Joel & The Four Letter Word

I have a friend named Joel. Joel is a weirdness magnet. Truly bizarre crap happens to Joel and only Joel. Some of you may recall "Joel & The Magic Carwash" from the old blog. I'll retell it for the newbies soon.

For now, here's a fave Joel Tale of mine that's just funny. To me anyway.

Once upon a time we were bored and were just driving around. Joel is one of those people who likes to drive, so he'll just.....drive. Drive to drive. 'Course this was a looong time ago when gas prices weren't controlled by The Rumpelstiltskin Corp. You could afford to drive around for no reason. I digress..

We're just rolling along and a song comes on the radio. Well, ok, there were ALREADY songs on the radio, that's it's gig, right? I mean a particular song came on and I can hear Joel kinda singing along and I just start laughing. Loud, hysterical "I can't stop! I'm gonna pee!" tears type laughter. Joel starts looking over at me like I'm INSANE. See, Joel was doing that misheard lyrics thing. It strikes me as so funny that I can't even ask him if he's really saying what I think he's saying. "Are you ...Bwah-hahahahahaaaa....are you saying.....GWAH-hahahahahaa..". Much more "Should I pull over and run before Jerk kills me or drop him off at the nutfarm?" looks from Joel. OK, at this point I will ask you to click on the tunage to hear the song.



OK. Got it? Are you familiar with the tune at all? Have any idea what the chorus is? Wanna know what Joel was singing? Those of you that were readers of the old blog might recall because I think this was one of the first Joel Tales I wrote about. Joel was singing...

"Four letter woman.........four letter woman to me-ee-eee....Four letter woman.....wo-oo-oh-oh....four letter woman to meeeeeee..."

"Four letter woman?!? Joel, what the hell?!? How does that EVEN make any sense to you? Four letter......It's MORE THAN a woman. What the PHUC is a four letter woman?"

Aaaaand....WHAT four letter word? I was praying he didn't say the "C" word, we had our windows down, we'd be dead men if any women heard him.

Joel's explanation was....

"He's saying she's a lady. You know....classy 'n stuff. She's a L-A-D-Y....it's four letters."

I lost it again. That was THE most bizarre misheard lyric explanation.....how his mind worked that one out without ever figuring out or seeing the actual NAME of the song, I have NO idea. Somehow, I'm guessing, Tom Jones is involved.

Joel didn't think it was funny of course, since I was laughing.....well...at HIM.
To this day whenever I hear this tune I sing "Four letter woman" to the chorus. I hope you will too and remember our buddy Joel fondly.

Four letter woman......four letter woman to me-ee-eeeee.....

Should Jerk (Um, that's ME) keep blogging?

Here, listen to some Brubeck while you think it over.

13 Random Movies I Remember From My Childhood

I stole this idea from Jen @ Casual Slack

Good or bad, these are what popped in my head while trying to think up flicks. I LUVS movies, and I've been meaning to devote posts to some of my faves and ones that had a real effect on me (Night of the Living Dead changed my life.) or touched me in some way (Not my no-no place).
Here we go, in no particular order.


The Amazing Dobermans

This movie sucked. The first one is better, but I saw it YEARS later on late night cable. THIS lil gem I got to see in the theatre. How sad is it that Fred Astaire had to do this shit for work at the end of his career? Meh, the dogs were cool, the movie was lame. I remember it though.
woo.
hoo.

The Kentucky Fried Movie

I have an uncle who was in his teens for the late 70's and he would take me to see whatever he wanted to see if he was "watching" me. Therefore, I got to see TONS of stuff I probably shouldn't have, like The Kentucky Fried Movie. Violence, nudity, sexual inuendos that I didn't really get, nudity, cussing, nudity. It was awesome, and damn funny. Why people don't throw KFM lines around like they do with Airplane and the Naked Gun flicks I'll never know. Check out Amazon Women on the Moon sometime too. Good stuff Maynard.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Dude, do I REALLY have to tell you why this one is cool and I remember it? I can almost quote this thing ver-phuc-n-batim.
"I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her; marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive..... Buried aliiiivve....."
"....KHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!"
or
"THIS IS CETI ALPHA FIVE!!!!"

I could go on.

I shant.

Better Off Dead

Better Off Dead, oh how I love thee. Don't get me wrong, One Crazy Summer is awesome too and anything Savage Steve Holland did was gold (Eek the Cat anyone?), but Better Off Dead is genius. I'll let you do your own fave quotes. All I will say is.."You don't mind if I ask Beth out do you?".

The GOONIES

The Truffle Shuffle. Need I say more? No.


Gremlins

OMG....Pheobe Cates in a tight Sweater!! OH, and Gizmo rollin in the Barbie Vette. OH, and an appearance by Robbie the Robot from Forbidden Planet.

Superman II

This movie was awesomer than Superman!!! Well, it was THEN, now it's really dated and sloooooow. The most popluar quote from this one is the whole "Kneel before Zod" thing. Personally, I would throw out the "I WIN......I always win... IS THERE NO ONE ON THIS PLANET TO EVEN CHALLENGE ME?!!" line when I schooled one of my friends at some video game. They loved it. No, really; they LOVED it when I'd say it.

Losers.

Twilight Zone: The Movie

Again, another UBER-quote filled flick I probably wasn't old enough to see. The Gremlin in this flick eats the gremlins from Gremlins for breakfast. Lithgow is the MAN. My fave quote? I thought you'd never ask.
"I can make you ALL go away. An-y-time. I. want to."
Close second?
"You wanna see something REALLY scary?"

Return of the Living Dead

Ditched one of the last days of school before summer break to see this one, if memory serves me.
C'mon, zombies.....I'm there dude. Not anywhere near as cool as the Romero stuff, but good fun. "Send more paramedics".


I shouldn't have to tell you what movie this is. Scared the SHIT out of me. It was awesome! Scariest thing in the movie? That little midget lady. Period.
"Carol Ann!!!"

"Something bit him..."

My Bodyguard

This movie dates me big time, man. My Bodyguard. Mom took me to see it. Summer camp took me to see it. I think they even screened it in schools for a few years afterwards. I believe I liked it the first time. Everybody but the starring, Leo Sayer wannabe kid, is still working. Geezus, I just dated myself even more with the Leo Sayer thing didn't I? I have no quotes from this one, so I'll say "You make me feel like dancin'. I wanna dance the night away.".

The Warriors.

I'll probably see the remake they're working on, but I don't know if you can top the cinematic kickass-ness that is The Warriors. Another one my uncle took me to see. The Baseball Furies were the coolest looking, but they get their asses kicked in like 30 seconds. THEY HAD BATS FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD and still, they got whupped. Baseball Wussies is more like it.
"Riffs!" and of course, "Warrioooorsss.....come out and play-eeee-yaaaaaay!".

Wait....that's only 12. Lemme find one here floating around in my noggin.

BRB

Ah, here we go...

Wargames

Remember when everybody was worried that some dumbass kid with way too much time on his hands and a computer could hack into any government system and wreak havoc or somehow crash it? Thank goodness it was just 80's computer geek paraoia. That stuff could never happen in the real world.
I caught this on cable awhile back. I HIGHLY suggest you see this one again, if for no other reason than to see all the cutting edge technology they used. The friggin modem alone is worth a few laughs, if not this little peice of sweet hardware...


They probably pack more computing power in toaster ovens now than poor ol' WOPR here.
"Shall we play a game?"

This was fun. I think I might actually write about some other movies from the olden days soon. I hope you enjoyed this as...well, geez, I hope you at least scrolled by kinda slow on your way past to watch the porn info vid one more time.

I'm tellin you, eh. I'm..um..I'm posta be Canadian.

Some day, My muse will return and I'll actually WRITE on here again.
Remember that?
That was cool, eh (or hey)?

Ottawa is surprising me big time.

We're #1!! We're #1!! We're #1!! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

Technically this is work safe, but if you work with paranoid prudes or sit where someone is right behind you, you should check this at home. There's no nudity, but damn close. Interesting info. Annoying music.

GOOD Magazine: Internet Porn Transparency

Add to My Profile | More Videos

I had to watch this 3 times before I got it. It was tough to focus.

Bet you can't guess who my newest friend is on MySpace.

Happy day all you Mothers!!

THESE are the people I have to deal with!!

OK, so today, I'm wearing my Gordie Howe jersey.

A so called hockey fan here at work asks me......you're not gonna believe this....I'm STILL friggin...dumbstruck....
He asks me "Who's Howe?"

..........

Who....

WHO'S HOWE?!?!?!!!!!

So I tells him, I says, this is what I say to him, I say "The two greatest hockey players in the HISTORY of hockey are Wayne Gretzky........and Gordie Howe."

"Oh......"

THEN....omg....I can't even begin to tell you...wait, I guess I have begun...
anyhoo...
THIS is what he says next...
He says....
Looks right at me he does and honestly, no joking, asks.....
"..and what team did he play for?"
Didya...
Do you SEE the picture...
I'm wearing....

IT'S GORDIE HOWE FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD!!!

MR. HOCKEY!!!

What team did he play for...

What TEAM did Gordie Friggin HOWE play for?!?

Please....Canada...I beg you...just let me in.
Please?
I'll be good.
Just take me.
NO passport.
NO 5yr wait to become a citizen.
NO...um....having to eat mayonaise on my fries.
I'm down with the vinegar, just not the mayo. I even like the ketchup flavoUred chips. (Note the CORRECT spelling of flavoUred, with the U and everything!)

Please?

I won't breed.
Honest.
I was posta be born Canadian.
I just know it.
Please let me be one of you.
LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HERE!!!
:(

Who's Howe....what team.....

GEEBUS!!

:)

Every day this world gets weirder und weirder

I can see it now..."Smoke up Granny!!! Dayum...it's puff puff PASS bitch! Don't be Bogartin'!" His next robbery involved drinks and possibly dinner and a movie.

I've got questions, they've got answers

I axed KOM, Wendy and Lushy questions.

KOM has answered.Scroll down and read, he's funny. You'll like him way more than me and won't come back. That's ok though, cuz I read his blog more than mine too. Mine sucks; but in a good way.

Wendy is done. Good luck finding it amongst all of her vanity/boob pics.

Lushy returned my email via some daemon thingy meaning that I sent them to the wrong place.

sent them off again.

Happy Not Celebrated in Mexico/Nobody likes The French Day!

You gotta admit "Cinco de Mayo" is a lot easier to say than Diez y Seis de Septiembre (Desi Arnaz did wha?!?), which is the REAL Mexican Independence day.

I think Cinco de Mayo is only celebrated by my Mexi-merican peeps because nobody likes the French. See, on this day Mexico defeated the stinky French by throwing buckets of soapy water on them("I'm melting....I'm meltiiiiing.."), and there was much rejoicing (Yaaaaaay.).

I like Cinco de Mayo better than Sept 16th because it's less confusing for me. My Dads family is half Spanish, half Mexican. Sept 16th means I have to celebrate one part of me kicking the other parts ass.
PLUS, nobody cruises up & down the Blvd in a sweet Lowrider in Sept. It's simply not done.

So, Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone. Drink responsibly, and if you can, to truly enjoy this festive occasion, kick a french person in the shin.

Viva La Raza and all that.
(Chin nod thing)
Simone

The sea.....always the sea......

One of my all time favorite Kids In The Hall skits.
I quote it quite a bit and NOBODY knows what the hell I'm talking about.

I...sell....SHOES!!!

So...

...one of my coworkers is going to jail for embezzling up to $8 million dollars.

What's new with you?