Dark....humor?

Do you have any idea how odd it is to feel bad/sad when people tell you how much they like you?
Do you know what it's like to avoid people, to hope that they don't talk you, to NOT want people to get to know you because you don't want them to miss you?

Do you think it would be funny, sad, ironic or just plain "Hm....weird" if one killed themselves on their birthday?

I shant, just wondering. I was thinking ironic in a "it's posta be our BIRTH-day not checkout date" kinda way. I think that only a person with OCD would off themselves on their b-day, but who knows. I'm sure some smartass thought of it before me and actually did it.

Asshole.

You know what's odd about my recent depression?
This new apathy.
IT's new to me anyhoo.
I don't care.
I mean, even if/whem I do have thoughts of suicide, it's quickly snuffed with a "Meh...what's the point". (I typed pint there first. Fruedian slip?)
That's it! A great slogan! "Don't kill yerself, have a pint!" Guiness can have that one for free. I'm sure M.A.D.D. won't approve, but Friends Against Dead Friends won't mind. Man, is it just me or does that sound like a necrophilia club? (shudder)

Hm...

Lately my moods seems to be:

1) Sad
2) Angry
3) Apathetic

Yes, I am an apathetic person (A pathetic person?) most of the time.

I don't care.

I was trying to explain it to someone. It's not an angry "Fuck this! I don't give a shit anymore!! Grrrrr!" thing. It's a.......blankness. That's the best way I can put it. Blank. Does anyone remember the game show Match Game? That's me.

Jerk is ______.

The other day I had a lovely talk/fight with my soon to be ex-wife. She asked me if I EVER loved her. I didn't know how to answer. It's one of those "Does this make me look fat?" questions. In a way I guess my depression is good. I'm finally going through with the divorce. The main reason? Because if I get weak, choose the cowardly thing, she won't have to handle all the funeral/money crap. There's a cheery thought. Just sayin, it's floating around in there.

You know what else I did the other day? I told someone that I like that I sometimes wish I'd never met her. Isn't that a horrible thing to say to someone? Maybe not an enemy or someone you hate.

You know, I seem to type "you know" a lot.

You know, I've been thinking that one of the reasons I still blog is that you guys won't miss me if I'm gone. I mean, you don't really know me. If I no longer posted, you'd never know what happened to me. Now, waaaay back with the old blog, I was funny, prolific....geezus, can you imagine that I used to post someties up to 8 times in a day?! No shit. I always had something to say about something. Hell, I even had stuff to say about nothing. Im just writing this shit because I'm sitting in a big empty warehouse by myself and figured it'd be SOEMTHING to do even though my weird blankness had me sitting here staring at a stack of boxes for.....dunno....half an hour? Yeah, the balnkness makes me just zone out. Last week, Wednesday I guess, I came home from work and just sat down. That's it. NO TV, no computer, no music, I didn't eat the lunch I bought, didn't pick up a guitar....I just sat there. I get home around 12:40-ish (I work 4am till noon) and I didn't snap until somebody knocked on the door trying to sell shit a little after 3pm. Didn't care. Got up, threw my cold whatever it was in the trash (wasn't hungry) and then...I don't knwo what I did. All my days are one big blurry....thing.

Ah, the sadness has kicked in. It happens when I think about how I am lately. I get sad because I can remember being this other guy......a long time ago....I was not like this. It seems like a long time ago anyway.

Just last night I was talking to a friend on the phone and she was telling me that she wished she could just shake me. "Snap out of it!!" SHe kept telling me "This isn't you. You're the upbeat guy. The guy who always see's the upside. You get bummed but you always shake it off. You're the guy who lifts other people up, shows them that there is love, beauty, joy.....this isn't you."

All I could say was "I know.".

I know.

Don't you think I dont know? IF could stop this, don't you think I WOULD? Why do you think I go to therapy? Yes, I do. I know it probably doesn't read like I do, but you have no idea and I'm sure you dont want to know how bad I was a month or so ago.

I didn't want to wake up.
Ever.

Now....I dont care. I guess (shrug) that's an improvement of some kind. No?

The thing that I dont get is, I dont' even know WHY I am this way now. Maybe my spirit finally got broken. I dunno. All I know is that Im not the cheerleader anymore. If someone came to me depressed and asked me to give them a reason, anything.....to hold onto, a reason to go on......

I don't have anything.

I dont' care.

I don't CARE.

Im not sure I can get it across the right way.

Apathy.

Indifference.

I wouldn't tell them to go ahead and do it. Fuck no. I would just tell them "I don't know. Don't ask me. I've got nuthin. Go ask someone else. Find your own reason. Sorry. I know how you feel. I know you don't beleive me. I know it doesn't help or matter to know that I do. Good luck."

I truly beleived that there was love, happiness, better thigns out there than some of us were experiecing.

I dont beleive that anymore.

I lost it.

Whatever that IS...hope?

I dont have that anymore.

I hope less.

Hopeless.

I dont like it. Im working on getting it back. I WANT it back. I NEED it back. It's gone and I can't find it. YOU can't help me. No one can really help me. YOu've got to find your own thing I guess.

Only...sometimes the blankness man....

I don't care.

I don't CARE anymore.

I know of no other way to put it.