Follow the s/hello brick road......

myflyingship.wordpress.com Huzzah!

To be..or not?

Is Blogging dead? Should I even bother starting up again? Does anyone read this, or is it only the Mad Spammer? PAUL WHERE ARE YOU?! Mae, what's up?

Gamorrah in the front, and Sodom in the rear

Better poker player.....Thomas or Judas?

The DaVinci Goad

Feeling better.

....

I play guitar. Or rather, I try.
There are times when I can't play songs I know correctly. I can't play songs I've "written". I can't even seem to practice scales, exercises....anything....
And I wonder if Beethoven ever took an axe to his piano, or if DaVinci ever stabbed the canvas with his brush and threw it all across the room in frustration.....or if it's just the curse of Simpleton.

To paraphrase Gump....I am not a smart ma-yun..but I know wut SUCK is.

...

I get the weirdest spam on this blog. There's an old post about when I jacked my knee up, that apparently is hugely popular with Russian folk. Mm...russian spam. I'm sure the can is red with a backwards P or some shit.

Hopefully, Twitter hasn't killed your attention span to the point of not being able to get past the first 150 characters, because there's some awe inspiring, "Thank goodness I got to read this before The Rapture occurred!" type crap I've just written. That is....if you're reading this before Saturday night. If you're reading this after.....well...um....I applaud your ability to get internet service in the Afterlife.

.....good for you.

Peace be with you, not peas.

Solo or so low?

I didn't used to understand addiction. My mother quit smoking a year or so ago, and she mentions, almost daily, how badly she wants a cigarette. How it's always there, this....wanting.

That's how it's been lately with me wanting to kill myself. More and more it feels like the obvious thing to do. I know it's not. That it makes no real sense, but that's not how depression works. It makes no sense. it is insanity. I'm crazy. Why would anyone want to kill themselves?

I have no one to talk to about it.

I'm sure there are people who know me that would talk to me about it. But, they wouldn't "get it", ya know? Other people, must i guess, don't give a shit at all. These would be the "Just go ahead and do it then, loser! Fuck you!". I get them. They've got their own bullshit to deal with in life,right? So, why WOULD they care about someone else's pain, trouble, shoe size, handedness..etc. They wouldn't.

I feel I'm rambling, babbling right now.

There goes the CRAZY I was talking about! Ha! (Runs finger up n down over lips) Bebulebuhleebu!

Awhile back, i mentioned that my girlfriend was in the hospital for a rare illness, and then her father passed away on the day she was being released from said hospital, and that he died right there in front of her. Well, the whole thing has just triggered this domino effect thing that just plain sucks. It doth. truly.

I don't indent.

SHe has suffered from depression ever since. See, he contracted(?) a type of pneumonia that one usually gets from being in the hospital for long periods of time, and that effected some rare thing he had, that then jacked his pancreas up....that chased the cat, that ate the mouse, that ate the cheese that killed the man that Jack built. She was in the ICU for 3wks. He was there every day. She blames herself for his death. If she hadn't gotten sick, he wouldn't have been there, he wouldn't have gotten sick....you can guess the rest. Because she thinks it's her fault he died, she hates herself. SHe tells me that she wished she had just died. SHe doesn't want to live. To be here. She hates life. Not the usual "I hate my life" crap, but life. LIFE. She HATES being alive. All of this crap makes her just hate herself. She thinks I should move on, go away, that I deserve somebody better...i don't know, tons of crap.

Awhile back I joined Facebook (resistance is futile!). I don't know what to write on there for the update crap, and certainly didn't want to be one of those people that puts every. damn. thing. they. do. on there. Jeff is eating a sandwich. Susan needs coffee. Hank has a tumor. You know what I mean. 500 updates a day about mundane shit. Aaaanyway, I decided I would try and be different, so I would post movie quotes and have my friends try to guess the movie. Sometimes, I would do a name that tune thing where you guess the song from the lyrics...whatever. Well, she would check my FB and see all these people knowing shit that she didn't know, and think that there was another reason she isn't "The One" for me. You know, because she hasn't seen Capricorn One or some stupid movie. Then, she stared seeing all these girls on there talking about hockey, movies, music, sandwiches...whatever. Bam! She then starts telling me that I'm LOOKING for someone else. I'm not. Well, Facebook then turned into something that just triggered bullshit and fights all the time. So, I deleted my account. THEN, she stars crying and telling me how she really DOES suck and why would I want to be with someone that makes you STOP talking to your friends...etc. So then NOT being on Facebook was causing problems. No matter what was going on, there was no correct thing to do. I was/am always in no win situations. It all goes back to her thinking she's this horrible person, and I'm just pretending that I'm happy with her.....it's just this non-stop, tiring thing.


So....I can't convince her, get her to believe that I love her and am happy with her. I'm not happy with how things ARE, but it's not HER ya know? It's all just making ME feel worthless and like a huge failure in life, the universe and everything. I've battled depression as long as I can rememebr. I was one meds in my teens, got better, stopped, was fine for awhile. I got down again, really down, had a nervous breakdown, got CBT therapy. It worked, for awhile anyway, but lately I just can't seem to talk my way out of all these negative thoughts. I think, no I know, that if I owned a gun, I would've ended it by now.

I feel worthless. Useless. Pointless. I AM just taking up space. There are so many great people. I'm not one. I don't even know what the hell I'm trying to say.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I just feel like I don't belong here. I just don't do things right. I can't do things......right. Whatever "right" is. I'm not good at being a son. Not a good friend. I failed at finding someone, getting married, having a life, which is what I thought we are SUPPOSED to do. Grow up, get a job, find someone, get married, live die. I grew up! Woohoo! I've had jobs! YES! The rest......I fail. I'm failing right now with my current girlfriend.

My depression lately, is not a "boo hoo, woe is me." thing. I'm not crying as I write this and feeling sorry for myself. It's that I really don't see WHY I'm here. There is no reason for me to be here. Other than going to work every day, doing my job, going home...lather rinse repeat....I do nothing.....useful? Maybe that's not the word. Reason?

I have no reason. No point. I am pointless. without point. lol

I provide nothing. I am not leaving it better than I found it. I should just step aside, and let someone else have the air, food, water, what have you...that I"m am using up. Al Gore should do a movie about me, and how I'm slowly killing part of the world. lol

There should be more to me. I have a hollowness. I don't know....I don't know how to put it. I"m not like everyone else. I'm not supposed to be here.

This post, like me, was pointless.

I like it fried

That last post has more Spam than Hawaii.

Wuddup Blog?

SO....

Back in August my girlfriend almost died from Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. Fun.

Then...

On the day she was going to be released from the hospital her father had some kind of attack right there in her room....21hrs later, he was dead. Sepsis, brought on by a rare pneumonia. Fun.

Now...

I'm a temp at the craphole I used to work at, because nobody else seems to want to hire me.

Woo.

Hoo.

Believe it or not, life is pretty good.

FOR NOW.....(Dun Dun DUUUUUUNNNNN!)

Meh.

"Fear & Loathing in Denver" or "The Thompson is a Lonely Hunter"

Hello.

Due to a threatening email from "California Kay", I am "back" writing. Sorta. I think.

Why now?

I don't know.

Perhaps it's because, even though I don't really know Kay (Does anyone REALLY know anyone?), I like her. I dont like many people, and yet I like lots of people. I'm very deep that way (or at least that's what I keep telling myself), I have a love/hate relationship with the human race. Although, most of the time I lean waaaaaaay towards the hate. Aaaaanyway, Kay had(?) a nasty bout of this thing called Cancer. You might have heard of it. She seems much better now. I'd like to think that my dumbass humor and whatever it is that makes some people like me helped in keeping her spirit up (or at least that's what I keep telling myself). So, I guess in a way, I feel I owe her. I mean, if with all the crap she's been through, she still is interested in what I have to say...took the time to track my MySpace page down and write a threatening email....I gotta do it, right?

Besides, she's tiny, cusses like a sailor and kinda scares me. I mean, if a big, fat, angry bitch came at me all pissed of and crazay, I'd probably slap that bitch down to save my life, but a teeny tiny, angry lil broad? I'd be like the comical elephant terrified of the little mouse.

Perhaps, it's because I just felt like it.

Perhaps, it's "The Voices" making me do it.

I say we blame that lil fuzzy headed garden pixie, Kay.

So, here we is....

You're prolly axin yourself (Note to new readers, if any, I don't really spelled that crappy. I "act" stupid to hide just how smart I am. ....ar at least that's what I keep tellingf myself)...you're prolly axin "What's J been up too?".

No?

Well, lets just act as if...

What have I been up too?

Nuthin.

Not a goddamn thing. I quit my job in July, which seemed to be RIGHT before the economy went totally in the shitter, and I took a 4-5 month vacation. I did nothing. I didn't even get as fat as I thought I would. Nuthin, Main, I dids nuthin.
The last couple months I've been looking for a job, and since I'm picky, lazy and picky, I'm not having much luck. Sure, the gas station down the street is hiring, and Arby's needs people, but that aint for me. I'm your typical lazy, spoilt American, some jobs are below me.....or at least that's what I kee.....meh, let's end that joke now, k? It's old like Ross Peroit's pecker. Whoever that is (I know; but he's old and dropped off, dig?).

So, um, where was I? Ah yes, nothing. I'm a pretty good saver, and don't have many bills, so I've been doing alright financially, but I'm running out of dough. I better find something fast.

What else? Hm....I watched a documentary called "Heavy Metal Baghdad" today. It's about this metal band in Iraq and all the bullshit they have to deal with. For instance, they can't grow long hair because that might give someone cause to kill them. The place they practiced got blown to shit by a missle along with their gear. They have to be back home by 6 in the evening because the psychos come out at night and all Hell breaks loose. Kidnappings, killing, robbery....shit, you name it. Gunfire and shit blowing up constantly, day and night, everybody paranoid and stressed out, all the time....it's both and uplifting story and a depressing story. Fuck governments and greedy nutjobs and assholes who try and twist religion into hate and people who WANT chaos. Fuck all those guys. Nobody should have to live like these people have to in the middle east and other wartorn choatic parts of our planet. Fuck all the Chaos-mongers who perpetuate all this crap. I hope they all drop dead tomorrow and leave all us folk who just want to live and love and laugh.

Ok, I'll quit bitching.

FOR NOW! (Dun dun-dun)

Seen the movie Role Models? I hardly ever, EVER laugh outloud, but I did when I saw it in the theater. I just bought it. That's some funny shit. Goodhearted, too. I recco...recomm...you should watch it.

Ok, so that's my update....
I'm stupid
I'm lazy
I'm kinda fat
and I'm almost broke

Oh, and I hate a large portion of the human race.

Good times....good times.....

Peas out, Bloggo's.


P.S. The title was inspired by what's on the TV in the background. I watch Biography on A&E whilst I'm being lazy and fat and hating and stupid and lazy.

The End

I did it myyyyyyy waaaaaayyyyy!

Goodnight, everybody!

X!