Exactly what I've been talking about.

I just came back from taking my mom Christmas shopping, and I watched her talk herself into buying a $129 coat when she really wanted the $90 one.

Mom:"I really want that other one, but they don't have my size."

Jerk: "Then let's go to their other store or we can order the right size for you online."

Mom: "Yeah, but we're already here. I'll just buy this white one that's similar."

Jerk "...but it's NOT what you want and you never wear white stuff. You always say that you don't want to get it dirty so you never wear it."

Mom: "That's true, but they don't have my size in that other one and I don't like the two coloUrs thay have left."

Jerk: "Then Mom, let's go order the right size and the coloUr you want online."

Mom: "No....we're here and this is close enough and not much more.....I'm gonna buy this one."

Jerk. "Sigh.......fine.".


See, my problem is that I want to help YOU. I'm trying too hard to help YOU guys. I get something, I TRULY grasp something and I'm trying to get YOU to see it and in the process you think that I'M looking for the answer when it's that I've found it and I'm trying to give it to YOU and I'm getting frustrated and pissed off because you don't/won't/can't see it.

I need to keep reminding myself that I can't help YOU.
YOU have to help you.

Many of you don't see the problem.
Some don't think there is a problem.
Some see it and don't care.
Some see it and embrace it as an inescapable truth.
Some don't want help.

I'm trying to pull you up and really all I'M doing is slipping back down out of frustration.
I care too much. I try to pretend that I don't give a shit about my fellow man, but really, I do. Too much really.
I can't help you, you have to help yourself.

I'm sorry.

I'll just focus on me.

I'm sorry.
No more of this shit.


I like Ritz crackers.
Mmmmmmm.
Ritz crackers and aerosol cheese.
Mmmmmmm.

Helpful Hints

If you are going to continue to read this blog might I suggest that you get a FIRM grip on the definitions of "rhetorical" and "moot".
Particulary when they are RHETORICAL questions and MOOT points. I will try and get a grip on grammar.

Thanks.

J

:)

P.S. I'll try and get a grip on typing also.

A Quickie

I dont know why I write about deep shit.
I don't know why I ask you questions to which there are no answers, or to which the answer is different to other people.
I don't know why I let othres convince me that I have a brain, a high IQ rolling around up here.
I don't know why there's no sun up in the sky....stormy weather.
I don't know why you read this and don't comment.
I don't know why you reads this and DO comment.
I don't know why I bother.
I don't know why I DON'T bother to do other things.
I don't know why every day...
EVERY
DAY
I feel the overpowering urge to give up, and yet feel the undefeatable will to go on.
The want, the need, the lust, the passion, the yearning for more, there has to be more, there HAS to be more.
It cannot all be sleepwalk.
It cannot just be.......

Can it?

Fuck, the more I write here the more I think you're all laughing at me or telling your friends/family "Hey, there's this crazy fucker trying to figure out the universe on his blog and it's the saddest, stupidest, HILARIOUS bullshit I've ever read. Truly pathetic man, you should check it out.".

I'm tired of giving up before I even start.
Aren't you?
Aren't you fucking TIRED of just meandering through this shit?
Then why does it seem that I am alone in this?
Why does everyone I ask, everyone I talk to about anything of importance, anything having to do with "happiness" whatever it may be, just fucking SHRUG when I ask?
Shit, I can't even expalin what the fuck I MEAN when I say "happiness". It's not the idealized shit man. Fuck, you already read the previous bullshit I'm sure.

I'm starting to think that if everybody really did decide to jump off a bridge you all WOULD. "It's just what we do J. We jump off the bridge. What do you MEAN do I want to? Of course I dont want to. Yes, I could just get out of line, but what then? Just go stand in ANOTHER fucking line? No thanks man, I'm gonna stay here and jump off the bridge. It's just how things are.".

Ha.

See, today, I let someone who gave up, get to me.
They harped on & on & on about how there's no point.
How you just EXIST and the MOST you can ask for is that bad shit doesn't happen.
This guy, he goes on about how he met the girl of his dreams, how she wanted him, BEGGED him to be with her and he couldn't/wouldn't do it so she left and he's cried off & on for YEARS over her and hates himself and takes it out on the girl he's with like it's HER fault he didn't go after this other girl and now he's heard how she's in a crappy relationship....

So I tell how I met this girl that is just beyond words......and do you know what this fucker says to me? After all his bullshit, all his pain and self-fucking-LOATHING and how he's regretted it all these years and can't stand that he didn't go for it...

He tells me..."Yeah, well don't bother man. You'll never get that. You should have stayed with your wife because at least you had SOMEBODY. You should just hook up with some local(read easier/closer) girl and forget that "Dream" shit."

Fuck.

I got a comment on the past post from a lady that gives me hope, and yet.....is she just as insane as I'm starting to think I am? lol It's starting to seem like there are only sane hopeless/sad people and all the hopeful people need to be institionalized.

Geebus, I just need to go back to blogging about wanting to bang Jessica Alba all the fucking time with an occasional "I like cheese!" thing thrown in for grins don't I?

I'm worried that I'll end up like that guy.
If I give up on the dream, if I don't even TRY for it and I find out that I COULD have had it if only I'd gone after it.....
I'll never forgive myself.
I'll hate myself.

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to go for it and find out that it was all a lie, a silly dream and I'm afraid to let it go and have it never come back.

What to do...what to do....

And I'm thinkin this stuff RIGHT before I go out to have a couple beers with the guys

I have learned quite a bit about people since I started blogging 2 1/2 yrs ago.
Perhaps I've only learned about "bloggers", but I think it's a good slice o' the "Western World" anyhoo.

A little while back my friend Angie's boyfriend blew his brains out while she was in the other room. It got me writing about suicide and how no matter how low you feel, how alone, how bad things seem, that you (can type a run on sentence?) can fix things and you should stick around. The more I wrote and tried to explain how depression can make one think/feel, the more I wrote about reasons to stick around, the less people read my blog. I got fewer and fewer comments and I only wrote 3 posts about it when I could probably devote a whole blog to trying to get people help and trying to help them get out of the funk (I've been there).

No one wants to talk about it. I understand that it's an uncomfortable topic, and that even with THIS I have turned people off to reading any further. Even my then pseudo-GF asked me "What's with all the suicide crap?". Suicide crap. You wanna know why people keep it to themselves and you don't know until it's too late? "Suicide crap".

Anyhoo...

Recently I've learned of another topic that turns people off, one that they don't want to talk about...."Love" and/or "Happiness".

This whole friggin post is gonna be shit nobody likes to talk about I guess. (shrug)

Do you know that in the past couple weeks I have asked several people about "love", about if/when they knew it was, and if/when they knew their spouse was the one they wanted to spend the rest ot their lives with?

You know what I got back?
Lemme break it down for you...

Not one single guy I asked mentioned loving their spouse. "We met, I dug her and after dating for a couple years we got married, had a kid....".

Not one guy mentioned anything like "Well, I met her at a party (or whatever) and after talking to her all night I just felt that this girl was special.". Nothing even close.
Mostly, from the men and women I asked, including people I thought were great, happy, loving couples, I got shrugs.

Going by what I got back from this is "I liked them, they liked me back.....(shrug) we got married.".

Before I even got to ask one girl she informed me that they were getting divorced.
One guy, who's not married but has been with the same girl for 10yrs with 2 kids just started telling me how he's been nailing this girl on the side.

The guy I worked with at my temp assignment has been married for 25yrs and has 3 kids.....he jsut started telling me one day how he got caught cheating and had to "lay low" for several months before he could start up again.

One couple mutually agreed to split after they both discussed how they BOTH wanted (or were already) seeing other people.

ALL of these people are ones that I have seen together and thought were perfectly happy and I love. I witnessed them smile at each other, look each other right in the eyes and say "I love you" in a manner that seems truthful, not just the "I love you....yeah, you too" kind of thing.

I did it too, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm better than any of these people. I got married because she wanted too, and because I thought it would fix our problems. I figured she was the closest I was going to get to my "ideal mate". I wasn't getting any younger and I really liked her. A lot. Must be love or could become so right? It didn't; and the more I tried to force it, fix it, the more I realized that if you're trying so hard, it's not working. When things work, they work. When they don't, they don't. You can yell, and scream, and hit the damn machine with a hammer but if all the parts aren't there working in harmony, it's not going to work.

It's just that......out of all these people...everyone I talked to, asked......not one...

NOT
ONE
COUPLE

Was in love.


"Why are you with _____?"
(shrug)
"Why don't you leave if you're not happy with _____?"
(shrug)"...cuz, this is what it's like. It'd just be the same with someone else.".

I'm not looking for someone to talk all fuckin "It's nothing but rainbows and sunshine, and we NEVER fight, and I think _____ is so dreeeaaaaamy...." shit.
I'm talkin more "I knew, just knew, that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to grow old with them. I wanted to have children with them. This was my friend, my lover, confidante, companion....I was more comfortable, relaxed, happy with this person than any before. I didn't want to date anyone esle, sleep with anyone else, confide in anyone else...THIS was my mate.".

I'm takling about love, not "love". Not the Hollywood, running through a field of flowers, cue the swelling music, "Love means never having to say you're sorry" bullshit. I'm talking about finding "The One". Not in a "PERFECT" manner or a "I can't do better than this" way. I mean more of a "I don't WANT to do better than this." way. A "I love the good, and the bad. The flaws are part of the picture and without them the beauty wouldn't shine through as much". way. Like coming home to a warm, safe place, not just somewhere where you eat & sleep when you're not working. a palce you WANT to go home to, not just where you do because you have nowhere else to go.

Shit, I don't even know what I mean I guess.
It's so damn hard to explain.

I just got very discouraged by the feedback I got.
"Love"...the ideal, the myth, not even the reality we all THINK might exist....

Apparently it doesn't.
There is just "like".
There is only settling for close enough.
There is only "Meh, I guess he'll/she'll do".

Sad huh?
The more I write, the less I want to post it.
I'm not trying to bring you down, I'm trying to get a grip on the reality of things.
It's like, I'm not looking for proof that Santa exists, I'm just trying to find someone who honestly gives gifts for the pure joy of giving and I'm not even finding that. All I'm finding is poeple who give only because they HAVE TO or because they want something in return.

Can't I love you because I WANT/LOVE TO, and you me because you WANT/LOVE TO and neither of us is just doing it, pretending, for the car or the cable or the house or the child or the money or just because there's nothing else to do but EXIST with you?

IS their really no love other than Mother/child?

I SO want to prove you fuckers wrong.
Meh.
Why do I post this shit?
Hell, why do you read it?

I need want a drink.

The question or the answer?

I just woke from a dream. Odd working hours allow that I sometimes nap after work.

Things that stuck out:

"What's more important? The question...or the answer?"

"It cannot end in a definitive. The sentence CANNOT end in a definitive."

And Whisper To A Scream (Birds fly?) by Icicle Works played over and over and over throughout. The lyrics were much louder than the music and very clear.

Love comes, down upon us
till you flow like water
Burning, with the hope of insight
Feathered, look they're covered
with a bright elation
Stolen, in the sight of love
We are, we are,
we are but your children,
Finding our way around indecision,
We are, we are
we are ever helpless
Take us forever,
A whisper to a scream
Birds fly, in the eye
of the faithless daughter
Broken, at the bitter end
Wasted, sacrificed for a new Nirvana
Night time, sends us on our way
A whisper to a scream

..and I was walking, always walking..
Walking and talking to different people. Only one at a time, but several people, real and dreamfolk, came and went, but always someone was talking to me as I walked.

We only breifly stopped to get mexican food at a really weird type of Automat.

I feels like it meant something.
That I was supposed to get something from it.

I have NO idea what the hell I was trying to tell myself.
I've NEVER understood what this friggin song was/is about, and I don't get the "question/answer"/"Can't end in a definitive" stuff.

Help?

It IS Christmas time, perhaps it was just an "undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese..." Dickensian crap. (It's from A Christmas Carol dude...sheesh.)

Now Playing

I stole this from Diddle cuz I was bored. It would be better, that is, there'd be more chance of random/wtf? stuff if I were using my 20GB iPod instead of my Nano, but here we go....

Set your MP3 player to shuffle
2. Press play
3. For every question, type the song that’s playing
4. When you get to a new question, press next

Opening credits: Smiley Faces - Gnarls Barkely

Waking up: Wait - Earshot

Falling in love: Cherry Bomb - The Runaways

Fight song: The Drapery Falls - Opeth

Breaking up: Every Litte Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police

Making up: Lonely Teardrops - Jackie Wilson

Life’s okay: Busted - Johnny Cash

Mental breakdown: Flying North - Thomas Dolby

Driving: Walk on Shadows - Maligno

Flashbacks: Cocaine Blues - Johnny Cash

Happy dance: American Nights (LIVE) - The Runaways

Regret: It's Like That - RUN/DMC

Final Battle: Jet - Paul McCartney & Wings

Death scene: Just Got Paid - ZZ TOP

Final credits: The New Breed - Coroner

Um...ok, that is one phuctup movie/soundtrack.
Scary even. Looks like the Nano did pretty good with the "WTF?" part after all.

I'm gonna try this again, because the next 3 snogs were good and I think would be a better soundtrack.

Opening credits: Pick up the Pieces - Average White Band

Waking up: Thicker than Blood - Death Angel

Falling in love: Let's Dance - David Bowie

Fight song: Melancholy - Iced Earth

Breaking up: Cool Change - Little River Band

Making up: Golden Years - David Bowie

Life’s okay: La Grange - ZZ TOP (heh)

Mental breakdown: Reverie/Harlequin Forest -Opeth

Driving: Who are you? - The Who

Flashbacks: Don't stand so close to me - The Police

Happy dance: Rock me to the Top - Tesla

Regret: Somewhere Down the Crazy River - Robbie Robertson (Whoa...)

Final Battle: Devildrive - Maligno

Death scene: All I Want - RAGE

Final credits: Worlds End - Heathen

BONUS track: Coast to Coast - The Scorpions

What's Jerk look like?

This was taken today about 15mins ago. Notice the lack of goatee. Take a good hard look because I've only been without a beard 5 times in 15yrs. It's been BIG talk all through the building at work. Yes, it's THAT boring there. Figured I better capture this for historical reasons. Well....that, and I sent off a truly HORRIBLE "J with no beard" picture on Saturday that was taken early in the bedhead/sleepy eyes/bleh part of the day and I wanted to show you how I look most of the time.

Tired.

..and for just for the record, I AM smiling.

:P

P.S.Don't fall in love...
This pic goes bye-bye tomorrow, so g'head and touch yerself like crazy tonight.

A Steady St(r)eam

Write sumthin...anything...aaaaaaaaanndddd

GO!

Blender
Big Spender
SplendoUr In the Grass
Ass
Pass the gas
tank
Spank
Frank
Streaking
Peeking
Peking
Moo Shu
Wu Shu
Wu Tang
Orangutan
Spic N Span
Tin can
Kick the can
Twilight Zone: THe MOvie
John Lithgow
"I can make you ALL go away.....any....time..I want to."
Too
Two
To
You
New Zoo Review
Chaca
Chewbaca
Boom Shaka-laka
Chaka Kahn
Chaka Kahn
Let me rock you Chaka Kahn
Rock it
Breakdance
Parachute pants
Teenage romance
The weather in France
The rain in Spain
Audrey Hepburn
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Diamonds are a girls best friend
Diamond are forever
Bond.....James Bond
Stocks and bonds
5 year CD's
MP3's
Baby Swiss Cheese
Chimpanzee's
Things come in 3's
Please
Acrimonies
Phonies
Baloneys
Fried
"Can I get that on the side?"
Salad
No ballad
It's not valid
Johnny Cash
Secret stash
Steely Dan
Peg
Blueprint Blue
on you
too good to be true
no more to do
this was fun
now I'm done

peace.

Ded Moroz (It's Russian!!)

We're doing "Secret Santa" here at work.
Who'd I get?

Vladimir Putin.

Nice.