I Have Something To Blog About!!

First I'd like to start out by booing allergies. I woke up unable to breathe and with my eyes all swollen up and gluey like. I no happy. No worky today.

NOw onto our scheduled blog posting already in progress....

"...Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk. Ha, that's a good one. So, anyway, get this..

The other night somebody sent me a pic via cellphone. Now, for some reason my cellphone is phuct and it won't show me anyone's pictures, all it does is give me a message telling me that someone has sent me one and to see it I have to go online..blah blah..here's your password....yadda yabbity blah. It's a hassle. I have the whole text/pictures thingy on my "plan" so I'm not sure what the prob is.

ANYhoo.....

I get the message, no picture, gotta get online....it does however show me the phone number. I don't recognize it. That's not too odd since I dont have anyone's number memorized anymore. I can recall a time when I could rattle off about 30 phone numbers, but thanks to my cell being able to save stuff I can't tell you anybody's digits and that kinda bugs me because I tend to BITCH about how technology is making us stupid, lazy stupidheads who are lazy and stupid. If you want to call someone from my childhood I can belt out their phone number and even do a good impression of a rotary phone "Shik! tuhduhduhduhduh-SHIK! tuduhduh-SHIK!" (yes, I'm that old), but new stuff....um...I can do that off-the-hook (hook, not heezie) sound "uuuuuuuuuuuh".
OK, I see that the pic/call was sent at about 2am and that confuses me more. I don't know the number and don't know anyone that'd be sending me a pic at 2am on a sunday night/monday morning. I get to work and do work stuff and don't get a chance to check the pic online. I ask my coworker if he sent me a pic cuz he's forwarded silly cartoons and weird pictures his buddies have sent him and he says no. Hm. Later, my buddy Reggie shows up and I ax (My chiansaw is in the shop) her if'n SHE was up that late and might have sent me sumthin even though I dont remember if she even has my number. She also says no in that oh so sweet way only Reggie can "Why the fuck would I send you a picture in the middle of the fucking night? I dont have better shit to do, like I dunno, SLEEP? I gotta send you pictures in the middle of the fuckin night..." (Have I mentioned that Reggie is Italian? She let's it show sometimes. I dont complain though cuz she can have me whacked.) OK, so Reggie is a no. Hm.
That leaves only the Pseudo-Girlfriend. She gets into work and I ask HER if she couldn't sleep and sent me a pic...nope. Hm. S'ok, I'll hop online and check it out and then I'll know.

Yeah...um...no.

It's a blurry, dark cellphone picture..of....um...an..elbow(?) and maybe...cleavage(?) or a..um..izzat a nipple or part..wait..maybe this is a knee...or..(turns head)..maybe the Arc De Triu...NO...Jimmy Hoffa's eyebrow? I can't tell what the hell it is. I've seen clearer pictures of the Loch Ness Monster taken with a Kodak "brownie" by a guy with a bad case of the "DT's" trying to stand on a pontoon boat he made out of coathangers, an inner tube and a gross of Dixie cups on a windy, overcast day.

WAIT! There's a message with the pic!

**JUST LYK LUCKY CHARMZ IM MAGICALLY DELICIOUS?a

Um...ok....everybody I know doesn't really do the whole "textspeak" and even if they DO, they don't SHOUT AT ME, CUZ ALLCAPS IS SHOUTING!! So, the pic is now definately posta be sexy/hot/sumthin. There's more though, there's music. Some latiny thing. The Pseudo-gf is a latiny thing, as am I, so NOW I'm thinkin she DID send it to me and she's just joking/messing with me. It's not her number though. Hm.

I ask her again and tell her what I got sent. Nope, wasn't her and now she's wondering who the hell is sending me that kinda stuff in the middle of the night. I tell her the truth "It's got to be Jessica Alba begging me to take her back!". For whatever reason, she doesn't believe me so I tell her that I've already checked everybody's phone number on my phone. It's a local area code so It's not the old stalker from a couple years ago, and even if it WERE, she only found my work number and old cell number and if she was gonna send me pictures of stuff you'd be able to tell what it was. Trust me. Nuthin bad, she was just a pretty good photographer.

Skipping ahead....

I'm convinced it's the P-GF, she swears it's NOT her and she's irritated that some girl is sending me n00dz of her elbow at all hours. I rememberize that the p-gf juuuuust got a new phone and still has her old one with an old number. "Ah-ha!" methinks, "I've got you and your jokin' ass now chicky!". SO, I text her daughter (The p-gf had to use my phone once) to get the old number. Nope, it's not that number either, I tell the Daughter "Thanks, I thought your mom was palying a joke on me". WTF?!? Ok, after exhausting all of the avaiable data I come to the conclusion that it was a wrong number. Out there somewhere is a girl who's embarassed like crazy that she sent a sexy/flirty picture not to her BF, but to God knows WHO! All I did was text back "Who is this?". I got nuthin back. Must be a wrong number.

I go home after work, drag my ass up to bed and take a nap and all was right, if not odd, in the world. Zzzzzzzzzz..

*FADE OUT
*
*CUT TO:
*
*Jerk wakes up from nap groggy and picks up cellphone to see if anyone called while he was sleepybye.
*
* JERK
* What the phuc....I...what the PHUC?!?



Apparently while I slept, the daughter texted the P-gf that I asked about the old number. The p-gf assumed I was, as she said "calling her a fucking liar", I've "overstepped my boundaries" (My inner 14yr old skatepunk high-fived me on that one) and then threw in a "and dont for a fucking second think that my girls don't tell me EVERYTHING, even things you tell them not to!".

OK...

SO, when I was thinking that the P-gf might be joking/flirting/messing with me and we'd all have a big laugh together when I "caught" her she was thinking that I'm a nosey, controlling, psycho nutjob who possibly is getting pervy with her daughters and telling them not to tell their mom that I touch their no-no place.

What

THE

phuc...

Needless to say, the more I tried to explain and figure out what the hell was going on things got worse. I mean, at first I was explaining my thinking and trying to calm her, but then all that shit hit me ya know? What the hell? When did all this trust bullshit occur? When did I suddenly start telling her girls "Dont' tell mommy, ok?" (Both girls are in their mid/late teens and I'm sure can spot a pervy old man and would've screamed along time ago if I was a sicko). One day I'm the bestest, sweetest, most awesomest guy she's ever met and the next I'm....geez, I dont even know?

Someone either IS/WAS messing with me or it really was a wrong number and the next thing I know, Mr. Dumbass, joking, honest, fun guy(ME)'s whole relationship goes to shit.

Odd world, hey?

So....got any cute, single friends? I promise I won't joke around or ask about phone numbers from now on , and I wont ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, evereverever, mention or open up any cellphone pics again. I learned my lesson, and you don't learn anything NEW the second time the mule kicks you.