Dane Cook?

...not very funny.

Not funny at all actually.

I'd heard the name. I'd seen his face, but was not familiar with his stuff. TONS, huge ginormously HUGE numbers of women seem to think he's HI-larious. I see that he has a movie coming out with my Jessica, so I figure "Hey, I'll check out this Dane fella. He's kinda shot up in the famous ranks lately. He's working his 3 picture deal. He's kissing Jessica Alba. He must be funny.".

Hm....

Yeah....not funny. His delivery is so that it IMPLIES funny. Man, can this guy sell a joke. Build up...build up....attitude.....kind of like he's trying really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, really for reals HARD to be George Carlin and he'll work the crowd, work it...pace...wander....more attitude...sly grin like he's gonna unload the funny on you any minute....and then..

and then....

punchline/eventual payoff type thingy. Which is something along the lines of "That's how chicks ARE, man!".

and then um....all the girls in the audience shriek like a bunch of chimps who just found the key to Bananaland or Bananastan (Bananabad?).

Back when I was bartending I had this theory. Drunkass white women between the ages of 19-32ish will laugh at anything. It's gotta be white women. Drunkass black girls, my lovely drunkass latina's, even the group of Japanese girls that were in town on vacation one night......they laugh at funny shit. In the case of the latina's if you're not funny they'll flat out tell you "Shut up fool. You aint funny. You're stupid (Stoo-pit)".

Drunkass white girls? Anything. Laugh their friggin pants wet over the dumbest shit. Get a group of 5 white, shitfaced girls together and you'll hear "Oh my god ohmygod you guys....Stacy just fell!" (Cue OBNOXIOULSY LOUD spittle producing laughter whilst 3 try to not fall off of their barstools and one squeeze's her knees together trying not to pee.) , and then Stacy will stumble over and almost knock everybody over "SHUT UP YOU GUYS!!! BLAHHHGUHHBLEEEEBUUHHH!BWah-HAHAHAHAHAH! GAH! IT'S NIT FUNNY!" (Cue the same shrieking laugh attack/chaotic spittle spree) "You said NIT funny! Bwah-hahahahahahaaaaaa!".

I just discribed every single bachelorette party that stumbled into the bar. The whiter the girls, meaning the more suburban, white bread, at least one of them's name ends in an "i" they are, the drunker, louder, EVERYTHING is HILARIOUS they get.

You ask me who finds Dane Cook funny, I give you these women.

Good for him. He seems like a like-able guy. He's probably cool to hang with. I'm sure his particular brand of humor, and I use the term loosely, scores him tons of women or, as the few, also white, suburban, obnoxious and I'm guessing the jockier the better, guys who find him funny would say, ass. He scores tons of ASS, dude. It's "tits", perhaps even "stellar" how much (Major?)ass Dane Cook gets, man.

I'll go see your movie. Sure. mainly because Jessica's in it, but I'll give you a chance. "Movie funny" and "Standup funny" are two different things. You're not very "Standup funny", but you just might rock at "Movie funny", unlike Seinfeld, who wasn't even "TV funny", but at least surrounded himself with people and writers who were. Jerry's still "Standup funny" though, and everybody knows that Carlin is a "Standup funny" GOD, but his "Movie funny" and "TV funny" is lacking. You could be "movie" or "TV" funny for all I know.

I however, am barely "Blog funny", which doesn't mean shit.

Get yours Dane Cook, cuz I'll never get any of that action!

To me, you're the man, Dane. Maybe not for the reasons you might want, or others think you are, but you're the man anyway.

Get yours Dane! You probably "hanging out at a mellow BBQ funny" bastard.
God luv ya.

...or help you, whichever you'd prefer.

P.S. I don't care that you may or may not have stolen Louis CK's material. It wasn't his best stuff anyway, he shouldn't care.

P.P.S. I was thinking on the way home, or tyring to at least, that there's probably somewhat of a Michael Bolton effect going on too. These women, his biggest fan base, think he's hot and want to bang him so thier subconscious mind tolerates a higher level of UN-funny, thatn say a Drew Carey coudl pull off. In order for Drew to get in some high maintenance girl from Philly's pants, that mofo's got to be FUNNY, whereas Dane can get by on attitude and the perception of funny. The implied funny. The ability to convince the girl "Hey, I'm funny". Just as Bolton sold lots of records (It's short for recording. They are still recordings therefore they can still be called records) to women by having a certain level of sex appeal and the ability to IMPLY that he was a good singer. Have you heard his stuff? That guy SELLS his songs. There's power. Not much else, but he can belt that phuc-r out. If you can convince people of something, whether it's true or not, that's all you need in this world.

Again. You go Dane! Rock it!

Also, I know I'm probably haivng a hard time explaining the TYPE of gal that likes Dane, nay LOVES, Dane. There's probably alot of tanning going on. Bleaching. A love of small dogs named "Crackers". Possibly a lot of lip gloss. She goes out drinking/dancing EVERY Friday night. If it's not beer with a lime, it's Butter baby shots or a round of Blowjobs (the shot) for the group o' ladies. There is a long history of good looking guys treating them like shit and fucking their friends. They want a guy who's juuuuuuust enough of a dick to appeal to the needing a bad boy part of them, but funny enough to make the butter baby shot squirt out of their nose when he does a little skit on girls who wear lots of bracelets.( I saw it. All the guy at the bar did was keep pushing up his sleeves. That and his Baldwin hair got him a ton girls that night. OH and the rounds of GoldSchlager(sp?) that he kept getting them didn't hurt. Get those bitches drunk fellas. Nice girls are too much work if you just want to get laid.). These women are probably Danes main groupies. Not all of his fans, but quite a few. I also think that girls who talk like guys are probably big fans. That is, women who are "one of the guys" because they cuss like a fucking sailor and can drink like a guy. Sadly, I believe that Dane would rather bang the former. Sorry ladies. He's manage to work his little slice EXTREMELY well though and that's why I like him.