A bit o' Spammage

Like you, I, The Jerk of All Trades, get's spam. Not as much as some of you, but I gets it. Let us examine a particular email that hath been drop-ped at my virtual doorstep, shall we? Yes, let's shall.


I am David Wong,an attorney at law (From the lawfirm or Wong, Wong & Black I am sure, cuz you now, two Wongs don't make a White.) . A deceased client of mine,that shares the same last name as yours (Really....Ofalltrades....a client of yours...mm-hmm), who here in after shall be referred to as my client, died as the result of a heart-related condition on the 11 November 2001 (Well, he's not your client anymore then is he?). His heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his family in the Gulf Air Flight Crashes in Persian Gulf Near Bahrain Aired August 23, 2000 - 2:50 p.m. ET as reported on:http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0008/23/bn.08.html (Waaaaaiiiiiitaminute.....you're telling me that ALL of my possible cousins family died in this crash and I'm just NOW hearing about it from YOU?! Seven....years....later? WTF?!?)

I have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this deposit valued at Seventee million five hundrend dollars( US$17.5 million dollars) is lodged. This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated. (Well, Ofalltrades IS a rare name, but if you were his attorney shouldn't you be able to get this dough without MY help? Are you telling me that my cousin, My Client of All Trades, didn't leave a will that maybe says something like "In the event that my family does not fulfill their obligation to live and spend all my monies, it should be distributed evenly amongst all the girls down at Hooters/Atlanta."? Are you SURE he was an Ofalltrades? I'm starting to think you're full of shit Mr. Wong!)

My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my named client (So.....lie.) , since you have the same last name, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage (Whoawhoawhoa.....SHARE?!? If I get the money, it's MY money bro. Share....the phuc. You want me to lie, put my ass out there to get in trouble and then you want me to just GIVE you a hunk o' money? And don't give me that "But you woulda never known without ME" crap. No deal.) All legal documents to back up your claim as my client's next-of-kin will be provided. (Hang on....if you can pull that off, why can't you just get documents to show ANYBODY is the next of kin or inheiritorish guy?) All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. (Are you shittin' me...did you just say honest cooperation?)

This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from many breach of the law. (Many or any? I know you're the lawyer, but there's a HUGE difference between those two words. It's like, will it keep me from getting many ass kickings or ANY ass kickings. Big dif there my man.) If this business proposition offends your moral values (Pfft...I have questionable moras these days.) ,do accept my apology. I must use this opportunity to implore you to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this matter extraordinary confidential (Huh? You lost me with the big words and lack of "il" in the word extraordinary), whatever your decision, while I await your prompt response. Please contact me at once to indicate your interest (No dice bruddah). I will like you to acknowledge the receipt of this e-mail as soon as possible via my private EMAIL:(david_wong_02liar-at-large@yahoo.com.hk.phooey) and treat with absolute confidentiality (Much better. Stick with "absolute confidentiality" from now on instead of "extraordinary confidential") and sincerity.I look forward to your quick reply. (Bite me.)

Best regards,
David Wong
Attorney at Law

I don't know which is worse. The fact that these emails/scams are going on, or that there are people out their stupid enough to fall for them. Methinks it's the latter.