cheapo 80's version with a different name that was the same thing, and this isn't even counting the movie The Puppet Masters which is based on Robert A. Heinlein's book that came out BEFORE Invasion of The Body Snatchers so the movie seemed like a bad "Snatchers" ripoff when really all these flicks are good Heinlein ripoffs. Kind of like when those crappy Allan Quatermain movies starring Richard Chamberlain & Sharon (ugh) Stone came out trying to cash in on the Indiana Jones action. Indy is a really, really good ripoff/tribute to Allan Q who's stories predate the Speilberg/Lucas stuff by almost a hundred years. I digress...

It get's me thinking about how many MORE versions I'll see before I croak and wondering why nobody can seem to come up with an even halfway original idea in Hollywood. M. Night Shayamanamanamanon I thought had something, but he's turned into a one trick pony. It's a good trick, but after awhile it gets old. If you're gonna remake old SciFi stuff I can rattle of a list of some flicks that would be awesome with the right people and decent money spent. Lemme get some work out of the way and I'll be right back with that list, k?

Monday, July 23, 2007

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I'm bringing doofus back

Friday, July 20, 2007

A post that will bring me tons of Google hits.

The guys I work with watch WAY too much porn.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Dear Minneapolis reader,

Who are you?
Why do you stop by so often ('specially since I haven't been interseting in a year)?
Is there a Maxiapolis?
Why don't the Vikings play outside and get a weather advantage in the winter, like back when Fran "The Man" Tarkenton (Yes, I have his jersey) played? Now they're a wussy dome team. Didn't you see how Indy only won it all when they made sure they played inside?
How come nobody talks about St. Paul?

Monday, July 16, 2007

Holiday Jerk

I'm alive. (Hooray or Sorry to whomever)
I took a lil vacation; got away from the world for a bit and learned words like "whomever" and how to take a stab at using a semicolon.
I'm back and not really refreshed. It would've been quite relaxing if not for housing with a clinically insane member of my family (I'm not joking) who has over the years attempted to kill both grandparents and my mom. Sleep did not come easily. The only plus really was that I was away from work. It was an odd experience to say the least.

I'm back, looking forward to posting stuff and heading to Photogirls blog to peep me some lovely "Little Bird".

Peas out,

Jerk

Monday, July 09, 2007

Blogger won't let me title posts today.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Happy Friday!

Let there be rock - AC/DC
Check it out, Angus with short hair!


The louder, the better.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

You don't wanna work or whatever it is you're doin today anyway.

TERROR AT 20,000 FEET
Pt. 1 = Approx. 9mins

Pt. 2 = Approx. 9mins

Pt. 3 Approx. 2mins


Bonus: Funny, but only if you watch at least pt. 2 & 3

Cuz ees funny, no?

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Q & J pt. 1

KOM was kind (twisted?) enough to hit me back with questions after I "interviewed" him on his blog. Since my "Muse" hath left me I need something to do, right? So, without further ado (whatever that is) here we go....

1) One of my best friends is getting married on 7/7/07. I think there should be an Iron Maiden song to commemorate - what are the lyrics (double plus-good points for guitar tab!)?

First, I'd like to point out that King Diamond already recorded The Seventh day of July, 1777 so the "7" thing has been done.

Nextly, your buddies wedding wouldn't get the ol' Maiden juices flowing HOWEVAH......there WAS
a historic type battle
fought on this date and that would be right up Maidens alley (or lower); or perhaps I should joke that they already wrote a "wedding" song and post the lyrics to Hallowed Be Thy Name, I shant. This of course is all hypno....hippothem......make believe, so allow me to describe a Maiden tribute to your buddies impending wedded *cough* bliss.
It would be in the key of G.
It would start out with the ubiquitous Steve Harris "trotting" descending bassline (Doombitty doombitty doombitty...).
A slow building "rata-tat-a-tah rata-tat-a-tah ratat-tat-a-tah tickity TAT" would kick in
Then Paul Dianno (Yes, early Maiden would better suit this tune) would belt out a "come on YEAH!" and all Maiden-ish heck would break loose as the guitars do a nice harmonized "Dee-dah d'dah, dee-dah d'dah dee dah dee dun-uh-nuh nun-nuh-nuh" type thing. It's pretty easy to capture this for anyone that wore out the first album, "Killers" and "Maiden Japan" (I own "Maiden Greece!" on VINYL EVEN!). If you really want TAB for this gimme a few days to putter around and find my insta-tab program. Here's some lyrics set to a Phantom of the Opera/Charlotte the Harlot-ish song....

Wed or Dead?

She took your heart
You'll take her hand
You lost your head
I understand.....

But all the boys
who love their toys
think that you've gone mad.....

Don't waste your time tryin' to expliain....
All they understand is pain.......
They'll get in your head and eat your brain.....(um, this IS early Maiden we're talking about, man.)
Don't listen when they say...

then the chorus I guess, probably some join in/audience particpation thing like..

Better DEAD, than wed!
they yell..
Better DEAD, than wed!
it's Hell...
Better DEAD, than wed!
you cry...
Better DEAD, than wed!
But why?

Then the Maiden "Bum bum bummmmmm" break followed by a little mellow, interludey (I made word!), overused but warm and familiar arpeggiated b5 chord type thing...

This is where Dianno was better than Dickenson, which, to some Maiden fans is heresy to say, but true.


Oooooooooh, but you look into her eyes.....
and you know love's true....
Yeaaaaahhhhh, you look into her eyes......
and know that love's for you.......

Cuz you, you foudn out that blah blee blah blah blah...
There'd be more lovey dovey type words for a bit and then the slow building "Trot" and drum thing would start up as Paul would hold the last note out and build with the music... Yeah....love is for youuuuuuuuuu..ooooooooohh......whooooaaaaaa.......yeeeeeeeeeee-AAA-AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Do I need to go on? If you know Maiden, you get it, if not, you'll never get it.


I'll be answering these one post at a time. Here's what you have to look forward too.


2) I've read too much Sci-Fi for my poor little brain, but one thing has always stuck with me: I think it was Odd John in which a little girl was able to telekinetically remove the fluid from an all too full bladder, and release it far away. In a Haiku, please describe the sensation of your bladder being suddenly voided.

3) I've been hearing rumors about "vintage" beers; beers that are brewed with cinnamon, coriander, naked virgins sacrificed under a full moon... Simple question: Are you on board? If not, tell me how Belgian Trappist beers are the best ever tasted (kind of a personal love, you may have noticed -- but if I'm wrong, lie to me anyway!)

4) This one's for your hard-core crowd: You've always promised to detail the 'Vanessa thing'. Have time or distance allowed you to expand on the theme?

5) This is my blog, so I get more than a little leeway. Is that a word? It is now! So: Describe Lascivious Polyphony, not as it is, but as you have experienced it! That is, give me a run-down of the last several years in half-forgotten innuendo and amusing crossovers. What does the person who isn't in my brain take away from that which is Lil' Ol' LP?

What does Downtown Julie Brown say? Wubba wubba wubba.

Monday, July 02, 2007

It's Monday