Dulcinea

When I was 10 I had a very vivid dream. I was riding in the back of a car; a cab or maybe a limo, I couldn't tell. I was an adult in the dream. I was staring out the window watching everything blur by. I said something and there was this musical laugh from beside me. I turned and I saw her. She was beautiful. I couldn't see her clearly (damn blurry faced dream people), I just knew she was beautiful. She took my hand and said "I love you" in a very sweet "You're a goofball and I like it" manner. I said " I love you too" and I smiled as if I never wanted to stop smiling. I leaned in to kiss her just as we went into a tunnel, it all went black and I woke up. I remeber feeling all warm and happy. Very happy. I awoke feeling that I had just seen the future. Fact. That WAS a glimpse into my future.
It was summer and I was going to a "day camp" (They picked you up in the morning, took you swimming, bowling, to the movies, the park...generally kept you out of trouble and your parents hair all day and dumped you back home in the afternoon.) and I told al my buddies about this dream. They laughed of course "Eww....you wanna to kiss giiiirls..you wanna kiss giiiiirls!" stuff. I was mad. This was serious. They had no idea how REAL this dream seemed. It was as if I'd seen that our camp van was going to explode or predicting an earthquake. I let them goof on me the whole day. It wasn't bad, after all, I DID wanna kiss girls. Losers.
Ever since that day, and I know this sounds stupid/crazy, but that's me, ever since that day I've been looking for, waiting for, aching for...HER. She has no name. I've never given her a name. She was HER. In my teens I wrote her poetry. I wrote short stories about her, for her... Still do. I've laid in bed at night over the years wondering where she was. At the end of every failed relationship I'd think about HER. It wasn't you AGAIN. I knew that though. I've gone from girl to girl with only a "Like" feeling. I "like" lots of people. "She's pretty, she's nice...I"ll date her." It was kind of a "thsi'll do until someone better comes along". Not that I was hoping for better mind you.....it's hard to explain. Maybe you understand.

Around 14 I read Don Quixote. It was an edited, dumbed down version for schools, but you got the gist(sp?). I felt then, and stil feel, that I am Don Quixote. I'm a hopeless romantic who lives in a fantasy world. I've been searching for my Dulcinea, and like Quixote, I am finding that she doesn't exist. She's a figment of my imagination. There is only "like". There is lust. There is a friendly, nice companionship, but there is no LOVE. No true love. I've tried to fool myself over the years, I've even somehow convinced others that it exists, but it doesn't. Well, there is love, but there is no "In love".

HER.

She is beautiful.
She is funny.
She is smart, so smart.
She is sweet.
She is caring.
She is understanding.

She gets me and not in that stupid "We both can quote Monty Python movies and love Gilligan's Island!!" shit most people think means another person is on the same level. She understands me. I dont have to explain things to her, and even if I DID, she wouldn't think I was tryimg to seem smarter than her ro make her feel stupid. That last one has been a HUGE problem in my life. I had one girlfriend get depressed and eventually break up with ME because she didn't feel she was smart enough/worthy of being my girlfriend.

ME.

She....the great HER, she IS all those thing. She is. Only.....she's all in my head. She doesn't exist. I've met women close. Close, but no cigar...which, should be a good thing because I dont smoke. (badum-pum)

I met a girl (we're all boys and girls, dont get on my ass for not saying woman) who I was almost positive was HER. If not, she was the closest I've ever met.

She's not her.

How do I know?

Because she doesn't want to be with me. I'd think that would be a telling sign don't you? If she were HER, I'd be HIM. Right?
Meh.

I get this weird feeling. I get in my "Where ARE you?" moods. I get this stupid " i miss you" ffeeling. Missing something I've never had. A very sad, empty feeling. If I'M here then somewhere.....somewhere she HAS to be. She HAS to be here doesn't she?

Apparently not.

27 years....and I haven'y found HER. I dated, broke up, dated broke up, dated, got married, split up.......they were all "close enough", great people, beautiful....just not HER.

I've had 4 different women (ok, I say women sometimes, sue me! :P) this week tell me "I can't believe you're single". One put it "You MUST be single by choice.".

I am.

It's because I didn't want to do the "close enough" thing again. I know it's al my fault. I have this stupid HER thing in my head. An idealized vision of my perfect "mate". I'm seeing that there is no woman who has all of the qualities I'm looking for. Well there is...that'll never happen though.

MY Dulcinea doesn't exist either. I, like Quixote, must come back to reality. There is no greater love, there are only windmills. Hopeless is the part to focus on in the term "hopeless romantic".

I'm tempted to just go back to my ex. She loves ME, that should be enough right? Once I purge this silly HER from my head any nice girl will do. Be happy that I have SOMEONE. I just need to purge HER from my head. There is no HER. There never was. Perhaps I need to dream that she died in a plane crash. I need to end my dreams of HER. I will never be happy as long as I believe that she's out there. She isn't.

She isn't.

Go back to the ex or find another "close enough". I'll never be truly happy as long as I have the illusion of HER floating around.

Do you know that from June until maybe September I was happy? I was so sure that she was out there and I'd find her, hell maybe already found her....

I am not happy anymore.

I am not happy anymore.

All women will be second best until I put my Dulcinea to rest.

It's so stupid.
I am insane.

I miss you.