Jerk of All Trades

Gamorrah in the front, and Sodom in the rear

2011-10-12T10:54:00.001-06:00

Better poker player.....Thomas or Judas?

The DaVinci Goad

2011-05-20T21:59:00.002-06:00

Feeling better.

....

I play guitar. Or rather, I try.
There are times when I can't play songs I know correctly. I can't play songs I've "written". I can't even seem to practice scales, exercises....anything....
And I wonder if Beethoven ever took an axe to his piano, or if DaVinci ever stabbed the canvas with his brush and threw it all across the room in frustration.....or if it's just the curse of Simpleton.

To paraphrase Gump....I am not a smart ma-yun..but I know wut SUCK is.

...

I get the weirdest spam on this blog. There's an old post about when I jacked my knee up, that apparently is hugely popular with Russian folk. Mm...russian spam. I'm sure the can is red with a backwards P or some shit.

Hopefully, Twitter hasn't killed your attention span to the point of not being able to get past the first 150 characters, because there's some awe inspiring, "Thank goodness I got to read this before The Rapture occurred!" type crap I've just written. That is....if you're reading this before Saturday night. If you're reading this after.....well...um....I applaud your ability to get internet service in the Afterlife.

.....good for you.

Peace be with you, not peas.

Solo or so low?

2010-11-28T11:31:00.002-07:00

I didn't used to understand addiction. My mother quit smoking a year or so ago, and she mentions, almost daily, how badly she wants a cigarette. How it's always there, this....wanting.

That's how it's been lately with me wanting to kill myself. More and more it feels like the obvious thing to do. I know it's not. That it makes no real sense, but that's not how depression works. It makes no sense. it is insanity. I'm crazy. Why would anyone want to kill themselves?

I have no one to talk to about it.

I'm sure there are people who know me that would talk to me about it. But, they wouldn't "get it", ya know? Other people, must i guess, don't give a shit at all. These would be the "Just go ahead and do it then, loser! Fuck you!". I get them. They've got their own bullshit to deal with in life,right? So, why WOULD they care about someone else's pain, trouble, shoe size, handedness..etc. They wouldn't.

I feel I'm rambling, babbling right now.

There goes the CRAZY I was talking about! Ha! (Runs finger up n down over lips) Bebulebuhleebu!

Awhile back, i mentioned that my girlfriend was in the hospital for a rare illness, and then her father passed away on the day she was being released from said hospital, and that he died right there in front of her. Well, the whole thing has just triggered this domino effect thing that just plain sucks. It doth. truly.

I don't indent.

SHe has suffered from depression ever since. See, he contracted(?) a type of pneumonia that one usually gets from being in the hospital for long periods of time, and that effected some rare thing he had, that then jacked his pancreas up....that chased the cat, that ate the mouse, that ate the cheese that killed the man that Jack built. She was in the ICU for 3wks. He was there every day. She blames herself for his death. If she hadn't gotten sick, he wouldn't have been there, he wouldn't have gotten sick....you can guess the rest. Because she thinks it's her fault he died, she hates herself. SHe tells me that she wished she had just died. SHe doesn't want to live. To be here. She hates life. Not the usual "I hate my life" crap, but life. LIFE. She HATES being alive. All of this crap makes her just hate herself. She thinks I should move on, go away, that I deserve somebody better...i don't know, tons of crap.

Awhile back I joined Facebook (resistance is futile!). I don't know what to write on there for the update crap, and certainly didn't want to be one of those people that puts every. damn. thing. they. do. on there. Jeff is eating a sandwich. Susan needs coffee. Hank has a tumor. You know what I mean. 500 updates a day about mundane shit. Aaaanyway, I decided I would try and be different, so I would post movie quotes and have my friends try to guess the movie. Sometimes, I would do a name that tune thing where you guess the song from the lyrics...whatever. Well, she would check my FB and see all these people knowing shit that she didn't know, and think that there was another reason she isn't "The One" for me. You know, because she hasn't seen Capricorn One or some stupid movie. Then, she stared seeing all these girls on there talking about hockey, movies, music, sandwiches...whatever. Bam! She then starts telling me that I'm LOOKING for someone else. I'm not. Well, Facebook then turned into something that just triggered bullshit and fights all the time. So, I deleted my account. THEN, she stars crying and telling me how she really DOES suck and why would I want to be with someone that makes you STOP talking to your friends...etc. So then NOT being on Facebook was causing problems. No matter what was going on, there was no correct thing to do. I was/am always in no win situations. It all goes back to her thinking she's this horrible person, and I'm just pretending that I'm happy with her.....it's just this non-stop, tiring thing.

So....I can't convince her, get her to believe that I love her and am happy with her. I'm not happy with how things ARE, but it's not HER ya know? It's all just making ME feel worthless and like a huge failure in life, the universe and everything. I've battled depression as long as I can rememebr. I was one meds in my teens, got better, stopped, was fine for awhile. I got down again, really down, had a nervous breakdown, got CBT therapy. It worked, for awhile anyway, but lately I just can't seem to talk my way out of all these negative thoughts. I think, no I know, that if I owned a gun, I would've ended it by now.

I feel worthless. Useless. Pointless. I AM just taking up space. There are so many great people. I'm not one. I don't even know what the hell I'm trying to say.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I just feel like I don't belong here. I just don't do things right. I can't do things......right. Whatever "right" is. I'm not good at being a son. Not a good friend. I failed at finding someone, getting married, having a life, which is what I thought we are SUPPOSED to do. Grow up, get a job, find someone, get married, live die. I grew up! Woohoo! I've had jobs! YES! The rest......I fail. I'm failing right now with my current girlfriend.

My depression lately, is not a "boo hoo, woe is me." thing. I'm not crying as I write this and feeling sorry for myself. It's that I really don't see WHY I'm here. There is no reason for me to be here. Other than going to work every day, doing my job, going home...lather rinse repeat....I do nothing.....useful? Maybe that's not the word. Reason?

I have no reason. No point. I am pointless. without point. lol

I provide nothing. I am not leaving it better than I found it. I should just step aside, and let someone else have the air, food, water, what have you...that I"m am using up. Al Gore should do a movie about me, and how I'm slowly killing part of the world. lol

There should be more to me. I have a hollowness. I don't know....I don't know how to put it. I"m not like everyone else. I'm not supposed to be here.

This post, like me, was pointless.

I like it fried

2010-07-04T01:25:00.001-06:00

That last post has more Spam than Hawaii.

Wuddup Blog?

2009-12-15T19:19:00.002-07:00

SO....

Back in August my girlfriend almost died from Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. Fun.

Then...

On the day she was going to be released from the hospital her father had some kind of attack right there in her room....21hrs later, he was dead. Sepsis, brought on by a rare pneumonia. Fun.

Now...

I'm a temp at the craphole I used to work at, because nobody else seems to want to hire me.

Woo.

Hoo.

Believe it or not, life is pretty good.

FOR NOW.....(Dun Dun DUUUUUUNNNNN!)

Meh.

"Fear & Loathing in Denver" or "The Thompson is a Lonely Hunter"

2009-03-23T13:24:00.003-06:00

Hello.

Due to a threatening email from "California Kay", I am "back" writing. Sorta. I think.

Why now?

I don't know.

Perhaps it's because, even though I don't really know Kay (Does anyone REALLY know anyone?), I like her. I dont like many people, and yet I like lots of people. I'm very deep that way (or at least that's what I keep telling myself), I have a love/hate relationship with the human race. Although, most of the time I lean waaaaaaay towards the hate. Aaaaanyway, Kay had(?) a nasty bout of this thing called Cancer. You might have heard of it. She seems much better now. I'd like to think that my dumbass humor and whatever it is that makes some people like me helped in keeping her spirit up (or at least that's what I keep telling myself). So, I guess in a way, I feel I owe her. I mean, if with all the crap she's been through, she still is interested in what I have to say...took the time to track my MySpace page down and write a threatening email....I gotta do it, right?

Besides, she's tiny, cusses like a sailor and kinda scares me. I mean, if a big, fat, angry bitch came at me all pissed of and crazay, I'd probably slap that bitch down to save my life, but a teeny tiny, angry lil broad? I'd be like the comical elephant terrified of the little mouse.

Perhaps, it's because I just felt like it.

Perhaps, it's "The Voices" making me do it.

I say we blame that lil fuzzy headed garden pixie, Kay.

So, here we is....

You're prolly axin yourself (Note to new readers, if any, I don't really spelled that crappy. I "act" stupid to hide just how smart I am. ....ar at least that's what I keep tellingf myself)...you're prolly axin "What's J been up too?".

No?

Well, lets just act as if...

What have I been up too?

Nuthin.

Not a goddamn thing. I quit my job in July, which seemed to be RIGHT before the economy went totally in the shitter, and I took a 4-5 month vacation. I did nothing. I didn't even get as fat as I thought I would. Nuthin, Main, I dids nuthin.
The last couple months I've been looking for a job, and since I'm picky, lazy and picky, I'm not having much luck. Sure, the gas station down the street is hiring, and Arby's needs people, but that aint for me. I'm your typical lazy, spoilt American, some jobs are below me.....or at least that's what I kee.....meh, let's end that joke now, k? It's old like Ross Peroit's pecker. Whoever that is (I know; but he's old and dropped off, dig?).

So, um, where was I? Ah yes, nothing. I'm a pretty good saver, and don't have many bills, so I've been doing alright financially, but I'm running out of dough. I better find something fast.

What else? Hm....I watched a documentary called "Heavy Metal Baghdad" today. It's about this metal band in Iraq and all the bullshit they have to deal with. For instance, they can't grow long hair because that might give someone cause to kill them. The place they practiced got blown to shit by a missle along with their gear. They have to be back home by 6 in the evening because the psychos come out at night and all Hell breaks loose. Kidnappings, killing, robbery....shit, you name it. Gunfire and shit blowing up constantly, day and night, everybody paranoid and stressed out, all the time....it's both and uplifting story and a depressing story. Fuck governments and greedy nutjobs and assholes who try and twist religion into hate and people who WANT chaos. Fuck all those guys. Nobody should have to live like these people have to in the middle east and other wartorn choatic parts of our planet. Fuck all the Chaos-mongers who perpetuate all this crap. I hope they all drop dead tomorrow and leave all us folk who just want to live and love and laugh.

Ok, I'll quit bitching.

FOR NOW! (Dun dun-dun)

Seen the movie Role Models? I hardly ever, EVER laugh outloud, but I did when I saw it in the theater. I just bought it. That's some funny shit. Goodhearted, too. I recco...recomm...you should watch it.

Ok, so that's my update....
I'm stupid
I'm lazy
I'm kinda fat
and I'm almost broke

Oh, and I hate a large portion of the human race.

Good times....good times.....

Peas out, Bloggo's.

P.S. The title was inspired by what's on the TV in the background. I watch Biography on A&E whilst I'm being lazy and fat and hating and stupid and lazy.

The End

2008-12-29T01:19:00.000-07:00

I did it myyyyyyy waaaaaayyyyy!

Goodnight, everybody!

X!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

God (or Elvis) bless us, everyone!

I hope you got everything you wanted.
....and by "everything you wanted" I mean laid.

....and maybe The Dark Knight on dvd.

Nuthin' Sweet About ME

2008-12-12T14:28:00.002-07:00

Hi all! I live! Sure, I had Salmonella for awhile, and let me tell ya, that SUCKS, but I'm still alive and kicking.
....Well, ok, not kicking, but alive.

Today, I've had Gabriella Climi's "Sweet about me" stuck in my head for no apparent reason. I mean, I haven't heard this song in MONTHS, so I don't know why I was humming it. Well (I sure write the word well a lot), I know why I'm humming it, I dont' know the words.
...and I can't sing.

Anyhoo..

I diecided I'd pop onto Youtube and give it a listen again and while I found IT, I also found some cute little(Ok, 21 isn't little) french girl who I think sings it better. Maybe better isn't right. Maybe I just like her voice better. *shrug* Let me know what you think.
Original:

Gexalex (Youtube name) version:

Yeah, I know the sound quality isn't all that good on the second one, but still. Good stuff.

You're welcome.

What else have I been up too? Well (there it is again!), I've been UNsuccessfully trying to find a job. I thankfully cleared out an IRA I had JUST before the bank I had my money in went to Hell in a handbasket a few months ago, so I have some money, but I better find something in the next couple months or I am quite screwed. Quite.

I've been learning some new songs. Since I have all this free time, I've been playing guitar again after a few years of barely picking on up.

Here's one I've been jamming today, although not quite up to speed. Quite.
Killing Floor by The Jimi Hendrix Experience.

I always say the full band name when I talk about the music because I think a lot of people forget just how awesome the WHOLE band was. Jimi, Noel Redding on bass and Mitch Mitchell on drums. Awesome. Quite.

I'l type atcha later. Hope you're well.

Quite.

So....um..I bought a guitar today.

2008-11-05T15:20:00.002-07:00

Betcha can't guess which one.

Parrot, Ox and Contra Diction

2008-10-16T01:15:00.001-06:00

I've been reading up (litterally, I was laying on my back) on Dada. Dadaism. I get it, I think (therefore I am), but it's confusing and I believe it's meant to be. It's art that's supposed to be anti-art or rather a way of saying that art, any art is not greater than anything else, art or otherwise. I think. Anyhoo....

When I read this kind of crap (See, I'm embracing Dada already!) my dormant (doormat?) brain tries to work and shoots off in a billion (say it Carl Sagan style) different...um....neuron...flashy...directions...n'stuff.

It got me thinking, and I know Warhol said this with his soupcan painting (and others before that weird little soulsucking elf and his Carol Channing hairdo), but isn't a toilet just as much a work of art as the Mona Lisa? No? Didn't someone think it up, slave over the design of it, every curve, straight line, thickness, depth....practical function, discarding what was not needed, having to do without some cosmetic beautiful thing that might be too much (or not enough) for what it is?
If a God made you, every flower, every butterfly, every color of the rainbow..didn't this God also make every rock? Dirt? Slime? Then if man makes a toilet, isn't he just as much one with God in that moment as Davinci was at any moment when he created? How about you or I? Isn't our "art" just as beautiful or relevant as all that hangs in any museum?

"Well, I'm not very good." In comparison to who (whom?)? Jackson "let me flick some paint and become genius" Pollack? Isn't all the art on every refridgerator in this world just as good or appreciated as all in the Louvre? What if one day we cleaned house and threw all of it out? Would all say "Fuck it, we'll never be able to replace all that or do better"? No, because if that were the case why would anyone anywhere be creating anything? We all make art and yet don't. Your baloney sandwich might make me weep at it's sheer luncheon meat perfection, while my rambly blogpost might make you scratch your head and say "what...the...". There's a toilet in every house, but not a Mona Lisa. Is it less a work of art because you shit in it, or possibly more?

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but I'm having a decent time trying to say it.

Another thing...related or not:

Say you hated green (g'head, say it), the color not the environmental movement. You hate green and you spend every available extra bit of your day (Look, blatant lack of commas!) eliminating green from your sight. No green in the house. No lawn, just rocks. High fences to block your view of neighborly greenage. You hate green....should green be capitalized here? Green. You hate Green. Green is an odd looking word isn't it? I digress...

You hate green. Loathe it. Well, what are you without green? Hasn't green become your life? Your reason for existing is to void the green. What if you somehow got rid of it all, found a "cure" for green? Do you now go on with your life or do you have to get rid of green-ish things too? No more blue-green? Do you get rid of blue and yellow now too, due to possible conspiring to make green? At what point do you become one with the thing you want nothing of? Aren't you forever locked in eachothers(two words?) embrace?
I ask these questions because I cannot fathom how so called "Non-conformists" can't see that there is no possible way to NOT conform to something.
For instance, I recall being a young Punk/New Wave skater kid. I rattled off all the crap about Anarchy....being yourself....not conforming to what society does, thinks, blah blah blah.
Well, I can recall my epiphany on conformity. I was 15. I had the silly haircut, wore all black attire, had my leather jacket (Gabba gabba hey)....and I'm sitting in the corner of this teen club whilst this girl, Courtney, rattled on and on to this preppy college boy doing a paper on Punk (or trying to nail little Goth hotties, who knows...) about how we're all anti this and anti that and we're our own free thinking individuals who do our own thing yaddity blah bleeger blah....
Meanwhile, I'm getting this in one ear and looking around the room.
Group of Skinheads*? Check
Group of guys and girls who all look like The Cure? Check.
20 or so Mohawks? Check.
Flock of Seagulls/long bangs folk (my jackass self included)? Check.
Geebus on toast! WE ALL FUCKING LOOK THE SAME! I had seen the enemy (enema?), and it was us! I felt stupid. Worse, I was completely surrounded by idiots. I'd heard the "We're not like everybody else!" line from all of them. This was no new movement, radical ideal, it was crap. "Non-comformity has a conformity all it's own" is right. I'd allowed myself to dupe m'self. Dumbass. I became the Abyss (good movie, not what I mean. Screw you, Neitzche!) what with all my staring.

Again, don't know what I mean, but it's scary how I can ramble on like this when I don't do drugs and haven't had a beer in days, huh?

Methinks my attempt at depth has been wasted, much like all the time you lost reading this.

"I didn't mean to take up all your sweet time. I'll give it right back, one of these days." - Voodoo Chile/Jimi Hendrix

My house smeels like lemons and my girlfriend snores quite softly.

Smooches.

*I cut the Skinheads some slack, because they know they're conforming. The whole point of joining is to conform, be the same. Still though, there's anti-establishment bullshit involved, and I'm not even talking about the Nazi Skinheads that make all Skinheads look bad.

The Body Politic

2008-10-10T12:49:00.002-06:00

Personally, I believe that both parties suck. Neither does anything but point fingers at the other party and say "Look how bad those guys are over there!". Democrats are anti-Republican. Republicans are anti-Democrat. Truthfully, you could go into Washington D.C. today with the host from Survivor and hand out two different colored headbands telling them that we're making two new "tribes", mix them all up and set them back down on opposite sides of the room, hall, building, city..whatever, and business would go on as usual. It's all about making the other guys look bad and making as much money for themselves as possible. If you trully think that any of those cats in D.C. give a shit about the everyman and his/her life, you need your head examined.

I guess what I'm trying to say is....

I'd bang Sarah Palin.

Nobody can eat 50 eggs

2008-09-27T12:53:00.002-06:00

Actor Paul Newman has died.

Our world just lost a whole bunch of coolness.

Tone

2008-09-21T02:13:00.001-06:00

What an odd looking word.

I wish there were a way to acurately convey tone on here. Should one, and by one I mean me, that is I, the person blogging, slap a ton of those damn emoticons before or after every sentence or paragraph?

It rained today :(
:/ I think I shouldn't have eaten that bean dip I found in the back of the fridge :/
Why don't you go phuc yerself! :)
Why DON'T you go phuc yerself? :*

Some have read my crap for years(!), yes years(!). Not here mind you, but an old blog. Some remember the funny stuff, some the whiney, and some the bitchy. Not to mention the ecessive use of commas and poor grammar.

....or the lack of an X in the word excessive.

What I'm getting at is that no matter how I may write something, that is, how I mean it, you're (not your) just going to assign a tone to it however you want, right?
What if I don't know how I feel? Would that have any effect whatsoever on how you read this? I mean, as long as you didn't know that I didn't know how I felt about whatever.

Hm....

Let's proceed (another odd looking word that I probably spelled wrong.).

Have you seen Fight Club? Ya know that part where Ed Norton beats the snot out of the pretty boy and when Brad Pitt asks him what that was all about he says something like "I wanted to destroy something beautiful."?

I did that.

Well, I didn't beat the snot out of anybody and I didn't want to destroy something beautiful, I just did. I did; and as much as I'd like to fix it I feel like I don't deserve it anyway. Phuc me, right? I fucked it up. I did my damndest to go about shit in the worst possible manner, or that's how it seems anway. Phuc me. Fuck. Me. I don't deserve it. What emoticon should I use here.....? :l? :\? Is there a blank stare one?

Next up.....

I had a slight plan. I went after a dream. I got fucked out of a few thousand dollars (fucked myself out of a few thou?).

On we go...

I've been avoiding pretty much everyone on earth. I'd be no fun to be around. That is assuming I ever was.
I feel like a huge.....void? No. Gap? Hm...I'm a.....bleh. Yes. I am Bleh incarnate. I am become Bleh.

I miss.

I'm missing....something.
I'm missing something in the details or something in ME.
Perhaps I'm missing a bit of butter to make my bitter batter better.
Maybe I missed an episode, got up to go to the bathroom and missed a key part of the plot.
Missed my plane, train or automobile.
Misplaced my keys?

I'm missing something.
I'm MISSING something.
I'm missing some thing.

Puzzle without a piece.
Puzzled without peace.

I feel a part of my has always been hollow. Head. Heart. Soul. The hollow just moves from one location to the next and it's wanderlust is driving me batty.

I miss. Miss out(?).

Miss.

Out.
(Insert appropriate emoticon)

the cake is a lie

2008-09-16T23:31:00.000-06:00

"If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." - Gramma

Blue Cheese

2008-07-28T21:46:00.000-06:00

I dreamt that Brett Favre was traded to the Raiders and that they were set to play the Eagles in the Superbowl.

How odd would THAT be?

Hello Blogness my ol' fren

2008-07-28T11:12:00.002-06:00

....

hm...

Ya know, I actually have stuff going on, big things happening, major shake up/changes....and I STILL don't seem to have the ability/need/whatever, to write about it. I am officially...dull.

GAH!

I'm mayonaise.
I am white bread.
I am bland.

Boring.

Who wants to read about boring? Geebus, you prolly gots tons of boring laying around the house! You don't need MY boring, do ya? Wait....is it one of those "Gee, and I thought MY life sucked" kind of things? You know, you read about my life and then you don't feel so bad about yours? "Man, I thought my life was dull and couldn't carry a tune to save my life, but THIS GUY....thank The Great Eyeball(tm) in the sky I'm not THAT bad off.".

If so, if I am doing you good, providing a service (Bom chika-bowm-bowm..), then I shall write about my boring.

Let the boring commence!

.....just not right now.

Well...the boring is constant, I just mean I'm not gonna write about it just yet.

(cough)

Later skater.

Dear God,

2008-07-20T00:23:00.000-06:00

:ppppppppppppppp~

Sincerely,

J.

It's "You're welcome.", not "Your welcome."!

2008-07-01T09:09:00.007-06:00

Your [pronounced - Yohr, Yor]–pronoun
1. (a form of the possessive case of you used as an attributive adjective): Your jacket is in that closet. or I like your idea.

2. one's (used to indicate that one belonging to oneself or to any person): The consulate is your best source of information. or As you go down the hill, the library is on your left.

3. (used informally to indicate all members of a group, occupation, etc., or things of a particular type): Take your factory worker, for instance. or Your power brakes don't need that much servicing....but your mother does.

Your [pronounced - Yoor, Yu-er] Contraction of the words You and Are as in You're certain that's right? or You're using YOUR, when you should be using YOU'RE.

Dear Texters and Emailers,

I don't own a WELCOME! If you do, then I'll mention how nice YOUR Welcome is sometime, and then you'll say "Thank you" and I'll say YOU'RE (You Are) welcome!!

OK?!

GOT IT?!

GOOD!

My First Car

2008-06-25T09:50:00.001-06:00

A Plymouth TC3. White. Sweet ride.

...and by "sweet ride" I mean "It got from Point A to Point B and back again a few times".

The Unfunny

2008-05-23T09:45:00.001-06:00

Remember when I wrote about the Dane Cook phenomenon?

Here, is a perfect parody of his unfunniness. Although, this guy is funnier in his unfunniness than Dane Cook is.

Thanks to Jen at Casual Slack for the hookup.

My biggest fan

2008-04-23T06:32:00.001-06:00

One time I wasn't paying attention to where I was standing and I was trying to describe some stupid thing and I stuck my hands up in the air......right into the ceiling fan. Luckily(?), I was just at the edge of the blades so one smacked my hand and kinda sliced my palm open a bit with it's little seam type thing on the edge of the blade, and the blades smacked the fingers of my left hand, bending them back and bruising the phuc out of the side of my ring finger. Thankfully(?), my left hand slowed the blades down. If it'd been on high, I think I would've broken a finger or four.

Pay attention kids.

Hey, Santa does it! Kinda....sorta...in a way...

2008-04-05T17:40:00.003-06:00

One day I was running late, and it was right before my bedtime when I realized I didn't have any clean pants to wear to work. So, I did a load of laundry, and just threw one pair of pants into the dryer and went to bed. The lateness carried over to the next day and so I showered, and grabbed my pants out of the dryer, got dressed and bolted off to work.

At the end of the day, when I got home I was taking my shoes off when I noticed something baaaaaaarely poking out of one of my pant legs.

In my haste to get a pair of pants washed and dried, I failed to notice that I hadn't emptied the load of socks I had dried earlier.

I had gone all day at work with a nice, thick, white athletic sock stuck, by the magic of static, to the inside of my pantleg.

GAH!

A wave of brief horror went through me as I realized, that at any point during the day, the sock could have flopped out further or completely come out and made it look like I stuffed my pants to make it look like I have a large packet.

I check the dryer to make sure it's COMPLETELY empty before I throw a new load in now.

A Dud

2008-03-22T17:53:00.006-06:00

Way back when I was a wee lad of 10 or 11, I was enrolled(?) in a summer camp. It wasn't a sleepaway camp or anything. They actually picked you up in a van in the morning, took you to do different activities during the day and then dropped you off around 4pm. It was only a Monday through Friday thing so you had to find your own fun on the weekends. Some days we went to a pool and swam until noon, then they took us to a small theatre where we'd see some old flick like the original Planet of the Apes (You blew it all to HELL!!!! DAMN YOU!!) or we'd be forced to sit through a horrible Benji movie. More time than not it was a double feature, I can't recall all of them, but they mostly sucked. We'd go bowling a lot. Anyhoo...
This "camp" was a citywide thing, they'd pick up kids from all over the place and we'd all meet up together at some park for lunch. You got to meet kids from all over town, and by kids I mean girls. Sweet, pretty, nice (usually) smelling, mysterious girls.

Well...

One time this guy on my bus (Everybody said bus instead of van. I never could figure out why), I can't recall his name, fell in deep like-like (Love was ucky. You 'member.) with this girl from another bus. So, every day he'd admire her from afar, but never, ever, ever, everever, go talk to her. I think he was 12. Who knows how old she was. Well, one day I got tired of him going on and on about how pretty she was and blah blah blah, so I pretty much triple-dog dared him to go talk to her. That's right, I said it, in a total breach of etiquette I went straight to the triple. He wussed out. I made fun of him. He said "Well if you're so brave Mister Smart-guy, why don't YOU go ask her what her name is n stuff?!".

So I did.

Ha!

Wuss!

I went up and said hi. Asked her name. She asked why. I said my friend liked her. She asked which friend. I went to point him out. He was nowhere to be found. She and her friends giggled. I said that he was too shy or sumthin. They giggled some more. I said I'd go get him. They asked my name. I told 'em. Bye. Bye.

I didn't see him until we were leaving the park. I continued the wuss calling, but I told him her name. No, I don't remember it. It was a looooong time ago, didn't you read the friggin Benji reference? Stupid dog. THAT'S when Chevy Chase started being UN-funny, that damn Benji movie.

Benji.

Bleh.

A few days later we were at another park for lunch and we happened to park RIGHT next to the girls van. Homeboy ducked (OK, we didn't say Homeboy back then. My buddy ducked) and then promptly disappeared on me again, and this was after a few days of "I'll talk to her next time! I mean it! I'll show YOU!". Yeah.....POOF. Gone. After all the kids scattered and the girls weren't around, he made an appearance again. This time he wanted me to go talk to her for him and to give her a gift. A box of Milk Duds. I KNOW! Milk Duds! I TOLD you he like-liked her!

*cough*

So....

I said no way. If he wanted her to have them, HE had to go talk to her and give them to her. He said ok; but I had to go break the ice first. Sigh....ok. Stupid wussy. I track her and her friends down. They're sitting in the shade enjoying the lovely weather. I RE-tell the whole deal. More giggling. They ask where he is this time, and juuuuuust as I'm about to turn to point him out here comes Wussboy, running full friggin tilt past us, like some sort of WWII movie strafing run where a plane is swooping down from out of the sky, it's bullets kicking up rows of dirt as it flies past(!), but instead of shooting at us, Wussboy, he launches the box of Milk Duds at her.

SMACK!

Right in the chest.

.....

No giggling.

"Um....that was him."

.......

I said sorry and promptly left.

There Will Be Blood

2008-03-09T16:27:00.000-06:00

Did you know that if a girl/woman has an extremely low amount of iron in her system combined with thin vaginal walls, that she could almost bleed to death during her period?

Nether did I until my girlfriend almost passed out on monday from "heavy" bleeding. Apparently, if one bleeds too much and they have a very low level of iron, that since their body has become used to it, a transfusion of "normal" blood could cause them to go into shock and could KILL them.

Interesting, no?

She's fine.

Take your iron ladies.

Tagged with a Crazy Eights thing

2008-03-06T09:13:00.003-07:00

Thanks Jen. Thank you SO much.
(read: Sarcasm)

8 Things I’m Passionate About -
- Fruit (Get it?! Passion.....fruit...Passion fruit?! Get it?!)
- My hobby of jersey collecting
- Sex
- Having Fun
- Mexican food
- Reading
- Sleep
- Coca Cola

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die -
- Live longer
- Go to Alaska Again
- Go to the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto
- Jessica Alba
- Find a job that I enjoy going to every day
- Win Powerball
- See a NHL game in every NHL city
- Find a current picture of Jen

8 Things I Say Often -
- Awesome
- How so?
- Pfft..
- Just sayin..
- Nice
- Sweet!
- You wish
- Late (instead of "Later" or "I'll see you later". I do this on the phone. I can't stop.)

8 Books I’ve Read Recently -
- Moby Dick (again)
- Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane
- The Amber Room by Steve Berry
- Piecework by Pete Hamill
- Nothing like it in the World by Stephen A. Ambrose
- The Game by Ken Dryden
- The Cabinet of Curiosities By Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child
- The Ice Limit by Preston & Child

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over -
- Airwaves - Thomas Dolby
- Should've Known Better - Mica Paris
- Deliverance - Opeth
- Right Down the Line - Gerry Rafferty
- Roads to Madness - Queensryche
- Amanda - Boston
- Superbad - The Amazing Mr. Please, Please, himself.....James Brown
- The Land of 1000 dances - The Wicked, Wicked, Wilson Pickett

8 Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends-
- Humor
- Taste in beer
- They bathe
- They give me food
- Intelligence
- A basic loathing of the human race
- Taste in music
- Magic

I'm supposed to tag 8 other people. I shant.
:P

I got some for ya...

2008-02-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

Hey, why do some children feel the need to let loose a bloodcurdling SHRIEK(!) as if they were just stabbed in the eye with an ice pick or stumbled upon their mothers severed head, when they are merely playing tag or some such nonsense?

Why do some people TELL you what your thinking? You know, those folks that are trying to manipulate you, whether they are conscious of it or not, they're trying to get a reaction, or to find out what you really think. "I know you're ignoring me because you know how much it bothers me. I know that you probably think that I'm blah blah blah when I'm not!" You know what? Shut the fuck up. I won't play your phuct up little game. I have never in my years on this rock had one of these accusatory(sp?) dorks guess right. You DON'T know what I'm thinking. You DON'T know why I'm doing or not doing shit. You know why? Because you're not talking TO me, you're talking AT me and saying all the shit you want to hear. Fine. Go ahead and ramble on, get it out of your system and when you're done with your little pity party or whatever it is, come back to Jerkville and we'll hang. I don't play that bullshit. Never have. Never will.

Are eggs meat? The Catholic part of my family and my Catholic buds are all doing the lent (caps?)/ no meat on fridays thing and they're all ok with cramming eggs in their pieholes. Aren't eggs PRE-chickens and therefor meat? Nobody's ever given me a straight answer on this one. I think that eggs are meat and yer all foolin' (F-f-f-foolin'.... Aw, f-f-foolin'...) yourselves.

William.......F........Buckley...(deep breath).....has....died. Nobody paused like that dude. So long, Bill.

Why are they Chipmunks? Shouldn't they be Nutmunks? Woodmunks? I dunno.

U.F.O. means Unidentified Flying Object, not flying saucer from another world, k? If'n you look up in the sky and you're all "wtf is that over there?" then you can't identify the object which is in the sky. Even if a second later you can clearly see that it's a plane, briefly, you did, in fact, see a U.F.O.......and then you identified it. Most of what people see is experimental aircraft, top secret shit. If ther is life out there, I seriously doubt they're here to skin cows and rape your ass. Little grey men with huge noggins aren't sucking our goats. Grow up.

Now, Bigfoot on the other hand, that dude's real.

Just sayin.

Crunch time

2008-02-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

Why do the folded over potato chips taste better than the "normal" potato chips?

Jerk's Emergency "OMG...I forgot it was Valentine's Day!!!" Plan: The reprint

2008-02-14T10:45:00.005-07:00

Or The "So you want to see her naked this month?" backup "Please don't kill me in my sleep" escape plan.

This seemed to go over well last year, so let's rehash shall we? Yes, let's shall.

(U's have been added for the Canucks in the crowd)

1) DON'T PANIC!! There's still time. Even if you're reading this late in the evening you've still got time to save your ass. Er...."prove your love". You're just going to need to make sure you get the basics and are sincere. This means you have to actually like the girl, not just want to bang her. Women, even stupid ones, gain at least 30 IQ points on this day and they all put new batteries in their bullshit detectors this past weekend. Try to remember, football season ends....new batteries. Superbowl after party = New batteries. Write it down somewhere; because I know you guys, your memory is for shit when it comes to important "Don't piss women off" stuff.

2) Get flowers. ANY FLOWERS. Roses are two to three times as expensive as they were a week ago and they're probably sold out at most florists so your cheap ass needs to score them elsewhere. Now, because you're a dumbass (Dude, they've been pushin V-day for a month. All the red balloons and stuff. I feel for you, I've been there, but I've learned from my mistakes.) and spaced this holiday out, you've missed your chance to gain bonus points by sending flowers to her at work. Women, even ones that don't like flowers, love...and I mean LOVE, all the attention flowers bring. You know that feeling you get when you show off your new putter, or get a great deal on a gas grill that's twice as big as your neighboUrs? THAT is what it's like for women who get flowers. (Write this one down for next year too.) It's too late for that now. Go to Sam's Club or Costco. They usually stock up on a crapload of flowers, even roses, and they dont seem to charge as much as a florist. I'm not just telling you about prices because I know you're cheap and/or broke, but because if you DO happen to have some extra dough, get as many flowers as you can get. If for some reason they're out or all that is left are wilted, ucky ones with a huge sunflower in the middle, OR you dont live anywhere near a Sam's Club or Costco, get your ass to the grocery store! Get whatever they have, ANY flowers. You're doing damage control at this point ok? Any flowers are better than NO flowers.

3) If you've got around a $100 to spend, forget the flowers all together and get your ass directly to a jewelry store! Tell the pretty girl there how much money you have to spend. She'll know that you're trying to save your life, she'll have already dealt with at least 3 other "Dead men walking" this afternoon. She's there to help you. Go with a bracelet or a necklace. I say this because I know that if you forgot it was Valentines day, you probably aren't 100% sure if her ears are pierced. If you show up with earrings and they AREN'T pierced, you've blown it. IMPORTANT: Do NOT get a ring. Not just because it sends the "I want to get married" kind of vibes, but if you get it too big it's "You think I'm fat!!!" and if you get too small it's "OMG...I'm a big fat pig!! How can you want to be naked with a fatso?!!" , either one means you get no lovin. No rings. Just like with the flowers, ANY jewelry is better than NO jewelry. Don't decide that because you don't have a lot of money, to NOT buy any. Women don't just wear diamonds buddy. They buy themselves any pretty, shiny thing they like. Just as much, or more "costume" (fake, you dork) jewelry is purchased by girls as the real deal. Shiny/sparkly + Pretty = happy, smiley girl. It doesn't have to be big or real. If you're broke, you can go to one of those smaller "fake" jewelry stores that are jam packed with teenage girls. Again, ask the nice girl there to help you, don't just grab any damn shiny thing. If you're not spending a lot of money, you still want it to be as shiny/sparkly as possible, not the crap where all the silver paint rubs of in a week or the cheap metal turns her green. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about then that is EXACTLY why I'm telling you to ask for help.

4) If you can, get flowers AND jewelry. Even if it's the $10 mixed small bouquet (a bunch of flowers in a clear plastic funnel lookin thingy) and some $30 pendant (a small shiny thing on a necklace) you're good.

All of this is because on this day, the thought really DOES count. If you forgot it was Valentines Day they think that means you forgot about THEM. Nothing on Valentines Day means you dont care about them at all. Use your brain. Today is not the day to just tell them they're pretty, you gotta show them you care. Yes, I know it's a made up, commercial thing created to sell cards, flowers and candy, but I've never heard a story about a guy getting laid using that arguement. Never. Ever.Ever. Go get her something. Now.

If you completely phuctup and you're reading this on ~~Thursday~~ Friday....

DON'T PANIC!!!

You've blown your chance to get lovin NOW, but you can still save your ass enough to maybe get some on the weekend or at least next week.

Maybe.

You'll have to do everything I just told you about, but now you've got to go BIGGER. A lot of flowers OR nicer, REAL jewelry. Dont do BOTH, because then you'll just piss her off. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either, but somehow it falls in the "no imagination" category. Trust me, if you go TOO big, you'll just piss her off. One or the other. Really nice flowers OR nice jewelry. At this point you'll also need to do something personal. You're going to have to.......think. Yes, I know! Deep breath..... It's going to be ok. You can do this. Does she have a favorite place to eat? A favorite chick-flick? What's favoUrite coloUr? You're going to need to go, do, buy something that relates to her. Something that is personal in some way. I can't help you there, I dont know her, you're going to need to think of something.

If you've messed up really bad, gotten in a fight or gotten the cold shoulder, you're going to need to use the entire weekend to spoil her. The weekend is when you go over the top. At this point, you won't piss her off by going big. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either, I'm just telling you what I've learned from my own and some of the bonehead mistakes our fellow men have made. You can save yourself by pampering her this weekend. She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't drive.....you take care of everything got me? It's gonna be tough, but you can save your neck or much lower.

IMPORTANT: None of this will work, NONE of it, if you're not really meaning any of it. Be honest. Be sincere. Even if you're bad with words, tell her she's pretty if you think she's pretty. Tell her she's nice 'n stuff. Tell her you like how she smells. Yes, even if you just say "You smell good", if you MEAN IT, you're good.

Now ladies, guys like stuff to ya know. Think food. We like food. There was a short lived TV show years ago where a couple had a fight and the woman gave her husband two six-packs of his favoUrite beer, or as he called them when she handed them to him "Oooo...Guy flowers!". A dozen "Guy Flowers" would be nice. After that, just take your shirt off and press up against us, we'll take it from there.

Have fun.
Be honest.
Be nice to each other.

G'nite.

Conspiracy theory

2008-02-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

So.....how are you?

Gooooooood.

The other day I went out and gots myself a new high techy thinga-majig to replace my old cellphone which died during the worst weekend ever in recorded "Jerk" history. Said gizmo allows me to get online from anywhere in the world(!), well anywhere in my town anyway.
Now, over the course of the past 3 years blogging has gone from something I did a lot of and really, really enjoyed to more of a "Meh, whatever...." thing. Sometimes I'd think of something I wanted to post about, but I wouldn't be anywhere near a computer, and by the time I did....poof, what ever it was had drifted off into the Ether.
SO.....I have this gizmo and I think of something I want to blog about. I decide that I'm going to blog on Wordpress because Blogger has been annoying me lately and does my gizmo let me? No. It takes for ever to get in and then it locks up on me. Ok, no biggie, I'll just blog on MySpace like I said I was gonna do anyway,right? Does gizmo let me blog there? Yes, and no. It has issues, and this seems odd since my gizmo manual even mentions that it has special myspace crapola or something. I'm starting to get pissed (angry, not drunk) when this little irritated voice in my head says "Watch, I bet this fucker works on Blogger".

.......

Lo and behold. Here we are again.

Again.

Everytime I think I'm out, it pulls me back in. I'm not sure if this really will get me into blogging again and more often, but we'll give it a shot. Me and the irritated voice that is.

Peace,
Jerk

I'm done here

2008-01-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

If you absolutely, positively, need to know what the hell I'm up to, you can find me here on MySpace.

Or, I guess you could just leave me a comment here. It still auto-sends to my email.

Don't read ME, I'll read you.

Congradjumations Boston Patriots!!

2007-12-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know they're the New England Patriots NOW, but waaaaaaaay back (Gosh, Mr. Peabody!) when they were an American Football League team, (and I am partial to AFL teams beings what if it weren't for the AFL my hometown, Denver, probably wouldn't have a football team.) they wuz the Boston Patriots. I'm always happy when an old AFL team kicks butt on the NFL teams.

So....

Congrats to the Patriots on an undefeated regular season. Now go win it all or what you just did won't mean squat. That's right, I said it. Go win the Superbowl or you aint shite. If you don't win, all those old farts from the '72 Dolphins will still get together and drink bubbly talking about how awesome they are and how nobody's ever going to be as awesome as they. We need a new bunch of old farts for after all those guys kick the bucket, so g'head and take it all fellas.

DO IT!

I'm serious. You guy'll suck like no suck that has ever sucked if you tank it in the playoffs, and if you DO lose, you sure as hell better lose to the team that does win the whole enchilada. If you lose and that team goes on to get spanked in some 55-10 San Fran v. Denver type fashion.......

Just do it already. Thanks for letting me see some historical stuff. I'll remember it, but I don't wanna add a "Yeah...but then they went and screwed the pooch big time!" asterix thing to it all.

DO IT!!

Do it, and when you do, if you could arrange for it to be against the Cowboys that'd be cool. Also, if you could crush them in an even more historic 60-70 points, that'd be awesome. Imagine all the sarcastic "How 'bout them COwboys!" you'd get to let folks unleashed for a few days. Think off all the happiness you'd bring. Do it for the children. Hell, do it for Steve Grogan. Thanks.

Man.....I really shoulda asked Santa for all this.

Meh.

DO IT ALREADY!!

Mary Crimmus! She's hawt.

2007-12-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

Thank (insert whatever/whomever you believe in...or don't, see if I care.) for these people who were born on the 25th. Well, except for Karl Rove. He creeps me out with his beady lil eyes.

In a way, it's funny that they left Jesus off the list, but not really since the Catholics moved the celebration of his birth to this date a long time ago. I think he was born in August or some such. Well, he was born in a manger (Look away, look away, look away, Dixieland), but you know what I mean.

I hope yer Hanu..Chakuna....your Judaic Celebration rocked (Rocked!), and that you have a happy/safe Christmas, Kwanzaa, Festivus....thingy.

And, to all my atheist friends, here's hopin' you win the lotto, dude!

Dan Fogelberg dead at 56

2007-12-17T05:19:00.000-07:00

It's odd that he passed away this time of year, what with the following being his most famous tune.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait for this year to be over. In a few ways it was a good year, in most it was the worst year of my life (and that's sayin sumthin). Next year will be better.

Name(d) that tune too

2007-12-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

Wondering who does that "I think maybe I'm falling for you...possibly..etc" tune in the new Diamondws are Forever commercial with the couple driving through the snowy city? (Poor Grammar)

It's Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg.

You can score a quick fix on YouTube or his MySpace page.

You're welcome.

Technical Difficulties

2007-12-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

My plans to write more often have been sideswiped by a British Standard Buttload of work and a dead computer at home. I'll be back shortly. Honest. I miss you guys.

((hug))

Jerk of All Trades v2.0

2007-11-30T06:32:00.000-07:00

For some reason Blogger is going all HAL9000 on me (yuck) and won't let me put up a picture with my blog title over it. It's worked fine up until today. I blame sunspots.

....and hippies. Those fucking hippies.

I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming ~~infinite~~ prolific again. Tons of random stuff flitting (fleeting?) through my noggin. We shall see.

Duh

2007-11-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

"Decide that you like college life. In your dorm you meet many nice people. Some are smarter than you. And some, you notice, are dumber than you. You will continue, unfortunately, to view the world in exactly these terms for the rest of your life."

- from Lorrie Moore's "How to Become a Writer"

Squiboogee is the new Huzzah!

2007-11-27T16:35:00.000-07:00

I believe the Pittsburgh Steelers have found a way to stop the Patriots. A crappy field.

My knee is better. My back is not.

The GF went to her ultrasound for the pain she's had for months. Still waiting for the doc to call with info.

I briefly had an epiphany(!), I'd found my raison d'etre and the answer to all life's questions and just like that.......it was gone. Stupid brain.

Apparently they play football in Canada. Congrats to Saskatchewan who's team sounds like a gay porn movie and/or a DMX song.

Hockey related: Mike Keenan blows almost as much as Gary Bettman, how does he keep getting work?

Anybody own an Xbox 360? I'd like one, but man, I keep hearing about how they die easily. That's a ton of dough to pay for a Microsoft paperweight.

The other day a 13yr old girl was BLATANTLY hitting on/flirting with me. It made me realize I'm not a dirty old man. I found it disturbing and creepy. I also felt sorry for her parents. That's one horny girl if she's wanting to rub on an old fart like me.

Hey, do any of you know the name of a book about a girl who was locked in the basement by her parents? I think it's a 70's book. Autobiography thing. She escaped and told her story. When I Google that info, I get Oprah's GOD, Maya Angelou's Caged Bird Sings book. That's not it.

I'm reading The Game by Ken Dryden. Excellent book. Hockey stuff.

Hope you are well,

Jerk

Happy Trypto-fest 2007!!

2007-11-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

The Canadians (and this is just like them) being INCREDIBLY impatient, already celebrated Thanksgiving, so I shall simply wish the Canucks a Happy Thursday.

Happy Turkey Day to my fellow Yanks!

Happy Just Another Day to the rest of the globe!!!

I'm thankful that all of you lovely (Meh, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt) people read my blog.

I shall now eat WAY to much food, thereby causing what little blood I have going to my brain to be focused more intently on my stomach, leaving my defenseless frontal lobe to fall victim to the otherwise too low of an amount of Trytophan, that will cause me to fall into a mild coma. WHICH(!), I shall awake from, only to start the process over again.

Thanks Bloggies.

:)

Into this wilde Abyss..

2007-11-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

the Womb of nature and perhaps her Grave,
of neither Sea, nor Shore, nor Air, nor Fire,
but all these in thir pregnant causes mix't
confus'dly, and which thus must ever fight,
unless th' Almighty Maker them ordain
his dark materials to create more Worlds.
Into this wilde Abyss the warie fiend
stood on the brink of Hell and look'd a while,
pondering his Voyage...

- Paradise Lost

Friday Jibba-jabba-jumblypoo!

2007-11-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

I keep meaning to write my Ten Rules to live by post that some girl I do not know in any way shape or manner yet I read her blog and she somehow, possibly, knows me (the No Celery Please broad), but every time I want to it just come out more like a "Jerks Pet Peeves/Ten ways to ge Jerk to smash your fat face!" type thing.

Therefore, I shall just type the following random stuffage.

1) My knee feels better today. It's an upper calf sprain on the back of my right knee. The loud *POP*(!) I swear I heard and definately felt was simply the fluid "snapping" in the same manner as when you crack/pop your knuckles. At least that's what the doctor said, but what do they know anyway, they're merely "practicing" medicine.

2) Why is it when people are crossing the street and they see your car coming they run juuuuuuuust enough to get in FRONT of your car and then walk the rest of the way across the street? "Oh dear, there's a car coming I better bolt out into the middle of the street and then casually stroll the rest of the way so's what they don't hit me!". Yeah, good thinking Gumby. RUN YOUR ASS ALL THEY WAY ACROSS THE STREET OR STAY ON THE PHUC-N CURB TIL I PASS!!! Grrrr. Bastards.

3) Here's a rule to live by.....

BATHE

This isn't France. Your "scent" isn't "sexy". We pay good money to have our water cleaned. Use it. You know what goes good with that water when you're bathing? Soap. Soap is your friend. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

4) Why are there fat plumbers? Ever tried crawling under your kitchen or bathroom sink to get at sumthin? Big, fat, plumbers crack looking hombres, shouldn't be plumbers. You know who should be plumbers? Little people. Phuc the Lollipop Guild, those dudes need to be plumbing.

5) Bathe.

6) Why do they bother putting articles in Playboy? Seriously. We all know why you're checking it out and it's not for that Obama interview.

7) What's with Wade Boggs doing Hair restoration commercials? Way to knock yerself down several notches on the Jerk Coolmeter. What's next Sean Connery doing Viagra commercials?

8) Speaking of....have you seen the commercial with all the old dudes in some kind of band, sitting around singing about gettin it up? WTF? Gay. Not Gay-gay, but gay like lame gay. Well, now that I think about it, it's a new kind of Gay. Gay-agra. Who does that? "Say Charlie, a bunch of the fellas and I are getting together to jam this weekend and sing about our Johnsons. You in? You sure? We need a flute player. Hey, where you goin?"

9) Is it just me, or have you noticed that Tom Brady dresses like he's going to some party thrown by Austin Powers after every game? The other day, after the Patriots beat the Colts, he was wearing a velvet jacket or some such. Is it his supermodel girlfriends fault? "Tohm, you no wud wood be real hoet. Eef you war a velvet jahket. Yez, und it woot be even hodder eef you wore some of my Victoria's Secret panties unnerneaf.". He looked like he was the stand in for Bruce Campbell in those Old Spice commmercials. Ahoy.

10) I still think about The Girl. A lot. I shouldn't.

11) To be continued....

Jacked Jerked my knee up

2007-11-15T11:05:00.000-07:00

Popping.

Pain.

Swelling.

Doctor moving knee around.

More pain.

Wanting to punch Doctor in his fat face.

Anti-inflammatory.

Limping.

Neglecting blog.

Less pain.

Back to work.

More pain, but this time behind eyes.

More wanting to punch people in fat faces.

Ice good.

Peace.

Yo.

Ouch?

2007-11-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

Sounds like one of the guys in my Dept might Be leaving so the boss has been asking if we know of anyone who might want/need a job. So, me being the swell chap I am, I tell this guy I know who works in the mailroom about it. He's been sick of working where he is for the last year or so and has been trying, unsuccessfully, to score another job and pretty much any job.

So...

I tell him, and he commences to pretty much tell me that my job is below him. That he'd rather keep doing what he's doing than work in my office.

So....

Me being me (the current me, not the old me), I start thinking about it...and start getting bummed.

If you knew this guy, and you saw what exactly his duties (heh heh....I said duties) were...

Picture a cross between Booger from the Revenge of The Nerds movies, Chong from the Cheech & Chong movies and Jimmy Fallon.

How much of a loser am I that I'm below him at work?

Geebus.

The mailroom crew consists of 3 normal people, the guy I just told you about who works to support his drug habit (Pot is NOT addictive though. It's not. Just ask anybody who gets high), an alcoholic who almost drank himself to death and just measured a corner of his apartment to see how many cases of beer he could stack there for the winter and then dropped over a grand on said beer structure (Picture a 50yr old Doug Henning), a "lead worker" who does neither of those two things, but loves to boss people around when she isn't napping at her desk and a guy who was an extra in The Outsiders but kept the hairstyle while taking on Oscar the Grouch's outgoing personality (oh man, this guy goes out of his way to have a shitty day. If things are going great, he'll fuck shit up just so he can bitch about it).

It bums me out to no end to think that no matter how bad their day is, they can all sit together during break and say "Yeah, but at least we're not that poor bastard Jerk! What a phuc-n loser that guy is. I'd kill myself if I was THAT guy.".

If the sad, dregs of humanity look down upon thee.....

Christ and his Mass, I'm a loser.

:(

Meh

I'm hungry

Happy Halloween!!

2007-10-31T06:43:00.000-06:00

Tailor: How's that jacket feel? Looks a little tight.

Nosferatu: No, it's good.
Tailor: You sure? I can make some adjustments and have it ready for you by..
Nosferatu: NO! I....I'm good. I uh....I have a date tonight. It's perfect. Thanks.

Now for a spooky tale....

In the building where I work there's an older gentelman who occasionally wears an outfit eerily similar, or as an old trainer would say simular, to what The Wolf Man wears. Only he, the old guy, wears a shirt that is the same green as the pants. He even rocks that slicked back, Lon Chaney Jr. hair-do. I get Universal Monster movie flashbacks every time he wears this outfit and if I'm not fully awake, expect Abbott & Costello to come running through the office shortly after he leaves. "Abb-ott! Hey, A-a-abbo-ott!"

SO, it's Halloween, and has anyone ever pointed this out to him so that he'll actually wear his Wolf Man gear on this perfect day?

Apparently not.

Bummer.

What? Not spooky enough for you.

Well here's some footage my friends took of me after we went skinny dipping a couple years ago and they thought it'd be funny to hide my clothes.I had to walk back to the camp site naked..

Those guys suck.

Happy Halloween.

Don't you be eyeballin' me Mayonaise

2007-10-29T07:29:00.000-06:00

I'm thinkin about buzzin my dome.

That is to say, I'm thinking about taking my hair clippers (not hedge) and cutting my hair realy, really, stubly(?) short, not flying a WWI type airplane (Ah Jenny; sweet, beautiful Jenny.)very low over my planetarium (Laser Floyd, man....).

Dunno.

It's just so easy to not have to do anything to your hair in the morning. Never a bad hair day when you have no hair, right?

Winter.....she cometh. No hair and cold don't play well together. Cold wins.

Brrrrr.

No talking in the mensroom!

2007-10-26T15:17:00.000-06:00

Happy Fry day!

2007-10-26T11:54:00.000-06:00

I mentioned this song on my olde blog. I lurve this song. I gave up looking on YouTube for it...until now!

Enjoy.

I'm off to score a tasty burger.

Griff's sounds good. Fatburger is too far away.

World Series 07: Rox vs. Sox

2007-10-24T20:14:00.000-06:00

I can't decide if I want to wear my Red Sox jersey (Wade Boggs, baby!) and my Rockies hat to work tomorrow, or my Rockies jersey (Blank, baby!!) and my Sox hat...

Stupid Cleveland Indian losers. Why couldn't you win so I could have a clear cut side to cheer for.

Cleveland rocks.....

MY ASS!

(Um....as in it sucks; not that we're lovahs or like those dudes on OZ or Jalapeno stuff)

Bastards.

GO _OX!!

Things to post in Denver when you're dead

2007-10-22T14:32:00.000-06:00

It's nadah toomah

2007-10-17T13:50:00.000-06:00

I think I'm dying.

I've been sick all week. My head hurts. My tummy hurts. My back hurts. Methinks it's the flu.
....or ebola.
.....or "The Plague".

.....cooties?

I think I'm dying.
I blame the Hippies.
Bastards.

(end sickness stuff)

I thought my GF was pregnant with my miracle baby. Yeah. She's been feeling uckey lately and she kept saying "If I didn't know my tubes are tied, I'd think I was pregnant". So I was all like, "Well, you DID say awhile back that you went to push/lift something at work and felt something kinda *POP* and a bit of pain, right? Maybe you popped stuff loose and now you're bakin' my spawn right now.". I'm romantical like that n' shit. So I tell her that she needs to find out, cuz the hole required for a wee lil spermy guy to fit through doesn't need to be all that big and that I paid attention in health class back when I was 13 and I 'member that once the egg gets all pregified it has to drop down so's what the baby can grow and if she's still mostly tied in the tube department the baby could be trying to grow in a tight space and it no likey. It no likey to the point that something could *POP* in a bad, very bad, horribly bad way or at the very least our kid's gonna have one leg shorter than the other and/or has to take the short bus to school. Any kid of MINE is gonna have enough problems as it is having me as it's father, we dont need to slap Hunchback of Notre Dame (The catherdral thingy, not the college football team that totally BLOWS this year. Poor, poor, Gipper.)-ness on it.

So.....

She goes and gets the test (she had to pee on it! Uck! Bleh! gack! Barbaric, hey?) and we wait.....

No baby. Which is both good and bad, right? Good cuz she's not crushing our baby to Carnival freak show proportions. Bad cuz the odds that I'da knocked her up what with tubage tied, safe sex (not always), the fact that I might be sterile (childhood injury that is too painful for me to retell. Ever. My boys are feeling sore just thinking about it.)....it was like a million, bazillionty to one, right? That'd been sweet. It would be some unbelievable shit like the Colorado Rockies baseball team going to the World Series?

What?

THEY ARE?!?

HOLY SHIT!!!

Meh.

No baby.

No miracle baby for Jerk to brag about.

I think I'm dying.

Not like dying dying, but dying like Bugs Bunny "Oooooooh, I'm DYIN' again!" takin' that penguin to the South Pole when really, he was from Hoboken dying.

I no feel good.

I'm WAY behind on posting crap I've been tagged with.

Hey, at least I posted something, right? Something slightly interesting even.

Be good.

Nothing to say

2007-10-13T22:56:00.001-06:00

Me being stupid. It really wasn't that dark here, not sure why it looks that way.

Fatty, fatty, two by four....

2007-10-09T10:55:00.000-06:00

I'm missing some paperwork here at Amalgamated Shmuck (Where we eliminate the first "c" and pass the savings on to YOU!), so's I go in seach of....

The first guys who picked up a pile o' work by mistake have everything BUT what I'm looking for, but they give me a free box of peanut butter cookies.

The second place I goes...no paperworky buuuuuuut, I get a slice of birfday cake.

The third and final place to look, they say they seen 'em, but they don't know where they are NOW. Oh, but they gave me a handful of "fun size" (I had a girlfriend once who was funsize) Snickers instead.

Apparently I'm looking a little short of fighting weight today.

I'd rather have my work.

What else....AH! Das machinen are nix gaverken. Der printzen und der stachten is verboten by komputers und printerz. Machinen on striken. Das mittengrabben und der fingerpoken make machinen kaput. Mein verken is kaput. Needen Bier.

I shoudla called in sick this year.

You should call Dude

2007-10-09T07:27:00.000-06:00

There's no nudity. It's just a stupid thing I found on YouTube that is pretty much how it is at my office when it's slow.

....only with sock monkeys.

I get a 3 day weekend

2007-10-05T11:43:00.000-06:00

Name(d) that tune

2007-10-03T20:00:00.001-06:00

In my little circle of friends (OK, not so little, I mean you guys read this from all over the WORLD, right?), I'm the answer man when it comes to music. If you can give me a few lyrics or hum a little of it I can usually tell you who/what cuz I already know, or I can find out for you. Lately, I've had not one, but 4 people ask me about the song in the Old Navy commercial. A girl sings something about "if you're cold, I'll give you my sweater.....I love the way you call me baby...".

If you too are wondering.....dunt dunna naaaaah!
(or Tah-dah if you prefer)

The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Check her out on MySpace (She's CUTE!)

Why Blogger Doth Have Suckage Issues

2007-10-01T16:14:00.000-06:00

I tinkered with my blog to give it this new look and noticed when I went to add/remove some links that it had automatically deleted some blog links on it's own. Funny hoew those blogs juuuuuuust happened to be to blogs on Wordpress, Livejournal and any blog type action that ISN'T Blogger.

Odd, huh?

So, I went and RE-added those one. I'll be adding some more here real soon.

I got "Tagged" by The Raspberry Queen (The Blueberry Prince doesn't talk to me anymore since I made fun of his shoes). I'll be right back here with my "Jerk's Ten Rules to live by". I'm sure you're hanging on the edge of your virtual Lay-z-boy.

It's that time of year again....

2007-09-26T11:14:00.000-06:00

where I delete links to people who no longer blog (wimps).

Gretch & Jane, I hardly knew ye. NO, seriously, I hardly knew you. Mainly because you guys didn't post that often even when you WERE blogging. Binny only blogs for "Special" people who are invited. Humph! How rude. Binny and I go waaaaaaaay back in the Blogoshpere, but apparently I'm not "cool" enough to read her blog anymore. :P Fine! See if I care! I hope the Leafs blow goats this year!

....or at the very least don't make the playoffs.

....again.

On the flipside o' things, if'n you read my blog (poor bastard) and I don't have your blog (if you blog) linked just let me know and I'll hook you up with some link luv. Which, by the way, sounds like I'll be sending you a bunch of Bratwurst in the mail or sumthin. Mmmm....brats. It IS Oktoberfest time! MMmmmmmm, beer & brats. Beer, brats and WAY too much polka music.

Good times.....good times.....

Look out!

2007-09-25T11:39:00.000-06:00

Since the NHL has gone with an all new look this year (Way to go Dallas Stars with your UBER-imaginative update!), we here (the Royal "we") at Jerk of All Trades (He's dead ya know? Undead....undead...undead.) have torn down the old (Tear down The Wall! Tear down The Wall!) and slapped some new-ish look here and there (Mostly here).

Enjoy.

....or don't.

I can't make you do anything you don't wanna.

.....or can I? (Dun dun duuuuuuun!)

JaneEllen, stop this crazy thing!!!

2007-09-18T09:24:00.000-06:00

OK, look here, and then look HERE..

This screams that a movie be made.

Just sayin.

Hooked on Phonics: Presidential Edition

2007-09-13T20:29:00.000-06:00

Is it just me, or do you guys notice that little twinkle in the eye and sly "proud of myself/I'm awesome!" subtle smile on the Pres's face after he gets done reading a particularly difficult paragraph or string of tongue twisting words?

Way to go Dubya. Good for you getting better at reading and speech giving just as your run is coming to an end. You JUST might be able to convice a few people that you can actually read some of the books in your Presidential library at the dedication in a few years.

Maybe.

As long as there's some Curious George (no pun intended) books in it that is.

I'm back (back), back in the Denver groove...

2007-09-09T20:33:00.000-06:00

I'm back in Denver anyway.

Kansas is still flat.

The weather was lovely.

I caught a cold the second day.

My Gandparents looked good.

I've had a few friends ax (ugh) me WHY I've been with the video lately.

Simple.

I'm lazy.

I'd rather talk than type out some of my rambly. I used to Audioblog, but my then GF thought I was only doing it to score ass with my super sexy voice.

.........(blink-blink)

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

I don't mind showing off my jersey collection though. I should just do it all in one shot and show you guys my closet and then spare you my lovely *cough* visage.

It's football season! Hooray! Hockey's next!!

Roll Tide.

More later I guess.

((hugs)) n stuff.

A quickie before I left town

2007-09-05T13:24:00.000-06:00

I'll have some UBER-exciting vids on here that I took in the middle of nowhere. If you like wide, open spaces (like between my ears), you'll like 'em.

I can move mountains!!

2007-09-04T10:29:00.000-06:00

No, wait....I can move AWAY from mountains.

Drive really.

I'm in Kansas. I have no little dog.

I will have something to post later.

Be good.

112 days until Christmas.

C

U

Jersey Friday!!

2007-08-31T06:01:00.000-06:00

As some of you know (ok, maybe one of you. Hi Jensy!), I usually wear a jersey of some type on fridays here at work. Sometimes, if I haven't kept up with my laundry, I wear one on some other day of the week, but almost always it's just on fridays.

.....did that even make sense?

Anyhoo....
Gaze upon the loveliness what is the brand spankin' new, special ordered, limited edition, I'm the only guy in the state of Colorado with one (for now :( ), 1984 Dan Fouts Chargers jersey!!!

Huh?
Huh?
Are you lookin?
Are you?
Huh?
Isn't it awesomely cool?
Huh?

.......

Well ok then, I can see that you're not impressed.
Meh.
I think it's cool; and that's all that matters. I've been waitin years, YEARS I TELL YOU(!), for Mitchell & Ness (Muy expensive jersey making guys) to make this one, the royal blue one. They made the white one and it sold out in a flash, but I wanted this one, the.....ok, I'll stop. Sorry.

*ahem*

Today, right after work (noon), I wiil be going to The Taste of Colorado. I WILL be taking my camera and filming a bit of it for your viewing pleasure...I think. It's a food fest thing, so I might be too busy stuffing my pie hole. I'll get sumthin on vid for ya and then do what I do best.

Sleep.

NO! I mean, babble on & on & on & on about stupid crap nobody cares about but entertains some of you who apparently have really, really, really boring jobs and/or too much tme on your hands (Styx!) or, and this one shocks me, you actually like me.

Naaaaaah.

Meet me back here latah.

Ole!

Dane Cook?

2007-08-30T11:09:00.000-06:00

...not very funny.

Not funny at all actually.

I'd heard the name. I'd seen his face, but was not familiar with his stuff. TONS, huge ginormously HUGE numbers of women seem to think he's HI-larious. I see that he has a movie coming out with my Jessica, so I figure "Hey, I'll check out this Dane fella. He's kinda shot up in the famous ranks lately. He's working his 3 picture deal. He's kissing Jessica Alba. He must be funny.".

Hm....

Yeah....not funny. His delivery is so that it IMPLIES funny. Man, can this guy sell a joke. Build up...build up....attitude.....kind of like he's trying really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, really for reals HARD to be George Carlin and he'll work the crowd, work it...pace...wander....more attitude...sly grin like he's gonna unload the funny on you any minute....and then..

and then....

punchline/eventual payoff type thingy. Which is something along the lines of "That's how chicks ARE, man!".

and then um....all the girls in the audience shriek like a bunch of chimps who just found the key to Bananaland or Bananastan (Bananabad?).

Back when I was bartending I had this theory. Drunkass white women between the ages of 19-32ish will laugh at anything. It's gotta be white women. Drunkass black girls, my lovely drunkass latina's, even the group of Japanese girls that were in town on vacation one night......they laugh at funny shit. In the case of the latina's if you're not funny they'll flat out tell you "Shut up fool. You aint funny. You're stupid (Stoo-pit)".

Drunkass white girls? Anything. Laugh their friggin pants wet over the dumbest shit. Get a group of 5 white, shitfaced girls together and you'll hear "Oh my god ohmygod you guys....Stacy just fell!" (Cue OBNOXIOULSY LOUD spittle producing laughter whilst 3 try to not fall off of their barstools and one squeeze's her knees together trying not to pee.) , and then Stacy will stumble over and almost knock everybody over "SHUT UP YOU GUYS!!! BLAHHHGUHHBLEEEEBUUHHH!BWah-HAHAHAHAHAH! GAH! IT'S NIT FUNNY!" (Cue the same shrieking laugh attack/chaotic spittle spree) "You said NIT funny! Bwah-hahahahahahaaaaaa!".

I just discribed every single bachelorette party that stumbled into the bar. The whiter the girls, meaning the more suburban, white bread, at least one of them's name ends in an "i" they are, the drunker, louder, EVERYTHING is HILARIOUS they get.

You ask me who finds Dane Cook funny, I give you these women.

Good for him. He seems like a like-able guy. He's probably cool to hang with. I'm sure his particular brand of humor, and I use the term loosely, scores him tons of women or, as the few, also white, suburban, obnoxious and I'm guessing the jockier the better, guys who find him funny would say, ass. He scores tons of ASS, dude. It's "tits", perhaps even "stellar" how much (Major?)ass Dane Cook gets, man.

I'll go see your movie. Sure. mainly because Jessica's in it, but I'll give you a chance. "Movie funny" and "Standup funny" are two different things. You're not very "Standup funny", but you just might rock at "Movie funny", unlike Seinfeld, who wasn't even "TV funny", but at least surrounded himself with people and writers who were. Jerry's still "Standup funny" though, and everybody knows that Carlin is a "Standup funny" GOD, but his "Movie funny" and "TV funny" is lacking. You could be "movie" or "TV" funny for all I know.

I however, am barely "Blog funny", which doesn't mean shit.

Get yours Dane Cook, cuz I'll never get any of that action!

To me, you're the man, Dane. Maybe not for the reasons you might want, or others think you are, but you're the man anyway.

Get yours Dane! You probably "hanging out at a mellow BBQ funny" bastard.
God luv ya.

...or help you, whichever you'd prefer.

P.S. I don't care that you may or may not have stolen Louis CK's material. It wasn't his best stuff anyway, he shouldn't care.

P.P.S. I was thinking on the way home, or tyring to at least, that there's probably somewhat of a Michael Bolton effect going on too. These women, his biggest fan base, think he's hot and want to bang him so thier subconscious mind tolerates a higher level of UN-funny, thatn say a Drew Carey coudl pull off. In order for Drew to get in some high maintenance girl from Philly's pants, that mofo's got to be FUNNY, whereas Dane can get by on attitude and the perception of funny. The implied funny. The ability to convince the girl "Hey, I'm funny". Just as Bolton sold lots of records (It's short for recording. They are still recordings therefore they can still be called records) to women by having a certain level of sex appeal and the ability to IMPLY that he was a good singer. Have you heard his stuff? That guy SELLS his songs. There's power. Not much else, but he can belt that phuc-r out. If you can convince people of something, whether it's true or not, that's all you need in this world.

Again. You go Dane! Rock it!

Also, I know I'm probably haivng a hard time explaining the TYPE of gal that likes Dane, nay LOVES, Dane. There's probably alot of tanning going on. Bleaching. A love of small dogs named "Crackers". Possibly a lot of lip gloss. She goes out drinking/dancing EVERY Friday night. If it's not beer with a lime, it's Butter baby shots or a round of Blowjobs (the shot) for the group o' ladies. There is a long history of good looking guys treating them like shit and fucking their friends. They want a guy who's juuuuuuust enough of a dick to appeal to the needing a bad boy part of them, but funny enough to make the butter baby shot squirt out of their nose when he does a little skit on girls who wear lots of bracelets.( I saw it. All the guy at the bar did was keep pushing up his sleeves. That and his Baldwin hair got him a ton girls that night. OH and the rounds of GoldSchlager(sp?) that he kept getting them didn't hurt. Get those bitches drunk fellas. Nice girls are too much work if you just want to get laid.). These women are probably Danes main groupies. Not all of his fans, but quite a few. I also think that girls who talk like guys are probably big fans. That is, women who are "one of the guys" because they cuss like a fucking sailor and can drink like a guy. Sadly, I believe that Dane would rather bang the former. Sorry ladies. He's manage to work his little slice EXTREMELY well though and that's why I like him.

More....whatever this is & why I can't say S's

2007-08-30T08:06:00.000-06:00

Moments later....

Part of my drive home yesterday

2007-08-29T07:05:00.001-06:00

The GF considers this road rage when she's in the car with me and I start the ranting. Silly GF.

Apparently, I'm a Raiders fan(?!) & and they get no respect.

2007-08-29T06:34:00.000-06:00

I tell people that I'm a Broncos & Giants fan, but if you were to look through my jersey collection (I'll have to show you guys one of these days), You'd notice that I have just as many (if not more) Raiders, Niners and Vikings jerseys (ok, maybe not Viking. I have..um...4 of those. I think. Too many jerseys). I know you don't care, but hey, I wanted to show of my new Bo Jackson jersey to......THE WORLD. (Dun dun duuun).

More stupid coming atcha soon.

Jerk luvs.

I got a speeding ticket this morning

2007-08-28T06:31:00.000-06:00

Nuthin like starting the day $130 in the hole.
Errands took longer that expected yesterday. It should be a slow day at work since I got the speeding out of my system. Here, watch this while I type for you:

"What the hell are YOU lookin at?!?" or...

2007-08-27T05:59:00.000-06:00

"Prelude to the second Venessa post I'll write this afternoon.".

Once upon a time I was coming into work. It must have been around a quarter to 4 in the morn. I was crossing the street, and having on a previous night almost been run over by someone whipping around the corner in there auto-mobile, was quite cautious and continued to look down the one-way street so's what I could better get the phuc out of the way if it were to happen again. As I was crossing the street I happened to notice a man, or at least I assumed it was a man because of the height.....this man was walking down the sidewalk I had just left on my way to the side which the proverbial chicken doth cross to get to or however the heck you'd say that if you were trying to be really wordy and sound smart n' stuff.

....I was crossing the street....almost got hit once....didn't want to come that close again....guy walking down the street....way too friggin early in the morning....are you with me?

Cool.

So....I'm crossing the street and constantly looking to my right in case a car were to come to squish me. As I am doing this the fella walking down the street yells "Why the fuck are you lookin at me?! I'm not gonna ROB you. Fuck you, man!! I should make you run, scared mutha-fucker!".

.......

Now, when this happened, it took me a second to even have ANY idea what the PHUC this guy was talking about. I'm looking behind me...all around....who the hell is this guy talking to?

I make it across the street un-squished and proceed on towards the Amalgamated Shmuck Building and then my brain turns on. Did I mention it way too friggin early? Yeah, my brain turns on and I figure out he was shouting at ME because he thought that I kept turning to look at him as I was crossing the street.

Why is that? Would that be classified as paranoid? Self-centered? Would you say he had high self-esteem or low? If he had been angrier and armed would I be dead or at the very least wound up in the hospital? WAS he talking to me?

I'm asking because right now I have 3 people like that in my life and they're confusing the hell out of me. I'll say or do something, or in the case of one, not talk to them in a couple of days and the next thing you know I'm getting accused of stuff, questioned about things.....people who are mutual friends or acquaintances ask me shit like..
"Is it true that you stuff your pants with mayonnaise when you go sky-diving?" and I'm all "....um....what? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Rob said that you told him that he'll never be as good as you at sky-diving because he hates mayonnaise."
".......what the....mayonnaise?!? I've never BEEN sky-diving and I hate mayonnaise...why would I tell anyone that?"

It's like people don't have any contact with me for awhile and they start having there own conversations with an imagined me and I mean MORE imagined than I am. It's kind of like the Telephone Game, only I didn't even start the topic I walked in at the end and someone comes up and says, Hey, you wanna hear the scuttlebutt that's goin around? Jerk is a natural blond, but he dies his hair to hide the fact that froggy went a courtin and he did ride with a girl who was left handed and had a thing for midgets that make cole slaw.".

"No shit?! That's some phuct up shi....hey, waitaminute.....I'M JERK!! None of that shit is true. Where the hell did you hear THAT?!".

So, then I start trying to remember when I said anything about mayonnaise or little people and being a blond or sky-diving or left handed girls and wondering why if I mentioned all of that my irrational fear of Asian women didn't come up or my not so secret wish to bang a really hot albino chick or how I've always wondered what it's like to nail a deaf girl (You know, like how loud does she get if at all....would your neighbours call the cops because they thought she was yelling for help.....what? I'm a idiot remember? I wonder about this crap. It's funnier when I tell it though. The sound effects are important to show just how stupid I am.) I don't' want to, unless she's hot of course, I just want to know what it's like.

Anyway....I guess I'm writing this to ask if you know people like this. I don't deal well with them. It seems the more I talk to them and try to explain shit the more they take things and twist them to suit their own purposes.

I was starting to think that I was the one imagining things until I got the same kind of info from other people. Of course, we could all be crazy and not the other people. Hm....

This one guy I know, Dave, he calls me up the other day and starts telling me that I AM the one who's making things up, jumping to conclusions and the one who's phuct in the head because he said no such thing...blah blah blah...and then on friday night another person I know tells me that she has an email from him where he did, in fact, say all this shit I called him on.

It's as if there isn't enough drama in the world they have to make up more.

I deal with them by NOT dealing with them. I tend to cut all ties to these types because real or imagined, them or me (they or I?), it gives me a phuc-n headache and stresses me out. I fully expect them to at some point come at me with a pair of scissors screaming "You took my silly putty and gave it to George Peppard!!" or some shit and then instead of stabbing me they'll knock me down, cut the hem off of my pants and then run off Mad as a Hatter "I got it!! I got the magic slinky!!! Bwah-hahahahaha! I TOLD you phuc-ers he was crazy!!!".

SO....

How are yoooooouuuuu?

P.S. Pleeeeaaase don't be one of these people and assume this post is about you and then go off on some crazy tangent and then alter my pants,k? Unless, you're Dave, but not Dave-Dave that moved to New Mexico Dave or "Daveman" Dave from High school, but Dave that's an asshat Dave. Kthnx.

Teh prOn ate my dingo

2007-08-24T06:23:00.000-06:00

Sorry for not getting to The Vennessa Thing pt.II as fast as some of you would like but I suddenly remember-ed that this is my blog and I can write whatever the phuc I want, when I want. I WILL get to it soon though, I promise, and I don't promise shit and then not do it. That means for the most part that I do not promise things. I will do, capische? Groovy.

I've been distracted lately by a lot of porn. That's right; I've been checking out TONS of porn. Porn porn porn. Yeah, I said it. Porn has been ruling my life lately. I certainly have NOT been reading about the Maginot Line, and most definately have NOT been reading Stephen E. Ambrose's book about the building of the Trans-continental Railroad!

Nope, it's been porn. Non-stop pornage, 24-7. Yep. I mean, WHY would I waste time watching the complete Robotech series that I forgot I owned or be watching the first 20 episodes or so ofDark Shadows that I might have scored on eBay, insteada writing on here?
(Well, I MIGHT have gotten it if'n I wasn't all about the porn lately, but I didn't get it and I did NOT tear it open right away and watch 4hrs of it straight without my butt leaving the couch once...cuz I didn't get it. Cuz the porn.)

Writing on here, entertaining all you lovely people, existing only to please my fellow man's every bloggy wish, that's where the real pleasure doth lay of course, not in silly things like watchingSuperbowls XXI-XL or playing a stupid game like this...

and getting it's damn....nonsensical....overly happy....friggin..SONGS...STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!

*ahem*

Yeah, it's been teh pr0n. Naked, dirty, slutty, sometimes disturbingly flexible and "It...it won't wash off. I can't get the dirty to wash off! UNCLEAN!" in it's porniness. I'm sorry and I'll get right back to writing for you guys, not for me, but for YOU, and you know, the children, gotta do it for the children. They're our future ya know. Yeah, I'll start writing on here more often, cuz dammit, it's the right thing to do, not like....say.....hot sex with my GF or goin to see Superbad again this weekend...NOPE. It's all about love here at Jerk of All Trades. Yep, love of the Blogosphere and the sexy bitches (that's you guys) that call it their virtual home away from home.

*sniff*

I love you, man.

*guh*

Peas suck.

Good weekend.

Have one.

No mi gusto el porquito en los pantalones del fuego. Ai, mi estomago!

2007-08-21T11:36:00.000-06:00

Dude! (Vato!)
My blog is SO much ~~cooler~~ better en Espanol!

Christ on a scooter!

2007-08-20T05:57:00.000-06:00

I hate it when this happens.

That was pretty much my weekend went too, ceptin' I went to go see Superbad instead of to the zoo.
It's awesomely funny (and gave me a few flashbacks), but it's not for the faint of swearing or girls under the age of 26. If women have ever been curious in the slightest how teenage boys talk/act when no one else is around, you'll find out in this flick. Mom's might not want to see this one though.

McLovin IS the man. If this kid doesn't get more work or his own show ala Family Matters/Urkel (but funny) it'll be a damn shame.

Friday I was wearing my Jet Jaguar shirt (It's the exact screen shot you'll see at the 25 second mark of the following vid, OR the 39 second mark if it's counting down insteada UP)...

I gotta tell ya, I get more comments on this damn shirt. People think it's cool even though I can tell they've got NO CLUE what the hell it is. Total starngers stop me to look at it and say sumthin. It's the closest I'll ever come (thankfully) to being a pregnant woman who has random nutjobs waling up and groping her bell-ah.

For those who don't know, Jet Jaguar is a bad mofo of a robot that helped Godzilla kick some monster ass in Godzilla vs. Megalon.

Oh, and he was the bestest part of a truly hilarious Mystery Science Theater episode.

OK, maybe not the the bestest part cuz that was...
REX DART.....ESKIMO SPY!

Next up: More Vennesa. I typey, you ready. K? K.

If you dont have anything nice to say....

2007-08-16T06:03:00.000-06:00

Wee bit pissed off right now. "Wee bit" like Niagara Falls is a "wee bit" of water.

Niagara Falls (Les Chutes du Niagara)...

Sloooowly I turned (Slo-leee eye turn)....

Hold yer ponies

2007-08-15T10:27:00.000-06:00

I'll finish The Venessa thing, honest. Weird stuff's been hapnin'.

On a completely UN-related note I am not, repeat NOT going to do fantasy football OR fantasy hockey this year. All I do is jinx the poor bastards that I get on my teams. Moreso with football ~~then~~ than hockey. I'm telling you, and I'm tempted to prove it to ya, that if I was to pick a team now or even let the system pick guys FOR me out of a selected top ten list of each position, 80% of those guys would be hurt for a minimum of 3 games and at least TWO players would be out for the season. I'm worse than the Madden game jinx and the Sports Illustrated cover jinx combined.

If there's a particular palyer (or Player for that matter) you don't like, lemme know and I'll think about drafting them for ya.

To give you a better idea of what I'm talking about...I didn't have one single player from either Superbowl team. I did however have the Bears defense. Who won again? Exactly.

Just sayin'.

I've got spurs that deedle bumba-leedle

2007-08-11T14:45:00.000-06:00

as I thumbalina deeba beema dooooo

and adeeba teeba leedle teeble

bumba-leedle eeba deeba doo-be-doo....

More posts, less hits.
Go figgur.
(shrug)

Luv ya

Mean it

A bit o' Spammage

2007-08-09T08:26:00.000-06:00

Like you, I, The Jerk of All Trades, get's spam. Not as much as some of you, but I gets it. Let us examine a particular email that hath been drop-ped at my virtual doorstep, shall we? Yes, let's shall.

I am David Wong,an attorney at law (From the lawfirm or Wong, Wong & Black I am sure, cuz you now, two Wongs don't make a White.) . A deceased client of mine,that shares the same last name as yours (Really....Ofalltrades....a client of yours...mm-hmm), who here in after shall be referred to as my client, died as the result of a heart-related condition on the 11 November 2001 (Well, he's not your client anymore then is he?). His heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his family in the Gulf Air Flight Crashes in Persian Gulf Near Bahrain Aired August 23, 2000 - 2:50 p.m. ET as reported on:http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0008/23/bn.08.html (Waaaaaiiiiiitaminute.....you're telling me that ALL of my possible cousins family died in this crash and I'm just NOW hearing about it from YOU?! Seven....years....later? WTF?!?)

I have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this deposit valued at Seventee million five hundrend dollars( US$17.5 million dollars) is lodged. This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated. (Well, Ofalltrades IS a rare name, but if you were his attorney shouldn't you be able to get this dough without MY help? Are you telling me that my cousin, My Client of All Trades, didn't leave a will that maybe says something like "In the event that my family does not fulfill their obligation to live and spend all my monies, it should be distributed evenly amongst all the girls down at Hooters/Atlanta."? Are you SURE he was an Ofalltrades? I'm starting to think you're full of shit Mr. Wong!)

My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my named client (So.....lie.) , since you have the same last name, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage (Whoawhoawhoa.....SHARE?!? If I get the money, it's MY money bro. Share....the phuc. You want me to lie, put my ass out there to get in trouble and then you want me to just GIVE you a hunk o' money? And don't give me that "But you woulda never known without ME" crap. No deal.) All legal documents to back up your claim as my client's next-of-kin will be provided. (Hang on....if you can pull that off, why can't you just get documents to show ANYBODY is the next of kin or inheiritorish guy?) All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. (Are you shittin' me...did you just say honest cooperation?)

This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from many breach of the law. (Many or any? I know you're the lawyer, but there's a HUGE difference between those two words. It's like, will it keep me from getting many ass kickings or ANY ass kickings. Big dif there my man.) If this business proposition offends your moral values (Pfft...I have questionable moras these days.) ,do accept my apology. I must use this opportunity to implore you to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this matter extraordinary confidential (Huh? You lost me with the big words and lack of "il" in the word extraordinary), whatever your decision, while I await your prompt response. Please contact me at once to indicate your interest (No dice bruddah). I will like you to acknowledge the receipt of this e-mail as soon as possible via my private EMAIL:(david_wong_02liar-at-large@yahoo.com.hk.phooey) and treat with absolute confidentiality (Much better. Stick with "absolute confidentiality" from now on instead of "extraordinary confidential") and sincerity.I look forward to your quick reply. (Bite me.)

Best regards,
David Wong
Attorney at Law

I don't know which is worse. The fact that these emails/scams are going on, or that there are people out their stupid enough to fall for them. Methinks it's the latter.

Bass fishing & a bit of Jerk: The Metal Years

2007-08-08T08:32:00.000-06:00

(this isn't me)

I'm thinking about selling 2 or 3 of my guitars and getting a bass. I notice that most of the time when I fiddle with my guitars (I know, I really should be guitaring with my guitars) I just wind up doing a bunch of freestyle scale stuff. Which is odd, because I've always been more of a rhythm guitar guy when I've actually jammed with people or when I was briefly the guitarist in a band.

Bass is weird. Bass is like those commercials used to say about the board game Othello "A minute to learn...a lifetime to master". Lots of people start playing bass because they think it's easier. In a way, it is. For the most part, unless you wanna show off, get technical or just plain hammer on it Lemmy style you don't play chords (although, half the time I'm not sure WHAT Lemmy's playing cuz it aint no chord I ever heard of. Meh, it's Motorhead, as long as it's loud baby!), just individual notes. What lotsa folks don't get is that the bass, along with the drums, help "keep time".

Ever wonder how all those jazz guys could just riff like crazy, knock out a drum solo or go get a drink at the bar and then BOOM everybody's all playing together again all perfect like? It's because they all take turns keeping the time, and by time I mean the "one...and a...two...and...a" of a song. It's the basic "speed" and beat of a song. If no one is "keeping" time, all hell can break loose, and if there's someone in the band who can't keep steady time to save their life, everybody'll sound like shit. It's like a rowing team. If one guy is off....oh man is it ugly.

So, the bass and drums are the main "Rhythm section" dig? If either of those guys suck at keeping time, your band is shit. Period. I know the singers and the guitar palyers get most of the attention, but those guys can be so-so or sometimes down right awful, but as long as your drummer and bass player kick ass, you've got a decent band. Decent, not great, but decent.

YEARS ago when I was in a band I played drums. The bass player in said band was my buddy "Dok" (like Doc, but with a K. Don't ask.). Dok, my buddy Joel (who was our rhythm guitar guy) and I practiced like crazy. Our singer? Not so much. The few guys we tried out at Lead guitar? Not so much. They all seemed to think all they had to do was show up. This especially seems to be a problem with singers. Don't get me started. Lead guitarists, have a different problem. They tend to turn themselves UP and everyone else down. Don't get me started, again.

Anyhoo....We practiced like madmen. If we were learning a song, or working on a song we wrote, we played it over & over & over & over & over again. We'd start the song in the middle. We'd try playing parts out of order. We'd play it as slow as possible or as fast as possible. We'd do funk versions, countrify the damn thing all twangy (Our country version of Metallica's Master of Puppets was awesome). We'd learn Dokken's "It's not Love" and do a Death Metal groowly version. We weren't the most technical band or the most learn-ed guys in the music world, but we could keep time and were "Tight" like a ~~13yr old nun~~ pickle jar. I remember one time, as the drummer and havnig full control of the speed of a song, speeding up and slowing down Black Sabbath's Paranoid at will and the guys were right there! It was cool. We were all "Yeah, that kicked ASS!!". Nobody looked, questioned, paused, looked confused....we were a well oiled rock MACHINE baby, and it was cool.

.....our "singer" however BITCHED no end that we phuct the song up, we sucked, we all better get our shit together if we want to play anywhere. "It's started out good and then it was too fast, too fast, too slow, good, too fast....then you phuct up and went right back to the solo part TWICE...too slow...you guys SUCK!". We laughed at him and he stormed off like a whiney baby. Unfortunately for us, the "singers" house was the only place we could play. His parents had a band and would be out playing bars around town friday and saturday nights so we would take over their basement on the weekends and jam like teenage boys with unlimited electrical power and volume control. A cool thing about it, was that we would get technical and professinal input from his parents and their musician friends. All of which would tell us that they were impressed with how "tight" we were, when usually with young "garage" bands, playing TOGETHER was not a priority.

Anyhoo....

For awhile, we all decided it would be cool if we learned each others instrument, so that if someone couldn't make band pratice, the other guys could still jam and/or record stuff. Well, everybody but our "singer" of course. His job was to sing and be the "Face" of the band. He didn't need to learn anything. Eventually he did start to play the drums and wasn't half bad, but by that time I was done with the whole band thing. He and a few other people killed my enjoyment of it. I literally didn't play anything, drums or guitar, for about 3yrs after all that crap. That's another post for another time.

During the time when we switched off we recorded some stuff and apparently everybody who listened was all "Who's playing the bass on this one?" and every time they asked, it was me. I had 3 differnt bass players, guys getting paid to play, one who'd even done some session work telling me that I had "it" for bass. I shouldn't be playing the drums, bass was my thing. I ignored them cuz drums....drums were my girlfriend. I loved the drums. I ate, drank and breathed drums. I had dreams where I played drums all night. I was CONSTANTLY tapping, stomping, banging on things.....drums were my raison d'etre (Oooo French!). Bass....pfft....drums were WAY better than bass, man. I gotta admit though, "Season's in the Abyss". was fun to play on the bass. It WAS, one of the few songs that I could play all the parts too. All except the lead that is. I'm pretty sure I couldn't play any of it now. That was years ago.

I'm thinking about picking up the bass. I'm thinking I'll play it once I do pick it up rather than set it down again. For awhile anyway. We'll see.

I hope this post wasn't too boring.

It was like real food, but faster...but not as fast as now and real-er than now.

2007-08-07T06:56:00.000-06:00

You know what I miss? TV dinners. Waaaaaaaaaaay (One...two...seven...eleven..yeah that's enough a's) back when I wuz a youngin' there were these premade meals you could get and they came in a METAL tray. You know how now you buy a meal to heat up an it's just in one shallow tray? Well these "TV dinners" had 3 to 5 little sections for your meal. Say you got a meatloaf one. There was a place for your meatloaf, a place for mashed potatoes and gravy, a place for green beans and a couple other things. It was kinda cool and I'm sure all those anal-retentive people who's food can't touch, loved 'em.

Now, to cook/heat them up you had to use that thing in your kitchen that the stove sits on top of (Psst...the stove is that thing you may have seen people boil water on when they want to make Mac n' Cheese/Kraft dinner the old fashioned NON-Easy Mac way). Well, that thing the stove is on is called an Oven. NO, it's not a Macro-wave Oven. That's a common mistake though, since we're all used to the Microwave Oven. No, it's JUST an oven. You heated this Oven....what? Yeah, you had to wait for it to heat up. Yeah, I know, just listen will you? After it heated up to the right temperature you put your metal tray/dinner thing in and then you went off and did something else for like half an hour. Truthfully, I don't remember how long it took, but it took a long time in comparison to the stuff we have now. It was way longer than 5mins, I know that. Aaaaanyway....
What's that? Yes, you could, and still can for all I know, put metal things in this Oven. NO, it doesn't harm it at all. No, sparks or anything.

OH! I almost forgot!

Sometimes, and I know this'll sound crazy, but it's true, sometimes you had to open the Oven up and actually TURN your tray thing by hand. I KNOW! You opened the Oven up and it felt like you were leaning your head over Las Vegas. You had to use those Potholder things (Have you ever really held a pot with them?), and you kind pushed it around a bit to turn it cuz you wanted to shut the door in a hurry. Luckily, you just had to turn it once, not stand there constantly turning it and turning it like our micro's do for us.

OK, so, after the hour or whatever was up, your food was ready and I gotta tell you it was WAY better tasting than the stuff we have now. Sure, it took a lot of time, bu tif you bought the chicken meal, it was get this, actually CRISPY. NO, really, I'm serious! It was. One of these meals had a peachy, berry, apple-ish cobler thgn and when you took it out of the oven and pulled back the foil....did I mention it had foil over it instead of plastic? What? Cuz plastic would melt you doofus and get all i your food making it taste, well, pretty much like our food all tastes now.

Where was I? Ah yes, the cobbler stuff. It was all bubbly and gooey and yummy. They had another of these "TV dinners" that had a little chocolate cake with it and when it was done baking, it was REAL CAKE!!! No foolin!

Well, nowadays, when I pull my plastic trayed mystery meat and sumthin or t'other out of the microwave and marvel at it's grayish or slightly crunchified shrunkeness I long for the days of metal trayed "TV dinners" that existed back when we were only kinda lazy instead of completely fuckin'. Don't get me wrong, I can cook. I know how to use a cookbook. I've made stuff from scratch. I just liked the in-between of the TV dinner, and I certainly liked how the metal tray helped to cook things correctly and evenly with a little help in the turning department.

That's it for today's "Damn, I'm old" rant. Next time I'll ramble on and on about how you used to be able to buy 4 comic books for a dollar or how pop in glass bottles tasted better....and I don't mean those tiny ones they have now that cost you 3 times as much as the bigger plastic bottles, I mean the TALL ones that you could use for home defense or t-ball.

Sigh.....the good ol' days.

P.S. The song has absolutely nothing to do with this post. I just had it stuck in my head this morning.

Smoke and Mirrors

2007-08-06T05:57:00.000-06:00

I awoke this morning, knowing full well what this date is "famous" for. Every year it rolls around and every year the mornings news gives me a little world news, some U.S. stuff, the weather around the country along with possible flight delays and a little sports update (mostly baseball) and then....if at all...there's a little "Oh, and by the way, we bombed somebody once. Piece that last about 30 seconds.

Isn't it odd, that Japan never mentions Pearl Harbor, tons of old Germans (and others around the world) don't believe the Holocaust occurred and we squirm and do a "Hey, look over there! How 'BOUT that Barry Bonds hitting those home runs!". It's as if we all convinced ourselves that Hollywood made WWII up.

Yes, I know it's horrible what we do to each other as a race on this rock, but ignoring it means we might forget, and if we forget, we're likely to do it again.

Sundays child is full of.....Football?

2007-08-05T15:01:00.000-06:00

Well, it's sunday and there's football on today, but I'm too po' to afford cable so I wont be able to watch it. Saints v. Steelers. I'm picking the Saints. Go Special Teams guys trying to make the squad and live your dream of playing in the NFL! You're no dummies. The guys warming the bench make more money in a season than I'll see in ten years working at Amalgamated Shmuck (Where we leave out the first c and pass the savings on to YOU!).

Photogirl ax-ed me if my GF knows about the lusted after girl and the achey/dreamy/never be with girl.

She knows about tons of lusty ones. Do I really need to mention my Jessica Alba problem? As for the Canada girl....
The GF asked me once if I ever loved anyone. I said that I have learned there's a big difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE with someone.
GF: "Well have you ever been IN LOVE with someone?"
Jerk: "Yes. Once."
GF: "And...."
Jerk: "and....nothing. Nothing came of it."
GF:"....IN LOVE hurts doesn't it?"
Jerk: "Yes."

That was the end of it. She hasn't mentioned it again. From the look on her face I could see that she understood. I didn't ask her about her IN LOVE, she hasn't asked about mine.

Football starting means one thing.....

Hockey's coming.

I bought new strings for my guitars. I hate changing strings. It's a boring process and then you can't start playing right away because you have to wait for the strings to stretch/relax, and even after that, new strings have that crappy new string sound for awhile. I bought a single locking tremolo and replaced a piece of shit bridge the asshat I bought a used guitar from tried to "fix". I'm digging the single WAY more than the annoying double locking trem I have on my Ibanez. Changing strings on THAT guitar makes me want to go out in the back parking lot and "HULK SMASH!! GGGLLLEEAAARGH!!! GRRRRAAAAAARR!" the guitar into teeny, tiny bits.

Sorry, that was boring guitar talk that only Jimbo got, if he even reads this blog anymore.

My goal to be the only person in North America who does not own or wear Crocs is going quite well.

Anybody remember Space Food Sticks? I scored a box of 'em on eBay. New ones that some company is making, not a box of old ones from the 70's/80's. Ack. They only make the chocolate, not the choco/mint or the peanut butter ones though.

I like those pink wintergreen mints. They're tough to find. Oh well....

Another post in the record books!

See ya 'round, clown.

ko, NOW it's Saturday and Saturday Night's alright for fightin'.

2007-08-04T12:05:00.000-06:00

Not that I want to fight. I'm a sleeper, not a fighter. Not a sleepr like in Dune or that Woody Allen movie, sleeper as in zzzzzzz. Oh, and not a sleeper as in I'm a deep, deep undercover spy just waiting for someone to call and say my "trigger word" or something like "The teddy bears ran out of potato salad at their picnic and someone went and put raisins in the cole slaw and f'ed it up for everybody cuz really, who wants to sit there and pick raisins out all afternoon or worry that maybe it's NOT a raisin but a bug." or some shit. Just the zzzzzzz. Dig? I knew that you could.

Hey, can we retire "baby bump"? Please?

Can we also retire all of young Hollywood getting interviewed and asked if they care about their image or effect on young America? Cuz they don't. They dont give a shit in the slightest and in my case, the feeling is mutual. You know how much it's going to affect me when Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan is found laying dead in the back alley of some club with a broken heroin needle in her arm and a Louis Vuitton limited edition cock ring in her mouth? Nada. At the most I'll say "Damn, people will buy ANYTHING as long as it's got that ugly brown and gold pattern on it.". Heartless? No. I just don't feel sorry for people who do things to themsleves. Those folks who had the bridge collapse on them, the Katrina victims, that girl who was a friend of a friend back in my early 20's who was born with an unfortunate pig-like nose....those guys I feel sorry for. Li-Lo, Nicole Ritchie and the like.....River Pheonix had more talent and potential in his little finger and my life went on perfectly fine without him. Sure, it'll be sad. Death aint cheery. But really? Meh. Just sayin.

I like pie.

Hey, if I started calling Pork Rinds "Swine Zest" would I be able to charge a crapload of money for them at a restaurant? I'd have a kid come around like they do with the peppermill "Swine-uh Zest, Mess-yoor? Swine-uh Zesss, Meh-Dom-uh?" and he'd crunch some up in his hand and sprinkle them on yer plate or maybe you'd grab them out of a bowl with special Swine Zest tongs. Yeah, tongs is the way to go.

La Zjee-urk Cafe du POP! (The pop is that thing you do where you make an O with your mouth and smack it with your hand.)

I think I'd have other cool shit on the meu at my fake frenchy restaurant. Like maybe Pate Cake on the kids menu. Croquette Mallets.... Tons of stuff.

The best part would be the over the top "Monty Python & The Holy Grail" outraaaaaaaageous Fronch accent I'd make everyone use.

Meh.

OK, one more blog post down.

Peas are gross. Fuck speelcheck. (Get it! spEElcheck?! HA! I kiil me! Get it?! kIIl....ah, nevermind. :P )

Meet ya back here tomorrow.

Friday's alright for...fighting's on Saturday right?

2007-08-03T12:57:00.000-06:00

Hey, why is it that Elton John seemed LESS gay back when he wore weird outfits and huge glasses in the 70's?
Just wondering.

I have an odd life right now. I'm dating one girl, lusting after another girl and still, STILL wishing, hoping, aching for another girl who wants desperately to save me from her & small town Canada life. I'm trying to find a decent place to live, but having trouble finding a nice balance of size, quality, money, neighbourhood....you know, the usual crap everybody goes through. My therapy ended awhile back cuz apparently I is cur-ed. Close enough anyway. I really do feel better, not great, not quite myself yet, but MUCH better.

They're showing a thing on maggots right now on PBS. Interesting, nasty little bastards. Lots of close up stuff. Not for the squeamish.

I've written, and re-written a little stuff about the "Venessa thing" that KOM asked about. I'm just going to start typing. It was a truly odd "relationship". Blogging in general has been a strange journey for me. You throw your bottle in the ocean and suddenly you get a few bottle back, some days you get hundreds of bottles back and then one day you get.....Jens bottle back (Hi Jensy!), and nobody else's. Sometimes folks ask for MORE bottles, and sometimes they want to break them over your head or shove them places one should never have a bottle. Anyhoo...

More bottles on the way.

Take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of Jerk on the blog.

Have a great weekend!

Guess who's jersey I'm wearing today?

2007-08-02T09:43:00.000-06:00

I'll give you a hint, it's not one of the losers.

So, I'm thinking I might actually WRITE about something this weekend.
No, really.
Honest.
'Member when I used to do that?
Write.
On this blog.
DAILY even.

I'm gonna try that again.

No, I'm not posting a picture of my legs. I've got sumthin better!!

2007-07-31T11:49:00.000-06:00

Big goings on here at Amalgamated Shmuck aka Big Fugly Inc.

2007-07-27T07:52:00.000-06:00

For those of you who haven't been bored into alienation by my crappy blog may recall the big hubbub(sp?) caused here last winter when I wore a sweater vest. Well, today word is flying through the building that I'm wearing shorts. "Is it CASUAL friday?" "Did I miss a memo?" "Shorts, huh? Hm....."(disapproving frown)

Keep in mind Jerk has worn T-shrits, Jeans, Football/Hockey/Baseball/Basketball (and even a Soccer jersey once) to work on a pretty regular basis. Nobody says diddly. I wear shorts.......HUGE stir. People are strange. When you're a stranger. Faces look ugly. The Doors had no bass.

My "If you're gonna remake an old SciFi flick.." list pt.1

2007-07-26T08:50:00.000-06:00

In no particular order....

When Worlds Collide

I thought for sure this would get remade when all the "Earth is gonna get smashed by outer space rocks" movies came out. Get the right people involved, make sure Ben Affleck isn't crying like a little bitch in it or better yet, not in it at all and this would be gold.

Forbidden Planet

Normally, I'd say don't mess with perfection (Anne Francis..grrrrrooowl), but I know there are tons of people who will NOT watch an old movie at gun point. Those loser...um..guys, are missing out on this great version of The Tempest (Hey, I aint no heathen, I know some Shake Spears!) With a bigger budget, the right cast i.e. don't put Ben Affleck in it crying like a litte bitch, or better yet, not at all and you've got gold AGAIN! My favo(U)rite quote from this one? "Would 60 gallons be sufficient?".

Mad Max

Another movie I thought might get redone when all of the "Fast & Furious" types came out. This movie, along with Top Gun taught me that you don't want the nickname "Goose".

It Came From Outer Space

Similar to Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but with a happy ending. This one could be good if done right. I mean, it IS good, it could just be better and creepier if done right. They'd have to change the name of course and NOT have it in 3-D. I actually think that M. Night Shyamalan could do a great job with this one. It's kinda up his alley. Speaking of alley.....

Damnation Alley
(The only clip I could find on YouTube)

The Jan-Micheal Vincent Masterpeice (Hey! JMV was the MAN. Shut up!) kinda, sorta based on the book by Roger Zelazny would be another goody if handled WAY better than this. My love for cheesy, low budget, movies forces me to recall this one with fondness.

....and poor grammar.

The Incredible Shrinking Man
(Warning: This is the ending. Dont watch this if you wanna see the movie)

I truly do not think you can do this BETTER, just updated, for dorks who will not watch a B&W movie. This is one of my all time favo(U)rites. The genius what is Richard Matheson wrote it so how bad could it be, right? Sadly, if Hollywood did it now, it would be over the top, non-stop action with NONE of the deeper meaning or emotion. The ending speech is just awesome. "To God, there is no zero. I still exist.".

Thanks for reading.

More to come....

one of us now....

2007-07-25T06:21:00.000-06:00

So, the other day I went to see "Chuck & Larry". It was ok. Wait to rent it. If you just can't wait, go see the matinee if you can find a theatre that still offers cheaper prices. All I can truly recall about it is an equally hot/terrifying scene involving 5 or 6 asian girls running around in their undies.

This post isn't about that. Not Chuck & Larry OR my irrational fear of asian women. It's about the trailer I saw for the movie The Invasion. When it first started, I thought "Whoa, somebody remade The Andromeda Strain?". That's cuz the trailer doesn't start out with the title. Once it got going I was all" Geezus, ANOTHER remake of Invasion of The Body Snatchers?!". This has to be at least the 3rd or 4th one that's been made, right?

First you had the classic..

"They're already here!!"

Then there was the laate 70's one....

(Jerk points finger at you) "Wwwwrrrroooaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrghh!"

Then there was the one with that hot chick.....

(Jerk...um....yeah I got nuthin)

I'm pretty sure there was a Roger Corman produced or some other cheapo 80's version with a different name that was the same thing, and this isn't even counting the movie The Puppet Masters which is based on Robert A. Heinlein's book that came out BEFORE Invasion of The Body Snatchers so the movie seemed like a bad "Snatchers" ripoff when really all these flicks are good Heinlein ripoffs. Kind of like when those crappy Allan Quatermain movies starring Richard Chamberlain & Sharon (ugh) Stone came out trying to cash in on the Indiana Jones action. Indy is a really, really good ripoff/tribute to Allan Q who's stories predate the Speilberg/Lucas stuff by almost a hundred years. I digress...

It get's me thinking about how many MORE versions I'll see before I croak and wondering why nobody can seem to come up with an even halfway original idea in Hollywood. M. Night Shayamanamanamanon I thought had something, but he's turned into a one trick pony. It's a good trick, but after awhile it gets old. If you're gonna remake old SciFi stuff I can rattle of a list of some flicks that would be awesome with the right people and decent money spent. Lemme get some work out of the way and I'll be right back with that list, k?

I'm bringing two sprained wrists back.

2007-07-23T14:56:00.000-06:00

I'm bringing doofus back

2007-07-22T21:03:00.000-06:00

A post that will bring me tons of Google hits.

2007-07-20T11:45:00.000-06:00

The guys I work with watch WAY too much porn.

Dear Minneapolis reader,

2007-07-18T09:07:00.000-06:00

Who are you?
Why do you stop by so often ('specially since I haven't been interseting in a year)?
Is there a Maxiapolis?
Why don't the Vikings play outside and get a weather advantage in the winter, like back when Fran "The Man" Tarkenton (Yes, I have his jersey) played? Now they're a wussy dome team. Didn't you see how Indy only won it all when they made sure they played inside?
How come nobody talks about St. Paul?

Holiday Jerk

2007-07-16T16:32:00.000-06:00

I'm alive. (Hooray or Sorry to whomever)
I took a lil vacation; got away from the world for a bit and learned words like "whomever" and how to take a stab at using a semicolon.
I'm back and not really refreshed. It would've been quite relaxing if not for housing with a clinically insane member of my family (I'm not joking) who has over the years attempted to kill both grandparents and my mom. Sleep did not come easily. The only plus really was that I was away from work. It was an odd experience to say the least.

I'm back, looking forward to posting stuff and heading to Photogirls blog to peep me some lovely "Little Bird".

Peas out,

Jerk

2007-07-09T09:04:00.000-06:00

Blogger won't let me title posts today.

Happy Friday!

2007-07-06T09:09:00.000-06:00

Let there be rock - AC/DC
Check it out, Angus with short hair!

The louder, the better.

You don't wanna work or whatever it is you're doin today anyway.

2007-07-05T11:37:00.000-06:00

TERROR AT 20,000 FEET
Pt. 1 = Approx. 9mins

Pt. 2 = Approx. 9mins

Pt. 3 Approx. 2mins

Bonus: Funny, but only if you watch at least pt. 2 & 3

Cuz ees funny, no?

2007-07-05T09:55:00.000-06:00

Q & J pt. 1

2007-07-03T07:22:00.000-06:00

KOM was kind (twisted?) enough to hit me back with questions after I "interviewed" him on his blog. Since my "Muse" hath left me I need something to do, right? So, without further ado (whatever that is) here we go....

1) One of my best friends is getting married on 7/7/07. I think there should be an Iron Maiden song to commemorate - what are the lyrics (double plus-good points for guitar tab!)?

First, I'd like to point out that King Diamond already recorded The Seventh day of July, 1777 so the "7" thing has been done.

Nextly, your buddies wedding wouldn't get the ol' Maiden juices flowing HOWEVAH......there WAS
a historic type battle fought on this date and that would be right up Maidens alley (or lower); or perhaps I should joke that they already wrote a "wedding" song and post the lyrics to Hallowed Be Thy Name, I shant. This of course is all hypno....hippothem......make believe, so allow me to describe a Maiden tribute to your buddies impending wedded *cough* bliss.
It would be in the key of G.
It would start out with the ubiquitous Steve Harris "trotting" descending bassline (Doombitty doombitty doombitty...).
A slow building "rata-tat-a-tah rata-tat-a-tah ratat-tat-a-tah tickity TAT" would kick in
Then Paul Dianno (Yes, early Maiden would better suit this tune) would belt out a "come on YEAH!" and all Maiden-ish heck would break loose as the guitars do a nice harmonized "Dee-dah d'dah, dee-dah d'dah dee dah dee dun-uh-nuh nun-nuh-nuh" type thing. It's pretty easy to capture this for anyone that wore out the first album, "Killers" and "Maiden Japan" (I own "Maiden Greece!" on VINYL EVEN!). If you really want TAB for this gimme a few days to putter around and find my insta-tab program. Here's some lyrics set to a Phantom of the Opera/Charlotte the Harlot-ish song....

Wed or Dead?

She took your heart
You'll take her hand
You lost your head
I understand.....

But all the boys
who love their toys
think that you've gone mad.....

Don't waste your time tryin' to expliain....
All they understand is pain.......
They'll get in your head and eat your brain.....(um, this IS early Maiden we're talking about, man.)
Don't listen when they say...

then the chorus I guess, probably some join in/audience particpation thing like..

Better DEAD, than wed!
they yell..
Better DEAD, than wed!
it's Hell...
Better DEAD, than wed!
you cry...
Better DEAD, than wed!
But why?

Then the Maiden "Bum bum bummmmmm" break followed by a little mellow, interludey (I made word!), overused but warm and familiar arpeggiated b5 chord type thing...

This is where Dianno was better than Dickenson, which, to some Maiden fans is heresy to say, but true.

Oooooooooh, but you look into her eyes.....
and you know love's true....
Yeaaaaahhhhh, you look into her eyes......
and know that love's for you.......

Cuz you, you foudn out that blah blee blah blah blah...
There'd be more lovey dovey type words for a bit and then the slow building "Trot" and drum thing would start up as Paul would hold the last note out and build with the music... Yeah....love is for youuuuuuuuuu..ooooooooohh......whooooaaaaaa.......yeeeeeeeeeee-AAA-AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Do I need to go on? If you know Maiden, you get it, if not, you'll never get it.

I'll be answering these one post at a time. Here's what you have to look forward too.

2) I've read too much Sci-Fi for my poor little brain, but one thing has always stuck with me: I think it was Odd John in which a little girl was able to telekinetically remove the fluid from an all too full bladder, and release it far away. In a Haiku, please describe the sensation of your bladder being suddenly voided.

3) I've been hearing rumors about "vintage" beers; beers that are brewed with cinnamon, coriander, naked virgins sacrificed under a full moon... Simple question: Are you on board? If not, tell me how Belgian Trappist beers are the best ever tasted (kind of a personal love, you may have noticed -- but if I'm wrong, lie to me anyway!)

4) This one's for your hard-core crowd: You've always promised to detail the 'Vanessa thing'. Have time or distance allowed you to expand on the theme?

5) This is my blog, so I get more than a little leeway. Is that a word? It is now! So: Describe Lascivious Polyphony, not as it is, but as you have experienced it! That is, give me a run-down of the last several years in half-forgotten innuendo and amusing crossovers. What does the person who isn't in my brain take away from that which is Lil' Ol' LP?

What does Downtown Julie Brown say? Wubba wubba wubba.

It's Monday

2007-07-02T06:26:00.000-06:00