Sometimes, I really don't like myself.
I am not worthy of anything I want.
I flirt and compliment to the point that it has no meaning to the one I care most about.
I joke to the point that I am no longer funny.
I am sarcastic to the point that no one believes me when I am serious.
I over-think and become introspective to the point that no one cares, not even me anymore.
I run away because I don't know what to do.
This is me, it's who I am, it is who I will be....
I have quit blogging, stopped talking to people, avoided....avoided...avoided....
I've come back, climbed out of my little world because even though sometimes I like to be alone I fear that I will die alone.....and other times I think I deserve to.
Meh.
She means so much to me, and I am so .....ME...that nothing I say or do has any meaning to her. I flirt with everybody. I joke with everybody. I tell everybdody that they are special. smart. Funny. Beautiful.
I don't.
Not with everybody.
But with many.
It just seems like everybody.
To the point where it has no meaing.
I tell the Orchid how rare and lovely it is. I go on and on about it's uniqueness and how even thought there are other Orchids it IS special for no two are alike....and then I turn to the Rose and I tell it how it is even MORE beautiful thatn the Orchid, it always will be and how it smells so sweet and lovely...something that a thousand Orchids will never, NEVER be able to.....
(I like this flower thing, I'm so gonna re-use it. It works well)
I mean them both.
I am not lying.
All the flowers are beautiful.
ALL the flowers are beautiful......
ALL of them, but this one....
God this one will never believe me.
Sure, it will believe that I find it lovely, but it will never, NEVER believe how special it is to me.
Never.
NEVER.
GOd, I think this is WORSE than lying.
My sincerity, my honesty...all the joy, truly, the joy I get from making other people, not just anybody, but truly amazing people feel good....the fact that I want them to feel good because dammit they SHOULD feel good about themselves. I do not lie when I say it. You ARE funny. Just because I know a lot of funny people does that make you NOT one of the funniest people I know?
Just because you DO have beautiful eyes, and just becasue I'm an "eye" man does that mean I'm lying to you? what if your eyes really ARE bluer than eveyrone else's?
yes, let's say that girl A has pretty eyes....she does. Period.
Do I want to look into her eyes every day?
Look over at my links.
Go down the fuckign list.
There isnt an ugly, mean, stupid, UNfunny, worthless person on that damn list.
every fucking one of those people is amazing, and special, and wonderful and good people and I am happy and proud to know them on ANY level in ANY way.
when I go to bed.
Alone.
Do I think about any of them?
When I roll over and no one is fucking there.
Do I wish for them/
When I wake up in the fucking MORNING....ALONE....STILL..AGAIN.
Do I wish it were Mia?
Crystal?
Gretchen?
Lushy?
Kara?
My ex-wife?
My ex-Girlfriends?
Jessica fucking ALBA?
Some random girl at the gas station that I told had beautiful hair?
No, it's not any one of them.
Are they all amazing women?
Yes.
Are they all lovely to me in different ways?
yes.
yes, they are.
Im not lying when I compliment them.
I'm not lying when I compliment HER.
Fuck. It's all meaningless. Everything I say. Do. It all has no meaning now. I've overdone things.
I've become some kind of fucking parody.
A fucking joke.
I've "nice guy"'d myself into a corner.
I've been swell to the point of being alone.
"Gosh, J is such a great guy. What a great guy."
yeah...great.
I'm fucking....awesome to the point of being mediocre.
I"ve complimented to the point that it's insulting now.
"wow, you've got a great smile!'
"Fuck you J, you tell everybody that. yeah...whatever J"
I'm a joke.
I'm the boy who cried "pretty!".
I'm the boy who cried "awesome!".
and now the one person I WANT to truly feel special, the one who IS more....EVERYTHING than all of you to me...
I would pass you all, walk past ALL of you, no offense, every fucking one of you if I could just HOLD her.
But since I told you that you're ____ too....
Even if you do not compare to her..
She doesn't believe me.
Can you blame her?
Fuck, I think this is worse than lying.
I did this to myself.
Maybe I deserve to be alone.
Fuck, I dont know.
Bleh.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Shocking, I know
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7 comments:
J, this may sound mean, but it's something my therapist has been trying to drum into my head, and I think it's something you need to hear.
You are NOT responsible for the way she feels, no matter what you have or have not done, said or not said.
You cannot change her reactions to things; her feelings are her feelings and you cannot do a damn thing except be you.
Make yourself happy, and if she is along for the ride, so much the better. If she cannot believe you, that says something about HER, not you.
P.S. You haven't flirted with me in over a year--just sayin'.
Hugs,
Jensy
Sounds to me like she's one of those who has to find a reason to turn aside a compliment.
It took me years not to snort in derision if Bobo said I was pretty. Now I know that you have to be able to love yourself before anything anyone else says will mean anything.
Until then.. you'll use any excuse to make it seem like whoever is complimenting you is not really.
That is how he made me feel too. The only way I believed him is when he became quiet and looked at me and stopped telling the Orchid how pretty she is.
This is your best post to date. The realest one, to me anyway.
You guys are sweet, really, but here's a thought...maybe, JUST MAAAAYBE....
I'm an asshat.
Think about it.
Just sayin.
Maybe you ARE an asshat. But I tend to agree with Jeopardygirl. You can't MAKE someone believe you or feel a certain way. They either do or they don't. I don't know anything about this girl or your situation, but I do hope you realize that complimenting other people isn't a bad thing. You probably made that random girl at the gas station's day when you complimented her hair. As long as you mean it, it isn't bad.
P.S. Now get your ass over to my blog and compliment me on my new hair!!!
wait, you mean you don't wish you were waking up with me every morning? i'm crushed ... CRUSHED ...
but seriously ....
i totally agree with jen. you can only be responsible for your own feelings. you just have to hope that eventually your persistence gets through to her before you decide to spread your niceness somewhere else.
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