Dear Universe,

Excellent work making it "Girls that look like HER" night at the gorcery store. Especially the one in the hooded sweatshirt, baggy t, green army fatigue pants (too cold for the shorts hey?) and curly hair worn up. It was also a nice touch having a local news story contain a random people on the street thing that had a girl with her name questioned, followed IMMEDIATELY by a guy with my name. Sure, his was spelled the more common way, but I'm sure it was short notice for ya. I get it. Enough with the co-inky-dink stuff. I have a basement to clean and I don't need to be distracted k?

Thanks again......smartass.

Yours,

J.

This post v 2.0

This is (was) a long one, and before you get started I'd just like to say that "TIPTOE" by Goldfrapp is the coolest fucking song in the universe right now, and it's been added to the "her" soundtrack.


When I'm not bored out of my friggin mind (which should be a good thing with all the scary shit I have floating around up here) at my job, or sitting around clipping articles out of SPY magazine and pasting them into issues of Highlights to redistribute to doctors waiting rooms all over town or watching "Spuiten en Slikken" thinking "Whoa....my hair pulling fetish/control/dirty talkin thing is NOTHIN!", I like to try and think all deep n stuff.

Sometimes, since I do have a large brain, I actually stumble upon some profound shit. I then quickly wipe my feet and plan a trip to Famous Footwear (Free plug = Free shoes baby!).

HOWEVER, sometimes no matter how much I wipe my mental feet something sticks.....stays with me.

I have had an epiphany.
NO, a real one.
NO really, this time it's different.
What?
YES.....I KNOW I said that last time.....and the time before that.

.....and the time before that.

...BUT I'm SAYIN....

This is one that's sticking.
This is one that didn't just make me say "Well, I'll be damned...I was wrong about that. Hm..".

No.
This one made me sit here with an even dumber look on my face than usually, with my mouth hanging open like "she" just walked in wearing nothing but my Gretzky Kings jersey (The old cool black/silver one!) and a plate full of Pepperoni Pizza Rolls.
(Which, I've heard, they might not have in Canada. You poor, poor soUls....)

What?

Don't look at me like that.

This one had me taken aback!
....and I don't even know what the phuc "Taken aback" even MEANS!!

It's so friggin clear.
I've been so STUPID.


Ya know...this was a MUCH longer post til I came back and did the edit thing. It was a rambly, bordering on crazy-talk....weird thing where I wasn't explaining crap right at all.
It boils down to this..

I finally have a GOAL.
I know what I WANT in life and I've been going about crap (or most of the time NOT going at all), the wrong way.

I know what I need to do to get my shit together so that everything will fall into place.
When I get to the end of my little trip here, hopefully by the end of next year (or two..who knows..), I'll have what I WANT even though it might not be what I think it is now. It's like saying I WANT a blue ___, but by the end of my goal list it might actually be a RED _____, but that doesn't matter because it's the _____ that is the important thing not the coloUr.
(There's a fun Mad Lib for ya to do!)

Meh.

I got stuff to work on.
I am working on it.
When I'm done I'll be a better person and in a better place for good stuff to be all up on me.

Dig?
Good.

Holla at yer Jerk!

Peace.

P.S. I think only Wendy read the whole first draft. Sorry about that Wend!
It was a long, painfully wandering.....thing.
Sorry.

CHRIST I'M BORED!!

Fuck.

A huge job running here at work means I get to sit and wait.....it will be done in EIGHT HOURS!

My shift is over 3 1/2.

Not
one
thing
to
do


No one to talk too.
No blogs that I read have been updated.
I have to fight the urge to contact her.

I'm gonna lose my fucking mind today!
Today is......fuck, have you seen THX 1138?
Remember when he just starts wakling.....and walking....and walking...and it's just endless WHITE everywhere for as far as you can see. Nothing. No horizon. Not a fucking thing to occupy your mind.....

GAH!
I have nothing today.
Nothing.

A blank page.
A blank page of LIFE.
I don't have writers block, I have BLOCK.

Fucking BLOCK.
BLOCK!!

I'm not even sure I have THAT.

I don't know how rocks do this shit.

GAH!

I seriously feel like just typing anything...AYTHING just to have something...SOMETHING to do, to keep me busy, to keep my mind busy...I almost called in today because I'm still dealing with shit, but I thought "No...I'll go in. Work will be good. Work will help me keep busy and distract me from all the different crap going on."........

FUCK!

You know when you look into a cows eyes and there's nothing fucking going on?
I'm THERE RIGHT NOW!
(heh....I'm kinda funny)

FUCK!

Nobody's even emailed me today. I at least get one person emailing me SOMETHING. I don't even have fucking SPAM to read!

FuuuuuuuUUUUUuuUUUuuuUU-uU-uuu-uuuCK!

OK....wait....I can do this.
Maybe I just need to write about something instead of nothing.
OK....
Lemme make a new post.
I'll vent some crap about the ex-wifey situation.
Yes, that will give me something to do here.
I'm gonna stare blankly at/through/with the wall for a little bit longer.

Be back soon.

Music music...I hear music...music over my head.

I have a problem.

I love music.

I LOVE music.

I don't throw that word around real easy. I know tons of people who say "I love sausage" or "I love these shoes" or maybe "I love Katie Courics ankles"..
LOVE is used a lot and it makes it less than it should be.

I love music.

I want to kiss it and hug it and have it's babies.

That's not the problem.

I want to buy a new MP3 player.
I already OWN a 2gb Nano aaaaaaaaaand a old 20GB iPod.
Do you know how much friggin music that is?
I want more.
I want to be able to carry around more that is. If I could have separate iPods for different styles I would, which, I think, defeats the whole purpose of having an MP3 player with a ton of space on it. As cool as iPods are, they have some problems. You probably already know these, but just in case you're one of those nerd people who dooesn't know tech stuff (funny how nerd means something different nowadays hey?) here we go...

1) You can't take music OFF of it. Nope. I mean, you can DELETE music off of it, but if say...your computer crashes (which mine did) and you had a bunch of cool music that you compiled from waaaaay back when you could temporarily, kinda, sorta legally download music with WinMX, and when you get a NEW computer and load up the iTunes program, you find out that you have to REformat your "pod" (which deletes all of you music) and that even though the program SEES that you have music on it, you cannot click and drag it OFF of your iPOd and into your library. That's right, with an iPod, music goes one way baby. No trading it back in forth with your puter OR with a pal. You can't take you iPod and hook it up to your friends puter and try to give them tunes. Nope. It sucks. I found out too late that you can download a program call EphPOD that "tricks" your computer into thinking you're just moving music around on your iPod not onto your puter.

2) You can't just put a song on it. It won't play MP3 files. Your iPod needs you to convert it into some weird ID4 or something using the iTunes program. If you have music on your puter already or a pal has a cool song for ya, you have to slip it through iTunes FIRST or it no worky.

3) If the battery dies, you need to send it into Apple or some other joint to get a new one.

4)There is no Karaoke mode with built in microphone. What? Don't look at me like that. Just sayin.

5) There is no kickass, royal blue "Jerk Of All Trades" edition 6.3GB Nano.

SO, I'm thinking that if I get another one, which I won't cuz I'm saving up dough, but if I do, and im thinking that if YOU do, we should score the Zen Creative stuff. They make small, cool MP3 players that, get THIS, actually PLAY MP3 files. Your buddy just scored the Best Of Neil Sedaka (Oooooo I hear laughter in the rain...walkin hand n hand with the one I love..), but he only has it on his work puter not the cd with him? No prob. Hook up your player and POW, you got it. You've been jamming Joan Jett's "Do you wanna touch me" & "Cherry Bomb" by The Runaways all day and getting them stuck in someones head? Plug in your MP3 and just click/drag them onto their computers so they can wear them out too!

You can't just do that with an iPod.

I spend $100 buck a month MANDATORY on music and there is no room in my car or desk at work for all of that tunage. I thank you MP3 player inventing guy. You, quite literally, ROCK!.

Music Helps SO Much

Anyone that read the old blog will know that even though a majority of my music listening time is spent on hard rock and metal, that I have eclectic taste (Yes, I know everybody SAYS that, but I mean it).
For instance, I have a soft (sick?) spot in my heart for those smooooth sounds of the 70's love songs. In fact, I like them SO much that I wish I had written half or them. Yes, I play the guitar and I write some stuff, but all my inner madness comes out as a Black Sabbath/Megadeth/Kyuss/Scott Joplin (kidding) kind of thing. No love songs. I've tried. Chicks dig the lovey tunes.....the power ballad and such, but yeah.....it's not in here.
Now, I can write you a story, or a sonnett type thing that can make your heart ache and/or your panties wet, but I just can't put it to music. Well, I just heard one that is one of my faves, I just hadn't heard it for awhile. It kind of helped snap me out of the "letting go" funk.
Would it be too sappy to wish that this was "our song"?
Yes?
GOOD!
SAP AWAY BABY, cuz I want it to be k?!
The positive/hopeful part of me wants it to be, so there!
:P


Ladies and Gents I give you (Oh how my pal Lushy is gonna LOVE this choice!).....

REMINISCING
By Little River Band
Friday night it was late, I was walking you home,
we got down to the gate, and I was dreaming of the night.
Would it turn out right?
How to tell you girl...
I want to build my world around you.
Tell you that it's true
I wanna make you understand I'm talking about a lifetime plan.

Well that's the way it began, we were hand-in-hand
Glen Miller's band was better than before.
We yelled and screamed for more
And the Porter tune (Night & Day) made us dance across the room....
It ended all too soon
On the way back home I promised you'd never be alone

CHORUS
Hurry, don't be late
I can hardly wait
I said to myself when we're old...
We'll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park
and reminiscing.

Friday night it was late, I was walking you home,
we got down to the gate, and I was dreaming of the night.
Would it turn out right?
Now as the years roll on....
each time we hear our favourite song
The memories come along
Older times we're missing, spending the hours reminiscing

Hurry, don't be late
I can hardly wait
I said to myself when we're old...
We'll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park
and reminiscing.


Ahem.....by the way, I would like to mention that she & I already have a "song" but Sheri Moon by The Bronx Casket Co. has a COMPLETELY different effect.

;)

You guys suck

May I just say, that when a fella (that is ME) has to come in to work early (12am....that's midnight!) because there's a quarterly/end of year type HUGE amount of work (Yes, huge), and he's letting the machines (Computers and printers) run for awhile.....

You guys (and gals) suck (like a dyson) at keeping me (Jerk 2.0) entertained (juggling, nudity, jokes, stupid pet tricks...).

Just sayin.

:)

OK, enough I say!

Hey, I don't know about where you guys live but here, Wednesdays are sale days at the grocery store. So,if you go, there are a ton of old folk shuffling around to get more bang for the buck.

Well, I went to the store Friday about....man, I think 7pm, maybe a little before and there were a SHITLOAD of old people there. Friday NIGHT. Old people.

It looked like they were holding a casting call for COCOON: The Musical!
Not just that, they were GRUMPY old fuckers. Sourpuss's a plenty man. I got a walker in the thigh, a cane on the foot and almost run over 3 different times by little ol' ladies in those friggin gocart/basket things. I swear two of them were doing time trials through the produce dept for a race they must have early in the morning before all the old farts do the mall walk.

It got me worrying.....

I'm pretty damn grumpy NOW, what the hell am I gonna be like when I'm 70?

You know, besides still sexy.

Just some things I need to get out.

First, I want to appologize to everybody for jsut up and deleting my old blog without saying goodbye or anything. I've been going through a lot of shit lately and I just freaked and wiped the slate clean trying to get a fresh start. IT wasn't cool to the few people who kind of know me and those of you that really do for some reason like me even though sometimes I dont liek myself. My mom said once that going away parties aren't for YOU they're for everyone else to say things that they need to or want to say to you and if you blow it off you insult and hurt those people by making them think that their caring doesn't mean shit.

I'm sorry.

I didn't used to care (obviously), but recently I wanted to, NEEDED to say goodbye to someone and for awhile I thought I wasn't going to be able to, that they were going to do what I did and just disappear. I wont lie, it hurt. God, it hurt. I NEEDED for her to let me say goodbye, to let her know I was ok and that she, I, WE could let go. I got to say goodbye finally. It hurt. It sucks. It had to be done. We'll see what life has in store for us now. Who knows.

I'm going to do something I haven't done before, to for a long time anyway. I'm going to ask for your help. I'm going to need some of your strength ok? I feel so weak right now. I know that this deep hurting will go away, but it's just so THICK right now ya know? I just need you, whoever reads this and is a virtual pal of mine to just be that, my pal ok? I need you guys right now. I'm going to try really hard not to be a downer person because I dont want to be that guy anymore. I need to make changes. I NEED to make changes and I am and I just need positive people right now or I'll fucking fall apart ok?

I'm going to be ok. I know I will, I know it. I just need to get past this first wave. Can you guys help me do that? Please? I know you don't really know me, and I'm not in your world really, but please, can you guys help me past this first wave? It's gonna take awhile. It hurts so fucking bad. I know I'm gonna write some silly thing, random suttf.....and this pain is gonna sucker punch me and hit me for a brief moment. I know because it's done it several times already while just writing this damn post. I feel happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I know that this is what she and I NEED to do, and sad because....fuck so many reasons. Just please, understand and bare with me. I just need you guys to help hold me up when I stumble here for awhile ok? No pity, because this is a good thing. It feels painful and shitty and bad so bad and it fucking SUCKS but it's the right thing so no pity ok? That's not what I'm going for. I just need your strength for awhile. You shoulder. Your ear. OK? You can say that you're sorry that this is going on, but let's not wallow ok? Don't let me if I try either ok? I need you guys to help me get past this first bit and I know I'll be ok. So for the next few post I'm going to try and empty all this crap out so I can move on.

Thanks.
:)

Today Is A Good Day To Die?

No......it's a good day to live.
An excellent day actually.
:)

What's with that macho shit anyway? A good day to die?!? How does that even make any sense?

I've been jamming a lot of FORT ("In a new light" is great) & The Sword (Iron Swan rocks) lately. Heavy, groove oriented music. It's good....it's good....

Man, I had stuff I wanted to write.
Hm..
*poof*
Gone.

OH!
I reread the previous and I just want to apologize to Paris Hilton.
Paris.....you're a $10 whore easy (and when I say EASY...).
Sorry to sell you short like that.

Have a great Friday everyone!

:)