I got some for ya...

Hey, why do some children feel the need to let loose a bloodcurdling SHRIEK(!) as if they were just stabbed in the eye with an ice pick or stumbled upon their mothers severed head, when they are merely playing tag or some such nonsense?

Why do some people TELL you what your thinking? You know, those folks that are trying to manipulate you, whether they are conscious of it or not, they're trying to get a reaction, or to find out what you really think. "I know you're ignoring me because you know how much it bothers me. I know that you probably think that I'm blah blah blah when I'm not!" You know what? Shut the fuck up. I won't play your phuct up little game. I have never in my years on this rock had one of these accusatory(sp?) dorks guess right. You DON'T know what I'm thinking. You DON'T know why I'm doing or not doing shit. You know why? Because you're not talking TO me, you're talking AT me and saying all the shit you want to hear. Fine. Go ahead and ramble on, get it out of your system and when you're done with your little pity party or whatever it is, come back to Jerkville and we'll hang. I don't play that bullshit. Never have. Never will.

Are eggs meat? The Catholic part of my family and my Catholic buds are all doing the lent (caps?)/ no meat on fridays thing and they're all ok with cramming eggs in their pieholes. Aren't eggs PRE-chickens and therefor meat? Nobody's ever given me a straight answer on this one. I think that eggs are meat and yer all foolin' (F-f-f-foolin'.... Aw, f-f-foolin'...) yourselves.

William.......F........Buckley...(deep breath).....has....died. Nobody paused like that dude. So long, Bill.

Why are they Chipmunks? Shouldn't they be Nutmunks? Woodmunks? I dunno.

U.F.O. means Unidentified Flying Object, not flying saucer from another world, k? If'n you look up in the sky and you're all "wtf is that over there?" then you can't identify the object which is in the sky. Even if a second later you can clearly see that it's a plane, briefly, you did, in fact, see a U.F.O.......and then you identified it. Most of what people see is experimental aircraft, top secret shit. If ther is life out there, I seriously doubt they're here to skin cows and rape your ass. Little grey men with huge noggins aren't sucking our goats. Grow up.

Now, Bigfoot on the other hand, that dude's real.

Just sayin.

Crunch time

Why do the folded over potato chips taste better than the "normal" potato chips?

Jerk's Emergency "OMG...I forgot it was Valentine's Day!!!" Plan: The reprint

Or The "So you want to see her naked this month?" backup "Please don't kill me in my sleep" escape plan.

This seemed to go over well last year, so let's rehash shall we? Yes, let's shall.

(U's have been added for the Canucks in the crowd)

1) DON'T PANIC!! There's still time. Even if you're reading this late in the evening you've still got time to save your ass. Er...."prove your love". You're just going to need to make sure you get the basics and are sincere. This means you have to actually like the girl, not just want to bang her. Women, even stupid ones, gain at least 30 IQ points on this day and they all put new batteries in their bullshit detectors this past weekend. Try to remember, football season ends....new batteries. Superbowl after party = New batteries. Write it down somewhere; because I know you guys, your memory is for shit when it comes to important "Don't piss women off" stuff.

2) Get flowers. ANY FLOWERS. Roses are two to three times as expensive as they were a week ago and they're probably sold out at most florists so your cheap ass needs to score them elsewhere. Now, because you're a dumbass (Dude, they've been pushin V-day for a month. All the red balloons and stuff. I feel for you, I've been there, but I've learned from my mistakes.) and spaced this holiday out, you've missed your chance to gain bonus points by sending flowers to her at work. Women, even ones that don't like flowers, love...and I mean LOVE, all the attention flowers bring. You know that feeling you get when you show off your new putter, or get a great deal on a gas grill that's twice as big as your neighboUrs? THAT is what it's like for women who get flowers. (Write this one down for next year too.) It's too late for that now. Go to Sam's Club or Costco. They usually stock up on a crapload of flowers, even roses, and they dont seem to charge as much as a florist. I'm not just telling you about prices because I know you're cheap and/or broke, but because if you DO happen to have some extra dough, get as many flowers as you can get. If for some reason they're out or all that is left are wilted, ucky ones with a huge sunflower in the middle, OR you dont live anywhere near a Sam's Club or Costco, get your ass to the grocery store! Get whatever they have, ANY flowers. You're doing damage control at this point ok? Any flowers are better than NO flowers.

3) If you've got around a $100 to spend, forget the flowers all together and get your ass directly to a jewelry store! Tell the pretty girl there how much money you have to spend. She'll know that you're trying to save your life, she'll have already dealt with at least 3 other "Dead men walking" this afternoon. She's there to help you. Go with a bracelet or a necklace. I say this because I know that if you forgot it was Valentines day, you probably aren't 100% sure if her ears are pierced. If you show up with earrings and they AREN'T pierced, you've blown it. IMPORTANT: Do NOT get a ring. Not just because it sends the "I want to get married" kind of vibes, but if you get it too big it's "You think I'm fat!!!" and if you get too small it's "OMG...I'm a big fat pig!! How can you want to be naked with a fatso?!!" , either one means you get no lovin. No rings. Just like with the flowers, ANY jewelry is better than NO jewelry. Don't decide that because you don't have a lot of money, to NOT buy any. Women don't just wear diamonds buddy. They buy themselves any pretty, shiny thing they like. Just as much, or more "costume" (fake, you dork) jewelry is purchased by girls as the real deal. Shiny/sparkly + Pretty = happy, smiley girl. It doesn't have to be big or real. If you're broke, you can go to one of those smaller "fake" jewelry stores that are jam packed with teenage girls. Again, ask the nice girl there to help you, don't just grab any damn shiny thing. If you're not spending a lot of money, you still want it to be as shiny/sparkly as possible, not the crap where all the silver paint rubs of in a week or the cheap metal turns her green. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about then that is EXACTLY why I'm telling you to ask for help.

4) If you can, get flowers AND jewelry. Even if it's the $10 mixed small bouquet (a bunch of flowers in a clear plastic funnel lookin thingy) and some $30 pendant (a small shiny thing on a necklace) you're good.

All of this is because on this day, the thought really DOES count. If you forgot it was Valentines Day they think that means you forgot about THEM. Nothing on Valentines Day means you dont care about them at all. Use your brain. Today is not the day to just tell them they're pretty, you gotta show them you care. Yes, I know it's a made up, commercial thing created to sell cards, flowers and candy, but I've never heard a story about a guy getting laid using that arguement. Never. Ever.Ever. Go get her something. Now.

If you completely phuctup and you're reading this on Thursday Friday....

DON'T PANIC!!!

You've blown your chance to get lovin NOW, but you can still save your ass enough to maybe get some on the weekend or at least next week.

Maybe.

You'll have to do everything I just told you about, but now you've got to go BIGGER. A lot of flowers OR nicer, REAL jewelry. Dont do BOTH, because then you'll just piss her off. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either, but somehow it falls in the "no imagination" category. Trust me, if you go TOO big, you'll just piss her off. One or the other. Really nice flowers OR nice jewelry. At this point you'll also need to do something personal. You're going to have to.......think. Yes, I know! Deep breath..... It's going to be ok. You can do this. Does she have a favorite place to eat? A favorite chick-flick? What's favoUrite coloUr? You're going to need to go, do, buy something that relates to her. Something that is personal in some way. I can't help you there, I dont know her, you're going to need to think of something.

If you've messed up really bad, gotten in a fight or gotten the cold shoulder, you're going to need to use the entire weekend to spoil her. The weekend is when you go over the top. At this point, you won't piss her off by going big. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either, I'm just telling you what I've learned from my own and some of the bonehead mistakes our fellow men have made. You can save yourself by pampering her this weekend. She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't drive.....you take care of everything got me? It's gonna be tough, but you can save your neck or much lower.

IMPORTANT: None of this will work, NONE of it, if you're not really meaning any of it. Be honest. Be sincere. Even if you're bad with words, tell her she's pretty if you think she's pretty. Tell her she's nice 'n stuff. Tell her you like how she smells. Yes, even if you just say "You smell good", if you MEAN IT, you're good.


Now ladies, guys like stuff to ya know. Think food. We like food. There was a short lived TV show years ago where a couple had a fight and the woman gave her husband two six-packs of his favoUrite beer, or as he called them when she handed them to him "Oooo...Guy flowers!". A dozen "Guy Flowers" would be nice. After that, just take your shirt off and press up against us, we'll take it from there.

Have fun.
Be honest.
Be nice to each other.

G'nite.

Conspiracy theory

So.....how are you?

Gooooooood.

The other day I went out and gots myself a new high techy thinga-majig to replace my old cellphone which died during the worst weekend ever in recorded "Jerk" history. Said gizmo allows me to get online from anywhere in the world(!), well anywhere in my town anyway.
Now, over the course of the past 3 years blogging has gone from something I did a lot of and really, really enjoyed to more of a "Meh, whatever...." thing. Sometimes I'd think of something I wanted to post about, but I wouldn't be anywhere near a computer, and by the time I did....poof, what ever it was had drifted off into the Ether.
SO.....I have this gizmo and I think of something I want to blog about. I decide that I'm going to blog on Wordpress because Blogger has been annoying me lately and does my gizmo let me? No. It takes for ever to get in and then it locks up on me. Ok, no biggie, I'll just blog on MySpace like I said I was gonna do anyway,right? Does gizmo let me blog there? Yes, and no. It has issues, and this seems odd since my gizmo manual even mentions that it has special myspace crapola or something. I'm starting to get pissed (angry, not drunk) when this little irritated voice in my head says "Watch, I bet this fucker works on Blogger".

.......

Lo and behold. Here we are again.

Again.

Everytime I think I'm out, it pulls me back in. I'm not sure if this really will get me into blogging again and more often, but we'll give it a shot. Me and the irritated voice that is.

Peace,
Jerk