Stagnant

I've done nothing at all with my life this last year. I kept waiting for something to happen, for some kind of sign, the voice of God...something. I met "The Girl",and I got excited "Finally! I have something to aim for, a destination! " I got motivated.

Only....

"The Girl" had/has her own shit to deal with. I tried too hard to force it. I got impatient. I ruined what we had by pushing too hard and then getting pissed/freaking out when things weren't going my way or fast enough. Right now she's going through the hardest, toughest thing she's ever had to deal with. I got selfish. I truly understand what she's going through. I do, it's just that part of me that got excited wanted it, us, NOW. I pushed too hard. She says I didn't ruin us at least being friends, but I did. There are friends and there are "acquaintances" ya know? There will be no more long conversations. No conversations at all really. Now I'll get snippets. It's odd to go from those fun talks with a good friend that jump around and end on an up note and a wish to talk again, soon, to "How are you?", "Good. You?". It also hurts to know that you caused that change.
Maybe in the future we can be that way again. Once she gets through this and things are settled in her life, and mine, maybe we can talk again and reconnect as friends. I hope so. I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all. :)

I've put off a ton of things because I wanted to avoid pain.

Those nature shows sure make it look easy to put your ducks in a row.