Jerk: The Wonder Years

A long, long time ago on the whole other side of town.......

A 6yr old Jerk was trying to kiss a girl and/or get her to kiss him back. Yes, Jerk always, ALWAYS liked girls.

Inner Lil Jerk (ILJ): They are pretty.

Yes, yes they are buddy, let me finish the story k?

ILJ: And they smell pretty too!

That they do, that they do. Can you stop jumping up and down like that for a minute while I tell these nice people something? K? Good. Yeah, just go sit...yes, you can watch TV. NO! No, you can't watch "Hairpull 4:Ponytail Girls" that's...um...yes, they are pretty, but um....it's not for little boys...*cough*..grownups only. Just....here, watch this Godzilla movie. Good. YES, you can have a corndog! Geezus! How mom kept from killing us I have no idea. STOP JUMPING!!

OK...sorry, where was I? Ah yes...

Young Jerk couldn't get the cute girl to kiss him during last recess. SO, saddened and slightly frustrated (She kissed another boy. Slut.), he went back into the classroom, picked up his stuff, put it away in his cubby (like you're posta do at the end of the day), grabbed his coat and walked out the door, across the playground and down the street to go home. Enough of this crappy can't get no sugar day!
Lil Jerk walked a couple blocks over to Monaco & Leetsdale (One of the most dangerous intersections in town), waited for the light just like momma taught him, crossed the street (looking both ways the whole time just like momma taught him) and walked a couple more blocks to the apartment complex he lived in JUST in time to meet momma as she was getting into the car to go pick Lil Jerk up. "Hi Momma! I walk-ed home so you don't havta to go get me!" (BIG SMILE)

Momma was not happy.

Momma wasn't mad at Lil Jerk, she was mad at the school. She was mad because when she called them they didn't even know that Lil Jerk was gone. Momma was not happy.

This is a very telling story.
Jerk cannot remember any other day of first grade. Not one. He can remember the non-kissing day, but nuthin else.


Jerk wants a girl to kiss him. He wants her to kiss him SO bad, but she won't. She wants to. She really wants to. He knows it, she knows it and I think you guys would know it too. She won't kiss him though and the more he asks her to, the more she runs away from him. Other girls on the playground walk up and punch him in the arm (really hard too!), but Jerk wants to kiss this one girl. Yeah, they're pretty and kissing them would prolly be nice, but Jerk wants to kiss this other girl.

Jerk isn't getting his coat and going home this time. Instead he's back in the classroom drawing with crayons, trying to use those shitty ass scissors and trying to keep Billy Whatisface from eating all his paste.
Every once in awhile that pretty girl will come by and ask him what he's drawing...
"Pitchers of you"
"Oh"
"Do you want 'em?"
(reaches out hand but stops herself)"Y..no. No, I don't wannem... You really think I'm dat preddy?"
"Yep" (Scribble...scribble..scribble)
"OK....I'ma be outside on the swings."
"K" (Scribble...scribble..scribble..)
"See ya"
"K" (smile)

No more chasing.
No more walking away.

Think I'll just sit at the top of the slide and stare at her every once in awhile and wait for her to wave and make me smile and tingle all over. Oh joyous bliss! Oh magical, heartswelling rush of warmth! The giddy, dizzying, hide your face so no one can see how happy/shy you are wave of head ducking, shoulder raising........love?

Sigh......

God help me.

Meanwhile....

There's that other girl who punches me. HARD.
She likes to hang upsidedown from the Jungle-gym and tell me that she'll let me pull her pigtails.

I'm damn tempted....

God help me.