Congradjumations Boston Patriots!!

Yeah, I know they're the New England Patriots NOW, but waaaaaaaay back (Gosh, Mr. Peabody!) when they were an American Football League team, (and I am partial to AFL teams beings what if it weren't for the AFL my hometown, Denver, probably wouldn't have a football team.) they wuz the Boston Patriots. I'm always happy when an old AFL team kicks butt on the NFL teams.

So....

Congrats to the Patriots on an undefeated regular season. Now go win it all or what you just did won't mean squat. That's right, I said it. Go win the Superbowl or you aint shite. If you don't win, all those old farts from the '72 Dolphins will still get together and drink bubbly talking about how awesome they are and how nobody's ever going to be as awesome as they. We need a new bunch of old farts for after all those guys kick the bucket, so g'head and take it all fellas.

DO IT!

I'm serious. You guy'll suck like no suck that has ever sucked if you tank it in the playoffs, and if you DO lose, you sure as hell better lose to the team that does win the whole enchilada. If you lose and that team goes on to get spanked in some 55-10 San Fran v. Denver type fashion.......

Just do it already. Thanks for letting me see some historical stuff. I'll remember it, but I don't wanna add a "Yeah...but then they went and screwed the pooch big time!" asterix thing to it all.

DO IT!!

Do it, and when you do, if you could arrange for it to be against the Cowboys that'd be cool. Also, if you could crush them in an even more historic 60-70 points, that'd be awesome. Imagine all the sarcastic "How 'bout them COwboys!" you'd get to let folks unleashed for a few days. Think off all the happiness you'd bring. Do it for the children. Hell, do it for Steve Grogan. Thanks.

Man.....I really shoulda asked Santa for all this.

Meh.

DO IT ALREADY!!

Mary Crimmus! She's hawt.

Thank (insert whatever/whomever you believe in...or don't, see if I care.) for these people who were born on the 25th. Well, except for Karl Rove. He creeps me out with his beady lil eyes.

In a way, it's funny that they left Jesus off the list, but not really since the Catholics moved the celebration of his birth to this date a long time ago. I think he was born in August or some such. Well, he was born in a manger (Look away, look away, look away, Dixieland), but you know what I mean.

I hope yer Hanu..Chakuna....your Judaic Celebration rocked (Rocked!), and that you have a happy/safe Christmas, Kwanzaa, Festivus....thingy.

And, to all my atheist friends, here's hopin' you win the lotto, dude!

Dan Fogelberg dead at 56

It's odd that he passed away this time of year, what with the following being his most famous tune.


I don't know about you, but I can't wait for this year to be over. In a few ways it was a good year, in most it was the worst year of my life (and that's sayin sumthin). Next year will be better.

Name(d) that tune too

Wondering who does that "I think maybe I'm falling for you...possibly..etc" tune in the new Diamondws are Forever commercial with the couple driving through the snowy city? (Poor Grammar)

It's Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg.

You can score a quick fix on YouTube or his MySpace page.

You're welcome.

Technical Difficulties

My plans to write more often have been sideswiped by a British Standard Buttload of work and a dead computer at home. I'll be back shortly. Honest. I miss you guys.

((hug))

Jerk of All Trades v2.0

For some reason Blogger is going all HAL9000 on me (yuck) and won't let me put up a picture with my blog title over it. It's worked fine up until today. I blame sunspots.

....and hippies. Those fucking hippies.

I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming infinite prolific again. Tons of random stuff flitting (fleeting?) through my noggin. We shall see.

Duh

"Decide that you like college life. In your dorm you meet many nice people. Some are smarter than you. And some, you notice, are dumber than you. You will continue, unfortunately, to view the world in exactly these terms for the rest of your life."

- from Lorrie Moore's "How to Become a Writer"

Squiboogee is the new Huzzah!

I believe the Pittsburgh Steelers have found a way to stop the Patriots. A crappy field.

My knee is better. My back is not.

The GF went to her ultrasound for the pain she's had for months. Still waiting for the doc to call with info.

I briefly had an epiphany(!), I'd found my raison d'etre and the answer to all life's questions and just like that.......it was gone. Stupid brain.

Apparently they play football in Canada. Congrats to Saskatchewan who's team sounds like a gay porn movie and/or a DMX song.

Hockey related: Mike Keenan blows almost as much as Gary Bettman, how does he keep getting work?

Anybody own an Xbox 360? I'd like one, but man, I keep hearing about how they die easily. That's a ton of dough to pay for a Microsoft paperweight.

The other day a 13yr old girl was BLATANTLY hitting on/flirting with me. It made me realize I'm not a dirty old man. I found it disturbing and creepy. I also felt sorry for her parents. That's one horny girl if she's wanting to rub on an old fart like me.

Hey, do any of you know the name of a book about a girl who was locked in the basement by her parents? I think it's a 70's book. Autobiography thing. She escaped and told her story. When I Google that info, I get Oprah's GOD, Maya Angelou's Caged Bird Sings book. That's not it.

I'm reading The Game by Ken Dryden. Excellent book. Hockey stuff.

Hope you are well,

Jerk

Happy Trypto-fest 2007!!

The Canadians (and this is just like them) being INCREDIBLY impatient, already celebrated Thanksgiving, so I shall simply wish the Canucks a Happy Thursday.

Happy Turkey Day to my fellow Yanks!

Happy Just Another Day to the rest of the globe!!!

I'm thankful that all of you lovely (Meh, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt) people read my blog.

I shall now eat WAY to much food, thereby causing what little blood I have going to my brain to be focused more intently on my stomach, leaving my defenseless frontal lobe to fall victim to the otherwise too low of an amount of Trytophan, that will cause me to fall into a mild coma. WHICH(!), I shall awake from, only to start the process over again.

Thanks Bloggies.

:)

Into this wilde Abyss..

the Womb of nature and perhaps her Grave,
of neither Sea, nor Shore, nor Air, nor Fire,
but all these in thir pregnant causes mix't
confus'dly, and which thus must ever fight,
unless th' Almighty Maker them ordain
his dark materials to create more Worlds.
Into this wilde Abyss the warie fiend
stood on the brink of Hell and look'd a while,
pondering his Voyage...

- Paradise Lost

Friday Jibba-jabba-jumblypoo!

I keep meaning to write my Ten Rules to live by post that some girl I do not know in any way shape or manner yet I read her blog and she somehow, possibly, knows me (the No Celery Please broad), but every time I want to it just come out more like a "Jerks Pet Peeves/Ten ways to ge Jerk to smash your fat face!" type thing.

Therefore, I shall just type the following random stuffage.

1) My knee feels better today. It's an upper calf sprain on the back of my right knee. The loud *POP*(!) I swear I heard and definately felt was simply the fluid "snapping" in the same manner as when you crack/pop your knuckles. At least that's what the doctor said, but what do they know anyway, they're merely "practicing" medicine.

2) Why is it when people are crossing the street and they see your car coming they run juuuuuuuust enough to get in FRONT of your car and then walk the rest of the way across the street? "Oh dear, there's a car coming I better bolt out into the middle of the street and then casually stroll the rest of the way so's what they don't hit me!". Yeah, good thinking Gumby. RUN YOUR ASS ALL THEY WAY ACROSS THE STREET OR STAY ON THE PHUC-N CURB TIL I PASS!!! Grrrr. Bastards.

3) Here's a rule to live by.....

BATHE

This isn't France. Your "scent" isn't "sexy". We pay good money to have our water cleaned. Use it. You know what goes good with that water when you're bathing? Soap. Soap is your friend. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

4) Why are there fat plumbers? Ever tried crawling under your kitchen or bathroom sink to get at sumthin? Big, fat, plumbers crack looking hombres, shouldn't be plumbers. You know who should be plumbers? Little people. Phuc the Lollipop Guild, those dudes need to be plumbing.

5) Bathe.

6) Why do they bother putting articles in Playboy? Seriously. We all know why you're checking it out and it's not for that Obama interview.

7) What's with Wade Boggs doing Hair restoration commercials? Way to knock yerself down several notches on the Jerk Coolmeter. What's next Sean Connery doing Viagra commercials?

8) Speaking of....have you seen the commercial with all the old dudes in some kind of band, sitting around singing about gettin it up? WTF? Gay. Not Gay-gay, but gay like lame gay. Well, now that I think about it, it's a new kind of Gay. Gay-agra. Who does that? "Say Charlie, a bunch of the fellas and I are getting together to jam this weekend and sing about our Johnsons. You in? You sure? We need a flute player. Hey, where you goin?"

9) Is it just me, or have you noticed that Tom Brady dresses like he's going to some party thrown by Austin Powers after every game? The other day, after the Patriots beat the Colts, he was wearing a velvet jacket or some such. Is it his supermodel girlfriends fault? "Tohm, you no wud wood be real hoet. Eef you war a velvet jahket. Yez, und it woot be even hodder eef you wore some of my Victoria's Secret panties unnerneaf.". He looked like he was the stand in for Bruce Campbell in those Old Spice commmercials. Ahoy.

10) I still think about The Girl. A lot. I shouldn't.

11) To be continued....

Jacked Jerked my knee up

Popping.

Pain.

Swelling.

Doctor moving knee around.

More pain.

Wanting to punch Doctor in his fat face.

Anti-inflammatory.

Limping.

Neglecting blog.

Less pain.

Back to work.

More pain, but this time behind eyes.

More wanting to punch people in fat faces.

Ice good.

Peace.

Yo.

Ouch?

Sounds like one of the guys in my Dept might Be leaving so the boss has been asking if we know of anyone who might want/need a job. So, me being the swell chap I am, I tell this guy I know who works in the mailroom about it. He's been sick of working where he is for the last year or so and has been trying, unsuccessfully, to score another job and pretty much any job.

So...

I tell him, and he commences to pretty much tell me that my job is below him. That he'd rather keep doing what he's doing than work in my office.

So....

Me being me (the current me, not the old me), I start thinking about it...and start getting bummed.

If you knew this guy, and you saw what exactly his duties (heh heh....I said duties) were...

Picture a cross between Booger from the Revenge of The Nerds movies, Chong from the Cheech & Chong movies and Jimmy Fallon.

How much of a loser am I that I'm below him at work?

Geebus.

The mailroom crew consists of 3 normal people, the guy I just told you about who works to support his drug habit (Pot is NOT addictive though. It's not. Just ask anybody who gets high), an alcoholic who almost drank himself to death and just measured a corner of his apartment to see how many cases of beer he could stack there for the winter and then dropped over a grand on said beer structure (Picture a 50yr old Doug Henning), a "lead worker" who does neither of those two things, but loves to boss people around when she isn't napping at her desk and a guy who was an extra in The Outsiders but kept the hairstyle while taking on Oscar the Grouch's outgoing personality (oh man, this guy goes out of his way to have a shitty day. If things are going great, he'll fuck shit up just so he can bitch about it).

It bums me out to no end to think that no matter how bad their day is, they can all sit together during break and say "Yeah, but at least we're not that poor bastard Jerk! What a phuc-n loser that guy is. I'd kill myself if I was THAT guy.".

If the sad, dregs of humanity look down upon thee.....

Christ and his Mass, I'm a loser.

:(

Meh

I'm hungry

Happy Halloween!!

Tailor: How's that jacket feel? Looks a little tight.

Nosferatu: No, it's good.
Tailor: You sure? I can make some adjustments and have it ready for you by..
Nosferatu: NO! I....I'm good. I uh....I have a date tonight. It's perfect. Thanks.

Now for a spooky tale....


In the building where I work there's an older gentelman who occasionally wears an outfit eerily similar, or as an old trainer would say simular, to what The Wolf Man wears. Only he, the old guy, wears a shirt that is the same green as the pants. He even rocks that slicked back, Lon Chaney Jr. hair-do. I get Universal Monster movie flashbacks every time he wears this outfit and if I'm not fully awake, expect Abbott & Costello to come running through the office shortly after he leaves. "Abb-ott! Hey, A-a-abbo-ott!"

SO, it's Halloween, and has anyone ever pointed this out to him so that he'll actually wear his Wolf Man gear on this perfect day?

Apparently not.

Bummer.

What? Not spooky enough for you.

Well here's some footage my friends took of me after we went skinny dipping a couple years ago and they thought it'd be funny to hide my clothes.I had to walk back to the camp site naked..

Those guys suck.

Happy Halloween.

Don't you be eyeballin' me Mayonaise

I'm thinkin about buzzin my dome.

That is to say, I'm thinking about taking my hair clippers (not hedge) and cutting my hair realy, really, stubly(?) short, not flying a WWI type airplane (Ah Jenny; sweet, beautiful Jenny.)very low over my planetarium (Laser Floyd, man....).

Dunno.

It's just so easy to not have to do anything to your hair in the morning. Never a bad hair day when you have no hair, right?

Winter.....she cometh. No hair and cold don't play well together. Cold wins.

Brrrrr.

No talking in the mensroom!

Happy Fry day!

I mentioned this song on my olde blog. I lurve this song. I gave up looking on YouTube for it...until now!

Enjoy.



I'm off to score a tasty burger.

Griff's sounds good. Fatburger is too far away.

World Series 07: Rox vs. Sox

I can't decide if I want to wear my Red Sox jersey (Wade Boggs, baby!) and my Rockies hat to work tomorrow, or my Rockies jersey (Blank, baby!!) and my Sox hat...

Stupid Cleveland Indian losers. Why couldn't you win so I could have a clear cut side to cheer for.

Cleveland rocks.....

MY ASS!

(Um....as in it sucks; not that we're lovahs or like those dudes on OZ or Jalapeno stuff)

Bastards.

GO _OX!!

Things to post in Denver when you're dead

It's nadah toomah

I think I'm dying.

I've been sick all week. My head hurts. My tummy hurts. My back hurts. Methinks it's the flu.
....or ebola.
.....or "The Plague".

.....cooties?

I think I'm dying.
I blame the Hippies.
Bastards.

(end sickness stuff)

I thought my GF was pregnant with my miracle baby. Yeah. She's been feeling uckey lately and she kept saying "If I didn't know my tubes are tied, I'd think I was pregnant". So I was all like, "Well, you DID say awhile back that you went to push/lift something at work and felt something kinda *POP* and a bit of pain, right? Maybe you popped stuff loose and now you're bakin' my spawn right now.". I'm romantical like that n' shit. So I tell her that she needs to find out, cuz the hole required for a wee lil spermy guy to fit through doesn't need to be all that big and that I paid attention in health class back when I was 13 and I 'member that once the egg gets all pregified it has to drop down so's what the baby can grow and if she's still mostly tied in the tube department the baby could be trying to grow in a tight space and it no likey. It no likey to the point that something could *POP* in a bad, very bad, horribly bad way or at the very least our kid's gonna have one leg shorter than the other and/or has to take the short bus to school. Any kid of MINE is gonna have enough problems as it is having me as it's father, we dont need to slap Hunchback of Notre Dame (The catherdral thingy, not the college football team that totally BLOWS this year. Poor, poor, Gipper.)-ness on it.

So.....

She goes and gets the test (she had to pee on it! Uck! Bleh! gack! Barbaric, hey?) and we wait.....

No baby. Which is both good and bad, right? Good cuz she's not crushing our baby to Carnival freak show proportions. Bad cuz the odds that I'da knocked her up what with tubage tied, safe sex (not always), the fact that I might be sterile (childhood injury that is too painful for me to retell. Ever. My boys are feeling sore just thinking about it.)....it was like a million, bazillionty to one, right? That'd been sweet. It would be some unbelievable shit like the Colorado Rockies baseball team going to the World Series?

What?

THEY ARE?!?

HOLY SHIT!!!

Meh.

No baby.

No miracle baby for Jerk to brag about.

I think I'm dying.

Not like dying dying, but dying like Bugs Bunny "Oooooooh, I'm DYIN' again!" takin' that penguin to the South Pole when really, he was from Hoboken dying.

I no feel good.

I'm WAY behind on posting crap I've been tagged with.

Hey, at least I posted something, right? Something slightly interesting even.

Be good.

Nothing to say

Me being stupid. It really wasn't that dark here, not sure why it looks that way.

Fatty, fatty, two by four....

I'm missing some paperwork here at Amalgamated Shmuck (Where we eliminate the first "c" and pass the savings on to YOU!), so's I go in seach of....

The first guys who picked up a pile o' work by mistake have everything BUT what I'm looking for, but they give me a free box of peanut butter cookies.


The second place I goes...no paperworky buuuuuuut, I get a slice of birfday cake.

The third and final place to look, they say they seen 'em, but they don't know where they are NOW. Oh, but they gave me a handful of "fun size" (I had a girlfriend once who was funsize) Snickers instead.

Apparently I'm looking a little short of fighting weight today.

I'd rather have my work.

What else....AH! Das machinen are nix gaverken. Der printzen und der stachten is verboten by komputers und printerz. Machinen on striken. Das mittengrabben und der fingerpoken make machinen kaput. Mein verken is kaput. Needen Bier.

I shoudla called in sick this year.

You should call Dude

There's no nudity. It's just a stupid thing I found on YouTube that is pretty much how it is at my office when it's slow.



....only with sock monkeys.

I get a 3 day weekend

Name(d) that tune

In my little circle of friends (OK, not so little, I mean you guys read this from all over the WORLD, right?), I'm the answer man when it comes to music. If you can give me a few lyrics or hum a little of it I can usually tell you who/what cuz I already know, or I can find out for you. Lately, I've had not one, but 4 people ask me about the song in the Old Navy commercial. A girl sings something about "if you're cold, I'll give you my sweater.....I love the way you call me baby...".

If you too are wondering.....dunt dunna naaaaah!
(or Tah-dah if you prefer)

The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson


If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Check her out on MySpace (She's CUTE!)

Why Blogger Doth Have Suckage Issues

I tinkered with my blog to give it this new look and noticed when I went to add/remove some links that it had automatically deleted some blog links on it's own. Funny hoew those blogs juuuuuuust happened to be to blogs on Wordpress, Livejournal and any blog type action that ISN'T Blogger.

Odd, huh?

So, I went and RE-added those one. I'll be adding some more here real soon.

I got "Tagged" by The Raspberry Queen (The Blueberry Prince doesn't talk to me anymore since I made fun of his shoes). I'll be right back here with my "Jerk's Ten Rules to live by". I'm sure you're hanging on the edge of your virtual Lay-z-boy.

It's that time of year again....

where I delete links to people who no longer blog (wimps).

Gretch & Jane, I hardly knew ye. NO, seriously, I hardly knew you. Mainly because you guys didn't post that often even when you WERE blogging. Binny only blogs for "Special" people who are invited. Humph! How rude. Binny and I go waaaaaaaay back in the Blogoshpere, but apparently I'm not "cool" enough to read her blog anymore. :P Fine! See if I care! I hope the Leafs blow goats this year!

....or at the very least don't make the playoffs.

....again.

On the flipside o' things, if'n you read my blog (poor bastard) and I don't have your blog (if you blog) linked just let me know and I'll hook you up with some link luv. Which, by the way, sounds like I'll be sending you a bunch of Bratwurst in the mail or sumthin. Mmmm....brats. It IS Oktoberfest time! MMmmmmmm, beer & brats. Beer, brats and WAY too much polka music.

Good times.....good times.....

Look out!

Since the NHL has gone with an all new look this year (Way to go Dallas Stars with your UBER-imaginative update!), we here (the Royal "we") at Jerk of All Trades (He's dead ya know? Undead....undead...undead.) have torn down the old (Tear down The Wall! Tear down The Wall!) and slapped some new-ish look here and there (Mostly here).

Enjoy.

....or don't.

I can't make you do anything you don't wanna.

.....or can I? (Dun dun duuuuuuun!)

JaneEllen, stop this crazy thing!!!

OK, look here, and then look HERE..

This screams that a movie be made.

Just sayin.

Hooked on Phonics: Presidential Edition

Is it just me, or do you guys notice that little twinkle in the eye and sly "proud of myself/I'm awesome!" subtle smile on the Pres's face after he gets done reading a particularly difficult paragraph or string of tongue twisting words?

Way to go Dubya. Good for you getting better at reading and speech giving just as your run is coming to an end. You JUST might be able to convice a few people that you can actually read some of the books in your Presidential library at the dedication in a few years.

Maybe.

As long as there's some Curious George (no pun intended) books in it that is.

I'm back (back), back in the Denver groove...

I'm back in Denver anyway.

Kansas is still flat.

The weather was lovely.

I caught a cold the second day.

My Gandparents looked good.

I've had a few friends ax (ugh) me WHY I've been with the video lately.

Simple.

I'm lazy.

I'd rather talk than type out some of my rambly. I used to Audioblog, but my then GF thought I was only doing it to score ass with my super sexy voice.

.........(blink-blink)

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

I don't mind showing off my jersey collection though. I should just do it all in one shot and show you guys my closet and then spare you my lovely *cough* visage.

It's football season! Hooray! Hockey's next!!

Roll Tide.

More later I guess.

((hugs)) n stuff.

A quickie before I left town

I'll have some UBER-exciting vids on here that I took in the middle of nowhere. If you like wide, open spaces (like between my ears), you'll like 'em.

I can move mountains!!

No, wait....I can move AWAY from mountains.

Drive really.

I'm in Kansas. I have no little dog.

I will have something to post later.

Be good.

112 days until Christmas.

C

U

Jersey Friday!!

As some of you know (ok, maybe one of you. Hi Jensy!), I usually wear a jersey of some type on fridays here at work. Sometimes, if I haven't kept up with my laundry, I wear one on some other day of the week, but almost always it's just on fridays.

.....did that even make sense?

Anyhoo....
Gaze upon the loveliness what is the brand spankin' new, special ordered, limited edition, I'm the only guy in the state of Colorado with one (for now :( ), 1984 Dan Fouts Chargers jersey!!!


Huh?
Huh?
Are you lookin?
Are you?
Huh?
Isn't it awesomely cool?
Huh?

.......

Well ok then, I can see that you're not impressed.
Meh.
I think it's cool; and that's all that matters. I've been waitin years, YEARS I TELL YOU(!), for Mitchell & Ness (Muy expensive jersey making guys) to make this one, the royal blue one. They made the white one and it sold out in a flash, but I wanted this one, the.....ok, I'll stop. Sorry.

*ahem*

Today, right after work (noon), I wiil be going to The Taste of Colorado. I WILL be taking my camera and filming a bit of it for your viewing pleasure...I think. It's a food fest thing, so I might be too busy stuffing my pie hole. I'll get sumthin on vid for ya and then do what I do best.

Sleep.

NO! I mean, babble on & on & on & on about stupid crap nobody cares about but entertains some of you who apparently have really, really, really boring jobs and/or too much tme on your hands (Styx!) or, and this one shocks me, you actually like me.

Naaaaaah.

Meet me back here latah.

Ole!

Dane Cook?

...not very funny.

Not funny at all actually.

I'd heard the name. I'd seen his face, but was not familiar with his stuff. TONS, huge ginormously HUGE numbers of women seem to think he's HI-larious. I see that he has a movie coming out with my Jessica, so I figure "Hey, I'll check out this Dane fella. He's kinda shot up in the famous ranks lately. He's working his 3 picture deal. He's kissing Jessica Alba. He must be funny.".

Hm....

Yeah....not funny. His delivery is so that it IMPLIES funny. Man, can this guy sell a joke. Build up...build up....attitude.....kind of like he's trying really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, really for reals HARD to be George Carlin and he'll work the crowd, work it...pace...wander....more attitude...sly grin like he's gonna unload the funny on you any minute....and then..

and then....

punchline/eventual payoff type thingy. Which is something along the lines of "That's how chicks ARE, man!".

and then um....all the girls in the audience shriek like a bunch of chimps who just found the key to Bananaland or Bananastan (Bananabad?).

Back when I was bartending I had this theory. Drunkass white women between the ages of 19-32ish will laugh at anything. It's gotta be white women. Drunkass black girls, my lovely drunkass latina's, even the group of Japanese girls that were in town on vacation one night......they laugh at funny shit. In the case of the latina's if you're not funny they'll flat out tell you "Shut up fool. You aint funny. You're stupid (Stoo-pit)".

Drunkass white girls? Anything. Laugh their friggin pants wet over the dumbest shit. Get a group of 5 white, shitfaced girls together and you'll hear "Oh my god ohmygod you guys....Stacy just fell!" (Cue OBNOXIOULSY LOUD spittle producing laughter whilst 3 try to not fall off of their barstools and one squeeze's her knees together trying not to pee.) , and then Stacy will stumble over and almost knock everybody over "SHUT UP YOU GUYS!!! BLAHHHGUHHBLEEEEBUUHHH!BWah-HAHAHAHAHAH! GAH! IT'S NIT FUNNY!" (Cue the same shrieking laugh attack/chaotic spittle spree) "You said NIT funny! Bwah-hahahahahahaaaaaa!".

I just discribed every single bachelorette party that stumbled into the bar. The whiter the girls, meaning the more suburban, white bread, at least one of them's name ends in an "i" they are, the drunker, louder, EVERYTHING is HILARIOUS they get.

You ask me who finds Dane Cook funny, I give you these women.

Good for him. He seems like a like-able guy. He's probably cool to hang with. I'm sure his particular brand of humor, and I use the term loosely, scores him tons of women or, as the few, also white, suburban, obnoxious and I'm guessing the jockier the better, guys who find him funny would say, ass. He scores tons of ASS, dude. It's "tits", perhaps even "stellar" how much (Major?)ass Dane Cook gets, man.

I'll go see your movie. Sure. mainly because Jessica's in it, but I'll give you a chance. "Movie funny" and "Standup funny" are two different things. You're not very "Standup funny", but you just might rock at "Movie funny", unlike Seinfeld, who wasn't even "TV funny", but at least surrounded himself with people and writers who were. Jerry's still "Standup funny" though, and everybody knows that Carlin is a "Standup funny" GOD, but his "Movie funny" and "TV funny" is lacking. You could be "movie" or "TV" funny for all I know.

I however, am barely "Blog funny", which doesn't mean shit.

Get yours Dane Cook, cuz I'll never get any of that action!

To me, you're the man, Dane. Maybe not for the reasons you might want, or others think you are, but you're the man anyway.

Get yours Dane! You probably "hanging out at a mellow BBQ funny" bastard.
God luv ya.

...or help you, whichever you'd prefer.

P.S. I don't care that you may or may not have stolen Louis CK's material. It wasn't his best stuff anyway, he shouldn't care.

P.P.S. I was thinking on the way home, or tyring to at least, that there's probably somewhat of a Michael Bolton effect going on too. These women, his biggest fan base, think he's hot and want to bang him so thier subconscious mind tolerates a higher level of UN-funny, thatn say a Drew Carey coudl pull off. In order for Drew to get in some high maintenance girl from Philly's pants, that mofo's got to be FUNNY, whereas Dane can get by on attitude and the perception of funny. The implied funny. The ability to convince the girl "Hey, I'm funny". Just as Bolton sold lots of records (It's short for recording. They are still recordings therefore they can still be called records) to women by having a certain level of sex appeal and the ability to IMPLY that he was a good singer. Have you heard his stuff? That guy SELLS his songs. There's power. Not much else, but he can belt that phuc-r out. If you can convince people of something, whether it's true or not, that's all you need in this world.

Again. You go Dane! Rock it!

Also, I know I'm probably haivng a hard time explaining the TYPE of gal that likes Dane, nay LOVES, Dane. There's probably alot of tanning going on. Bleaching. A love of small dogs named "Crackers". Possibly a lot of lip gloss. She goes out drinking/dancing EVERY Friday night. If it's not beer with a lime, it's Butter baby shots or a round of Blowjobs (the shot) for the group o' ladies. There is a long history of good looking guys treating them like shit and fucking their friends. They want a guy who's juuuuuuust enough of a dick to appeal to the needing a bad boy part of them, but funny enough to make the butter baby shot squirt out of their nose when he does a little skit on girls who wear lots of bracelets.( I saw it. All the guy at the bar did was keep pushing up his sleeves. That and his Baldwin hair got him a ton girls that night. OH and the rounds of GoldSchlager(sp?) that he kept getting them didn't hurt. Get those bitches drunk fellas. Nice girls are too much work if you just want to get laid.). These women are probably Danes main groupies. Not all of his fans, but quite a few. I also think that girls who talk like guys are probably big fans. That is, women who are "one of the guys" because they cuss like a fucking sailor and can drink like a guy. Sadly, I believe that Dane would rather bang the former. Sorry ladies. He's manage to work his little slice EXTREMELY well though and that's why I like him.

More....whatever this is & why I can't say S's

Moments later....

Part of my drive home yesterday

The GF considers this road rage when she's in the car with me and I start the ranting. Silly GF.

Apparently, I'm a Raiders fan(?!) & and they get no respect.

I tell people that I'm a Broncos & Giants fan, but if you were to look through my jersey collection (I'll have to show you guys one of these days), You'd notice that I have just as many (if not more) Raiders, Niners and Vikings jerseys (ok, maybe not Viking. I have..um...4 of those. I think. Too many jerseys). I know you don't care, but hey, I wanted to show of my new Bo Jackson jersey to......THE WORLD. (Dun dun duuun).

More stupid coming atcha soon.

Jerk luvs.

I got a speeding ticket this morning

Nuthin like starting the day $130 in the hole.
Errands took longer that expected yesterday. It should be a slow day at work since I got the speeding out of my system. Here, watch this while I type for you:

"What the hell are YOU lookin at?!?" or...

"Prelude to the second Venessa post I'll write this afternoon.".

Once upon a time I was coming into work. It must have been around a quarter to 4 in the morn. I was crossing the street, and having on a previous night almost been run over by someone whipping around the corner in there auto-mobile, was quite cautious and continued to look down the one-way street so's what I could better get the phuc out of the way if it were to happen again. As I was crossing the street I happened to notice a man, or at least I assumed it was a man because of the height.....this man was walking down the sidewalk I had just left on my way to the side which the proverbial chicken doth cross to get to or however the heck you'd say that if you were trying to be really wordy and sound smart n' stuff.

....I was crossing the street....almost got hit once....didn't want to come that close again....guy walking down the street....way too friggin early in the morning....are you with me?

Cool.

So....I'm crossing the street and constantly looking to my right in case a car were to come to squish me. As I am doing this the fella walking down the street yells "Why the fuck are you lookin at me?! I'm not gonna ROB you. Fuck you, man!! I should make you run, scared mutha-fucker!".

.......

Now, when this happened, it took me a second to even have ANY idea what the PHUC this guy was talking about. I'm looking behind me...all around....who the hell is this guy talking to?

I make it across the street un-squished and proceed on towards the Amalgamated Shmuck Building and then my brain turns on. Did I mention it way too friggin early? Yeah, my brain turns on and I figure out he was shouting at ME because he thought that I kept turning to look at him as I was crossing the street.

Why is that? Would that be classified as paranoid? Self-centered? Would you say he had high self-esteem or low? If he had been angrier and armed would I be dead or at the very least wound up in the hospital? WAS he talking to me?

I'm asking because right now I have 3 people like that in my life and they're confusing the hell out of me. I'll say or do something, or in the case of one, not talk to them in a couple of days and the next thing you know I'm getting accused of stuff, questioned about things.....people who are mutual friends or acquaintances ask me shit like..
"Is it true that you stuff your pants with mayonnaise when you go sky-diving?" and I'm all "....um....what? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Rob said that you told him that he'll never be as good as you at sky-diving because he hates mayonnaise."
".......what the....mayonnaise?!? I've never BEEN sky-diving and I hate mayonnaise...why would I tell anyone that?"

It's like people don't have any contact with me for awhile and they start having there own conversations with an imagined me and I mean MORE imagined than I am. It's kind of like the Telephone Game, only I didn't even start the topic I walked in at the end and someone comes up and says, Hey, you wanna hear the scuttlebutt that's goin around? Jerk is a natural blond, but he dies his hair to hide the fact that froggy went a courtin and he did ride with a girl who was left handed and had a thing for midgets that make cole slaw.".

"No shit?! That's some phuct up shi....hey, waitaminute.....I'M JERK!! None of that shit is true. Where the hell did you hear THAT?!".

So, then I start trying to remember when I said anything about mayonnaise or little people and being a blond or sky-diving or left handed girls and wondering why if I mentioned all of that my irrational fear of Asian women didn't come up or my not so secret wish to bang a really hot albino chick or how I've always wondered what it's like to nail a deaf girl (You know, like how loud does she get if at all....would your neighbours call the cops because they thought she was yelling for help.....what? I'm a idiot remember? I wonder about this crap. It's funnier when I tell it though. The sound effects are important to show just how stupid I am.) I don't' want to, unless she's hot of course, I just want to know what it's like.

Anyway....I guess I'm writing this to ask if you know people like this. I don't deal well with them. It seems the more I talk to them and try to explain shit the more they take things and twist them to suit their own purposes.

I was starting to think that I was the one imagining things until I got the same kind of info from other people. Of course, we could all be crazy and not the other people. Hm....

This one guy I know, Dave, he calls me up the other day and starts telling me that I AM the one who's making things up, jumping to conclusions and the one who's phuct in the head because he said no such thing...blah blah blah...and then on friday night another person I know tells me that she has an email from him where he did, in fact, say all this shit I called him on.

It's as if there isn't enough drama in the world they have to make up more.

I deal with them by NOT dealing with them. I tend to cut all ties to these types because real or imagined, them or me (they or I?), it gives me a phuc-n headache and stresses me out. I fully expect them to at some point come at me with a pair of scissors screaming "You took my silly putty and gave it to George Peppard!!" or some shit and then instead of stabbing me they'll knock me down, cut the hem off of my pants and then run off Mad as a Hatter "I got it!! I got the magic slinky!!! Bwah-hahahahaha! I TOLD you phuc-ers he was crazy!!!".

SO....

How are yoooooouuuuu?

P.S. Pleeeeaaase don't be one of these people and assume this post is about you and then go off on some crazy tangent and then alter my pants,k? Unless, you're Dave, but not Dave-Dave that moved to New Mexico Dave or "Daveman" Dave from High school, but Dave that's an asshat Dave. Kthnx.

Teh prOn ate my dingo

Sorry for not getting to The Vennessa Thing pt.II as fast as some of you would like but I suddenly remember-ed that this is my blog and I can write whatever the phuc I want, when I want. I WILL get to it soon though, I promise, and I don't promise shit and then not do it. That means for the most part that I do not promise things. I will do, capische? Groovy.

I've been distracted lately by a lot of porn. That's right; I've been checking out TONS of porn. Porn porn porn. Yeah, I said it. Porn has been ruling my life lately. I certainly have NOT been reading about the Maginot Line, and most definately have NOT been reading Stephen E. Ambrose's book about the building of the Trans-continental Railroad!

Nope, it's been porn. Non-stop pornage, 24-7. Yep. I mean, WHY would I waste time watching the complete Robotech series that I forgot I owned or be watching the first 20 episodes or so ofDark Shadows that I might have scored on eBay, insteada writing on here?
(Well, I MIGHT have gotten it if'n I wasn't all about the porn lately, but I didn't get it and I did NOT tear it open right away and watch 4hrs of it straight without my butt leaving the couch once...cuz I didn't get it. Cuz the porn.)

Writing on here, entertaining all you lovely people, existing only to please my fellow man's every bloggy wish, that's where the real pleasure doth lay of course, not in silly things like watchingSuperbowls XXI-XL or playing a stupid game like this...

and getting it's damn....nonsensical....overly happy....friggin..SONGS...STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!

*ahem*

Yeah, it's been teh pr0n. Naked, dirty, slutty, sometimes disturbingly flexible and "It...it won't wash off. I can't get the dirty to wash off! UNCLEAN!" in it's porniness. I'm sorry and I'll get right back to writing for you guys, not for me, but for YOU, and you know, the children, gotta do it for the children. They're our future ya know. Yeah, I'll start writing on here more often, cuz dammit, it's the right thing to do, not like....say.....hot sex with my GF or goin to see Superbad again this weekend...NOPE. It's all about love here at Jerk of All Trades. Yep, love of the Blogosphere and the sexy bitches (that's you guys) that call it their virtual home away from home.

*sniff*

I love you, man.

*guh*

Peas suck.

Good weekend.

Have one.

No mi gusto el porquito en los pantalones del fuego. Ai, mi estomago!

Dude! (Vato!)
My blog is SO much cooler better en Espanol!

Christ on a scooter!

I hate it when this happens.

That was pretty much my weekend went too, ceptin' I went to go see Superbad instead of to the zoo.
It's awesomely funny (and gave me a few flashbacks), but it's not for the faint of swearing or girls under the age of 26. If women have ever been curious in the slightest how teenage boys talk/act when no one else is around, you'll find out in this flick. Mom's might not want to see this one though.

McLovin IS the man. If this kid doesn't get more work or his own show ala Family Matters/Urkel (but funny) it'll be a damn shame.

Friday I was wearing my Jet Jaguar shirt (It's the exact screen shot you'll see at the 25 second mark of the following vid, OR the 39 second mark if it's counting down insteada UP)...


I gotta tell ya, I get more comments on this damn shirt. People think it's cool even though I can tell they've got NO CLUE what the hell it is. Total starngers stop me to look at it and say sumthin. It's the closest I'll ever come (thankfully) to being a pregnant woman who has random nutjobs waling up and groping her bell-ah.

For those who don't know, Jet Jaguar is a bad mofo of a robot that helped Godzilla kick some monster ass in Godzilla vs. Megalon.

Oh, and he was the bestest part of a truly hilarious Mystery Science Theater episode.


OK, maybe not the the bestest part cuz that was...
REX DART.....ESKIMO SPY!


Next up: More Vennesa. I typey, you ready. K? K.

If you dont have anything nice to say....

Wee bit pissed off right now. "Wee bit" like Niagara Falls is a "wee bit" of water.

Niagara Falls (Les Chutes du Niagara)...

Sloooowly I turned (Slo-leee eye turn)....

Hold yer ponies

I'll finish The Venessa thing, honest. Weird stuff's been hapnin'.

On a completely UN-related note I am not, repeat NOT going to do fantasy football OR fantasy hockey this year. All I do is jinx the poor bastards that I get on my teams. Moreso with football then than hockey. I'm telling you, and I'm tempted to prove it to ya, that if I was to pick a team now or even let the system pick guys FOR me out of a selected top ten list of each position, 80% of those guys would be hurt for a minimum of 3 games and at least TWO players would be out for the season. I'm worse than the Madden game jinx and the Sports Illustrated cover jinx combined.

If there's a particular palyer (or Player for that matter) you don't like, lemme know and I'll think about drafting them for ya.

To give you a better idea of what I'm talking about...I didn't have one single player from either Superbowl team. I did however have the Bears defense. Who won again? Exactly.

Just sayin'.

I've got spurs that deedle bumba-leedle

as I thumbalina deeba beema dooooo

and adeeba teeba leedle teeble

bumba-leedle eeba deeba doo-be-doo....


More posts, less hits.
Go figgur.
(shrug)

Luv ya

Mean it

A bit o' Spammage

Like you, I, The Jerk of All Trades, get's spam. Not as much as some of you, but I gets it. Let us examine a particular email that hath been drop-ped at my virtual doorstep, shall we? Yes, let's shall.


I am David Wong,an attorney at law (From the lawfirm or Wong, Wong & Black I am sure, cuz you now, two Wongs don't make a White.) . A deceased client of mine,that shares the same last name as yours (Really....Ofalltrades....a client of yours...mm-hmm), who here in after shall be referred to as my client, died as the result of a heart-related condition on the 11 November 2001 (Well, he's not your client anymore then is he?). His heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his family in the Gulf Air Flight Crashes in Persian Gulf Near Bahrain Aired August 23, 2000 - 2:50 p.m. ET as reported on:http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0008/23/bn.08.html (Waaaaaiiiiiitaminute.....you're telling me that ALL of my possible cousins family died in this crash and I'm just NOW hearing about it from YOU?! Seven....years....later? WTF?!?)

I have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this deposit valued at Seventee million five hundrend dollars( US$17.5 million dollars) is lodged. This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated. (Well, Ofalltrades IS a rare name, but if you were his attorney shouldn't you be able to get this dough without MY help? Are you telling me that my cousin, My Client of All Trades, didn't leave a will that maybe says something like "In the event that my family does not fulfill their obligation to live and spend all my monies, it should be distributed evenly amongst all the girls down at Hooters/Atlanta."? Are you SURE he was an Ofalltrades? I'm starting to think you're full of shit Mr. Wong!)

My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my named client (So.....lie.) , since you have the same last name, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage (Whoawhoawhoa.....SHARE?!? If I get the money, it's MY money bro. Share....the phuc. You want me to lie, put my ass out there to get in trouble and then you want me to just GIVE you a hunk o' money? And don't give me that "But you woulda never known without ME" crap. No deal.) All legal documents to back up your claim as my client's next-of-kin will be provided. (Hang on....if you can pull that off, why can't you just get documents to show ANYBODY is the next of kin or inheiritorish guy?) All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. (Are you shittin' me...did you just say honest cooperation?)

This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from many breach of the law. (Many or any? I know you're the lawyer, but there's a HUGE difference between those two words. It's like, will it keep me from getting many ass kickings or ANY ass kickings. Big dif there my man.) If this business proposition offends your moral values (Pfft...I have questionable moras these days.) ,do accept my apology. I must use this opportunity to implore you to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this matter extraordinary confidential (Huh? You lost me with the big words and lack of "il" in the word extraordinary), whatever your decision, while I await your prompt response. Please contact me at once to indicate your interest (No dice bruddah). I will like you to acknowledge the receipt of this e-mail as soon as possible via my private EMAIL:(david_wong_02liar-at-large@yahoo.com.hk.phooey) and treat with absolute confidentiality (Much better. Stick with "absolute confidentiality" from now on instead of "extraordinary confidential") and sincerity.I look forward to your quick reply. (Bite me.)

Best regards,
David Wong
Attorney at Law

I don't know which is worse. The fact that these emails/scams are going on, or that there are people out their stupid enough to fall for them. Methinks it's the latter.

Bass fishing & a bit of Jerk: The Metal Years

(this isn't me)

I'm thinking about selling 2 or 3 of my guitars and getting a bass. I notice that most of the time when I fiddle with my guitars (I know, I really should be guitaring with my guitars) I just wind up doing a bunch of freestyle scale stuff. Which is odd, because I've always been more of a rhythm guitar guy when I've actually jammed with people or when I was briefly the guitarist in a band.

Bass is weird. Bass is like those commercials used to say about the board game Othello "A minute to learn...a lifetime to master". Lots of people start playing bass because they think it's easier. In a way, it is. For the most part, unless you wanna show off, get technical or just plain hammer on it Lemmy style you don't play chords (although, half the time I'm not sure WHAT Lemmy's playing cuz it aint no chord I ever heard of. Meh, it's Motorhead, as long as it's loud baby!), just individual notes. What lotsa folks don't get is that the bass, along with the drums, help "keep time".

Ever wonder how all those jazz guys could just riff like crazy, knock out a drum solo or go get a drink at the bar and then BOOM everybody's all playing together again all perfect like? It's because they all take turns keeping the time, and by time I mean the "one...and a...two...and...a" of a song. It's the basic "speed" and beat of a song. If no one is "keeping" time, all hell can break loose, and if there's someone in the band who can't keep steady time to save their life, everybody'll sound like shit. It's like a rowing team. If one guy is off....oh man is it ugly.

So, the bass and drums are the main "Rhythm section" dig? If either of those guys suck at keeping time, your band is shit. Period. I know the singers and the guitar palyers get most of the attention, but those guys can be so-so or sometimes down right awful, but as long as your drummer and bass player kick ass, you've got a decent band. Decent, not great, but decent.

YEARS ago when I was in a band I played drums. The bass player in said band was my buddy "Dok" (like Doc, but with a K. Don't ask.). Dok, my buddy Joel (who was our rhythm guitar guy) and I practiced like crazy. Our singer? Not so much. The few guys we tried out at Lead guitar? Not so much. They all seemed to think all they had to do was show up. This especially seems to be a problem with singers. Don't get me started. Lead guitarists, have a different problem. They tend to turn themselves UP and everyone else down. Don't get me started, again.

Anyhoo....We practiced like madmen. If we were learning a song, or working on a song we wrote, we played it over & over & over & over & over again. We'd start the song in the middle. We'd try playing parts out of order. We'd play it as slow as possible or as fast as possible. We'd do funk versions, countrify the damn thing all twangy (Our country version of Metallica's Master of Puppets was awesome). We'd learn Dokken's "It's not Love" and do a Death Metal groowly version. We weren't the most technical band or the most learn-ed guys in the music world, but we could keep time and were "Tight" like a 13yr old nun pickle jar. I remember one time, as the drummer and havnig full control of the speed of a song, speeding up and slowing down Black Sabbath's Paranoid at will and the guys were right there! It was cool. We were all "Yeah, that kicked ASS!!". Nobody looked, questioned, paused, looked confused....we were a well oiled rock MACHINE baby, and it was cool.

.....our "singer" however BITCHED no end that we phuct the song up, we sucked, we all better get our shit together if we want to play anywhere. "It's started out good and then it was too fast, too fast, too slow, good, too fast....then you phuct up and went right back to the solo part TWICE...too slow...you guys SUCK!". We laughed at him and he stormed off like a whiney baby. Unfortunately for us, the "singers" house was the only place we could play. His parents had a band and would be out playing bars around town friday and saturday nights so we would take over their basement on the weekends and jam like teenage boys with unlimited electrical power and volume control. A cool thing about it, was that we would get technical and professinal input from his parents and their musician friends. All of which would tell us that they were impressed with how "tight" we were, when usually with young "garage" bands, playing TOGETHER was not a priority.

Anyhoo....

For awhile, we all decided it would be cool if we learned each others instrument, so that if someone couldn't make band pratice, the other guys could still jam and/or record stuff. Well, everybody but our "singer" of course. His job was to sing and be the "Face" of the band. He didn't need to learn anything. Eventually he did start to play the drums and wasn't half bad, but by that time I was done with the whole band thing. He and a few other people killed my enjoyment of it. I literally didn't play anything, drums or guitar, for about 3yrs after all that crap. That's another post for another time.

During the time when we switched off we recorded some stuff and apparently everybody who listened was all "Who's playing the bass on this one?" and every time they asked, it was me. I had 3 differnt bass players, guys getting paid to play, one who'd even done some session work telling me that I had "it" for bass. I shouldn't be playing the drums, bass was my thing. I ignored them cuz drums....drums were my girlfriend. I loved the drums. I ate, drank and breathed drums. I had dreams where I played drums all night. I was CONSTANTLY tapping, stomping, banging on things.....drums were my raison d'etre (Oooo French!). Bass....pfft....drums were WAY better than bass, man. I gotta admit though, "Season's in the Abyss". was fun to play on the bass. It WAS, one of the few songs that I could play all the parts too. All except the lead that is. I'm pretty sure I couldn't play any of it now. That was years ago.

I'm thinking about picking up the bass. I'm thinking I'll play it once I do pick it up rather than set it down again. For awhile anyway. We'll see.

I hope this post wasn't too boring.

It was like real food, but faster...but not as fast as now and real-er than now.

You know what I miss? TV dinners. Waaaaaaaaaaay (One...two...seven...eleven..yeah that's enough a's) back when I wuz a youngin' there were these premade meals you could get and they came in a METAL tray. You know how now you buy a meal to heat up an it's just in one shallow tray? Well these "TV dinners" had 3 to 5 little sections for your meal. Say you got a meatloaf one. There was a place for your meatloaf, a place for mashed potatoes and gravy, a place for green beans and a couple other things. It was kinda cool and I'm sure all those anal-retentive people who's food can't touch, loved 'em.

Now, to cook/heat them up you had to use that thing in your kitchen that the stove sits on top of (Psst...the stove is that thing you may have seen people boil water on when they want to make Mac n' Cheese/Kraft dinner the old fashioned NON-Easy Mac way). Well, that thing the stove is on is called an Oven. NO, it's not a Macro-wave Oven. That's a common mistake though, since we're all used to the Microwave Oven. No, it's JUST an oven. You heated this Oven....what? Yeah, you had to wait for it to heat up. Yeah, I know, just listen will you? After it heated up to the right temperature you put your metal tray/dinner thing in and then you went off and did something else for like half an hour. Truthfully, I don't remember how long it took, but it took a long time in comparison to the stuff we have now. It was way longer than 5mins, I know that. Aaaaanyway....
What's that? Yes, you could, and still can for all I know, put metal things in this Oven. NO, it doesn't harm it at all. No, sparks or anything.

OH! I almost forgot!

Sometimes, and I know this'll sound crazy, but it's true, sometimes you had to open the Oven up and actually TURN your tray thing by hand. I KNOW! You opened the Oven up and it felt like you were leaning your head over Las Vegas. You had to use those Potholder things (Have you ever really held a pot with them?), and you kind pushed it around a bit to turn it cuz you wanted to shut the door in a hurry. Luckily, you just had to turn it once, not stand there constantly turning it and turning it like our micro's do for us.

OK, so, after the hour or whatever was up, your food was ready and I gotta tell you it was WAY better tasting than the stuff we have now. Sure, it took a lot of time, bu tif you bought the chicken meal, it was get this, actually CRISPY. NO, really, I'm serious! It was. One of these meals had a peachy, berry, apple-ish cobler thgn and when you took it out of the oven and pulled back the foil....did I mention it had foil over it instead of plastic? What? Cuz plastic would melt you doofus and get all i your food making it taste, well, pretty much like our food all tastes now.

Where was I? Ah yes, the cobbler stuff. It was all bubbly and gooey and yummy. They had another of these "TV dinners" that had a little chocolate cake with it and when it was done baking, it was REAL CAKE!!! No foolin!

Well, nowadays, when I pull my plastic trayed mystery meat and sumthin or t'other out of the microwave and marvel at it's grayish or slightly crunchified shrunkeness I long for the days of metal trayed "TV dinners" that existed back when we were only kinda lazy instead of completely fuckin'. Don't get me wrong, I can cook. I know how to use a cookbook. I've made stuff from scratch. I just liked the in-between of the TV dinner, and I certainly liked how the metal tray helped to cook things correctly and evenly with a little help in the turning department.

That's it for today's "Damn, I'm old" rant. Next time I'll ramble on and on about how you used to be able to buy 4 comic books for a dollar or how pop in glass bottles tasted better....and I don't mean those tiny ones they have now that cost you 3 times as much as the bigger plastic bottles, I mean the TALL ones that you could use for home defense or t-ball.

Sigh.....the good ol' days.

P.S. The song has absolutely nothing to do with this post. I just had it stuck in my head this morning.

Smoke and Mirrors

I awoke this morning, knowing full well what this date is "famous" for. Every year it rolls around and every year the mornings news gives me a little world news, some U.S. stuff, the weather around the country along with possible flight delays and a little sports update (mostly baseball) and then....if at all...there's a little "Oh, and by the way, we bombed somebody once. Piece that last about 30 seconds.

Isn't it odd, that Japan never mentions Pearl Harbor, tons of old Germans (and others around the world) don't believe the Holocaust occurred and we squirm and do a "Hey, look over there! How 'BOUT that Barry Bonds hitting those home runs!". It's as if we all convinced ourselves that Hollywood made WWII up.

Yes, I know it's horrible what we do to each other as a race on this rock, but ignoring it means we might forget, and if we forget, we're likely to do it again.

Sundays child is full of.....Football?

Well, it's sunday and there's football on today, but I'm too po' to afford cable so I wont be able to watch it. Saints v. Steelers. I'm picking the Saints. Go Special Teams guys trying to make the squad and live your dream of playing in the NFL! You're no dummies. The guys warming the bench make more money in a season than I'll see in ten years working at Amalgamated Shmuck (Where we leave out the first c and pass the savings on to YOU!).

Photogirl ax-ed me if my GF knows about the lusted after girl and the achey/dreamy/never be with girl.

She knows about tons of lusty ones. Do I really need to mention my Jessica Alba problem? As for the Canada girl....
The GF asked me once if I ever loved anyone. I said that I have learned there's a big difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE with someone.
GF: "Well have you ever been IN LOVE with someone?"
Jerk: "Yes. Once."
GF: "And...."
Jerk: "and....nothing. Nothing came of it."
GF:"....IN LOVE hurts doesn't it?"
Jerk: "Yes."

That was the end of it. She hasn't mentioned it again. From the look on her face I could see that she understood. I didn't ask her about her IN LOVE, she hasn't asked about mine.

Football starting means one thing.....

Hockey's coming.

I bought new strings for my guitars. I hate changing strings. It's a boring process and then you can't start playing right away because you have to wait for the strings to stretch/relax, and even after that, new strings have that crappy new string sound for awhile. I bought a single locking tremolo and replaced a piece of shit bridge the asshat I bought a used guitar from tried to "fix". I'm digging the single WAY more than the annoying double locking trem I have on my Ibanez. Changing strings on THAT guitar makes me want to go out in the back parking lot and "HULK SMASH!! GGGLLLEEAAARGH!!! GRRRRAAAAAARR!" the guitar into teeny, tiny bits.

Sorry, that was boring guitar talk that only Jimbo got, if he even reads this blog anymore.

My goal to be the only person in North America who does not own or wear Crocs is going quite well.

Anybody remember Space Food Sticks? I scored a box of 'em on eBay. New ones that some company is making, not a box of old ones from the 70's/80's. Ack. They only make the chocolate, not the choco/mint or the peanut butter ones though.

I like those pink wintergreen mints. They're tough to find. Oh well....

Another post in the record books!

See ya 'round, clown.

ko, NOW it's Saturday and Saturday Night's alright for fightin'.

Not that I want to fight. I'm a sleeper, not a fighter. Not a sleepr like in Dune or that Woody Allen movie, sleeper as in zzzzzzz. Oh, and not a sleeper as in I'm a deep, deep undercover spy just waiting for someone to call and say my "trigger word" or something like "The teddy bears ran out of potato salad at their picnic and someone went and put raisins in the cole slaw and f'ed it up for everybody cuz really, who wants to sit there and pick raisins out all afternoon or worry that maybe it's NOT a raisin but a bug." or some shit. Just the zzzzzzz. Dig? I knew that you could.

Hey, can we retire "baby bump"? Please?

Can we also retire all of young Hollywood getting interviewed and asked if they care about their image or effect on young America? Cuz they don't. They dont give a shit in the slightest and in my case, the feeling is mutual. You know how much it's going to affect me when Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan is found laying dead in the back alley of some club with a broken heroin needle in her arm and a Louis Vuitton limited edition cock ring in her mouth? Nada. At the most I'll say "Damn, people will buy ANYTHING as long as it's got that ugly brown and gold pattern on it.". Heartless? No. I just don't feel sorry for people who do things to themsleves. Those folks who had the bridge collapse on them, the Katrina victims, that girl who was a friend of a friend back in my early 20's who was born with an unfortunate pig-like nose....those guys I feel sorry for. Li-Lo, Nicole Ritchie and the like.....River Pheonix had more talent and potential in his little finger and my life went on perfectly fine without him. Sure, it'll be sad. Death aint cheery. But really? Meh. Just sayin.

I like pie.

Hey, if I started calling Pork Rinds "Swine Zest" would I be able to charge a crapload of money for them at a restaurant? I'd have a kid come around like they do with the peppermill "Swine-uh Zest, Mess-yoor? Swine-uh Zesss, Meh-Dom-uh?" and he'd crunch some up in his hand and sprinkle them on yer plate or maybe you'd grab them out of a bowl with special Swine Zest tongs. Yeah, tongs is the way to go.

La Zjee-urk Cafe du POP! (The pop is that thing you do where you make an O with your mouth and smack it with your hand.)

I think I'd have other cool shit on the meu at my fake frenchy restaurant. Like maybe Pate Cake on the kids menu. Croquette Mallets.... Tons of stuff.

The best part would be the over the top "Monty Python & The Holy Grail" outraaaaaaaageous Fronch accent I'd make everyone use.

Meh.

OK, one more blog post down.

Peas are gross. Fuck speelcheck. (Get it! spEElcheck?! HA! I kiil me! Get it?! kIIl....ah, nevermind. :P )

Meet ya back here tomorrow.

Friday's alright for...fighting's on Saturday right?

Hey, why is it that Elton John seemed LESS gay back when he wore weird outfits and huge glasses in the 70's?
Just wondering.

I have an odd life right now. I'm dating one girl, lusting after another girl and still, STILL wishing, hoping, aching for another girl who wants desperately to save me from her & small town Canada life. I'm trying to find a decent place to live, but having trouble finding a nice balance of size, quality, money, neighbourhood....you know, the usual crap everybody goes through. My therapy ended awhile back cuz apparently I is cur-ed. Close enough anyway. I really do feel better, not great, not quite myself yet, but MUCH better.


They're showing a thing on maggots right now on PBS. Interesting, nasty little bastards. Lots of close up stuff. Not for the squeamish.

I've written, and re-written a little stuff about the "Venessa thing" that KOM asked about. I'm just going to start typing. It was a truly odd "relationship". Blogging in general has been a strange journey for me. You throw your bottle in the ocean and suddenly you get a few bottle back, some days you get hundreds of bottles back and then one day you get.....Jens bottle back (Hi Jensy!), and nobody else's. Sometimes folks ask for MORE bottles, and sometimes they want to break them over your head or shove them places one should never have a bottle. Anyhoo...

More bottles on the way.

Take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of Jerk on the blog.

Have a great weekend!

Guess who's jersey I'm wearing today?

I'll give you a hint, it's not one of the losers.

So, I'm thinking I might actually WRITE about something this weekend.
No, really.
Honest.
'Member when I used to do that?
Write.
On this blog.
DAILY even.

I'm gonna try that again.

No, I'm not posting a picture of my legs. I've got sumthin better!!

Big goings on here at Amalgamated Shmuck aka Big Fugly Inc.

For those of you who haven't been bored into alienation by my crappy blog may recall the big hubbub(sp?) caused here last winter when I wore a sweater vest. Well, today word is flying through the building that I'm wearing shorts. "Is it CASUAL friday?" "Did I miss a memo?" "Shorts, huh? Hm....."(disapproving frown)

Keep in mind Jerk has worn T-shrits, Jeans, Football/Hockey/Baseball/Basketball (and even a Soccer jersey once) to work on a pretty regular basis. Nobody says diddly. I wear shorts.......HUGE stir. People are strange. When you're a stranger. Faces look ugly. The Doors had no bass.

My "If you're gonna remake an old SciFi flick.." list pt.1

In no particular order....

When Worlds Collide

I thought for sure this would get remade when all the "Earth is gonna get smashed by outer space rocks" movies came out. Get the right people involved, make sure Ben Affleck isn't crying like a little bitch in it or better yet, not in it at all and this would be gold.

Forbidden Planet

Normally, I'd say don't mess with perfection (Anne Francis..grrrrrooowl), but I know there are tons of people who will NOT watch an old movie at gun point. Those loser...um..guys, are missing out on this great version of The Tempest (Hey, I aint no heathen, I know some Shake Spears!) With a bigger budget, the right cast i.e. don't put Ben Affleck in it crying like a litte bitch, or better yet, not at all and you've got gold AGAIN! My favo(U)rite quote from this one? "Would 60 gallons be sufficient?".

Mad Max

Another movie I thought might get redone when all of the "Fast & Furious" types came out. This movie, along with Top Gun taught me that you don't want the nickname "Goose".

It Came From Outer Space

Similar to Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but with a happy ending. This one could be good if done right. I mean, it IS good, it could just be better and creepier if done right. They'd have to change the name of course and NOT have it in 3-D. I actually think that M. Night Shyamalan could do a great job with this one. It's kinda up his alley. Speaking of alley.....

Damnation Alley
(The only clip I could find on YouTube)

The Jan-Micheal Vincent Masterpeice (Hey! JMV was the MAN. Shut up!) kinda, sorta based on the book by Roger Zelazny would be another goody if handled WAY better than this. My love for cheesy, low budget, movies forces me to recall this one with fondness.

....and poor grammar.

The Incredible Shrinking Man
(Warning: This is the ending. Dont watch this if you wanna see the movie)

I truly do not think you can do this BETTER, just updated, for dorks who will not watch a B&W movie. This is one of my all time favo(U)rites. The genius what is Richard Matheson wrote it so how bad could it be, right? Sadly, if Hollywood did it now, it would be over the top, non-stop action with NONE of the deeper meaning or emotion. The ending speech is just awesome. "To God, there is no zero. I still exist.".

Thanks for reading.

More to come....

one of us now....

So, the other day I went to see "Chuck & Larry". It was ok. Wait to rent it. If you just can't wait, go see the matinee if you can find a theatre that still offers cheaper prices. All I can truly recall about it is an equally hot/terrifying scene involving 5 or 6 asian girls running around in their undies.

This post isn't about that. Not Chuck & Larry OR my irrational fear of asian women. It's about the trailer I saw for the movie The Invasion. When it first started, I thought "Whoa, somebody remade The Andromeda Strain?". That's cuz the trailer doesn't start out with the title. Once it got going I was all" Geezus, ANOTHER remake of Invasion of The Body Snatchers?!". This has to be at least the 3rd or 4th one that's been made, right?

First you had the classic..

"They're already here!!"

Then there was the laate 70's one....

(Jerk points finger at you) "Wwwwrrrroooaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrghh!"

Then there was the one with that hot chick.....

(Jerk...um....yeah I got nuthin)

I'm pretty sure there was a Roger Corman produced or some other cheapo 80's version with a different name that was the same thing, and this isn't even counting the movie The Puppet Masters which is based on Robert A. Heinlein's book that came out BEFORE Invasion of The Body Snatchers so the movie seemed like a bad "Snatchers" ripoff when really all these flicks are good Heinlein ripoffs. Kind of like when those crappy Allan Quatermain movies starring Richard Chamberlain & Sharon (ugh) Stone came out trying to cash in on the Indiana Jones action. Indy is a really, really good ripoff/tribute to Allan Q who's stories predate the Speilberg/Lucas stuff by almost a hundred years. I digress...

It get's me thinking about how many MORE versions I'll see before I croak and wondering why nobody can seem to come up with an even halfway original idea in Hollywood. M. Night Shayamanamanamanon I thought had something, but he's turned into a one trick pony. It's a good trick, but after awhile it gets old. If you're gonna remake old SciFi stuff I can rattle of a list of some flicks that would be awesome with the right people and decent money spent. Lemme get some work out of the way and I'll be right back with that list, k?

I'm bringing two sprained wrists back.

ow

I'm bringing doofus back

A post that will bring me tons of Google hits.

The guys I work with watch WAY too much porn.

Dear Minneapolis reader,

Who are you?
Why do you stop by so often ('specially since I haven't been interseting in a year)?
Is there a Maxiapolis?
Why don't the Vikings play outside and get a weather advantage in the winter, like back when Fran "The Man" Tarkenton (Yes, I have his jersey) played? Now they're a wussy dome team. Didn't you see how Indy only won it all when they made sure they played inside?
How come nobody talks about St. Paul?

Holiday Jerk

I'm alive. (Hooray or Sorry to whomever)
I took a lil vacation; got away from the world for a bit and learned words like "whomever" and how to take a stab at using a semicolon.
I'm back and not really refreshed. It would've been quite relaxing if not for housing with a clinically insane member of my family (I'm not joking) who has over the years attempted to kill both grandparents and my mom. Sleep did not come easily. The only plus really was that I was away from work. It was an odd experience to say the least.

I'm back, looking forward to posting stuff and heading to Photogirls blog to peep me some lovely "Little Bird".

Peas out,

Jerk

Blogger won't let me title posts today.

Happy Friday!

Let there be rock - AC/DC
Check it out, Angus with short hair!


The louder, the better.

You don't wanna work or whatever it is you're doin today anyway.

TERROR AT 20,000 FEET
Pt. 1 = Approx. 9mins

Pt. 2 = Approx. 9mins

Pt. 3 Approx. 2mins


Bonus: Funny, but only if you watch at least pt. 2 & 3

Cuz ees funny, no?

Q & J pt. 1

KOM was kind (twisted?) enough to hit me back with questions after I "interviewed" him on his blog. Since my "Muse" hath left me I need something to do, right? So, without further ado (whatever that is) here we go....

1) One of my best friends is getting married on 7/7/07. I think there should be an Iron Maiden song to commemorate - what are the lyrics (double plus-good points for guitar tab!)?

First, I'd like to point out that King Diamond already recorded The Seventh day of July, 1777 so the "7" thing has been done.

Nextly, your buddies wedding wouldn't get the ol' Maiden juices flowing HOWEVAH......there WAS
a historic type battle fought on this date and that would be right up Maidens alley (or lower); or perhaps I should joke that they already wrote a "wedding" song and post the lyrics to Hallowed Be Thy Name, I shant. This of course is all hypno....hippothem......make believe, so allow me to describe a Maiden tribute to your buddies impending wedded *cough* bliss.
It would be in the key of G.
It would start out with the ubiquitous Steve Harris "trotting" descending bassline (Doombitty doombitty doombitty...).
A slow building "rata-tat-a-tah rata-tat-a-tah ratat-tat-a-tah tickity TAT" would kick in
Then Paul Dianno (Yes, early Maiden would better suit this tune) would belt out a "come on YEAH!" and all Maiden-ish heck would break loose as the guitars do a nice harmonized "Dee-dah d'dah, dee-dah d'dah dee dah dee dun-uh-nuh nun-nuh-nuh" type thing. It's pretty easy to capture this for anyone that wore out the first album, "Killers" and "Maiden Japan" (I own "Maiden Greece!" on VINYL EVEN!). If you really want TAB for this gimme a few days to putter around and find my insta-tab program. Here's some lyrics set to a Phantom of the Opera/Charlotte the Harlot-ish song....

Wed or Dead?

She took your heart
You'll take her hand
You lost your head
I understand.....

But all the boys
who love their toys
think that you've gone mad.....

Don't waste your time tryin' to expliain....
All they understand is pain.......
They'll get in your head and eat your brain.....(um, this IS early Maiden we're talking about, man.)
Don't listen when they say...

then the chorus I guess, probably some join in/audience particpation thing like..

Better DEAD, than wed!
they yell..
Better DEAD, than wed!
it's Hell...
Better DEAD, than wed!
you cry...
Better DEAD, than wed!
But why?

Then the Maiden "Bum bum bummmmmm" break followed by a little mellow, interludey (I made word!), overused but warm and familiar arpeggiated b5 chord type thing...

This is where Dianno was better than Dickenson, which, to some Maiden fans is heresy to say, but true.

Oooooooooh, but you look into her eyes.....
and you know love's true....
Yeaaaaahhhhh, you look into her eyes......
and know that love's for you.......

Cuz you, you foudn out that blah blee blah blah blah...
There'd be more lovey dovey type words for a bit and then the slow building "Trot" and drum thing would start up as Paul would hold the last note out and build with the music... Yeah....love is for youuuuuuuuuu..ooooooooohh......whooooaaaaaa.......yeeeeeeeeeee-AAA-AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Do I need to go on? If you know Maiden, you get it, if not, you'll never get it.


I'll be answering these one post at a time. Here's what you have to look forward too.


2) I've read too much Sci-Fi for my poor little brain, but one thing has always stuck with me: I think it was Odd John in which a little girl was able to telekinetically remove the fluid from an all too full bladder, and release it far away. In a Haiku, please describe the sensation of your bladder being suddenly voided.

3) I've been hearing rumors about "vintage" beers; beers that are brewed with cinnamon, coriander, naked virgins sacrificed under a full moon... Simple question: Are you on board? If not, tell me how Belgian Trappist beers are the best ever tasted (kind of a personal love, you may have noticed -- but if I'm wrong, lie to me anyway!)

4) This one's for your hard-core crowd: You've always promised to detail the 'Vanessa thing'. Have time or distance allowed you to expand on the theme?

5) This is my blog, so I get more than a little leeway. Is that a word? It is now! So: Describe Lascivious Polyphony, not as it is, but as you have experienced it! That is, give me a run-down of the last several years in half-forgotten innuendo and amusing crossovers. What does the person who isn't in my brain take away from that which is Lil' Ol' LP?

What does Downtown Julie Brown say? Wubba wubba wubba.

It's Monday

Whatcha gonna do when you get outta jail?

I'm 37, is 24-25 too young for me to be dating?

I wouldn't be asking if there weren't interest from a couple girls in that age group. I'd like to know what you think cuz people younger than me seem to see no problem, people older than I don't see a problem, but people right around my age (mostly wimmins) are all "Hell no, that's a HUGE age difference!".

I don't think I can do it, even though one is really cool/HOT.
I'm still waitin to see what's gonna happen with the girl I've been dating after this whole photo-fiasco.

wtf IS that?!

So, here's the cellphone pic I was sent.



Thanks to some detective work by yours Jerkly, I have found that the phone number has belonged to two different people, one Randy Roberts and one Stephen Becker, not sure which is current. I don't know either of these fuckers. So, now I'm trying to figure out if it was a wrong number thing or if Sunspots were involved. Like I said, I texted them back asking who they were and got no answer. I'm guessing embarrassment or they have no clue they sent it to the wrong person. Since this whole thing blew up and appears to have killed my current relationship I'm tempted to post the phone number on every online thingy from here to MySpace to Trig to that message board that M.I.T.(?) has kept running since 1972.

Kids, before you send off that nudie pic of yerself make sure you've got the right number and that Orion's Belt match's his shoes.

I Have Something To Blog About!!

First I'd like to start out by booing allergies. I woke up unable to breathe and with my eyes all swollen up and gluey like. I no happy. No worky today.

NOw onto our scheduled blog posting already in progress....

"...Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk. Ha, that's a good one. So, anyway, get this..

The other night somebody sent me a pic via cellphone. Now, for some reason my cellphone is phuct and it won't show me anyone's pictures, all it does is give me a message telling me that someone has sent me one and to see it I have to go online..blah blah..here's your password....yadda yabbity blah. It's a hassle. I have the whole text/pictures thingy on my "plan" so I'm not sure what the prob is.

ANYhoo.....

I get the message, no picture, gotta get online....it does however show me the phone number. I don't recognize it. That's not too odd since I dont have anyone's number memorized anymore. I can recall a time when I could rattle off about 30 phone numbers, but thanks to my cell being able to save stuff I can't tell you anybody's digits and that kinda bugs me because I tend to BITCH about how technology is making us stupid, lazy stupidheads who are lazy and stupid. If you want to call someone from my childhood I can belt out their phone number and even do a good impression of a rotary phone "Shik! tuhduhduhduhduh-SHIK! tuduhduh-SHIK!" (yes, I'm that old), but new stuff....um...I can do that off-the-hook (hook, not heezie) sound "uuuuuuuuuuuh".
OK, I see that the pic/call was sent at about 2am and that confuses me more. I don't know the number and don't know anyone that'd be sending me a pic at 2am on a sunday night/monday morning. I get to work and do work stuff and don't get a chance to check the pic online. I ask my coworker if he sent me a pic cuz he's forwarded silly cartoons and weird pictures his buddies have sent him and he says no. Hm. Later, my buddy Reggie shows up and I ax (My chiansaw is in the shop) her if'n SHE was up that late and might have sent me sumthin even though I dont remember if she even has my number. She also says no in that oh so sweet way only Reggie can "Why the fuck would I send you a picture in the middle of the fucking night? I dont have better shit to do, like I dunno, SLEEP? I gotta send you pictures in the middle of the fuckin night..." (Have I mentioned that Reggie is Italian? She let's it show sometimes. I dont complain though cuz she can have me whacked.) OK, so Reggie is a no. Hm.
That leaves only the Pseudo-Girlfriend. She gets into work and I ask HER if she couldn't sleep and sent me a pic...nope. Hm. S'ok, I'll hop online and check it out and then I'll know.

Yeah...um...no.

It's a blurry, dark cellphone picture..of....um...an..elbow(?) and maybe...cleavage(?) or a..um..izzat a nipple or part..wait..maybe this is a knee...or..(turns head)..maybe the Arc De Triu...NO...Jimmy Hoffa's eyebrow? I can't tell what the hell it is. I've seen clearer pictures of the Loch Ness Monster taken with a Kodak "brownie" by a guy with a bad case of the "DT's" trying to stand on a pontoon boat he made out of coathangers, an inner tube and a gross of Dixie cups on a windy, overcast day.

WAIT! There's a message with the pic!

**JUST LYK LUCKY CHARMZ IM MAGICALLY DELICIOUS?a

Um...ok....everybody I know doesn't really do the whole "textspeak" and even if they DO, they don't SHOUT AT ME, CUZ ALLCAPS IS SHOUTING!! So, the pic is now definately posta be sexy/hot/sumthin. There's more though, there's music. Some latiny thing. The Pseudo-gf is a latiny thing, as am I, so NOW I'm thinkin she DID send it to me and she's just joking/messing with me. It's not her number though. Hm.

I ask her again and tell her what I got sent. Nope, wasn't her and now she's wondering who the hell is sending me that kinda stuff in the middle of the night. I tell her the truth "It's got to be Jessica Alba begging me to take her back!". For whatever reason, she doesn't believe me so I tell her that I've already checked everybody's phone number on my phone. It's a local area code so It's not the old stalker from a couple years ago, and even if it WERE, she only found my work number and old cell number and if she was gonna send me pictures of stuff you'd be able to tell what it was. Trust me. Nuthin bad, she was just a pretty good photographer.

Skipping ahead....

I'm convinced it's the P-GF, she swears it's NOT her and she's irritated that some girl is sending me n00dz of her elbow at all hours. I rememberize that the p-gf juuuuust got a new phone and still has her old one with an old number. "Ah-ha!" methinks, "I've got you and your jokin' ass now chicky!". SO, I text her daughter (The p-gf had to use my phone once) to get the old number. Nope, it's not that number either, I tell the Daughter "Thanks, I thought your mom was palying a joke on me". WTF?!? Ok, after exhausting all of the avaiable data I come to the conclusion that it was a wrong number. Out there somewhere is a girl who's embarassed like crazy that she sent a sexy/flirty picture not to her BF, but to God knows WHO! All I did was text back "Who is this?". I got nuthin back. Must be a wrong number.

I go home after work, drag my ass up to bed and take a nap and all was right, if not odd, in the world. Zzzzzzzzzz..

*FADE OUT
*
*CUT TO:
*
*Jerk wakes up from nap groggy and picks up cellphone to see if anyone called while he was sleepybye.
*
* JERK
* What the phuc....I...what the PHUC?!?



Apparently while I slept, the daughter texted the P-gf that I asked about the old number. The p-gf assumed I was, as she said "calling her a fucking liar", I've "overstepped my boundaries" (My inner 14yr old skatepunk high-fived me on that one) and then threw in a "and dont for a fucking second think that my girls don't tell me EVERYTHING, even things you tell them not to!".

OK...

SO, when I was thinking that the P-gf might be joking/flirting/messing with me and we'd all have a big laugh together when I "caught" her she was thinking that I'm a nosey, controlling, psycho nutjob who possibly is getting pervy with her daughters and telling them not to tell their mom that I touch their no-no place.

What

THE

phuc...

Needless to say, the more I tried to explain and figure out what the hell was going on things got worse. I mean, at first I was explaining my thinking and trying to calm her, but then all that shit hit me ya know? What the hell? When did all this trust bullshit occur? When did I suddenly start telling her girls "Dont' tell mommy, ok?" (Both girls are in their mid/late teens and I'm sure can spot a pervy old man and would've screamed along time ago if I was a sicko). One day I'm the bestest, sweetest, most awesomest guy she's ever met and the next I'm....geez, I dont even know?

Someone either IS/WAS messing with me or it really was a wrong number and the next thing I know, Mr. Dumbass, joking, honest, fun guy(ME)'s whole relationship goes to shit.

Odd world, hey?

So....got any cute, single friends? I promise I won't joke around or ask about phone numbers from now on , and I wont ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, evereverever, mention or open up any cellphone pics again. I learned my lesson, and you don't learn anything NEW the second time the mule kicks you.