Solo or so low?

I didn't used to understand addiction. My mother quit smoking a year or so ago, and she mentions, almost daily, how badly she wants a cigarette. How it's always there, this....wanting.

That's how it's been lately with me wanting to kill myself. More and more it feels like the obvious thing to do. I know it's not. That it makes no real sense, but that's not how depression works. It makes no sense. it is insanity. I'm crazy. Why would anyone want to kill themselves?

I have no one to talk to about it.

I'm sure there are people who know me that would talk to me about it. But, they wouldn't "get it", ya know? Other people, must i guess, don't give a shit at all. These would be the "Just go ahead and do it then, loser! Fuck you!". I get them. They've got their own bullshit to deal with in life,right? So, why WOULD they care about someone else's pain, trouble, shoe size, handedness..etc. They wouldn't.

I feel I'm rambling, babbling right now.

There goes the CRAZY I was talking about! Ha! (Runs finger up n down over lips) Bebulebuhleebu!

Awhile back, i mentioned that my girlfriend was in the hospital for a rare illness, and then her father passed away on the day she was being released from said hospital, and that he died right there in front of her. Well, the whole thing has just triggered this domino effect thing that just plain sucks. It doth. truly.

I don't indent.

SHe has suffered from depression ever since. See, he contracted(?) a type of pneumonia that one usually gets from being in the hospital for long periods of time, and that effected some rare thing he had, that then jacked his pancreas up....that chased the cat, that ate the mouse, that ate the cheese that killed the man that Jack built. She was in the ICU for 3wks. He was there every day. She blames herself for his death. If she hadn't gotten sick, he wouldn't have been there, he wouldn't have gotten sick....you can guess the rest. Because she thinks it's her fault he died, she hates herself. SHe tells me that she wished she had just died. SHe doesn't want to live. To be here. She hates life. Not the usual "I hate my life" crap, but life. LIFE. She HATES being alive. All of this crap makes her just hate herself. She thinks I should move on, go away, that I deserve somebody better...i don't know, tons of crap.

Awhile back I joined Facebook (resistance is futile!). I don't know what to write on there for the update crap, and certainly didn't want to be one of those people that puts every. damn. thing. they. do. on there. Jeff is eating a sandwich. Susan needs coffee. Hank has a tumor. You know what I mean. 500 updates a day about mundane shit. Aaaanyway, I decided I would try and be different, so I would post movie quotes and have my friends try to guess the movie. Sometimes, I would do a name that tune thing where you guess the song from the lyrics...whatever. Well, she would check my FB and see all these people knowing shit that she didn't know, and think that there was another reason she isn't "The One" for me. You know, because she hasn't seen Capricorn One or some stupid movie. Then, she stared seeing all these girls on there talking about hockey, movies, music, sandwiches...whatever. Bam! She then starts telling me that I'm LOOKING for someone else. I'm not. Well, Facebook then turned into something that just triggered bullshit and fights all the time. So, I deleted my account. THEN, she stars crying and telling me how she really DOES suck and why would I want to be with someone that makes you STOP talking to your friends...etc. So then NOT being on Facebook was causing problems. No matter what was going on, there was no correct thing to do. I was/am always in no win situations. It all goes back to her thinking she's this horrible person, and I'm just pretending that I'm happy with her.....it's just this non-stop, tiring thing.


So....I can't convince her, get her to believe that I love her and am happy with her. I'm not happy with how things ARE, but it's not HER ya know? It's all just making ME feel worthless and like a huge failure in life, the universe and everything. I've battled depression as long as I can rememebr. I was one meds in my teens, got better, stopped, was fine for awhile. I got down again, really down, had a nervous breakdown, got CBT therapy. It worked, for awhile anyway, but lately I just can't seem to talk my way out of all these negative thoughts. I think, no I know, that if I owned a gun, I would've ended it by now.

I feel worthless. Useless. Pointless. I AM just taking up space. There are so many great people. I'm not one. I don't even know what the hell I'm trying to say.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I just feel like I don't belong here. I just don't do things right. I can't do things......right. Whatever "right" is. I'm not good at being a son. Not a good friend. I failed at finding someone, getting married, having a life, which is what I thought we are SUPPOSED to do. Grow up, get a job, find someone, get married, live die. I grew up! Woohoo! I've had jobs! YES! The rest......I fail. I'm failing right now with my current girlfriend.

My depression lately, is not a "boo hoo, woe is me." thing. I'm not crying as I write this and feeling sorry for myself. It's that I really don't see WHY I'm here. There is no reason for me to be here. Other than going to work every day, doing my job, going home...lather rinse repeat....I do nothing.....useful? Maybe that's not the word. Reason?

I have no reason. No point. I am pointless. without point. lol

I provide nothing. I am not leaving it better than I found it. I should just step aside, and let someone else have the air, food, water, what have you...that I"m am using up. Al Gore should do a movie about me, and how I'm slowly killing part of the world. lol

There should be more to me. I have a hollowness. I don't know....I don't know how to put it. I"m not like everyone else. I'm not supposed to be here.

This post, like me, was pointless.