?!

What happened?
HOw the FUCK did I wind up here?
How THE FUCK...did I wind up HERE?!
HERE?!

Geezus...

HERE!!!

Fuck.
Maybe if I had EVER fucking known what the hell I wanted to do with my life....
I have a friggin IQ that could rock your world.
People LOVE me.
I'm tall.
I have brown hair.
I'm male.
I have a deep voice.
I have light skin.
I'm not fat, nor skinny.

I have all this shit that they have researched, that SUPPOSEDLY means I should be more successful, happier, wealthier...

HOw the fuck did I wind up here?

Do you know what they have me doing?
Hm?
Copying tracking numbers off of shit and recording them into notebook. What room it went to, the tracking number and who it was from.
PERIOD.
I normally work in IT, and double check that programs ran correctly, and I also run the printers that pump out form letters and various other crap. Even that doesn't take too much brain power. God help you if the printers f-up though. I'll admit that part takes some knowhow but THIS....
Now they want me to start my normal 4am til noon shift at my office, do my normal print work and drive across town to THIS place and scribble in a book for 4hrs. They can't POSSIBLY find someone HERE to do this, they need ME to drive all over town to do it.
I feel like I'm being fucking punished.
If there are hardly any deliveries I get to just sit here. It sounds like they want to train me in all the "warehouse" stuff and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Are they "grooming" me because everybody likes me, including the guy who runs stuff now, and they want me to take over when/if he leaves....or is it more of a stick J with the shit job nobody wants. We can get HIM to do it for less money. I seriously doubt they'd promote me to his pay level. It's just not how they work. I can do the job, and it wouldn't suck, but THIS....this crap that they have me doing now....

I feel like I'm being punished. They could get a part timer to do this. A retiree who comes in to volunteer.....I feel like I'm not earning my way. Some people LOVE this crap. They come to work and spend the whole day AVOIDING work. They surf all day, talk on the phone all day, go on "break" every 10mins to have a smoke, socailize....anything BUT work. They can't find oe of those people to do this?
Look, I can be a lazy bastard. Hell, THAT'S how I would up HERE! I didn't do ANYTHING with my fuckin life....but shit, when I'm at work...I WORK. I get all my crap done and THEN I screw around. That way if the boss or whoever stops by and asks or looks around they'll see that everything is DONE. The work got done.

God I wish I knew what I wanted to do.

Geezus....

I'm working crap out, getting things in order...hell, it even looks like maybe, just MAYBE I might even wind up with the girl.....
But shit...
Does she want THIS?!

THIS?!?!

I'm shaking my funk I've been in for over a year...

Fuck.

How did I wind up HERE?

What if I DO wind up with her?
What do I do then?
"What's your man do K?"
"Oh he copies words from one piece of paper onto another piece of paper."
"Um...don't they own a copy machine where he works?"

How the fuck did I wind up here?
How do you get out when you don't know where to go?
Fuck....lately it's all...solve one problem get hit with another.....solve one problem get hit with another....no break.
Worry...worry....worry...
Panic...panic...panic...
Feel like giving up.
Get pissed and move on.
Feel like giving up.
RAGE against that bullshit....

Grandmothers heart acts up again.
Moms got this HACKING fuckin cough and won't quit smoking because "Screw it, I'm probably lready dying".
The ex's oldest daughter is going in for a heart "procedure" on Thursday and if it goes wrong she could have a stroke or WORSE.
The place I work now is the same building as the ex and she gets upset when she sees me...and OF COURSE every damn thing that needs delivered jsust HAPPENS to lead me to her. "OH, I dont know where that goes. Let's go ask Sharon". So then I have to stand there and see this LOOK come over her face....because I don't want to try and get back together...I have to see this sad/pain look for a second before she slaps on a "Happy" face. Yes, I know that I have no control over how she deals with shit, but I don't want to go out of my fucking way to make her feel worse. I don't hate her. I dont want to cause her MORE stress, sadness, pain etc.

It's like all this time that I've done nothing with my life God or Elvis or Bruce Lee or whoever the fuck....left me alone, but now that I'm really TRYING to get a handle on shit, do SOMETHING...now...NOW..he's piling shit up on me just to see if I'm serious this time. To see if I'll get distracted. Yeah...looks like it.

Shit.

I don't know what I'm rambling about.
This is stupid.
I hate days like this. Thank Odin, they're fewer and further between lately.

It's probably all excuses my subconscious is throwing at me because it's out of it''s "comfort zone". I hate this "we've seen the enemy and it's US" crap. Fighting yourself. Tiring ya know? All that "I wonder if it's even worth it" crap you start saying when you want to justify giving up. It's bullshit. Monsters form the Id. I can shake it. Hell, you just READ THIS and saw me take a turn.

Christ this is irritating. I'm telling you, I wish you could get an elective lobotomy. Just go in and tell 'em "Stab my brain riiiiiiiiight HERE". Wouldn't that be great? Go in all stressed out and stumble out a drooling moron like most of the masses. The good ol' days of the lobotomy...
I'm telling you, I bet those fuckers slept well.
No worries.
No stress.
Just blissful.....duuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh(Drool).

I bet they slept well.