prick

I can be a jerk. I can even be a downright asshole if I want to be. I can be a terrible, nasty, hurtful person to those that I feel have wronged me or my friends. If you catch me on the wrong day or push my buttons just because you feel the need to try and tear someone down when you can't build yourself up, I have been known to unleash a verbal attack that has left people in tears and shaking in helpless rage. I have a ton of pain and built up negative energy from a lifetime of confusion, rejection, not fitting in, childhood "baggage"...shit you name it. I'm one of those people that bottles shit up until finally I just can't take it anymore and god help you if you are the one I fucking go off on.....

Yet, with all this crap boiling and twisting inside me, with the sheer unbridle JOY I sometimes feel when I just...fucking.....VENT all my rage out...with all of this pain, anger, hate......self-loathing.....

I feel like the lowest, most worthless piece of shit on this planet when I unintentionally insult or hurt the feelings of someone I like. Even if I don't know them all that well, if I consider them a cool person and I see that somehow I have made them feel bad or even if I just look at what I did and maybe THEY don't see it that way, I'll....well I guess again it's that self-loathing thing.

OK, I guess LOATHING doesn't apply anymore, I feel better about who I am than I used to, but I'd say extreme self-dislike probably nails it good.

Trust me; I can punish myself better and worse than any of you people ever could.

I did it not once, but TWICE today. I thought I was joking with people and since I'm a sarcastic sunovah bitch I can deliver shit in a way that makes it hard for them to really "read" my meaning. One was online and that made me feel bad, but the other.....fuck, I got to see the change of expression, the sad look in the eyes....and I tried to spin it, even insulted myself and set it up for THEM to take a free shot, but shit, you could just see that they were hurt and really didn't even care about paying it back.

I think I just need to not talk at all. The sarcasm combined with my deep monotone...makes it hard for some to tell when I'm joking, and I know that this one person just has low self-esteem, I fucking KNOW this, and I threw out the completely wrong kind of joke.....I forgot who I was talking to ya know?

Geezus I wonder how I have ANY fucking friends somtimes.