"What the hell are YOU lookin at?!?" or...

"Prelude to the second Venessa post I'll write this afternoon.".

Once upon a time I was coming into work. It must have been around a quarter to 4 in the morn. I was crossing the street, and having on a previous night almost been run over by someone whipping around the corner in there auto-mobile, was quite cautious and continued to look down the one-way street so's what I could better get the phuc out of the way if it were to happen again. As I was crossing the street I happened to notice a man, or at least I assumed it was a man because of the height.....this man was walking down the sidewalk I had just left on my way to the side which the proverbial chicken doth cross to get to or however the heck you'd say that if you were trying to be really wordy and sound smart n' stuff.

....I was crossing the street....almost got hit once....didn't want to come that close again....guy walking down the street....way too friggin early in the morning....are you with me?

Cool.

So....I'm crossing the street and constantly looking to my right in case a car were to come to squish me. As I am doing this the fella walking down the street yells "Why the fuck are you lookin at me?! I'm not gonna ROB you. Fuck you, man!! I should make you run, scared mutha-fucker!".

.......

Now, when this happened, it took me a second to even have ANY idea what the PHUC this guy was talking about. I'm looking behind me...all around....who the hell is this guy talking to?

I make it across the street un-squished and proceed on towards the Amalgamated Shmuck Building and then my brain turns on. Did I mention it way too friggin early? Yeah, my brain turns on and I figure out he was shouting at ME because he thought that I kept turning to look at him as I was crossing the street.

Why is that? Would that be classified as paranoid? Self-centered? Would you say he had high self-esteem or low? If he had been angrier and armed would I be dead or at the very least wound up in the hospital? WAS he talking to me?

I'm asking because right now I have 3 people like that in my life and they're confusing the hell out of me. I'll say or do something, or in the case of one, not talk to them in a couple of days and the next thing you know I'm getting accused of stuff, questioned about things.....people who are mutual friends or acquaintances ask me shit like..
"Is it true that you stuff your pants with mayonnaise when you go sky-diving?" and I'm all "....um....what? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Rob said that you told him that he'll never be as good as you at sky-diving because he hates mayonnaise."
".......what the....mayonnaise?!? I've never BEEN sky-diving and I hate mayonnaise...why would I tell anyone that?"

It's like people don't have any contact with me for awhile and they start having there own conversations with an imagined me and I mean MORE imagined than I am. It's kind of like the Telephone Game, only I didn't even start the topic I walked in at the end and someone comes up and says, Hey, you wanna hear the scuttlebutt that's goin around? Jerk is a natural blond, but he dies his hair to hide the fact that froggy went a courtin and he did ride with a girl who was left handed and had a thing for midgets that make cole slaw.".

"No shit?! That's some phuct up shi....hey, waitaminute.....I'M JERK!! None of that shit is true. Where the hell did you hear THAT?!".

So, then I start trying to remember when I said anything about mayonnaise or little people and being a blond or sky-diving or left handed girls and wondering why if I mentioned all of that my irrational fear of Asian women didn't come up or my not so secret wish to bang a really hot albino chick or how I've always wondered what it's like to nail a deaf girl (You know, like how loud does she get if at all....would your neighbours call the cops because they thought she was yelling for help.....what? I'm a idiot remember? I wonder about this crap. It's funnier when I tell it though. The sound effects are important to show just how stupid I am.) I don't' want to, unless she's hot of course, I just want to know what it's like.

Anyway....I guess I'm writing this to ask if you know people like this. I don't deal well with them. It seems the more I talk to them and try to explain shit the more they take things and twist them to suit their own purposes.

I was starting to think that I was the one imagining things until I got the same kind of info from other people. Of course, we could all be crazy and not the other people. Hm....

This one guy I know, Dave, he calls me up the other day and starts telling me that I AM the one who's making things up, jumping to conclusions and the one who's phuct in the head because he said no such thing...blah blah blah...and then on friday night another person I know tells me that she has an email from him where he did, in fact, say all this shit I called him on.

It's as if there isn't enough drama in the world they have to make up more.

I deal with them by NOT dealing with them. I tend to cut all ties to these types because real or imagined, them or me (they or I?), it gives me a phuc-n headache and stresses me out. I fully expect them to at some point come at me with a pair of scissors screaming "You took my silly putty and gave it to George Peppard!!" or some shit and then instead of stabbing me they'll knock me down, cut the hem off of my pants and then run off Mad as a Hatter "I got it!! I got the magic slinky!!! Bwah-hahahahaha! I TOLD you phuc-ers he was crazy!!!".

SO....

How are yoooooouuuuu?

P.S. Pleeeeaaase don't be one of these people and assume this post is about you and then go off on some crazy tangent and then alter my pants,k? Unless, you're Dave, but not Dave-Dave that moved to New Mexico Dave or "Daveman" Dave from High school, but Dave that's an asshat Dave. Kthnx.