Whatcha gonna do when you get outta jail?

I'm 37, is 24-25 too young for me to be dating?

I wouldn't be asking if there weren't interest from a couple girls in that age group. I'd like to know what you think cuz people younger than me seem to see no problem, people older than I don't see a problem, but people right around my age (mostly wimmins) are all "Hell no, that's a HUGE age difference!".

I don't think I can do it, even though one is really cool/HOT.
I'm still waitin to see what's gonna happen with the girl I've been dating after this whole photo-fiasco.

wtf IS that?!

So, here's the cellphone pic I was sent.



Thanks to some detective work by yours Jerkly, I have found that the phone number has belonged to two different people, one Randy Roberts and one Stephen Becker, not sure which is current. I don't know either of these fuckers. So, now I'm trying to figure out if it was a wrong number thing or if Sunspots were involved. Like I said, I texted them back asking who they were and got no answer. I'm guessing embarrassment or they have no clue they sent it to the wrong person. Since this whole thing blew up and appears to have killed my current relationship I'm tempted to post the phone number on every online thingy from here to MySpace to Trig to that message board that M.I.T.(?) has kept running since 1972.

Kids, before you send off that nudie pic of yerself make sure you've got the right number and that Orion's Belt match's his shoes.

I Have Something To Blog About!!

First I'd like to start out by booing allergies. I woke up unable to breathe and with my eyes all swollen up and gluey like. I no happy. No worky today.

NOw onto our scheduled blog posting already in progress....

"...Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk. Ha, that's a good one. So, anyway, get this..

The other night somebody sent me a pic via cellphone. Now, for some reason my cellphone is phuct and it won't show me anyone's pictures, all it does is give me a message telling me that someone has sent me one and to see it I have to go online..blah blah..here's your password....yadda yabbity blah. It's a hassle. I have the whole text/pictures thingy on my "plan" so I'm not sure what the prob is.

ANYhoo.....

I get the message, no picture, gotta get online....it does however show me the phone number. I don't recognize it. That's not too odd since I dont have anyone's number memorized anymore. I can recall a time when I could rattle off about 30 phone numbers, but thanks to my cell being able to save stuff I can't tell you anybody's digits and that kinda bugs me because I tend to BITCH about how technology is making us stupid, lazy stupidheads who are lazy and stupid. If you want to call someone from my childhood I can belt out their phone number and even do a good impression of a rotary phone "Shik! tuhduhduhduhduh-SHIK! tuduhduh-SHIK!" (yes, I'm that old), but new stuff....um...I can do that off-the-hook (hook, not heezie) sound "uuuuuuuuuuuh".
OK, I see that the pic/call was sent at about 2am and that confuses me more. I don't know the number and don't know anyone that'd be sending me a pic at 2am on a sunday night/monday morning. I get to work and do work stuff and don't get a chance to check the pic online. I ask my coworker if he sent me a pic cuz he's forwarded silly cartoons and weird pictures his buddies have sent him and he says no. Hm. Later, my buddy Reggie shows up and I ax (My chiansaw is in the shop) her if'n SHE was up that late and might have sent me sumthin even though I dont remember if she even has my number. She also says no in that oh so sweet way only Reggie can "Why the fuck would I send you a picture in the middle of the fucking night? I dont have better shit to do, like I dunno, SLEEP? I gotta send you pictures in the middle of the fuckin night..." (Have I mentioned that Reggie is Italian? She let's it show sometimes. I dont complain though cuz she can have me whacked.) OK, so Reggie is a no. Hm.
That leaves only the Pseudo-Girlfriend. She gets into work and I ask HER if she couldn't sleep and sent me a pic...nope. Hm. S'ok, I'll hop online and check it out and then I'll know.

Yeah...um...no.

It's a blurry, dark cellphone picture..of....um...an..elbow(?) and maybe...cleavage(?) or a..um..izzat a nipple or part..wait..maybe this is a knee...or..(turns head)..maybe the Arc De Triu...NO...Jimmy Hoffa's eyebrow? I can't tell what the hell it is. I've seen clearer pictures of the Loch Ness Monster taken with a Kodak "brownie" by a guy with a bad case of the "DT's" trying to stand on a pontoon boat he made out of coathangers, an inner tube and a gross of Dixie cups on a windy, overcast day.

WAIT! There's a message with the pic!

**JUST LYK LUCKY CHARMZ IM MAGICALLY DELICIOUS?a

Um...ok....everybody I know doesn't really do the whole "textspeak" and even if they DO, they don't SHOUT AT ME, CUZ ALLCAPS IS SHOUTING!! So, the pic is now definately posta be sexy/hot/sumthin. There's more though, there's music. Some latiny thing. The Pseudo-gf is a latiny thing, as am I, so NOW I'm thinkin she DID send it to me and she's just joking/messing with me. It's not her number though. Hm.

I ask her again and tell her what I got sent. Nope, wasn't her and now she's wondering who the hell is sending me that kinda stuff in the middle of the night. I tell her the truth "It's got to be Jessica Alba begging me to take her back!". For whatever reason, she doesn't believe me so I tell her that I've already checked everybody's phone number on my phone. It's a local area code so It's not the old stalker from a couple years ago, and even if it WERE, she only found my work number and old cell number and if she was gonna send me pictures of stuff you'd be able to tell what it was. Trust me. Nuthin bad, she was just a pretty good photographer.

Skipping ahead....

I'm convinced it's the P-GF, she swears it's NOT her and she's irritated that some girl is sending me n00dz of her elbow at all hours. I rememberize that the p-gf juuuuust got a new phone and still has her old one with an old number. "Ah-ha!" methinks, "I've got you and your jokin' ass now chicky!". SO, I text her daughter (The p-gf had to use my phone once) to get the old number. Nope, it's not that number either, I tell the Daughter "Thanks, I thought your mom was palying a joke on me". WTF?!? Ok, after exhausting all of the avaiable data I come to the conclusion that it was a wrong number. Out there somewhere is a girl who's embarassed like crazy that she sent a sexy/flirty picture not to her BF, but to God knows WHO! All I did was text back "Who is this?". I got nuthin back. Must be a wrong number.

I go home after work, drag my ass up to bed and take a nap and all was right, if not odd, in the world. Zzzzzzzzzz..

*FADE OUT
*
*CUT TO:
*
*Jerk wakes up from nap groggy and picks up cellphone to see if anyone called while he was sleepybye.
*
* JERK
* What the phuc....I...what the PHUC?!?



Apparently while I slept, the daughter texted the P-gf that I asked about the old number. The p-gf assumed I was, as she said "calling her a fucking liar", I've "overstepped my boundaries" (My inner 14yr old skatepunk high-fived me on that one) and then threw in a "and dont for a fucking second think that my girls don't tell me EVERYTHING, even things you tell them not to!".

OK...

SO, when I was thinking that the P-gf might be joking/flirting/messing with me and we'd all have a big laugh together when I "caught" her she was thinking that I'm a nosey, controlling, psycho nutjob who possibly is getting pervy with her daughters and telling them not to tell their mom that I touch their no-no place.

What

THE

phuc...

Needless to say, the more I tried to explain and figure out what the hell was going on things got worse. I mean, at first I was explaining my thinking and trying to calm her, but then all that shit hit me ya know? What the hell? When did all this trust bullshit occur? When did I suddenly start telling her girls "Dont' tell mommy, ok?" (Both girls are in their mid/late teens and I'm sure can spot a pervy old man and would've screamed along time ago if I was a sicko). One day I'm the bestest, sweetest, most awesomest guy she's ever met and the next I'm....geez, I dont even know?

Someone either IS/WAS messing with me or it really was a wrong number and the next thing I know, Mr. Dumbass, joking, honest, fun guy(ME)'s whole relationship goes to shit.

Odd world, hey?

So....got any cute, single friends? I promise I won't joke around or ask about phone numbers from now on , and I wont ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, evereverever, mention or open up any cellphone pics again. I learned my lesson, and you don't learn anything NEW the second time the mule kicks you.

So.....

How's it goin?

This is almost exactly how I doctored my profile pic!

It bugs me that they never "fixed" the back of her knee. I mean big time. It still bugs me. No, really. They never "adjust" her feet either and it's just wrong looking.

They should've touched up the back of her knee.

It's so not right looking.

If you're gonna do it, just go for the gold and smooth out that knee.

It bugs me.

No, really.

It does.

Just sayin.

It's like an Opera Superman/Clark Kent thing

Seriously, when you hear him talk at the end you're like "THAT dude just sang THAT tune? Shy, timid, regular bloke by day and then the most powerful tenor in the UK by night.
I wish he would've sung something other than Nessun Dorma, but hell, I can't hum the Oscar Meyer Wiener tune right half the time let alone nail ANY opera, so I should shut up.
In case you're curious he won and along with some money he'll be performing for the Queen. After that, I see the highest selling opera album in years over their, and if they sell his story wolrdwide who friggin knows how many he'll sell?

Boo

Some people have WAY too much time on their hands.

I'd like to thank them for keeping me from being UBER-bored when it's UBER-slow at work and for keeping me from being so bored I wind up doing the same kind of crap to entertain myself.

BTW, all the stuff I post is "Work Safe" unless otherwise noted. You just might want to watch your volume so the boss doesn't hear.

Not sure what to title this one

I was thinking the other day that my daughter would've been 11yrs old this year.

I've almost written about her several times over these past 3 blogging years.

I've only really talked about it with 4 people.

I guess I'll just hit "publish post" since I've been staring at the screen for about 5 minutes not knowing what to type next. I might post more about it some other time.

Mr. Wizard has died. :(

Mr. Wizard got to teach two generations of TV watchers the wonders of science. First in the 1950's and again in the 80's on Nickelodeon.

Ah.....remember the good old days when you'd take you knewly gained Wizard knowledge and use it to blow up shit in your backyard instead of leveling your school and killing your classmates? Good times...good times....

Mr. Wizard, you shall be missed.

From "Britain's Got Talent"

Truthfully, if I'd been watching it RIGHT when it happened and not seen an edited version, I would've teared up. I agree with the "joo-jez".

KOM "interviewed" me and it's taking longer than I thought it would to write. It might actually be interesting, stick around.

Whack(ed)?

Man, I'm glad I'm not a Soprano's fan. Never even seen one episode (No, it's ok, they're mobsters, they don't care if I used poor grammar as long as I don't rat nobody out). Feelin pretty good about it too cuz everybody on earth is saying that the last episode was the suckiest suck that ever sucked.

Hey, look at it this way, at least you GOT an ending. I'll never know the real end to Stephen King's Golden Years or if that guy on Daybreak ever stopped his girlfriend from getting killed. They got cancelled.

Quicher bichin' and just remember, we all got to see Gilligan get off the island and that's what really matters, right?

'Course now Jack, Kate and Sawyer are stuck on there with the "others" but that's besides the point.

Beside the point?
BeSIDES the point.....be...side the point?

WHATEVER?!

You know what I mean!

Maaaaaay-be the Soprano's shoulda had the Harlem Globetrotters show up?

I know, I know, it's not the same without Curly Neal and Geese Ausbie.

Just sayin'.

The Fred Conspiracy

There's a woman in my building who keeps calling me Fred, even after I've told her my actual name several times over the years.


What's this pic have to do with it? Well, when you Google Image Fred Flintstone, you get this lovely lady. She doesn't look like a Fred either. I found it fitting. We "Fred's" need to stick together.

Happy Friday.

Sure, they drop the "Mighty" and THEN they win.

I'd like to congratulate the Anaheim Mighty Ducks (Who, by the way, I picked to win even before the season started! I rule!) on winning the Stanley cup this year, and I'd like to thank the many Ducks (and Sens) fans who booed NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

You suck, Bettman!

I'd also like to say "sorry" to Canada. Once again The Cup won't be coming "home".

I wanna thank Ottawa for pretty much giving up halfway through the second period, and this was BEFORE you scored on your own goal (stupid flukey crap). I think I liked you better when you'd choke early in the playoffs and not get everybody's hopes up (I used to kinda like the Sens when Bonk and Hossa were still on the team and the early Ron Tugnutt days). Maybe next year you'll flop less and stop shooting the puck directly at guys. Try praticing keeping your sticks on the ice too. For awhile there you guys were in the penalty box so much I thought Anaheim had TWO visitors bench's. Thanks for helping your old buddy Jerk out by NOT extending the hockey season. :P

I still think that with Luongo, Vancouver is Canada's best hope for a cup in the near future. We'll see.

*sniff*.......hockey go bye-bye.
*sniff*

I'll....I'll miss you Hockey.

You suck, Bettman.

Where I werk

Things here at Amalgamated Shmuck are getting kinda irritating. I know it LOOKS like a fun filled place to work, but it's not QUITE as exciting or sexy as the pic makes it seem.


My Desk, where I sit and try not to strangle my coworker for phuc-n things up or making me crazy with his drunken ramblings.

Wasn't that fun?

The previous post was better.
Have a great weekend. I'll be one year closer to death.

Woo

Hoo