NHL Trade Deadline

With the Colorado Avalanche on the fringe of playoff territory, with a slim chance of making a run, they make blockbuster suckass trades for a 3rd string goalie aaaaaaaand....

Scott
fuckin
Parker

A pseudo-goon.

In a time when, due to rule changes, "enforcers" are just about useless, and everybody knows "goons" warm the friggin bench at playoff time anyway, we get...

Scott
fuckin
Parker

Woo
fuckin
Hoo

Yes friends, the Avs have officially given up. Begin "We'll get'em next year!" mode.

Now, in a HUGE move, my other team the NY Islanders, got Ryan Smyth from the Oilers!
Go Isles!

Now THAT is the kind of trade you're posta make Avs.

Scott
fuckin
Parker

.........

Sigh....we'll get'em next year.
:(

I'm sticking with my early prediction that it's gonna be a fowl final this year; Ducks over the Thrashers.

Where I gots my name

I stole it from one of the bestest bands in the history of bestest bands, The Lunachicks. Yes, I know they say "She". I don't care. I lurve this song. I lurve The Lunachicks.

*sniff*

I miss them.

Red Carpet Jerk

Jerk! POp-p-pop! Jerk over here! Jerk! POP-op! JERK! Jerk! Pop-pitty-pop-pop!
Jerkjerkjerk! Jerk! POP! Jerk! Jerk, smile! Ka-chee-Ka-chee Ka-chee! Jerk! Hey Jerk!
J! Jerk! JERK! -p-pop! Jerk, look this way! Jerk!
Jerk who are you wearing? JERK! Jerk, who's your date tonight?! Where's your date?

"Huh?"

Jerk, over here! Who are you wearing?

"Who am I wearing?!?"

Your suit! Who made your suit?!

"I dunno...prolly a couple of 9 year old girls in a sweatshop over in Bangladesh or some sh.."

Jerk's "handler": "NO! Ha ha... He didn't mean that folks! Armani. Jerk is wearing Armani." (Turns to Jerk whispering angrily) "Are you insane?! You can't joke about that stuff here! Armani will SUE! Just shush. Don't answer anymore questions. Just go inside!"

"But..."

"Just GO!!"

Jerk! Jerk, have you seen what Jessica Alba's wearing tonight? Jerk! JERK!

"Don't you mean WHO? If I drink enough at the after party she'll be wearing ME!"

Handler: "I said GO!"

"But..."

"GO!"

"Sigh...ok.....you never let me have any fun."

Puttin the ol' dolphin through the hoop

Shouldn't jerking off be called Spermicide?

Would a blowjob be "Assisted Spermicide" or would that be Anal Sex?

I Like French Onion Soup

There, if that's not a good non-sequitur/nutso statement I don't know what is.

Belgium!

Crazy.....crazy for feelin this waaaay...

Jerk is seeing a therapist. Unfortunately he doesn't mean "seeing" as in "dating". She seems nice. Degrees from Georgetown and Yale. She looks like she'd be an awesome candidate for TLC'S What Not To Wear though. She won't give me drugs. She seems to think I'm not crazy; which leads me to believe that Georgetown and Yale might not be as gooda schools as I once thought.

Happy Fat Tuesday

Stagnant

I've done nothing at all with my life this last year. I kept waiting for something to happen, for some kind of sign, the voice of God...something. I met "The Girl",and I got excited "Finally! I have something to aim for, a destination! " I got motivated.

Only....

"The Girl" had/has her own shit to deal with. I tried too hard to force it. I got impatient. I ruined what we had by pushing too hard and then getting pissed/freaking out when things weren't going my way or fast enough. Right now she's going through the hardest, toughest thing she's ever had to deal with. I got selfish. I truly understand what she's going through. I do, it's just that part of me that got excited wanted it, us, NOW. I pushed too hard. She says I didn't ruin us at least being friends, but I did. There are friends and there are "acquaintances" ya know? There will be no more long conversations. No conversations at all really. Now I'll get snippets. It's odd to go from those fun talks with a good friend that jump around and end on an up note and a wish to talk again, soon, to "How are you?", "Good. You?". It also hurts to know that you caused that change.
Maybe in the future we can be that way again. Once she gets through this and things are settled in her life, and mine, maybe we can talk again and reconnect as friends. I hope so. I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all. :)

I've put off a ton of things because I wanted to avoid pain.

Those nature shows sure make it look easy to put your ducks in a row.

Mumble....

Doing your taxes is :P. I'm not paying someone to do 'em though. I'm filing late this year, late for me anyway. Normally I'd have filed and had my money pissed away by now.


DONE!

I filed online. You know how they have you check boxes n stuff? My fave...

Please check this box if you are blind.

We're so sorry Uncle Albert.

I just want to appologize (that is I AM doing so) to the few people that read this blog for being a confusing putz lately. For whatever reason, I seem to only post when I'm frustrated with life or after I've chilled a bit and truly believe that everything will be ok. I don't really fill you in on the inbetween stuff so I'm sure I come off as even crazier than I is.

I'm sorry.

Or, as "The Girl" would say "I'm Sore-ee" or maybe it's more "sorie". She's Canadian ya know so she says stuff wrong all the time, spells stuff wrong too. Alwyas adding U's to everything....it kooky. Only, they prolly spell it kUkie.

Hey, while I'm talking about this, I wanna correct my fellow Americans. Don't believe South Park ok? Canucks really DON'T say "A-boot". They don't.

They say "A-boat". They go "Oat and A-boat" ok? So get it right. Trust me, I've been up there a few times and have had lovely conversations with "The Girl" pretty recently. I know what I'm talking a-boat.

Again, I'm sorie a boat being all over the place lately with my "I'm done!!"/"We can do it!" stuff.

Truly.

Life is just making this confused guy even moreso.

Peace Oat.

Everbeen?

Twas on a night quite like this
(Except that there was rain)
that he went out to meet a girl.
(You dont need to know her name)

It was a date
(Of the type called "Blind")
that a mutual friend set up
and he was hoping that if nothing else they'd..
you know..
What?

Shut up.

He got there early
sat at the bar
and look for her in red.
He was nervous and wanted booze,
but drank a Coke instead.

An hour went by and still no date
perhaps he misunderstood
the time or place of their meeting
no biggie
All was good.

He had nothing else to do
and nowhere else to go
He decided that he'd have that beer
and just go with the flow

Another hour did pass by
still he was alone
"Maybe I should call her?"
He looked for a payphone

(This story takes place YEARS ago
he didn't own a "cell"
Hence the payphone line, ok?
There's still more tale to tell.)

He stood and walked towards the door
and the phone you had to pay
but he didn't stop to use it
he just went on his way.

He walked out into the night
and down the rainsoaked street
it wasn't raining hard, but light
the fresh air did smell sweet

He didn't care if he got wet
he'd always liked the rain
He wondered if she liked it
(the girl who has no name)

He walked around for quite awhile
and lost all track of time
it was raining harder at this point
but he didn't seem to mind

He walked and walked down empty streets
STILL.....nowhere to go
reflections danced beneath his feet
a watery light show

The city glowed
it GLOWED I tell you
on that rainy night
the beauty filled his heart with hope
Everything would be alright.

He drove home quite relaxed
a slight smile upon his face
he stopped and got some food to eat
at some little drive thru place

You may wonder why I've told you this
Why I did waste your time
the fact is....

I don't know

but hey, at least it rhyme-duh.

Dear Universe

Cardioke?

Cardio...
Karaoke...

Tae Bo Jr?

CARDIOKE?!?

Seriously?

cardioke.....

OK.....

In that case.....

Jerkercise!!

Wait.....that sounds um....

How 'bout.....

Jerkaoke!!

Too similar?

um.....

Jerkarama!!!!
In Jerknicolor!!
With Jerkdelity surround sound!!

Hm....

Nah.

Jerk's Emergency "OMG...I forgot it was Valentines Day!!!" Plan

Or The "So you want to see her naked this month?" backup "Please don't kill me in my sleep" escape plan.

1) DON'T PANIC!! There's still time. Even if you're reading this late in the evening you've still got time to save your ass. You're just going to need to make sure you get the basics and are sincere. This means you have to actually like the girl, not just want to bang her. Women, even stupid ones, gain at least 30 IQ points on this day and they all put new batteries in their bullshit detectors this past weekend. Try to remember, football season ends....new batteries. Superbowl after party = New batteries. Write it down somewhere; because I know you guys, your memory is for shit when it comes to important "Don't piss women off" stuff.

2) Get flowers. ANY FLOWERS. Roses are two to three times as expensive as they were a week ago and they're probably sold out at most florists so your cheap ass needs to score them elsewhere. Now, because you're a dumbass (Dude, they've been pushin V-day for a month. All the red balloons and stuff. I feel for you, I've been there, but I've learned from my mistakes.) and spaced this holiday out, you've missed your chance to gain bonus points by sending flowers to her at work. Women, even ones that don't like flowers, love...and I mean LOVE, all the attention flowers bring. You know that feeling you get when you show off your new putter or get a great deal on a gas grill that's twice as big as your neighboUrs? THAT is what it's like for women who get flowers. (Write this one down for next year too.) It's too late for that now. Go to Sam's Club or Costco. They usually stock up on a crapload of flowers, even roses, and they dont seem to charge as much as a florist. I'm not just telling you about prices because I know you're cheap and/or broke, but because if you DO happen to have some extra dough, get as many flowers as you can get. If for some reason they're out or all that is left are wilted, ucky ones with a huge sunflower in the middle, OR you dont live anywhere near a Sam's Club or Costco, get your ass to the grocery store! Get whatever they have. ANY flowers. You're doing damage control at this point ok? Any flowers are better than NO flowers.

3) If you've got around a $100 to spend, forget the flowers all together and get your ass directly to a jewelry store! Tell the pretty girl there how much money you have to spend. She'll know that you're trying to save your life, she'll have already dealt with at least 3 other "Dead men walking" this afternoon. She's there to help you. Go with a bracelet or a necklace. I say this because I know that if you forgot it was Valentines day, you probably aren't %100 sure if her ears are pierced. If you show up with earrings and they AREN'T pierced, you've blown it. IMPORTANT: Do NOT get a ring. Not just because it sends the "I want to get married" kind of vibes, but if you get it too big it's "You think I'm fat!!!" and if you get too small it's "OMG...I'm a big fat pig!! How can you want to be naked with a fatso?!!" , either one means you get no lovin. No rings. Just like with the flowers, ANY jewelry is better than NO jewelry. Don't decide that because you don't have a lot of money, to NOT buy any. Women don't just wear diamonds buddy. They buy themselves any pretty, shiny thing they like. Just as much, or more "costume" (fake you dork) jewelry is purchased by girl as the real deal. Shiny/sparkly + Pretty = happy, smiley girl. It doesn't have to be big or real. If you're broke, you can go to one of those smaller "fake" jewelry stores that are jam packed with teenage girls. Again, ask the nice girl there to help you, dont just grab any damn shiny thing. If you're not spendin g a lot of money, you still want it to be as shiny/sparkly as possible, not the crap where all the silver paint rubs of in a week or the cheap metal turns her green. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about then that is EXACTLY why I'm telling you to ask for help.

4) If you can, get flowers AND jewelry. Even if it's the $10 mixed small bouquet (a bunch of flowers in a clear plastic funnel lookin thingy) and some $30 pendant (a small shiny thing on a necklace) you're good.

All of this is because on this day, the thought really DOES count. If you forgot it was Valentines Day they think that means you forgot about THEM. Nothing on Valentines Day means you dont care about them at all. Use your brain. Today is not the day to just tell them they're pretty, you gotta show them you care. Yes, I know it's a made up, commercial thing created to sell cards, flowers and candy, but I've never heard a story about a guy getting laid using that arguement. Never. Ever. Go get her something. Now.

If you completely phuctup and you're reading this on Thursday....

DON'T PANIC!!!

You've blown your chance to get lovin NOW, but you can still save your ass enough to maybe get some on the weekend or at least next week.

You'll have to do everything I just told you about, but now you've got to go BIGGER. A lot of flowers OR nicer, REAL jewelry. Dont do BOTH, because then you'll just piss her off. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either, but somehow it falls in the "no imagination" category. Trust me, if you go TOO big, you'll just piss her off. One or the other. Really nice flowers OR nice jewelry. At this point you'll also need to do something personal. You're going to have to.......think. Yes, I know! Deep breath..... It's going to be ok. You can do this. Does she have a favorite place to eat? A favorite chick-flick? What's favoUrite coloUr? You're going to need to go, do, buy something that relates to her. Something that is personal in some way. I can't help you there, I dont know her, you're going to need to think of something.

If you've messed up really bad, gotten in a fight or gotten the cold shoulder, you're going to need to use the entire weekend to spoil her. The weekend is when you go over the top. At this point, you won't piss her off by going big. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either, I'm just telling you what I've learned from my own and some of the bonehead mistakes our fellow men have made. You can save yourself by pampering her this weekend. She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't drive.....you take care of everything got me? It's gonna be tough, but you can save your neck or much lower.

IMPORTANT: None of this will work, NONE of it, if you're not really meaning any of it. Be honest. Be sincere. Even if you're bad with words, tell her she's pretty if you think she's pretty. Tell her she's nice 'n stuff. Tell her you like how she smells. Yes, even if you just say "You smell good", if you MEAN IT, you're good.


Now ladies, guys like stuff to ya know. Think food. We like food. There was a short lived TV show years ago where a couple had a fight and the woman gave her husband two six-packs of his favoUrite beer, or as he called them when she handed them to him "Oooo...Guy flowers!". A dozen "Guy Flowers" would be nice. After that, just take your shirt off and press up against us, we'll take it from there.

Have fun.
Be honest.
Be nice to each other.

G'nite.

1

Today is the most alone I have ever felt and it has nothing to do with the holiday.


I'm not so much bummed, just...alone.

I mean, I got up.
Alone.
Drove to work.
Alone.
Got here and my coworkers out so...
Alone.
My boss comes in for a minute to tell me he's splitting.
Alone.

If my buddy Reggie hadn't talked to me a bit I think I might have lost my mind. OK, lost MORE of it.

Now I'm gonna go home.
Alone.
Eat lunch.
Alone.
Take a nap.
Alone.
Get up and eat.
Alone.
Read or watch TV.
Alone.
Then go to bed.
Alone.

It's not so much a feeling of sadness because I don't have a girl to hug n' kiss on, it's just I usually see, talk to, get emails from, have some kind of contact with a ton of people, but lately it's been dwindling, and today......

I can't believe that there are people who do this everyday. There's this little old man who works in my building during the night shift. His shift ends a little after mine starts. He never talks to you even if you try. It's like he doesn't even see you. You know how some homeless people shuffle around with that far away/blank stare. Like all the years of people ignoring them has made even them wonder if they truly exist or if maybe they really ARE invisible. My day's been kind of like that. People wakling BY or THROUGH my office, but not even noticing that I'm here. It's an odd feeling. Even people who normally might at least do BS small talk have just gone by. Maybe it's the day. Maybe it has everybody messed up.

All the lonely people....
Where DO they all belong?

Happy St. Valentine's Day

Or, as a lot of my fellow Denver public school goers say "Happy ValenTIMES day.".

Sensitive Jerk

If you are a halfway decent looking woman between the ages of 25 & 40 and you can play the 1st violin part of The Sea and Sinbad's Ship (Largo e maestoso — Allegro non troppo) from Scheherazade by Rimsky-Korsakov, if you can play any of it for me, I will make love to you as if you are the only woman in the world, the most beautiful gift ever bestowed upon mankind, the very definition of lust, passion, romance, the very thing that men throughout history wrote about, sang about, longed for, died for, lived for, cried for, strived for, the one shining light in a universe of darkness.....I will hold you, touch you, kiss you.....not with just my hands and lips, but with my soul, it will be as if every fiber of my being embraced you, warmed you, eased you.......yes, I would make love to you as if you were HER, the abstract, almost mythological HER, the be all end all of my hearts existence...for one shining moment you will be the only thing in the universe and you will exist in rapture. I will give all of me....all of me...to you......for this.

Or

I'll say "Wow, that was awesome! You're really good! PLAY IT AGAIN!!".

Take your pick.

Ape Host

Eye m 'ol waze ay maiz duh bye dehuman mine. Eden ever seizes two empress emmy. Defact at gnome adder ow mudge U-Mass stuvup, ore ewe's tha whirr ong woorts, weak ans till fig your sings out. Id man ages too fine pad urns. Weekend dew zing sand salve probe lambs dat seam em pause a bull win oui furs sea dem. Is drew. Hugest half tue bee leave. Sum dimes high four git hand ai git town, ai Juan chew gif hop. Widges to ped. Wee shoe dent; hume, E.....know 1, shoo quid bea leaving endems elves. Doughnut due thad. F yuwan somp ting, g'ho 4 et. Hid maze zee M boss he bell add furst, bud wiv tyme band pay shents, haul iz paws hibble.

Whore.....me be knot.

Hi juice cave hup awn zum fing guy shoo tent av. 'Finkin tat I mite tav en udders hot tho. Ima dry knot chew miss hit tup.

Wheel C...

Buy.

The post about Something

On the old blog I wrote a post about nothing. I guess you could say that the whole 2yrs and even this blog is a lot of nothing, but I wrote about Nothing.

It has always fascinated me how for every atom there is spinning around inside you, there is an immence atomic "gap" of empty space between them. For instance, if you took a hydrogen atom, which has one proton (the center thingy) and one electron (the outer spinning thingy) and made them....I don't know the size of a tennis ball and a golf ball they wouldn't be right next to each other, the electron/golf ball would be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy off in the distance. It's like that with every teeny, tiny part of you. For every THING, there's even more empty space or NOTHING between things. Which means, that if there's so much empty space, more nothing of you and more nothing of say , the wall, that you SHOULD be able to walk through it. However, it obviously doesn't work that way. Mainly because everything is moving around so fast that it gives the "illusion" of being solid. All your spinning bumps into all the walls spinning. It just amazes me how on a HUGE universal level there is more empty space between galaxies, more empty space between star systems, more empty space between planets, more empty space between objects, molecules, atoms, quarks.........all the way down to whatever the even smaller stuff is....there's more NOTHING than SOMETHING. Cool huh?

Well, now I'm thinking more about the SOMETHING than the NOTHING. Not so much what is it that holds everything together or what keeps it apart. Not even what makes everything be able to tell say, the chair you're sitting on's molecules from yours so that when you sit you don't leave part of you or get up now being part chair in some weird version of The Fly. Both of those are interesting and mind boggling, but I guess I'm leaning more towards what makes you, you and me, me. If you and I are made of the same "stuff" what is it that makes us different? I'm not talking Nature vs. Nurture stuff, I mean what makes you....YOU?

Now, staying away from the religious aspects of a "soul" and all that, let's simply look at what we DO know. You have a brain. You have brain cells. You have some electrical activity going on that fires off and on, moving all that junk around right? Well, I do too. No, really. I know you can't tell from this blog, but I do. No, really. Seriously.....dude....I do.

shuddup.

I do. SO if we have the same "equipment" why are you different than I am? Let's say we're twins/clones, say we are raised EXACTLY the same. SAY IT!!

Sorry.

I mean, right down to having the same name (You know, like we're George Foremans kids). We're clothed the same, fed the same things, taught the same things........we're still not the same people. We'd still somehow have a difference. I'm not %100 on that, but from everything I've read, and I believe everything I read ya know (Superman is REAL!! He is too!!), it seems like there WOULD be some difference. As if there is some rule that applies so that no matter how alike things are, they HAVE to be different, even if it's only in a small way, so that those two (or more) things can tell each other apart.

OR.....maybe not.

It's odd and fascinating. The same, yet different and WHY? Interesting. To me anyway.

OK, so, I'm ME and you are YOU right? Right. Well what happens to us when we die? Again, let us not get into the whole GOD/Heaven/Valhalla/Jessica Alba's underwear drawer thing.

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

*ahem*

Well Science, and we all know that Scientist never lie to us and are always right; never guessing about shit in the slightest, SCIENCE (dun dun duunnnnn) shows us that energy cannot be created or destroyed it can only change form. So, if Momma and Daddy kiss each other thereby triggering some magical, Butterfly effect/Dominoes falling thing that somehow involves a stork, a cabbage patch and sometimes a section roped off for Caesars to sit in at the hospital.....*POP* there's a baby...if the initial energy came from the parents providing the "spark" and then your mysterious electrical charge keeps your ticker going.....well what happens to your energy when you die?

Was it all turned into kinetic energy in as much as your heart thumped one last time and your lungs siiiiiiighed........one last time? The last of your energy, which technically was never more OR less than what you started with, is simply "Changed" into a slight breeze? Like we're not really dust in the wind we ARE the wind? We're all just part of some galactic fart? HM.... No that can't be it.

All of this even gets me thinking about the whole Cellular Memory thing (Not your phone dumbass.). For those not familiar with the term, it has to do with people who get a heart transplant or some other organ and then seemingly take on characteristics of the donor even though by law they aren't allowed to know anything about that person. It'd be like you getting my heart and suddenly you're much better in bed than you used to be, arguing with anyone that doesn't just KNOW that Hockey is the greatest sport known to man and having the overpowering urge to own every football and hockey jersey you see (Oh, and funnyyyyy. Gah-DAM you'd be a funny sumbich all of a sudden!). In the few cases where it's been documented it does seem.....spooky, for lack of a better term. Most people scoff (whatever scoffing is. I'm guessing it involves brooms like Curling) at the idea, but think about it. If every cell in your body contains the entire DNA/Blueprint of you, and supposedly (or supposably as an old coworker of mine would say) all of your cells are replaced/updated every 7yrs, couldn't it be possible that by getting an organ from someone you get THEM? (Cue the dun dun duuuunnn again and maybe throw in a bloodcurdling scream!!!)

The whole Cellular Memory thing (NOT your phone dumbass!! Stick with the tour!!) gets me thinking about how it applies to brain cells. If every cell contains all your "stuff", then it also contains parts of everyone who came before you (Heh....I said "came". Get it? "came before you"...Heh....heh). YOU really are a mish-mash of your fathers and mothers. There is some part of you that IS/WAS part of some great-great-great.......infinity guy who walked around here WAY before you showed up buddy, so then if that is the case........

Is THAT what the whole Deja-Vu thing is? I mean, some part of you HAS been here before. (Should we cue the Dun-dun again? Meh, g'head if you wanna.)

Is THAT what some of our weird dreams are or "past-life" crap some people talk about is? Not so much "dreams" but memories? All alone in the moonlight? We ARE an amalgam (I looked up another word for "Mish-mash" in my Thesaurus!) of everyone of our ancestors on a genetic level, cellular (NOT your pho.....geebus are you paying attention at ALL?! Criminy!) level and your braincells ARE cells containing all that info...then isn't it POSSIBLE that you can "remember" something your great-great-great-great-great-great......how many is that....one..two....great-GREAT Grand-pappy did?

Although, if it IS possible, you'd only have as much info from them in your mental library (or LIE-bary as too many friggin people say. Ugh...) as they had acquired up to the moment of the magical *POP*/stork/Caesar salad thing I mentioned before. You only have their memories from their birth up to their....20's?

Well, you know how weird stuff pops into your head, how you know some stuff and you don't know HOW you know it? Maybe that's how.

At the same time/by the same token/and anudder thing maybe that's why you sometimes feel like you're missing something. Because in a way....you are. You have a few thousand partial files. Maybe someone in your past was working on something, looking for something, fixing something.......and you got everything BUT the completed....whatever it was, floating around in your noggin?

Whatever the case may be, I can tell you this, whoever all of my previous peeps were.....

They thought way too much about stupid shit.



I guess this WAS just another post about nothing after all.

(shrug)

Thank you and goodnight.

SO having a blog makes me less of a Caveman?

I rented the movie Idoicracy last night. It wasn't very funny. It was actually quite scary. That is EXACTLY where I see the United States headed. Don't get me wrong, I laughed at a couple parts. It's just that the satire is PEFECTLY executed to the point of possibly causing nightmares. You'll WANT to laugh. You'll get the joke. You just won't be laughing. It's not funny. It's a possible future, and it's not a good one. Only watch this flick if you're into satire. If you're looking for a pseudo-sequel to Office Space or something along the lines of Super Troopers/Beerfest/Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle this is NOT the movie for you. If you got the subtext of Soylent Green, A Clockwork Orange and Catch-22 or even if you just know what the words "Satire" and "Subtext" mean, you might want to check it out.

A dream

We (10 people?) were stuck in some huge house or parking garage. We found a door and I somehow picked the lock to get us out. We blended into a crowd that was watching a parade. At some point we joined the parade, but were flaoting above it. She was right behind me, her arms around me, hands crossed over my heart. Everyone started singing "Oh Canada", but changing the lyrics so that they were funny. The Americans goofing on the Canadians, while the Canucks stated how awesome they were in comparison to the States. It was all good natured and we all laughed like crazy. I never saw her. She always held me tight from behind. I put my hands on hers, lifted one to my lips, fascinated by how soft her hands were, brushing her fingertips with my lips, closing my eyes and leaning back against her....she squeezed me tighter, I kissed her hand and we both crossed our hands over my heart.....floating over everyone.

We landed in front of some place that dealt in antiques. I said "This is where I die." to the others. "I've been here several times before, in other dreams and this is where I get shot. I've died here before.". We go inside and I'm carrying a box that contains a crown or tiara. I'm about to ask the owner of the shop about it when I see the man that has killed me before. He wants the box. That's why he's killed me in the other dreams. Instead of going through the dream like I feel I have before, I go right to him and ask him about the tiara(?). "Do you know anything about this?". He acts surprised, as if he has no idea what I'm talking about. "I found this box and it's filled with clues, but I can't seem to find the final gemstone. I can't figure out where it is or why I need it to fill this empty setting in the crown(?).". He takes the box and opens it for all to see and then we all, my killer, the shop owner and I start going through all these little scraps of paper that are also in the box. We're trying to figure out what they all mean. She puts her arms around me again and I know it's because this time I didn't die. I changed things somehow. It feels so good to have her arms around me, her hands over my heart, OUR hands over my heart.......

I woke up.

New Blog, same old posts.

Those of you that read the old blog may remember Jerk's favorite NFL cheerleader Renee Herlocker. Well, Renee is on the cover and in this months issue of 5280 Denver's own "Look how cool we are and nobody knows or cares" magazine. She's listed as one of Denver's 20 sexiest singles.

In case you were wondering Jerk is #623.

OK....maybe it's more like 62,300, but still...

I have a question for the people at 5280 mag. If Denver is the greatest city to be single in, why do I hear all the single people bitching about how this city SUCKS to be single in?
Seriously, how can we be the best single city when Renee Herlocker is single? How the hell does that make sense? What kind of city ALLOWS somehting like that to happen? That girl should NOT be single. Especially not in a city that everybody thinks should be called Men-ver insteada Denver.

Yes, I did see Renee one time when I went out.

No, I didn't talk to her.

She's not "The Girl".

Sigh.......

the girl

:(

Jerke am Olde

Does it bug anyone else that Wendy's is using "Blister in the Sun" by The Violent Femmes to sell their new fish sammich?

80's Prince tunes used to sell non-dairy creamer must be next.

Any day now I'll be in an elevator and notice that I've been humming along to Cinderella's "Shake Me" Muzak style or maybe The Smith's "How soon is now" will be xylophoned out in the doctor's office waiting room.

:(

"Looks like Edie Sedgwick fell asleep again"*

Factory Girl


I have to admit that I will go see "Factory Girl". Yes, I think Sienna Miller is shag worthy, but that's not why I'll go see it.
I have a strange attraction to Warhol related things. Not so much his art, and definitely not the man himself, but I've always found it kind of interesting to peep into his world. The man was an emotional vacuum. I don't mean that he didn't have any feelings or emotions, I mean he had a tendency to suck all the energy out of those around him. He'd chew you up,use you all up,spit you out and leave you a broken, fucked up individual trying to cope with the "normal" world where you AREN'T the center of the universe. Warhol just seemed to randomly pick his "Muse" or next project and he'd build it up to "superstar" (he's credited with "creating" the term. Lucky us.) proportions in his little art fag artsy fartsy world and when he grew bored or something else struck him, (like painting the same thing 4 times but switching the colors up like he accidentally kicked his paint-by-numbers set across the floor when he went to clean his brushes) he simply throw who or whatever away.

It always seemed to me like he knew just who to, for lack of a better word, control. He had a great ability to sense who needed attention, who craved love. Warhol was a "needy" detector. He probably came up with the term "Attention whore" too, or at least should have. That was his whole world, non-stop, 24-7...attention whoreville. I don't really want to go on and on about Warhol, even though I could (he was a fucking leech). This is about Edie, poor, poor Edie. She was a sad little girl who just wanted to be loved (don't we all?) and unfortunately fell in love with a man who could/would give you everything BUT love. Money, fame, drugs, attention, sex..you name it, Edie had it or could easily get it simply because she was Warhol's girl. She, like the current young Hollywood, had everything our society THINKS you need to be happy. If you're curious, go see this movie about our poor Edie or maybe just poke around Wikipedia or Google. Normally I don't go see movies or watch TV shows that I know will make me sad, but I'll go for Edie.

Poor, sweet Edie.

*MST3K joke

Tick....tick.....tick...

Another day must have gone by, right?
Another cycle from day into night.

An hour flies by, or so I thought,
but not when I look at the clock.
It's just been minutes,
seconds really,
that have gone by,
you can see it clearly
when I check my watch.
It must be broken.
"You piece of SHIT!"
I have spoken.

It seems as if a months gone by,
weeks and weeks..
deep breath then sigh...
a seeming ETERNITY'S gone by,
but I check the calendar...
'know what it says?

It's only been five days.

Five

Days

Does this count?

I don't really have anything to post about.

(Was it good for you?)

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for....

I just wrote a long post again. Venting. I'll cut it shorter for ya.

I'm done.

No more.

If you read this blog for my "inpirational" shit, and that's what it is. Don't bother coming back.
If you've been reading my shit for the last few years, the old blog and this one and you've been rooting for Jerk to get "The Girl" and ride off into the sunset or whatever bullshit, fantastical crap you think rolls around in my empty head...

Move the fuck on.

I'm tired of doing this to her, and tired of doing this to myself.
I'm tired of every little thing making her think it's all HER fault and try to take all the pain. It can't be the situation. It can't be ME. NO, not to her, she HAS to be the bad guy.

This THING between us, for whatever reason, it doesn't seem to let us go. We've tried before. We tried when we had a real reason, she was afraid she'd never leave and truly looked like she never would. We've tried to end this before, not because we wanted to, but because as good as this...whatever it is...IS, it's frustrating, maddening.

I'm ending it. Apparently, I am not strong enough, not built for this. I'm fucking lousy at it. I'm tired of hurting her or making her feel like she's hurting me. It's not what I want, but in the grand scheme of things who cares what I WANT right? She has everything she needs there. I do not add anything good anymore. I just add stress and bullshit. No more.

I'm done.
I'm letting this go.
Which is odd, because when you think about it, I never had it to begin with.

That means I won't miss it right?

Shwoozy

Can I just say that muscle relaxers rock.
I "tweak-ed" my back a bit the other day. I dug through a box of old stuff where I thought I had meds from the last time I truly f'ed my back up and GOLD!

Did you know they're still pretty good two years later? Pay no attention to the expiration date. LIES! ALL LIES!!

They make me horny though.

Have I told you guys how awesomely HOT "The Girl" is?
Mm.
She has this curly hair....and it's friggin DROOL worthy..liscious...ness.
Sapphire eyes....

and her ass...

good
lord

I wanna grab her, and hold her tight against me.
and kiss the fucking breath out of her so that she becomes weak in my arms and possibly does that tippytoe/one leg goes up thing like you'd see in old movies.
Head tilted back...
Arms around my neck...
Grab her and..

Kiss
Her
Wet

Did I mention that muscle relaxers rock and they make me horny?

er.

:)

Resistance is futile.

Pure Evil.

"Catch" the numbers.

Happy Groundhog Day!!

"Ned?!? I've missed you SO much.".

Happy Groundhog Day!!

"Ned?!? I've missed you SO much.".

I can feel it floating away. Inch by inch, day by day.

When I was 10yrs old or so my mom bought me this weird hotair balloon looking thing at a local fair or event...I can't recall where.
For the most part it would just kind of hover/hang in the air, but if you waved your hand above it, it would go up and if you waved your had below, it would go down. I got pretty good at messing with it. I could get it to slooooowly drift up or down....or rocket up to the ceiling and then crash to the floor.
I'd try to see how close I could get it to the ceiling wihtout touching....you know, stop it and make it hover an inch or so from the ceiling by quickly jumping up on my bed and waving my hand furiously below the little plastic basket hoping I would do it in time before it bumped the light fixture.
It was great fun to me. Up and down, mastering the EXACT amount of waving....feeling like I somehow was in complete control of physics even though I didn't understand all the science involved. It was fun.

The next day I decided I'd take it outside for a little while. There I was on the front "patio" of our apartment building. Waving above...below.....letting the slight breeze move it around...letting it hover JUST above the cement or grass. Once I let it drift up pretty high, but I jump/climbed the fence and got it to drift back down.

I waved above it one time and went to get it to hover beside me, about the same height as me......

...it kept going up.

I waved below it....

...it kept going up.

The breeze took it over by the fence again and I waved like crazy below it....
It kept going up.
I jump up the fence and waved like MAD still...
Up and over the fence it went. I gave it one last lunge/wave, almost falling over the fence, and as if to tease, the wind stopped and my finger tips aaaaaalmost caught the tiny ribbon there had been hanging from the miniature basket of my hotair balloon....

I watched it go up. Slowly, ever so slowly......
Up, and across the street.
It almost got caught in the neighbors tree.
Up it went......slowly....slowy drifting up and away from me.....

I can remember there being this odd ache in my chest, a slight panic.

I'd had this great thing, and I let it slip away. If I'd just left it alone, left it inside.....instead, there it was, floating away and there was nothing I could do about it.

I can still picture it as if it were yesterday. Me jumping up that fence, lunging at it, waving my left hand below it, then switching my grip on the fence so I could stretch further and wave faster with my right.....I aaaaaloooomst had it......

and then it was gone, and all I could do was watch it drift away, slowly drift away.......


To this day I'll compare sadness or heartache to being a little kid and watching your balloon float away. You're helpless. You're sad. You had this wonderful thing, hell it's like magic to you when you're a kid......one minute you had this magical thing and the next all you can do is watch it drift away......

and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Or is there?

After all, you're not a child anymore.

Get a ladder?
Blowgun?
Go get another balloon?
Stop waving at it and just GRAB it?

You're not a child anymore.
You're not helpless anymore.
You don't HAVE to stand there like an idiot watching it drift away, hoping that some miracle will occur and bring it back to you.
Do you know what you want?
Can you see it?
Is it scary?
Does it seem impossible?
Not sure if it's worth it?
Not sure if YOU'RE worth it?

You're not a child anymore.
You are NOT a child anymore.
You aren't helpless.
You CAN get it.
Yes, maybe in the past things went wrong.
You made poor choices.
You took wrong turns.
You failed.

You waved at it, because that's how you thought it worked. When in reality, all you had to do was grab it.
All you had to do was GRAB IT.

You're not a child anymore.

Don't just stand there and watch it float away.

You're not a child anymore.

Just go for it, and if for some reason it still DOES slip through your fingers....

There's a whole world full of balloons.

:)