Jerk of All Trades v2.0

For some reason Blogger is going all HAL9000 on me (yuck) and won't let me put up a picture with my blog title over it. It's worked fine up until today. I blame sunspots.

....and hippies. Those fucking hippies.

I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming infinite prolific again. Tons of random stuff flitting (fleeting?) through my noggin. We shall see.

Duh

"Decide that you like college life. In your dorm you meet many nice people. Some are smarter than you. And some, you notice, are dumber than you. You will continue, unfortunately, to view the world in exactly these terms for the rest of your life."

- from Lorrie Moore's "How to Become a Writer"

Squiboogee is the new Huzzah!

I believe the Pittsburgh Steelers have found a way to stop the Patriots. A crappy field.

My knee is better. My back is not.

The GF went to her ultrasound for the pain she's had for months. Still waiting for the doc to call with info.

I briefly had an epiphany(!), I'd found my raison d'etre and the answer to all life's questions and just like that.......it was gone. Stupid brain.

Apparently they play football in Canada. Congrats to Saskatchewan who's team sounds like a gay porn movie and/or a DMX song.

Hockey related: Mike Keenan blows almost as much as Gary Bettman, how does he keep getting work?

Anybody own an Xbox 360? I'd like one, but man, I keep hearing about how they die easily. That's a ton of dough to pay for a Microsoft paperweight.

The other day a 13yr old girl was BLATANTLY hitting on/flirting with me. It made me realize I'm not a dirty old man. I found it disturbing and creepy. I also felt sorry for her parents. That's one horny girl if she's wanting to rub on an old fart like me.

Hey, do any of you know the name of a book about a girl who was locked in the basement by her parents? I think it's a 70's book. Autobiography thing. She escaped and told her story. When I Google that info, I get Oprah's GOD, Maya Angelou's Caged Bird Sings book. That's not it.

I'm reading The Game by Ken Dryden. Excellent book. Hockey stuff.

Hope you are well,

Jerk

Happy Trypto-fest 2007!!

The Canadians (and this is just like them) being INCREDIBLY impatient, already celebrated Thanksgiving, so I shall simply wish the Canucks a Happy Thursday.

Happy Turkey Day to my fellow Yanks!

Happy Just Another Day to the rest of the globe!!!

I'm thankful that all of you lovely (Meh, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt) people read my blog.

I shall now eat WAY to much food, thereby causing what little blood I have going to my brain to be focused more intently on my stomach, leaving my defenseless frontal lobe to fall victim to the otherwise too low of an amount of Trytophan, that will cause me to fall into a mild coma. WHICH(!), I shall awake from, only to start the process over again.

Thanks Bloggies.

:)

Into this wilde Abyss..

the Womb of nature and perhaps her Grave,
of neither Sea, nor Shore, nor Air, nor Fire,
but all these in thir pregnant causes mix't
confus'dly, and which thus must ever fight,
unless th' Almighty Maker them ordain
his dark materials to create more Worlds.
Into this wilde Abyss the warie fiend
stood on the brink of Hell and look'd a while,
pondering his Voyage...

- Paradise Lost

Friday Jibba-jabba-jumblypoo!

I keep meaning to write my Ten Rules to live by post that some girl I do not know in any way shape or manner yet I read her blog and she somehow, possibly, knows me (the No Celery Please broad), but every time I want to it just come out more like a "Jerks Pet Peeves/Ten ways to ge Jerk to smash your fat face!" type thing.

Therefore, I shall just type the following random stuffage.

1) My knee feels better today. It's an upper calf sprain on the back of my right knee. The loud *POP*(!) I swear I heard and definately felt was simply the fluid "snapping" in the same manner as when you crack/pop your knuckles. At least that's what the doctor said, but what do they know anyway, they're merely "practicing" medicine.

2) Why is it when people are crossing the street and they see your car coming they run juuuuuuuust enough to get in FRONT of your car and then walk the rest of the way across the street? "Oh dear, there's a car coming I better bolt out into the middle of the street and then casually stroll the rest of the way so's what they don't hit me!". Yeah, good thinking Gumby. RUN YOUR ASS ALL THEY WAY ACROSS THE STREET OR STAY ON THE PHUC-N CURB TIL I PASS!!! Grrrr. Bastards.

3) Here's a rule to live by.....

BATHE

This isn't France. Your "scent" isn't "sexy". We pay good money to have our water cleaned. Use it. You know what goes good with that water when you're bathing? Soap. Soap is your friend. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

4) Why are there fat plumbers? Ever tried crawling under your kitchen or bathroom sink to get at sumthin? Big, fat, plumbers crack looking hombres, shouldn't be plumbers. You know who should be plumbers? Little people. Phuc the Lollipop Guild, those dudes need to be plumbing.

5) Bathe.

6) Why do they bother putting articles in Playboy? Seriously. We all know why you're checking it out and it's not for that Obama interview.

7) What's with Wade Boggs doing Hair restoration commercials? Way to knock yerself down several notches on the Jerk Coolmeter. What's next Sean Connery doing Viagra commercials?

8) Speaking of....have you seen the commercial with all the old dudes in some kind of band, sitting around singing about gettin it up? WTF? Gay. Not Gay-gay, but gay like lame gay. Well, now that I think about it, it's a new kind of Gay. Gay-agra. Who does that? "Say Charlie, a bunch of the fellas and I are getting together to jam this weekend and sing about our Johnsons. You in? You sure? We need a flute player. Hey, where you goin?"

9) Is it just me, or have you noticed that Tom Brady dresses like he's going to some party thrown by Austin Powers after every game? The other day, after the Patriots beat the Colts, he was wearing a velvet jacket or some such. Is it his supermodel girlfriends fault? "Tohm, you no wud wood be real hoet. Eef you war a velvet jahket. Yez, und it woot be even hodder eef you wore some of my Victoria's Secret panties unnerneaf.". He looked like he was the stand in for Bruce Campbell in those Old Spice commmercials. Ahoy.

10) I still think about The Girl. A lot. I shouldn't.

11) To be continued....

Jacked Jerked my knee up

Popping.

Pain.

Swelling.

Doctor moving knee around.

More pain.

Wanting to punch Doctor in his fat face.

Anti-inflammatory.

Limping.

Neglecting blog.

Less pain.

Back to work.

More pain, but this time behind eyes.

More wanting to punch people in fat faces.

Ice good.

Peace.

Yo.

Ouch?

Sounds like one of the guys in my Dept might Be leaving so the boss has been asking if we know of anyone who might want/need a job. So, me being the swell chap I am, I tell this guy I know who works in the mailroom about it. He's been sick of working where he is for the last year or so and has been trying, unsuccessfully, to score another job and pretty much any job.

So...

I tell him, and he commences to pretty much tell me that my job is below him. That he'd rather keep doing what he's doing than work in my office.

So....

Me being me (the current me, not the old me), I start thinking about it...and start getting bummed.

If you knew this guy, and you saw what exactly his duties (heh heh....I said duties) were...

Picture a cross between Booger from the Revenge of The Nerds movies, Chong from the Cheech & Chong movies and Jimmy Fallon.

How much of a loser am I that I'm below him at work?

Geebus.

The mailroom crew consists of 3 normal people, the guy I just told you about who works to support his drug habit (Pot is NOT addictive though. It's not. Just ask anybody who gets high), an alcoholic who almost drank himself to death and just measured a corner of his apartment to see how many cases of beer he could stack there for the winter and then dropped over a grand on said beer structure (Picture a 50yr old Doug Henning), a "lead worker" who does neither of those two things, but loves to boss people around when she isn't napping at her desk and a guy who was an extra in The Outsiders but kept the hairstyle while taking on Oscar the Grouch's outgoing personality (oh man, this guy goes out of his way to have a shitty day. If things are going great, he'll fuck shit up just so he can bitch about it).

It bums me out to no end to think that no matter how bad their day is, they can all sit together during break and say "Yeah, but at least we're not that poor bastard Jerk! What a phuc-n loser that guy is. I'd kill myself if I was THAT guy.".

If the sad, dregs of humanity look down upon thee.....

Christ and his Mass, I'm a loser.

:(

Meh

I'm hungry