it's monday

*cough*

Happy Friday (Yo)!

My Interview with Jen-tertainment Weekly

Jen over at Casual Slack had a tag/interview thing up and I was bored and she was bored and we were bored and you're prolly bored or else you wouldn't be here reading this so...

ready
set..

go.....................

1. If you were to add a 13th month into the year, where would you put it and what would you call it? I'd call it Shmebruary and I'd put it between February and March because it would just sound silly anywhere else. PLUS, if I had put it after December it WOULD be the 13th month and all the supersitious wussies and UBER-religious nutbags would FREAK every time it rolled around. By putting it after Feb, it makes December the 13th month and since all the big Holy holidays (batman!!) are there it will keep the masses calm (Baa-aa-aa).

....and what "holidays" would you invent for your month? Shmebruary 3rd would be "You Rock!" day, a celebration of everything YOU. All day long people would be expected to high-five eachother and say "Hey, you rock!" or some variation thereof. I have a feeling that Shmebruary parades would kick ass. The best part? No tax on Shmebruary 3rd. Shmebruary 4th would be Quiet Day.

2. What was the last thing you purchased for yourself
and what do you think you will purchase next?
I think it was shoes. I got some Converse Chuck Taylor lowtop slipons. It's like wearing slippers all day long. They're awesome. Next up? Not sure. I'm gonna need furniture in a couple months. I need to save up if I'm gonna buy this sweet lookin couch from IKEA.

3. In your humble opinion the Best Invention Ever! is...? Well, first off, I think the woman who came up with the blowjob should have statues all over the place even if children wouldn't be able to look at them or understand why she's never standing, but since I think "bj's" are a technique or skill rather than an invention AND since "The Wheel" is overused I'll go with Refrigeration.

4. If you could play any character in a movie (past or present) - which character/movie would it be?
There was this one movie where a guy got to nail like 8 different girls, all of which were actually hot or cute and liked to have their hair pulled, but since we're probably talking about mainstream stuff I think I actually could've played the role of Brodie from Mallrats easily since that's pretty much me ('specially that part with the kid on the GODDAMN ESCALATOR!! Where the phuc WERE his parents?!!)

5. What would be the three main rules if you ran your own country?

1) Annual competency testing. Failure means deportation to the USA, where idiocy is rewarded. (Hi Dubya!!)
2) No combovers.
3) Be excellent to eachother.




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OFFICIAL TAG RULES:

Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me!”

I will respond by e-mailing you five questions (if your email is not on your profile, email me your desire to be interviewed so I know your address).

I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.

You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Don't Play This One Either!!!

BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!

Man, I'm evil.

Meh.

Don't Play This!

You're welcome.

BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!

Supa 80's Explosion!!

Man, YouTube is awesome.









I'm thinkin of making another blog that is nuthin but music videos I find of stuff I like given to you with a lil Jerk history and crappy grammar and lots of run on sentences and a serious lack of punctuation and total disregard for spelling and music videos.

We'll see.

The Final Plague Is Morons

I work with idiots. I work with, stupid, lazy, cover your own ass fucktards. Out of all the shit at work I've been through, seen, heard.....THIS I believe may be the last straw.

On Friday, I completed a job to that could then be mailed out. I took it to the mailroom, as always, and they at least acted like they were busy and disappointed that I brought MORE work. I asked if I could put them in their safe since everything was done and they would be getting them sooner or later anyhoo...they were ok with that.
I told them it was ok if they waited until Monday to mail them, they COULD go out on Friday, but if they were busy with other stuff, it was no big deal, hold them UNTIL Monday. They were cool with that.

So....

I was sick on Monday. I go in today and find out that all hell broke loose. A boss saw the stuff in the safe and wondered WHY it was there, and wonder if they could mail it. All the fucktards could remember was that I said something like "Do NOT mail these today (friday), hold them until Monday! HOLD THEM UNTIL MONDAY!!!".

SO....

The boss yelled at the supervisor for not knowing WHY they were in the safe, then went a higher ranking person to find out if there was a special reason WHY they were on hold UNTIL Monday (Are you guys still with me in that this all took place ON Monday?), then those two people talked to ANOTHER person to find out WHY they were in the safe and on hold UNTIL Monday. Nobody seemed to know WHY, and the low ranking fucktards were too afraid that they would get in trouble that they kept pointing their fingers at ME (even though I wasn't there). Meanwhile, the stuff that was OK to mail, sat there not being mailed.

Here are the questions that were being asked of everyone instead of mailing this stuff out:


WHY did Jerk give us this stuff on Friday, instead of waiting until Monday?
WHY were we to hold them until Monday?
If all the paperwork, all of the things that needed to be done BEFORE it gets to the mailroom were done, and you could clearly SEE all of the correct documentation was WITH the job, WHY did we hold them until Monday?
WHY were they in the safe?
Why WERE they in the safe?
Why were THEY in the safe?
Why were they IN the safe?
Why were they in THE SAFE?

Now, if for whatever reason they can't get something out that's important or has to do with money, they lock it in the safe ANYWAY. They lock shit up all the time, including the crap like what I gave them.

The only thing EVERYONE seemed to be in agreement on was that I said "Hold them UNTIL Monday. They can be mailed out ON Monday.".

At the end of the day (Monday), someone made a last minute, down to the wire, it's now or never decision to mail them.

Am I explaining this well enough?

It was like telling someone "Do NOT push this button until 3 o'clock." and then after 3 rolls around they all went "Well, what do we do NOW? DO we push the button? He didn't say push the button. All he said was don't push it until 3. It's 4:15 now. What do we do? WHAT DO WE DO?! Why couldn't we push the button before then? I'm not pushing the button, YOU push the button. It's past 3. All he said was when NOT to push it!!!"

The mission statement was "Mail these on Monday" and they wasted time wondering why they were in the safe. It became a big deal that involved people that normally aren't even involved in the process. No one got in trouble, no one would have been in trouble, no one needed to panic, freak out, lie, hide, point fingers, have a heart attack, call the National Guard, call Canada and get some Mounties on loan, get ahold of the A-team, Michael Knight, KITT, BJ & The Bear, SWAT, Delta Force, The Dirty Dozen, Walker Texas Ranger, Dan Tanna, Urkel........the Professor and Mary-Ann.

A couple years ago they forced this guy Bob into retirement. Bob was very much like Forrest Gump, smarter than he seemed, and WAY smarter than most folk walkin around. If I had told Bob that they can be mailed out on Monday, when do you think Bob would've mailed them out? That's right, on Monday. Not only that, Bob would've understood and remembered WHY they were in the safe, not given it a second thought and mailed them out on Monday. They forced Bob into retirement and kept THE FUCKING RETARDS!!!

Wasn't there a Twilight Zone or maybe a Grimm's fairy tale that had people just sitting around arguing about crap instead of just doing whatever it was even though it was simple?

Am I making sense? My brain hurts from trying to figure out why they were in the safe....no wait, um....why they freaked out over the part that wasn't important. Yeah, I don't unnerstan.

If there is a God, I don't know how he puts up with this shit all the time.

It's Sofa King cool

Now, the "Sofa King" thing has been around awhile, but what cracks me up is that the NBC censors didn't seem to get the joke.

I used to go to school with a girl who's whole family had the unibrow thing going.
Poor Lizzy, I'm sure she plucks or waxes now.

j/k

Steppin' Out by Joe Jackson

(Shrug)

You Are 63% Misanthropic

Here's the truth: Most people suck. You are just lucky enough to know it. You're not ready to go live alone in a cave - but you're getting there.

How Misanthropic Are You?

Happy Friday the 13th!

That poor, innocent banana.



I'm proud to be a "Jason".

CHEESE: 2007

They just don't write funky theme music like they used too.

...or at all, actually.

What I like about this intro is the fact that you can tell Barbara Bain was a former model. Nobody can do the empty headed, blank, Stepford Wives look like a 60's model. Of course she was hotter (Grooooowl) as Cinnamon Carter in Mission: Impossible, but hey, I guess in the far out future of 1999, sexy is cold......like spaaaaaaace (Khan!!!!).

After this show went off the air Martin Landau, and then wife Barbara, were never able to get another show with a colon in the title. Well, not together. Babs scored a role on Diagnosis: Murder. Marty was not so lucky.

Bummer: Dude

Vonnegut has died.

Truthfully, I have only read Cat's Cradle and it didn't quite click. I don't think I was in the right "place" to fully get into it. I did/do however respect the man and his writing. I've read many quotes over the years and always meant to read more of his stuff. I think, that if I had known him, I would have liked him and, if I may be so bold, he me, if not my horrible use (or disregard) of grammar and punctuation, but who knows.....

One of MY favorite things involving Mr. Vonnegut was his appearance in the Rodney Dangerfield movie Back to School where he writes an essay about himself that Dangerfield
paid him for, and he winds up getting an F on it because "whomever
wrote this obviously knew absolutely nothing about Vonnegut!" or some such thing.

Kurt, I hardly knew ye.

Rest in peace.

My First Crush

Electra Woman, not Dyna girl. Dyna Girl was lame. I don't even know why Electra Woman kept her around. I don't even remember her saying "Gee whiz!" or anything. 'Course NOW, I'd nail 'em both, but back then, EW was pretty and DG was lame. Not like Amy Carter lame, where you'd be all "Oh yeah? Well, YOUR girlfriend is Dyna Girl!!" and everyone would "Ewww" or laugh, but still lame.

Ya Know What Sucks About Insomnia?

That whole not sleeping thing.


Paso Doble!

There's Always Room In Hell-O

You know those Jello commercials with the "Wiggle" tune?

Wiggle while you're wigglin...jigglin....whatever it is?

Yeah, I wanna beat the guy who wrote than song with his own mother.
That's right, I said it, pick up his momma and BEAT HIM with her.

I hate....no...I looooooooaaaaathe...LOATHE that happy....little....diddy.

I like jello, but I haven't purchased or eaten any in months due to that friggin song. No joke. They did too good of a job. I see jello and that phuc-n song pops in my head and yeah, no jello wantin.

No wiggle/jiggle.

Stop.

Only Tori Amos's voice has a more instant anger effect on me.

JERK SMASH!!!!

GRAAAAAWWRRRR!

JERK SMASH PUNY TORI AMOS AND HER JELLO!!!!


That's all.

Happy Easter!!

On this day we celebrate Jesus and his return from the dead.

And by "we" I mean people who are true believers and by "Jesus" I mean The Saviour, not my coworker.

Jesus of Nazareth (The city, not the "Now you're messin' witha....a sunovah biiii-iiiitch!" band. No wait....was that Molly Hatchet? No, it was Nazareth; but maybe I shoulda said "Love Hurts" cuz it would be less sacrilegious. HM....Nah, Jesus was badass in his own way, so I'll stick with Hair of the Dog/messin with a sunovah bitch.) faked his own death way before Elvis or Tupac and we celebrate his return by...

Is it just me or was "The Judas Strikes Back" just a much better book in The Bible than "Return of the Jesus"?

Anyway.....
The faithful celebrate this occasion by going to church on Easter Sunday and listening to some guy go on and on about how cool Jesus was and how we should all try and be cool to each other. You know, completely different than all those other Sunday's people go to church and are told how cool Jesus was and how we should all try and be that cool to each other. The only real difference is that on Easter Sunday, you're not pissed that you're missing a football game and there's going to be a shitload of food to tear into.

All the non or pseudo-believers will celebrate by telling their children that a magical bunny came during the night to hide hardboiled eggs and candy around the yard, then, in true heathen like fashion, they bite the heads off of bunnies and lil chickens and eat way too many jellybeans while listening to Black Sabbath or Ozzy from the Randy Rhodes era.

All the Pagans celebrate the coming of Spring and wonder why in The Goddess's name the Catholics can't come up with their own holidays and have to swipe all the good stuff from the Druids. OH, and I'm sure there's some type of naked dancing in the moonlight done by some really hot Goth chicks. I've never been able to find where they do it though, and trust me, I've asked. Apparently you have to "join" and Jerk aint much of a country club/we all wear the same jumpsuit and Asics kinda guy.

Jerk, who is of the Agnostic persuasion (Crimson and Clover?) celebrates by sometimes going to his Gramma's house and eating too much and/or just waiting until tomorrow when all the black jellybeans go on sale for a $1 a bag.

I'm not sure what the Jewish folk do on this day other than avoid Mel Gibson.

However you celebrate, may your God bless you and don't forget to brush. All this sugar binging gives dentists a hard-on worldwide. They already went down to the Mercedes-Benz dealership yesterday to test drive shit.

Peace and all that good stuff on ya.

Jerk is on Backorder

Sorry ladies, Jerk is dangerously close to having a girlfriend. He'll be off the market.

No.....don't cry. It'll be ok. You'll find a nice guy.

What?

Um...no, he won't be as funny as me, but....what?

Sexy? As sexy as ME? D'you mean with all the lovey talk and the writing?

Pfft.....that's just crazy talk.

Sexy like me........c'mon....

Seriously....

As if.....

I'm sure he'll be swell.

...or he'll suck.

(shrug)

Not my problem.

I know this, he won't double space all the phuc-n time.

Oh c'mon....

NOBODY thought that was silly/stupid enough to comment on?

Just in case you thought I was perving out on the girls, I shall remind some and inform newbies of my irrational fear of Asian women.

Ha yes, the spook me. God forbid I get stuck in a elevator with an asian chick. I'll.......FREAK.

They scare me.

NO, I don't know WHY......that's why it's an IRRATIONAL FEAR jackass.
I blame Kung-fu movies. I think part of me is waiting for them to suddenly kick my ass.
They're cute, as long as they don't get near me, then I'm on edge and ascared.

Seriously.

I'm not joking.

They look all sweet and innocent....very quiet.......and then all of a sudden....

WAH-CHAAAAAAA!!!!

I guess.
I dunno.

They spook me.

I'M NOT JOKING!!
(shudder)

Dont hurt me.

Girl, you're so hot, you make me sneeze.

Gimme your love....
You make me sneeze all the time.....

Yeah, Bob Dylan aint got shit on these lyrics.

I lurve this song.