Das Jerk

You know those WWII submarine movies where they get hit and have to surface quickly?
Lights are flashing, horns are going off, whistles wailing, people freaking out.....
"aaaarrrrrooooooooo-GAH! aaaaaaarrrrroooooo-GAH!"

That was how my day started. I got to work and all hell was breaking loose. A system gave a false alarm and everything snowballed from there.
Stupid computers.

I got it taken care of.

I rule.

The world will be around for at least one more day folks.

You're welcome.

Welcome to the machine.

Well, it happened. Blogger forced me to go "new".
What's next?
Blogger Clear?
Diet Blogger with aspartame?
Blogger Zero?

Jerk is one of us now......

FOR SPARTA!!!!!

Anyone else geeked (Greeked?) to see the movie 300?

A million years ago....I was going to be a History major in college. Like mamy people I let others mess with my head and after hearing for the....300th time that that would be a stupid/useless degree, I changed it to my second fave and was a Biology major. As it turned out, I wound up dropping out of school anyway, so it really didn't matter.

300 is based on the Battle of Thermopylae. To History buffs and military buffs it's a very famous battle. The Spartans, the Thebans, and Arcadians (which is kind of a generic term for random Greek folk if I recall) fought against the Persians. The legend is that it was 300 Spartans against a MILLON Persians. Near as anyone can tell from historical "fact" it was probably more like a few thousand versus 300,000 or more. Still damn impressive. The greatly outnumbered Spartans kicked serious ASS and phuctup the Persians like nobody's biz.

It's just a great true story of a few fighting back against overwhelming odds. Yes, the Spartans eventually fell, but not after doing some big damage to the Persian army.

Historically, the Spartans and this battle could very well be what united that part of the world and eventually led to the first democracy.

Blah blah blah......I just like the story because it riles the primitive, old school warrior that exists in all men. It's just a kickass story about some kickass guys who....um....kicked ass on a huge....kickass level.

I just hope the movie is good or I'll want to go all Spartan on somebody and....kick...ass.

For all you wussies, I think Emily Dickenson wrote a poem about the Spartans.

Um.....yeeeeaaaahh....

Man, the MacBook I was bidding for on eBay went from $268.00 to $1465.00 in 28 seconds.

Wow.

Anybody eBay a lot?
I've scored a majority of my way too big jersey collection that way. Other stuff too of course..books, music, shoes (New, not used. Everytime I say shoes people go "EEeeeewwwww!".). I just got a cool camera on there. One thing that I've never understood is when you see something bid up higher thatn you could get it from the store. Now, I know that in some cases this is a person who lives in the Yukon or some crap where you can't just drive down the street to Costco or Hel*Mart(tm), but I dont get ti when say it's something like an iPod. You can order DIRECTLY FROM Apple and get one for $250 (free shipping too)....WHY would you bid one up to $340?

I'd see this with my jersey habit...HOBBY, I meant hobby....
Anyhoo..
There's one main company that makes a bunch of "throwback jerseys" (A new jersey of an old retired player) Mitchell & Ness and they sell them $200-$450. Now ya see WHY I get them on eBay. Well, it's just like the iPod thing. You can order direct or even from a couple online authorized sellers, but you'll see people bidding it up anywhere fomr $50-100 sumthin MORE than you'd have to pay at the store.

The good thing is that you can find the opposite goin on too. "OMG! I can't believe nobody's bidding on this!!! I can't be the only person looking for a B.J and The Bear fondu pot/waffle iron set!!! Look! It's only 35 cents!!!omgomgomgomgomgomg....it's mine..IT'S ALL MIIIIINNNNEEEE! Bwah-hahahahahahahaaaaa!".

Any good eBay stories?

Dear Murphy....

You suck.

Murphy's Law decided to apply itself to my job yesterday.
Bleh.
NO, I won't go into detail.
Bleh works.

My ex-step daughters heart "procedure" went well and she's home now.
She went in earlier than expected, but 3 hrs later she was awake and joking around. They kept an eye on her for about 6hrs afterwards just to make sure there was no chance of a stroke. I guess the risk goes down significantly after the frist few hours.

Stress

ful

day

bleh

:)

Gray skies are gonna clear up
Put on a happy face
Wipe of the clouds and cheer up
Put on a happy face

Take of the gloomy mask of tragedy
It's not your style
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
That you decided to smile

Pick out a pleasant outlook
Stick out that nobel chin
Wipe off that full of doubt look
Snap on a happy grin

Spread sunshine all over the place
And just put on a happy
Put on a happy face

Gray skies are gonna clear up
Put on a happy face
Wipe off the clouds and cheer up
Put on a happy face

Take of the gloomy mask of tragedy
It's not your style
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
That you decided to smile

Pick out a pleasant outlook
Stick out that noble chin
Wipe off that full of doubt look
Snap on a happy grin

Spread sunshine all over the place
And just put on a happy
Put on a happy face

*cough*

Meh.

Good question.

"What tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this mediocrity?" - Jack Donaghy from the show 30 Rock

Dangle the carrot and misc.

Just got a call from my boss.
He mentioned the "promotion" they've brought up a couple times over the last 6mos.
I'm trying to stay positive, but man....the person who held that position retired 7 mos ago. If it were that vital and they were going to fill it, wouldn't they have done it by now?

I arrived at work and saw the Ex-wife sent me an email. She thanked me for trying to keep HER positive about her daughters heart procedure tomorrow.

I found a death metal radio station to stream.
I like the MUSIC part ok?
I wonder how much money that guy makes?
You know, the guy that growls for all these bands.
It's got to be the same guy.
40 bands from Norway and Nils "The Dark Lord of Blackdeathevilshadowyness" Blaurjurnaaargrenschlaaarge "sings" for all of them.

The Long Walk

It's as if years ago I just jumped in my car and started driving.
I just drove.
There was no destination.
I jusst drove.
There was music, and the sun and the road.....
The road....
Sometimes I floored it to see how fast I could get it to go....just to feel the speed, the wind, the excitement.
Other times I simply cruised.
Occasionally I pulled over and talk with people.
I didn't care who they were, where they came from or where they were going.
I just enjoyed the company for awhile and then drove off again.
Still no destination.
I just drove to drive.
I just drove to drive.
Then, one day.....

I ran out of gas.

I ran out of gas and found myself in the middle of nowhere.
In the middle of the night.
No one around for miles.
Nothing as far as the eyes could see......

And then I looked up.
I looked up and I saw a million stars.
A million million stars.
I saw them and I fell to my knees.....awestruck by the beauty and sheer fucking VASTNESS of it.
I fell to my knees and started to cry.
I started to cry because I saw that there was so much more..SO much more to it all than the road.
So much more than just driving.
Going.
Moving with no direction.
There's so much more and I don't know how to get to it.
So I just start walking.
I just start walking.
I walk but the stars don't get any closer.
They don't get ANY closer.
I get tired.
I get SO tired.
So fucking tired.
So I flop down and I sit and I cry again.
I cry again.
I cry and then, when I'm tired of crying....I look up again.
I look up and the stars are still there.
SO many.
So many.

So.....

I get up.
I get up and then I hear them.
Others.
I hear others out in the dark.
I hear them, and they are crying too.
I can't see them, but they're out there.
They're out there.
I hear them and I see that I have two choices...
I can keep walking....
Or..
I can lay here and cry with them.
I'm tempted.
I'm SO tempted.
The walk.....the stars...they don't get any closer.
They don't get ANY closer.
I am so tempted to just lay down again.
I want to.....
but I hear them.
I hear them and they sound so sad.
SO miserable.
Fuck, I hear them.......

So I start to walk.
I just keep walking.
It's like driving, and yet not.
The drive was nothing.
For nothing.
To nothing.
Nothing.
But the walk....
the walk....
The walk seems like I might get there.
I might get THERE even though I don't know where or what THERE is.
So I just keep walking....

I keep walking and I'm so tired.
Fuck I'm so tired.
...and the stars don't get any closer.
They don't get any closer.
They don't get ANY closer.
They don't get any closer...but when I pause....
I hear THEM again.
I hear them and i remember how it feels to lay there.
To just lay there...
I can't.
I can't.
The stars won't come to me if I lay there.
I might not get to them by walking either, but they won't come to ME.
Laying there....is worse than the drive.
looking back I see that the drive took me away from things.

So I just keep walking.
I keep walking.
I keep walking, but the stars don't get any closer.
The stars don't get any closer.

They don't get any closer.

I just keep walking......

?!

What happened?
HOw the FUCK did I wind up here?
How THE FUCK...did I wind up HERE?!
HERE?!

Geezus...

HERE!!!

Fuck.
Maybe if I had EVER fucking known what the hell I wanted to do with my life....
I have a friggin IQ that could rock your world.
People LOVE me.
I'm tall.
I have brown hair.
I'm male.
I have a deep voice.
I have light skin.
I'm not fat, nor skinny.

I have all this shit that they have researched, that SUPPOSEDLY means I should be more successful, happier, wealthier...

HOw the fuck did I wind up here?

Do you know what they have me doing?
Hm?
Copying tracking numbers off of shit and recording them into notebook. What room it went to, the tracking number and who it was from.
PERIOD.
I normally work in IT, and double check that programs ran correctly, and I also run the printers that pump out form letters and various other crap. Even that doesn't take too much brain power. God help you if the printers f-up though. I'll admit that part takes some knowhow but THIS....
Now they want me to start my normal 4am til noon shift at my office, do my normal print work and drive across town to THIS place and scribble in a book for 4hrs. They can't POSSIBLY find someone HERE to do this, they need ME to drive all over town to do it.
I feel like I'm being fucking punished.
If there are hardly any deliveries I get to just sit here. It sounds like they want to train me in all the "warehouse" stuff and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Are they "grooming" me because everybody likes me, including the guy who runs stuff now, and they want me to take over when/if he leaves....or is it more of a stick J with the shit job nobody wants. We can get HIM to do it for less money. I seriously doubt they'd promote me to his pay level. It's just not how they work. I can do the job, and it wouldn't suck, but THIS....this crap that they have me doing now....

I feel like I'm being punished. They could get a part timer to do this. A retiree who comes in to volunteer.....I feel like I'm not earning my way. Some people LOVE this crap. They come to work and spend the whole day AVOIDING work. They surf all day, talk on the phone all day, go on "break" every 10mins to have a smoke, socailize....anything BUT work. They can't find oe of those people to do this?
Look, I can be a lazy bastard. Hell, THAT'S how I would up HERE! I didn't do ANYTHING with my fuckin life....but shit, when I'm at work...I WORK. I get all my crap done and THEN I screw around. That way if the boss or whoever stops by and asks or looks around they'll see that everything is DONE. The work got done.

God I wish I knew what I wanted to do.

Geezus....

I'm working crap out, getting things in order...hell, it even looks like maybe, just MAYBE I might even wind up with the girl.....
But shit...
Does she want THIS?!

THIS?!?!

I'm shaking my funk I've been in for over a year...

Fuck.

How did I wind up HERE?

What if I DO wind up with her?
What do I do then?
"What's your man do K?"
"Oh he copies words from one piece of paper onto another piece of paper."
"Um...don't they own a copy machine where he works?"

How the fuck did I wind up here?
How do you get out when you don't know where to go?
Fuck....lately it's all...solve one problem get hit with another.....solve one problem get hit with another....no break.
Worry...worry....worry...
Panic...panic...panic...
Feel like giving up.
Get pissed and move on.
Feel like giving up.
RAGE against that bullshit....

Grandmothers heart acts up again.
Moms got this HACKING fuckin cough and won't quit smoking because "Screw it, I'm probably lready dying".
The ex's oldest daughter is going in for a heart "procedure" on Thursday and if it goes wrong she could have a stroke or WORSE.
The place I work now is the same building as the ex and she gets upset when she sees me...and OF COURSE every damn thing that needs delivered jsust HAPPENS to lead me to her. "OH, I dont know where that goes. Let's go ask Sharon". So then I have to stand there and see this LOOK come over her face....because I don't want to try and get back together...I have to see this sad/pain look for a second before she slaps on a "Happy" face. Yes, I know that I have no control over how she deals with shit, but I don't want to go out of my fucking way to make her feel worse. I don't hate her. I dont want to cause her MORE stress, sadness, pain etc.

It's like all this time that I've done nothing with my life God or Elvis or Bruce Lee or whoever the fuck....left me alone, but now that I'm really TRYING to get a handle on shit, do SOMETHING...now...NOW..he's piling shit up on me just to see if I'm serious this time. To see if I'll get distracted. Yeah...looks like it.

Shit.

I don't know what I'm rambling about.
This is stupid.
I hate days like this. Thank Odin, they're fewer and further between lately.

It's probably all excuses my subconscious is throwing at me because it's out of it''s "comfort zone". I hate this "we've seen the enemy and it's US" crap. Fighting yourself. Tiring ya know? All that "I wonder if it's even worth it" crap you start saying when you want to justify giving up. It's bullshit. Monsters form the Id. I can shake it. Hell, you just READ THIS and saw me take a turn.

Christ this is irritating. I'm telling you, I wish you could get an elective lobotomy. Just go in and tell 'em "Stab my brain riiiiiiiiight HERE". Wouldn't that be great? Go in all stressed out and stumble out a drooling moron like most of the masses. The good ol' days of the lobotomy...
I'm telling you, I bet those fuckers slept well.
No worries.
No stress.
Just blissful.....duuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh(Drool).

I bet they slept well.

Six Demon Bag!

"Terrific......a six-demon bag.....sensational."

I shit thee not, the FedEx guy that just dropped stuff off looked EXACTLY like Kurt Russell/Jack Burton from Big Trouble In Little China!
Well....except Jack would never wear that uniform.

You guys have NO idea (well maybe you do) how hard it was for me to NOT throw out a couple lines from the movie at him.


"It's like I told my last wife, I said, Honey, I never drive faster than I can see, and besides...it's all in the reflexes."

"When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."


Gracie: I'd go with you but...
Jack Burton: I know, there's a problem with your face.

Anyway.....
Great movie.
Jack Burton is the only overly cocky.....um...jerk/hero to ever come close to Ash from the Evil Dead flicks.


"Would you just stop rubbing your body up against mine, because I can't concentrate when you do that."

OK...I'm done for real this time.

"Well...you know what your buddy ol' the Jerk of All Trades says at a time like this?"

Who?

"Jerk......ME!"

Wikipedia is like crack

Todays chain of jumping around via Wikipedia:

Objectivism to Epistemology to Law of Attraction to Reality Shifts to Synchronicity to Abductive Reasoning to Belief Revision to Syllogism then back to Abductive Reasoning then to Deductive/Inductive reasoning.

My head feels....full.

Ow.

I have that frontal lobe.....ache thing.

Ow.

Adult Swim

Now, I haven't myself ever seen Adult Swim, but I gotta tell you that I've heard enough about it to know that I'd like it.
Isn't "Molotov Cocktease" the second the coolest name ever?

Yeah..I got your rising sign right here buddy.

Your Rising Sign is Cancer

You are compassionate and kind - and the one who gives security. And while you sometimes tire of it, people always turn to you for advice. Emotions are your domain, and you tend to use them for good. But you've also been known to be very manipulative when you need to be. You're quite loyal to those you love most - friends and family. For everyone else, you tend take time to build up trust.

What's Your Rising Sign?

I stole this from Binny, cuz it's what she would have done and I wanna be cool like Binny.

Pay no attention to the Jerk behind the curtain

Nowadays, the Scarecrow and I have the same problem. The Tin Man; we're totally cool.....the Lion...yeah, we're alright too, but Scarecrow...geezus dude, let me go first.

OK...

"The Girl" and I had a nice, long talk last night, and it turns out there was a little bit of miscommunication going on where one person did't fully understand what the other was say....what the...why are you guys pointing at me like that?!

DON'T YOU SHAKE YOUR HEADS AND NOD AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT!!!!
STOP IT!!

That's rude yo.
I'm right here.

You guys suck.

Anyway....

I really do need to work on making it special. I'm on it.

Speaking of special...
IF after last nights talk, she doesn't feel special.....
Let's just say that there is one service that Jerk can provide and there's only one lucky girl in this whole damn universe that's getting it right now....
If "The Girl" doesn't know how special she is to me, what she means to me, how I feel about her...then buddy, aint nobody special to no one anywhere.
(fuck good grammar.)

Now, anybody going to Northern Montana anytime soon?
I need a lift. I think I can walk the rest of the way.
I'd fuckin be willing to anyway.

Shocking, I know

Sometimes, I really don't like myself.

I am not worthy of anything I want.

I flirt and compliment to the point that it has no meaning to the one I care most about.
I joke to the point that I am no longer funny.
I am sarcastic to the point that no one believes me when I am serious.
I over-think and become introspective to the point that no one cares, not even me anymore.
I run away because I don't know what to do.
This is me, it's who I am, it is who I will be....
I have quit blogging, stopped talking to people, avoided....avoided...avoided....
I've come back, climbed out of my little world because even though sometimes I like to be alone I fear that I will die alone.....and other times I think I deserve to.
Meh.

She means so much to me, and I am so .....ME...that nothing I say or do has any meaning to her. I flirt with everybody. I joke with everybody. I tell everybdody that they are special. smart. Funny. Beautiful.
I don't.
Not with everybody.
But with many.
It just seems like everybody.

To the point where it has no meaing.

I tell the Orchid how rare and lovely it is. I go on and on about it's uniqueness and how even thought there are other Orchids it IS special for no two are alike....and then I turn to the Rose and I tell it how it is even MORE beautiful thatn the Orchid, it always will be and how it smells so sweet and lovely...something that a thousand Orchids will never, NEVER be able to.....
(I like this flower thing, I'm so gonna re-use it. It works well)

I mean them both.
I am not lying.
All the flowers are beautiful.
ALL the flowers are beautiful......
ALL of them, but this one....
God this one will never believe me.
Sure, it will believe that I find it lovely, but it will never, NEVER believe how special it is to me.
Never.
NEVER.
GOd, I think this is WORSE than lying.

My sincerity, my honesty...all the joy, truly, the joy I get from making other people, not just anybody, but truly amazing people feel good....the fact that I want them to feel good because dammit they SHOULD feel good about themselves. I do not lie when I say it. You ARE funny. Just because I know a lot of funny people does that make you NOT one of the funniest people I know?
Just because you DO have beautiful eyes, and just becasue I'm an "eye" man does that mean I'm lying to you? what if your eyes really ARE bluer than eveyrone else's?
yes, let's say that girl A has pretty eyes....she does. Period.
Do I want to look into her eyes every day?
Look over at my links.
Go down the fuckign list.
There isnt an ugly, mean, stupid, UNfunny, worthless person on that damn list.
every fucking one of those people is amazing, and special, and wonderful and good people and I am happy and proud to know them on ANY level in ANY way.

when I go to bed.
Alone.
Do I think about any of them?
When I roll over and no one is fucking there.
Do I wish for them/
When I wake up in the fucking MORNING....ALONE....STILL..AGAIN.
Do I wish it were Mia?
Crystal?
Gretchen?
Lushy?
Kara?
My ex-wife?
My ex-Girlfriends?
Jessica fucking ALBA?
Some random girl at the gas station that I told had beautiful hair?

No, it's not any one of them.
Are they all amazing women?
Yes.
Are they all lovely to me in different ways?
yes.
yes, they are.
Im not lying when I compliment them.
I'm not lying when I compliment HER.

Fuck. It's all meaningless. Everything I say. Do. It all has no meaning now. I've overdone things.

I've become some kind of fucking parody.
A fucking joke.
I've "nice guy"'d myself into a corner.
I've been swell to the point of being alone.
"Gosh, J is such a great guy. What a great guy."

yeah...great.

I'm fucking....awesome to the point of being mediocre.

I"ve complimented to the point that it's insulting now.
"wow, you've got a great smile!'
"Fuck you J, you tell everybody that. yeah...whatever J"

I'm a joke.
I'm the boy who cried "pretty!".
I'm the boy who cried "awesome!".

and now the one person I WANT to truly feel special, the one who IS more....EVERYTHING than all of you to me...

I would pass you all, walk past ALL of you, no offense, every fucking one of you if I could just HOLD her.

But since I told you that you're ____ too....
Even if you do not compare to her..
She doesn't believe me.
Can you blame her?
Fuck, I think this is worse than lying.

I did this to myself.

Maybe I deserve to be alone.
Fuck, I dont know.
Bleh.

"..into pho-tee-graphs? Wink-wink nudge-nudge...say no more."

Im thinkin about buying a new camera. A bazillion years ago I fancied myself a photographer.
Sadly, she fancied syphilis bearing sailors on shore leave with a taste for whiskey and lepers.

I however, liked to take pictures of stuff. Mostly night shots when I think the world is a bit more interesting. The freaks come out at night ya know. I want a digital slr though. I'm sick of taking fil'm to yon picture place and I don't have the space nor the time (read:too lazy) to develop it m'self even though it was kinda fun when I took a photog class. OK, maybe it was just fun to be in a darkroom with April Tightjeans or whatever her last name was.

Here's where you guys can help me. My two old SLR's were a Canon..sumthin and a Nikon....8...r....sumthin or other. They are long gone. I sold'em.
Are Nikon's still good? How about Canon? I don't know a DAMN thing about Pentax and I think Olympus/Minolta went belly up.

Gimme all your info on digital SLR's if'n you can.

Kthnx.

No, I'm just one of God's favored, not a "Chosen one". I can't just show up without a reservation like those guys.

Seriously, my name means "God's Favored".

You know how they (whoever THEY are) say that GOD only gives you as much as you can handle?
Yeah...well...he must think I'm a badass mofo baby.

I wish I had half as much faith in me as everyone else seems to.

J*E*R*K

any of you watch M*A*S*H?
Did you ever see the episode where they showed what everybody was dreaming one night when they were just overflowing with wounded?
I can't recall who's dream it was, Pierce or Winchester, but one of them keeps trying to do tricks and/or tell jokes while these guys are dying on the operating tables. People are dying all around him and all he can do is keep trying to do tricks to make them feel batter and it's not working and he's crying but keeps on doing it because it's all he CAN do until he wakes up?

That's how I feel right now.

Someone I care VERY deeply about is going through a really tough time and I feel just so fucking useless.
Helpless.
What use is being the funny guy when shit isn't funny?
When you can't make people feel better with the only thing you're kind of good at....making them feel better....

Fuck.

I feel useless.

Bang yer head

The other night when I hung out with my old GF we started doing the "Remember that time..." stuff and laughing our asses off (Don't worry, they easily snap right back on), and usually at our goofy friends. I was reminded of a bunch of good stuff that I'll tell you guys eventually when I have nothing else to write...which..um..I guess is all the time lately.

SO ANYwaaaay....

We got to the fact that we had a few sex related injuries during our relationship. For instance, the one that was the "best" was the time I broke my tooth. Yep, I broke the bottom forth of my left incisor (the top two front ones little kids want for Christmas). It was a clean break straight across. It just looked like I had one tooth shorter than the other.

Things were hot and heavy. I was on top. Very aggressive shit. I had that "I've got to kiss her NOW!' feeling and apparently at the same time, she had to kiss ME so as I was lunging down...she lunged up and WHACK!!!

...we banged our teeth together really hard. It hurt like hell for a sec and even cut my lip a bit. She was ok, but yeah...I broke a little off my tooth.

The thing we both find the funniest, is that whenever either one of us has told that story over the years, people usually say something like "Man, I bet THAT'S a mood killer!".

Um....yeah....not so much.

We just made a rule that I can lunge down, but if she felt that URGE to kiss me she had to just yank me down to her. It worked out fine after that.

Oh, and the dentist just polished the roughness off. I had to get a root canal done years later anyway so it matches the other one now.
Hm?
What did I tell the dentist?
That my Gf and I banged our teeth together kissing. I didn't say what else we were doing.

All of our other "luv injuries" were just the usual bumps, bruises, scratches (Good lord she ripped a shitload of flesh off of my back one time. I looked like a friggin werewolf attacked me! She felt bad, but a little H-peroxided and kisses made it better. Well, not really, but you know....I'm sure some of my bro's know what I'm talking about.)
She also liked it when I'd bite (THIS post is costing me the Presidency I can feel it...) the back of her neck sometimes. Hard. You know, like she'd turn her head a bit and I'd bite those muscles at the base of the skull.
Most of the time she just liked it if I grabbed her neck and squeezed it there, but she LOVED being bitten there. (I mean, If I just walked up to her, brushed her hair aside, held her against me and bit....totally friggin melty/wet for me.) All I can say is thank GOD she had really long "funhair" that covered the bruising. I don't think there is any way in hell you could explain how you got bruises and bite marks there "accidentally".

So....if you guys are brave enough, aren't shy and don't mind sharing, any good/bad/funny/odd sex injuries?

OH!
ONe bad one that we DID stop for. It was friggin pitch black that night and we didn't realize where we were on the bed and as we went to change positions in a hurry I whacked my head but good on the goddam post of her bed. I saw stars AND tweeting birds! (Roger Rabbit reference). I'm still convinced I gave myself a minor concussion.

Ok...now you.
Go.

(...and if anyone has my old blog archived on their bloglines thingy, feel free to read "Jerk @ Wounded Knees" for a lovely story about how I shredded my knees on some astro-truf like carpeting in an elevator and the ensuing FUN I had the next day.)

Choose your own adventure!

When you're transferring laundry from the washer to the dryer then loading the machine up again and Orff's Carmina Burana is blasting on your iPod, it makes it seem like you're saving the world!

I'm gonna have it playing when I brush my teeth tonight!!

BOOM BOOM!!

prick

I can be a jerk. I can even be a downright asshole if I want to be. I can be a terrible, nasty, hurtful person to those that I feel have wronged me or my friends. If you catch me on the wrong day or push my buttons just because you feel the need to try and tear someone down when you can't build yourself up, I have been known to unleash a verbal attack that has left people in tears and shaking in helpless rage. I have a ton of pain and built up negative energy from a lifetime of confusion, rejection, not fitting in, childhood "baggage"...shit you name it. I'm one of those people that bottles shit up until finally I just can't take it anymore and god help you if you are the one I fucking go off on.....

Yet, with all this crap boiling and twisting inside me, with the sheer unbridle JOY I sometimes feel when I just...fucking.....VENT all my rage out...with all of this pain, anger, hate......self-loathing.....

I feel like the lowest, most worthless piece of shit on this planet when I unintentionally insult or hurt the feelings of someone I like. Even if I don't know them all that well, if I consider them a cool person and I see that somehow I have made them feel bad or even if I just look at what I did and maybe THEY don't see it that way, I'll....well I guess again it's that self-loathing thing.

OK, I guess LOATHING doesn't apply anymore, I feel better about who I am than I used to, but I'd say extreme self-dislike probably nails it good.

Trust me; I can punish myself better and worse than any of you people ever could.

I did it not once, but TWICE today. I thought I was joking with people and since I'm a sarcastic sunovah bitch I can deliver shit in a way that makes it hard for them to really "read" my meaning. One was online and that made me feel bad, but the other.....fuck, I got to see the change of expression, the sad look in the eyes....and I tried to spin it, even insulted myself and set it up for THEM to take a free shot, but shit, you could just see that they were hurt and really didn't even care about paying it back.

I think I just need to not talk at all. The sarcasm combined with my deep monotone...makes it hard for some to tell when I'm joking, and I know that this one person just has low self-esteem, I fucking KNOW this, and I threw out the completely wrong kind of joke.....I forgot who I was talking to ya know?

Geezus I wonder how I have ANY fucking friends somtimes.

The....Phuc?!?

Coworker: You're late man. Trouble getting in? Is it getting pretty slick out there?

Jerk: No, I took Colfax in and got stuck behind some people slower than phuc-n antique taffy!

Jerk & Coworker stand with blank looks on their faces trying to figure out what the hell that means.


UM....Antique.....Taffy?
My brain ladies an gentlemen...let's give it a hand.

Antique Taffy.

Nice.

Vrrooooom Vrooooommmm

Dear Jerk reader who works for the American Honda Motor Co,

Gimme a motorcycle!! Preferably a 750.

Thanks, you're the best.

Jerk

Pictures of "Lily"

Yvonne DeCarlo has died. :(

You probably know her best as Lily Munster

Yeah, she was also Moses' wife in The Ten commandments, but I don't like to think of her that way cuz then I feel dirty.

Grrrooooowl.

DUDE.....legs.....I'm just sayin.

...and now for the mind blowing picture!


I shall explain cuz I'm sure most of you won't get the historical.....OMG-ness of this picture.
Sofia Loren, Yvonne DeCarlo AND Gina Lollobrigida all in the same place at the same time. It was like a hottie EXPLOSION! It must've been like a million-billion degrees in that room. I wonder what the average heartrate was that night?

Anyway....

She wasn't just beautiful, she was funny; and that rocked.
I'm truly sad.
When I was a kid, I LUVED the Munsters (still like 'em, but when you're a kid....well, you guys know)

I'm bummed.
:(

Hi all!

jerk is kinda lit.
I took the day off jsut cuz, adn got some random crap done that I've kinda put off for awhile.
Then I hung out with my old Gf Athena for a few hours jsut catching up adn BSing after not seeing eachother after 9yrs. It was cool. She's much happier now and with a realyl cool guy. I'm happy for her, she's an awesome person and back when we were together we were both jsut raelly messed up people. we takled about good times, bad times and currnet shit, mostly my stuff. It was jsut a good day/night.

I hope you guys are diong great, cuz dammit, you deserve it. If I like you, you're awesome people and if you like me....well OBVIOUSLY you have excellent taste in people/friends.

and remember, no matter waht you're giong through, waht bad shit might be go on, YOu CAN fix it, you ARE strong enough to handle, and get through it. You're cooler than you think. :) Trust me, I'm bordering on genius and a sexy bitch. I can sense my own kind. You rock!

Peace.

Im kinda drunk still. Blogging does NOT sober you up. jsut sayin.

:P

Blogger used to be the man, but now it's "The Man"

Well my fellow OLD Blogger users, it appears we are VERY close to being forced to drink New Blogger.
Join or stop blogging on Blogger.
You WILL be assimilated.
Resistance is futile.

If NEW Blogger didn't get a wild hair up it's ass all the time and make it so you can't comment, I might be happy about it. OK, mayne not "happy" but willing.
Meh.
I'll wait and see.

Art by Taproot

Never heard this tune before today. A buddy of mine just out of the blue loaned me this album and said "Check out track 4, you'll like it!". I don't know if this one counts as me "pulling" something into my life.

Occasionally I feel like the walls around are closing in on me
Physically I feel sometimes I need seclusion to be free
The irony at last I see reality is my perception
And my personality is my reflection

I must eliminate and change yesterday's...
Yesterday's pains, today
I must eliminate and change yesterdays...
Yesterday’s pains, today

I need to be set free from the smiles that are scarring my skin sarcastically
And cause it seems to comfort and freeze in full around me mentally
The irony at last I see reality is my deception
And my personality is my deflection

I must eliminate and change yesterday’s...
Yesterday’s pains, today
I must eliminate and change yesterday’s...
Yesterday’s pains, today

Can I make it?
I'll try!
Can I take it?
I'll try!

I’ve finally healed my wounds and healing the next thing and pouring out of me
The precious success becoming apparently a bigger part of me
I'm looking back at the things I can't remove, the past
Ok with me
The future is brighter than I could imagine it to be...

I must eliminate and change yesterday’s...
Yesterday’s pains, today
I must eliminate and change yesterday’s...
Yesterday’s pains, today

He's right. I do like it.

An Eiffel of Matchsticks

See this and more damn cool pics at Damn Cool Pics.

Nevermind

I had it last night. I had the srength. I realized that I am not weak. I am strong. I know she's scared. I am strong, and I can be strong for the both of us. I don't want to give up without trying. Not this time. I've given up so many times, not even TRIED other times....

I've just had a long day, and I've been beaten down by all the negative fucking SHIT in my life. It fucking gangs up on me. It fucking sucker punches me. Just as I see the light, a faint glimmer at the end of the tunnel, you fuckers pull me back down. well, not YOU guys. THEM.
I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up this time. I'm not quitting. If you guys want to quit or not even try for whatever it is you want....to quit smoking, find true love, self-respect, esteem, lose weight, HAPPINESS.....if you've failed before or you're scared, petrified by your own fear...I understand...just don't do it. It's ok to be scared. Just dont quit. Don't do it. Not this time. OK? Just this one fucking time let's not give up. Let's not quit before we even try. Just this once ok? Just ONCE. ONCE! Let's not give up. OK?
Don't you want to be able to say "Look! I DID this! Me! Finally, I did it! I am NOT weak! I did it!" just once?

Jsut this one time let's not give up on something, no matter how fucking small or BIG it is. Let's not listen to all the other people who gave up a long fucking time ago or never tired. Let's not listen to them, they dont know. They've never done it, why should we listen. They can be great people. Smart people. Loving people. yet, they gave up. DOnt' do it. not this one time. OK? Please. Let's be the first. SOmeone has to be the first right? Why not us? we dont have any heroes,any role models, can't that be US? Can't we be our OWN hero? Our OWN role-model and help others? Lead by example? Can't we? DOn't give up. NOt this time. Let's not give up.

jsut this once.
Just this once.

Im tired.
I'll feel better tomorrow.
A new day.

Goodnight.
;)

Even Atlas is on bended knee

Made a resolution?
Low self-esteem?
Feeling weak?
Ready to give up?
Don't even try anymore?

Meet me back here later.

Brace yourself though, it's going to be a long one.

Changes by Telsa

Changes, time's makin' changes in my life
Rearrangin', can't seem to stop the hands of time
I remember, I was so young, I was much too young to see
Now I'm older, growing older, and I see things differently
Oh can't you see, it's changin' you and me

Time's makin' changes, time's makin' changes in my life
Time's rearrangin', changin' you and me

Faces, strange faces cloud my mind
Empty traces, make it hard for me to find
Somewhere in the distance, is there someone who awaits
for that moment I am taken over by the hands of fate
Can't you see, the world is changin' me

Time's makin' changes, time's makin' changes in my life
Time's rearrangin', changin' you and me

Nothin' ever stays the same, it's always gonna change
I'm on my way, yeah yeah

Changes, time's makin' changes in my life
Rearrangin', always changin', can't seem to stop the hands of time
Can't you see, it's changin' everything

Time's makin' changes, time's makin' changes in my life
Time's rearrangin', changin' you and me

Oh all these changes

Bad news

My grandparents have been married for 64yrs. When I was doing all my talking about love, and that I don't know any "happy" couples that truly love each other, I forgot to look clsoe to home. A couple yrears ago my Gram had a heart attack. We almost lost her (I guess we DID for a few seconds). You guys....if you could have just seen the effect it had on my Gramp. My mom talks about him sitting with Gram, holding her hand and stroking it, gently stroking her forearm and whispering "You gotta come back to me...you can't go....you need to come back to me sweetheart...". Mom doesn't think he knew anyone else was in the room. Gramps is an old school, don't show your emotions cuz you're a man, kinda guy.

Anyway....

Gram apparently had more heart trouble last night, and is in the hospital. I think the thing that worries me most, the thing that bothers me is that i know, I just KNOW, that if my grandmother dies first.....when my gramdma dies, it'll kill my grandfather.

It will.

My grandfather will die, and he'll die from what you only think exists in movies or bad romance novels....

My Grandfather will die of loneliness and a broken heart.

UPDATE: (isn't it stupid when people type the word UPDATE? Like this is a friggin news break or Unsolved Mysteries shit.)
Apparently Gram is ok. She had an elevated red blood cell count. They aren't sure waht caused it. They're keeping her overnight.

I hate dial-up

Yes, I am the last person on earth with dial-up.

So, I got one of those cool new iPod Shuffles. I think they're cool anyway. I got it because part of my "plan" for the year is to take a little better care of myself. I'll be hitting the treadmill and doing a bit of weight training and I don't like the huge, Hitler Youth looking Nano armbands they have. I'd rather just clip my lil shuffle to my shirt or earlobe and go.

Well, my version of iTunes doesn't recognize my shuffle (I've named him Truffle. Get it?!) so I have to download the newer version. Since I have the pokey little dial-up it was going to take 4 HOURS!! Meh. I did a "Set it and forget it" thing so it would download while I slept. Yeah....that's how it was supposed to work anyway. Apparently there was heavy sunspot activity or maybe the Aurora Borealis was freaking out because my puter locked up at some point and didn't do SHIT all friggin night!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Stupid......mumble..grumble...phuc-n....grrrrr....

"We are all just prisoners here......of our own device."

- The Hotel California

This one's actually been bugging me for years.
Why is "Those Shoes" NOT on Eagles Greatest Hits Vol.2?
"Sad Cafe"?!?
Are you serious?
"Sad Cafe", but NOT "Those Shoes".

WHO considers Sad Cafe one of The Eagles greatest hits?

Just sayin.

Those Shoes by The Eagles
"Tell us what you’re gonna do tonight, mama.
There must be someplace you can go
In the middle of the tall drinks and the drama,
There must be someone you know.

God knows, you’re lookin’ good enough,
But you’re so smooth and the world’s so rough.
You might have somethin’ to loose.
Oh, no, pretty mama, what you gonna
Do in those shoes?

Got those pretty little straps around your ankles
Got those shiny little chains around your heart.
You go to have your independence
But you don’t know just where to start.

Desperation in the singles bars
An’ all those jerkoffs in their fancy cars.
You can’t believe your reviews.

Oh, no, you can’t do that,
Once you started wearin’ those shoes

They’re lookin’ at you, leanin’ on you
Tell you anything you want to hear
They give you tablets of love
They’re waiting for you
Got to score you
Handy with a shovel and so sincere
Ooh, they got the kid glove

You just want someone to talk to
They just wanna get their hands on you
You get whatever you choose
Oh, no, you can’t do that,
Once you started wearin’ those shoes."

My heart's name's in Jeopardy

bay-bah.
OoooooOOoOOooOoooooo.

Sweet!
I'm watching Jeopardy, and Trebek said he's changing his name to "Jerk".

I didn't know he was a fan.

What can I say, Canadians like me.

For my buddy Binny

She's a Canuck, so she doesn't know what a
Big Chief notebook is.

I wish I could find a pic of the actual paper in it so you could see how WIDELY spaced the lines were for lil kids.

Phenom Anon

Hey, I just noticed that I had it set up so Anon folk couldn't comment.
I shall fix.
Seriously, I want comments and feedback on a lot of this crap, if I didn't, I'd be sitting in bed with the covers pulled over my head and scribbling in my Big Chief notebook trying to balance the flashlight on my knees.

Dig?

My kind of town.....

Hey, anybody who reads this live in Chicago?
I've always wanted to visit the city with big shoulders.
Um....that's Chi-town right? The shoulders thing?
I blame Adventures in Babysitting and all of those Hughes films for getting Chicago stuck in my head.
I wanna go somewhere I aint never been sometime this year.
If you've been, tell me some stuff to check out if I do go.
It might be cool to see a Sox game. Yeah, Wrigley is historic and crap, but it's overdone, and 'sides it won't be the same without Ferris and Cameron.
What's the famous pizza joint there?
Uno?
Yeah, Uno would be cool to eat at. Unless it actually sucks. See! This is why I need a Chicago expert's help. Cuz, if I don't get any Chicago help I'm just gonna go to Vegas in Sept or sumthin and they only have a scaled down New York, Paris and Venice.

....and Egypt.

They even have a scaled down Vegas when you think about it. That's what "old Vegas is. Freemont street and that crap.

Annyhoo....
Chicago.
Discuss.

It's all a big Myth understanding

My dearest Medea,

Wherever you are, whoever you are....this time, I will not break my promise.

X

J.

"You've got no friends!"

I think my AOL email is messed up.
I've gotten no emails in the past 20hrs or so.
No Spam...nuthin.

I've had it where it delivered crap out of order or a day late before, but I've never gone this amount of time without even any junk mail.

Man......can I really have fallen this low on the loser chart?

Not even spammers are dealing with me?

Dude.
That's sad.

Thank goodness I'm still cute and have already had two of the 3 UNhappily married women who flirt/hit on me do just that already today.
Too bad I'm not interested, I'm kinda horny.

.....and lonely.

.....and horny.

Dude.
That's sad.

Meh.

UPDATE: Nevermind. I got my credit card payment notice! Somebody loves me!

America's Next Top Jesus!

Hey, when did Bono and Oprah start pushing for Messiah?

Old Testament.
New Testament.
What do we call the new NEW testament, and will U2 provide a soundtrack with it?

If Oprah wins, will men get the Pele treatment? (The volcano god that they sacrificed virginal boys and rum to, not the soccer/futbol guy) How much you wanna bet the ____ Testament makes the book club?

If Bono wins, do we all get to fight over lil shards of his sunglasses so we can wear them in tiny flasks of "Holy Guinness" around our necks?
Do we kneel and recite "Pride (in the name of love)" before we lay us down to sleep?

Just askin.

MWUAH!!

YES! Ayn....AYN you sexy bitch you!
If only I'd listened to my 6th grade english teacher and read The Fountainhead.
Phuc.
AYN!
You're right Nietzsche was smart, but he didn't even see his own shit in the right light.
Phuc.
AYN!
"The attack on "selfishness" is an attack on man's self-esteem; to surrender one, is to surrender the other...."

Ayn....geebus...Ayn, you get me, or rather i get you. Finally, I found someone, a respected brainy type, who thought of all the same shit I've been grappling with lately. I'm NOT alone. I'm NOT just imagining shit.

"In popular usage, the word "selfishness" is a synonym of evil; the image it conjures is of a murderous brute who tramples over piles of corpses to achieve his own ends, who cares for no living being and persues nothing but the gratification of the mindless whims of any immediate moment.
Yet the exact meaning and dictionary definition of the word "selfishness" is: concern with one's own interests."

"Altruism declares that any action taken for the benefit of others is good, and any action taken for one's own benefit is evil."

"If you wonder about the reasons behind the ugly mixture of cynicism and guilt in which most men spend their lives, these are the reasons: Cynicism, because they neither practice nor accept the altruist morality - Guilt, because they dare not reject it."

Ayn....

Thank you.
I'm not insane; and even if I AM at least I'm not alone.

I'll be sure to post something silly or shallow soon just to balance things out k?
Not for you, but for ME; and by doing so, we all will benefit.
Get it?

Mo' tunes

I keep forgetting to tell you abuot some music.
If you like 80's girl popish stuff ala Berlin, Blondie and Missing Persons, then check out The Sounds. "Song with a Mission is the single off the newest album. I think I like their first album a lil bit better, but it's all good stuff. :)

Also, if all those girl lead bands are cool to ya, or, if you just like really HOT British chicks, give Client a listen too. Did I mention they're hot? My buddy Mike's supposed to hook me up with their awesome live cover of Billy Idol's White Wedding (I think it's White Wedding). If you like 'em, when I score it I'll hook, you up.

Did I mention they're hot?

GEEBUS! MORNINGWOOD! How could I have forgotten Morningwood? You guys prolly know them already.

OH, and through the Morningwood page you can find ROCKET. If you like The Bangles or The Go-Go's you'll like ROCKET.