While you're watching yer balls drop.

I want to wish all of you the best.
May this new beginning bring you everything you need and leave you not wanting more.
Happiness.
Peace.
Love.
The best.

Happy New Year!!

P.S. Don't forget to wear red undies tonight for love and good luck in the new year. What? It's a latin thing. We're sexy. Trust us. Wear red tonight.

Deedle

DUUUuuuuuuunn..
DUUuuuuuuunnn....
DEEEerrrnnnnnnn..Duuuuuunnnnnn.....

Dun unt.

Deedle deedle deedle......waaaaaaaaah.

Dun dun dudundun...duuuuunnnn.

DUN. DUN. deedle dee DUN....... DUN. DUN. deedle dee DUN.

DUN. DUN. dit deedle deedle deedle...dit deedle deedle deedle...dun dun....dundundun...dit deedle deedle deedle..dit deedle deedle deedle...dit dun dun DUNDUN.......waaaaaahhhh.
DUNT!

(cool break)

(twice as fast!) Deedledeedledeedle dit. Deedledeedledeedle dit. Dun dun....deern dundun. Deedledeedledeedle dit. Deedledeedledeedle dit. Dunt dun un un deern.... Deedledeedledeedle dit. Deedledeedledeedle dit. Dun dun....deern dundun. Deedledeedledeedle dit. Deedledeedledeedle dit.....deedledeedle........weeeeeeuuurn WAH!

(repeat x3)

Dit...dit....dit....dit.....dooooooooooommmmmmmm.

(wah-ah-ah-ahahahahaaaaa echo-y thing in the background)

(end)


Thanx.

A is A J is J

First, again, I am NOT going to kill myself. Sometimes I just do these kind of garbage dumps where I empty out, vomit if you will, all the negative energy/bullshit out of my noggin. I mean nothing by it other than to get it out. I'm sorry, truly, if I scared anyone. I'll try to just do it the old fashioned way, pen and paper, and then look back upon it shaking my head and then tearing it up. I binge on deep thought and grapple with "existence". Sometimes it piles up and I need to purge k? Please don't worry. God made J and saw he was good, said he was good and J was swell like to warm the cockles of yer heart.

Unless, I'm writing one of my "erotic" story's. Then, apparently, I warm something lower.

Now....

I need to stop over-thinking things. Which is VERY difficult for me to do. I need to stop it though. I don't impress anyone with my "Deep thoughts" and all I do is get a headache.

To: J. Frost c/o Captain Morgan Party Island, Carribean

Dear Jack,

While I appreciate getting free days off of work (Like today. Woo hoo!) hitting us (Denver) with two (and it looks like a 3rd on Saturday) Blizzards in a row is a bit much. I'm not sure what we did to piss you off, but hey man, you and I have always been cool right (COOL! Get it?! Ha!)? Can't you cut back just a lil? Hm? Remember that time in Vegas when I told you to show off your ice scuplting skills to those showgirls and help out that club when their icemaker went down? Remember the Coffin sisters? Dude, seriously man....take it easy on us (ME) this weekend. We go way back, and you kinda owe me one.

Thanks,

Jerk

P.S. OH, and don't forget who hooked you up with all those "cold shoulder/and my old lady calls ME frigid!" jokes.

Goody

We're getting more snow today thru tomorrow.
18 to 30 inches (45 to 76cm) with up 45mph (72kph) winds.

Goody

You guys cheat!!

Apparently some of you abuse your internet/blog power an dread posts that I deleted. I'm not sure HOW your "favorites" or whatever does that or WHY but that's cheating. Maybe I changed my mind and don't want you guys to know that I liked K'Feds album. Maybe I'm not comfortable with you guys know I've got a thing for Marlo Thomas during her "That Girl" gig. MAYBE.....you guys don't want to hear about the penis transplant story I read about on AOLnews? (Yeah, no sex for me for quite awhile. shudder) Maybe I delete stuff for a REASON.

Just sayin.

Now, one post that I DELETED, was very, very, very, very, veryvery, VERY dark with the sarcasm/cynical/gallows humor and scared the shit out of a couple people. I'm sorry. Mainly, it was because I mentioned the suicide thing. The few of you who read it (shit maybe ALL of you read it), will probably recall that I told you a lil secret. A secret that up until that post only two people in this world knew. YEARS ago, while a sad and angry teenager, I unsuccessfully (obviously. I think) tried to kill myself. I'll shorten it so's not to bore you. I tried to hang myself. You know, I think I might have posted this and deleted it off of my old blog. Hm.

*ahem*

It was a dark and stormy night.....

Actually, it was summer. Lovely weather really. They were building new houses a block or so away. I had some nylon cord. I went and stacked some stuff up, threw the cord over a ceiling beam, stepped up on the crap, tied a loop around my neck while trying not to fall (didn't want to get hurt before I kill-did myself I guess.), and then stepped off.

There was a slight yank. It hurt and there was a bit of rope burn......but..um....no Grim Reaper. Nope. Instead of a lovely (gruesome?) snap and darkness there was pain like a stiff neck and me........standing on my toes like an idiot tied to the ceiling.

That's right. Your buddy Jerk didn't bother to check rope length. Didn't apply geometry and such. Stay in school kids.

So......

I stood there and felt stupid. I stood there on my toes, trying not to fall over...trying to figure out how to get LOOSE and I started to kind of laugh at myself for being an idiot.

Nylon cord stretches kids. If you can just step up a little on some other crap around you after your James Bond type arch enemy leaves you for dead (after he bores the shit out of you with the damn "I win, you lose/The world is MINE/ BWah-hahahahaaa" speech of course), you can work yourself free. You can work yourself free and ride your bike home in the middle of the night feeling like a jackass, stop at 7-11 to get a Cherry/Coke Slurpee(tm) and then go home and watch some crappy movie on late night, PRE-500 channels free tv (Jan-Micheal Vincent!), rubbing your neck and still feeling pretty fucktardish. Asshole.

I swore that no matter HOW down I got, that I would NEVER do that shit again. So anytime I mention it, if I do again, know that I'm just talkin out my ass/sarcastic/dramatic crap and just ignore me or better yet, remind me of my bordering on a plot for a new Pauly Shore/Stephen Baldwin movie, dumbass suicide attempt. K?

I won't though. I won't joke about it unless it's BLATANT like if someone actually steals my McCaughnahaunahanahey, DiCaprio and Sharon Stone (shudder) movie (nightmare) idea and makes it a reality and I say "I'd rather kill m'self than see that movie!".

Just to explain, not that I really NEED to, but all 3 of those "actors".....ok, McCaughahauhnahey is a decent actor, DiCprio has gotten better (that aint sayin much) and Sharon Stone should not be considered an actor by any stretch of the imagination...all 3 of these "actors" get paid a shitload of money, have gotten LEAD roles (REPEATEDLY) and NONE of their movies make money. Matthew Mc_____hey, seems like a really cool guy, and he was excellent in A Time To Kill and will always be remembered fondly for Dazed and Confused, BUT his movies flop. BIG TIME. He has NEVER had a hit movie. Never. In fact, like with SAHARA, his flicks LOSE money, yet he keeps getting lead roles and tons of money. I'm not sure if it's just that he picks crap to do or what, but Matthews movies flop. He aint no Keanu Reeves who with limited "acting" ability has SEVERAL blockbusters under his belt. NOw, I like Keanu, but he's NOT a great actor. He's Keanu in everything and that's ok because he picks shit where being "Keanu" WORKS. You think John Wayne was on par with Olivier? SHit no, but he found a way to make being "John fuckin Wayne" WORK for him. (The Duke rocks by the way. True Grit baby...True Grit and the Searchers). I think Mc___hey needs to get someone else to pick his scripts and then I won't box him with the other actors I mentioned. Yes, they're actors with tons of money, but if it were ME, I'd rather be a fan favorite, decent living making B-movie guy (Jan-Micheal Vincent!) or charater actor guy than a multi-billion dollar box office floppin dude (Ben Aflac. another swell seeming guy who keeps getting lead money/roles even when his flicks BOMB, and yet ANOTHER Dazed and Confused alumn).

I'd rather be Jeff Goldblum than McC___hey, but that's a given, and some would say I'm already pretty much Jeff Goldblum.

Just without the money or the fame.

Actually I wanna be Chow Yun Fat (The Killer and Hardboiled version not the "Hollywood" bullshit version) when I grow up, but I don't think that's happenin.

Well...THIS was an odd post.
You can't get this shit anywhere else folks!

Aren't you glad?

You member...member?

'Member when I was funny?

Maybe not you new guys, but a few who read my old blog over the course of the 2 1/2yrs I had it(all gone....I deleted the whole fucking thing...) might remember that there was a time and yeah, I'm gonna pat my own fuckin back here, there was a time when I was friggin HILARIOUS. I forget that even when I was down, I was still kinda UP. More up than lately anyway. It's not until someone "finds" my blog through someone else's old post, through one of my comments that I see "Holy shit....what happened to that guy? When the fuck did I become so godamn-ed (gah-dam-ED) serious?".

Case in point, by checking my stalker counter at the bottom of my bloggie, I found this comment I left on Mia's (Check linky-do's to the right) blog when she wrote about spontaneous hot sex.

Jerk Of All Trades Said:
on January 12, 2006 at 2:30 pm

You lost me with the cold marble tiles.
That's a make or break Mia, I'm sorry, it's over.
No, no don't cry. You'll eventually get over me and you won't even remember my name. There might be a haunting memory that overtakes you at odd moments, but you'll be ok without me.
Perhaps in another time...another place..we could..um I'm sorry, could you please not bend over like that when I'm talking to...uh..wow, those are really nice legs I..uh...what was I talking about?

Wha happen?!?


On a completely unrelated note...

The remake of The Fog...
Yeah...
It sucks.
I keep waiting for Clark Kent to kick ass.

Dear Hollywood,

If John Carpenter nailed it the first time, dont fuck with it. This goes for Halloween too. Don't get me wrong, Rob Zombie is the man, but Halloween......dude that's like getting John Grisham to rewrite Green Eggs & Ham. Sure, he sells a ton of books, but c'mon man....don't fuck with genius achieved m'k?

Kthx,

Jerk

P.S. This includes letting Carpenter redo his own shit. Just say no. Escape from LA? Ugh. I could've made a crappy remake of Escape from New York for a 3rd of that money and if ANY of you asshats even THINK about trying to top The Thing.. I'll....I'll....I'll curse you with a trilogy starring McConaughey, DiCaprio and Sharon Stone. Yeah... See if THAT fucker will make any money at the box office. Shit, I might even throw in a Affleck cameo for good measure.

The Pull

I know this is going to sound crazy, but if you've been here awhile you should expect no less from me.
Off and on I've noticed that I can "pull" things into my life. It only seems to happen when I'm "positive" or under a SHITLOAD of stress. It might not sound too weird because I've met at least two other people that can do it, and I THINK that in one of the blogs I read somebody said they've noticed it happening to them. Now, the thing that makes it not coincidence, is the fact that I/we can "Call our shot". If I'm in the right "mood" (I know other way of putting it), I can picture something, or maybe something will just pop into my head for no reason and within the next 24-72hrs it will show up. I've "pulled" phonecalls from people. I've recently "pulled" a friend I haven't talked to in 8yrs into my life again. Actually, just about every close friend I used to hang with has contacted me ot of the blue or I've "found" them. All of them, ALL of them have mentioned "That's funny, I was JUST thinking about you the other day.". kind of crap. Lately I've "pulled" books into my life. ONes I've been looking for forever, and ones that just happen to be EXACTLY what I'm going through.

Odd ones have shown up too. I woke up the other day with the the image of an easter egg or a Faberge egg in my noggin. Three days later my mom gives me a book she thinks I'll like and within the first 20 pages they mention a faberge egg. Which is really odd, because the book doesn't have damn thing to do with Faberge eggs really.

Lately, as you can guess, I've been trying my damndest to "pull" HER into my life. Visualizing her. Sending positive thoughts and wishes of strength her way. I don't think it's working though. In fact I think the more I TRY the more she pushes me away.

I've had a lot of weird things happening lately. The other day I awoke and was angry at HER. I was so tired of this, ready to just give up on her, on US. Those were my exact thoughts. "That's it! I'm fucking DONE. As much as I hate to say this, I'm fucking done. You want to give up on YOU...FINE. I'M giving up on you TOO dammit!". I sit down and turn on the TV, and I shit you not, there's this kid on the screen and he says "Don't give up on me.". Several kids, one right after the other "Please don't give up on me. Don't give up on me.". I don't even know what the hell the commercial was FOR. I haven't seen it before OR since that day. The next day, I'm still feeling like giving up right so as I'm getting ready to write a pissed off email my mom's flipping channels and wherever she stops this guy says "I can't believe you're just going to walk away like that. Don't you even care?".

WTF?

This can only mean one thing.

I've lost my friggin mind.

ANYYYYYway.....

I've been trying to find the theme song to this TV show "Now & Again" (did anyone else beside me watch that show?). I've had no luck. Just about an hour ago I foudn it on MySpace. The lyrics are similar to what's been going on.

CLICK THIS and select "Gimme a sign" on her music player.

Odd hey?

I'm an IDIOT

Well, as you've read over the past weeks, nay months even, I've been all up and down and all over the fucking place mentally and emotionally. I figured it out. I've been sucked into "The boy who cried wolf" or something sickeningly similar aaaaaaand it's my own fault.

Yep.

Sad soul: Help! Help! My life sucks. Oh the pain! GOd, Im so fucking miserable! I don't know what to do! HELP! Please help!!

Jerk: Hey, I think you're great and I've been in pain and down before and if I can get out of it, you can too! :) What's wrong?

Sad soul: Huh? What do you mean? OH all that yelling? Yeah, nevermind. Things aren't anywhere NEAR as bad as I made them sound. Everything's good. Thanks though.

Jerk: Oh....ok.....well then, um, I still think you're cool, awesome really so if you need any help feel free to hit me up. :)

A little time goes by...

Saddy: OOoohhhh Fucking misery. GOd I feel SO alone. Help! I"m living a fucking LIE! My life is a LIE!! How the fuck did this happen?! How did I allow this to happen?! I feel so helpless! (Sob)

Jerk: It's going to be ok. I'm here. I want to help you. There's no need to feel that way. You can get out of any bad situation. I.....I want to help you. GOd, you're so amazing and wonderful. Let me help you.

Saddy: What bad situation? Everythings ok. In fact, I can't believe how good I've got it in comparison to some people. I've got everything I need really. I'm happy. Happy enough anyway. I'm not lonely. I've got friends, and my son and this really decent guy in my life who's just a bit misunderstood. I'm just being selfish.

Jerk: Oh....ok......um, but you said..

Sad: I was exagerating. Don't worry. You're a really great guy Jerk, and maybe in another time or place we could...I don't know.

Jerk: Another time and place? Um...if everything was ok, why would you be sad all the time and then telling "Maybe in another time and place"?

Sad: Huh? OH that....nevermind. Just talkin out my ass. LOL no biggie. Forget about it.

A little more time goes by....

Sad: HELP!!! GOd my life SUCKS! Help me please. I'm trapped! I don't know how much more I can take! Please help me!! I'm scared. God, I am SO scared. I need, I NEED to do something!

JerkDumbass: I'm here! I'm always ready to help. You're so beautiful and amazing. There's no need for you to be in so much pain. I'll take care of you. I just need to get some of my shit together. I've been down for awhile but you're so amazing, I want to fix myself and then see if maybe we can have somethng together. You're not happy. You're in pain and you can fix that. I'll help and when you DO we can see if maybe we...

Sad: Nononononono.....what are you talking about? You're great guy. Really; but I'm ok. NO pain going on here. Things are ok. I'M ok. I'm going to stay here and everything's going to be golden. :)

JerkShmuck: Oh. :( OK. You sure seem like you're really not happy. I'll leave you alone th..

Sad: NO! Don't go! OK....maybe I'm not as bad as I say, but I'm not good either. IN fact, when I thnk about it. I'm really fucking FAR from great. Don't go. I like you, and when you're not around I miss you.

JerkPathetic loser: Well I like you too. A lot actually. I"ll stick around and if you DO need help I"ll be here. :)

Sad: Ok. Thanks Jerk. I....I need someone. I'm so sad and lonely.

JerkDoofus: I don't want you to be sad. Can I hold you? I thn you need to be hel..

Sad: FUCK NO! God no! I'm ok. Everything is going to be ok. I'm just being selfish. All the thimgs I've said are blown WAY out of proportion. I'm ok. Just........don't...don't leave ok? Please?


Over and over and over again.....

Jerk gets angry at the situation. Jerk gets angry at the guy. Jerk gets angry at "Saddy". Jerk cries because he can't help. Jerk feels ok because it's not as bad as they made it sound. Jerk gets sad again and cries because this person is miserable. Jerk is trying to be cool with things and leave her alone because she says everythigns ok. Jerk gets depressed because she says things AREN'T ok, she's just making excuses for "him" and the situation. Jerk feels happy and ok because she's going to fix things and move on. Jerk feels miserable because now she says things are even MORE fucked up, but she's going to stay no matter WHAT!! Jerk is angry/sad/depressed because he finally WANTS something, finally KNOWS what he wants....this amazing woman, but she, and this I thnk is what hurts Jerk most, she'd rather be miserable/"Everything's fucking AWESOME!!/miserable again than be with him. Ever.

Up
Down
Backwards
Forward

All the while not leaving.
Not her.
Not Jerk.
Not the situation.

Up
Down
Backwards
Forward

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I'm sad.
I'm happy.....

I'm an idiot.



I try to hate her.
I can't.
I try to help her.
I can't.
There is no problem.....wait....
Now there is.
No...nevermind.
Go away.
PLEASE STAY!!
I'll leave.
NO!
I'LL be the one to leave.

I can't.
I can't.

I'm an idiot.

I don't want to give up.
There IS a problem.
It's NOT getting better.
Ignoring it, for you kid, for ANY reason, is NOT a solution.
I.....
Ache.
I'm confused.
I'm all over the fucking place.
I want to LIVE!
Live and grab this world by it's fucking throat!!
I feel powerful!
I cannot be stopped.
I will NOT be stopped.
What I want WILL be mine!

Im an idiot.

I'm hopeless.
Helpless.
I'm sad.
I'm jealous.
I'm angry.
I'm depressed.
I"m suicidal.
I'm a fool.
A romantic, stupid, fool.
I'm a fucking JOKE.
I have nothing to offer anyway....

But then.....there's hope. I see a glimmer of hope. If I work hard enough. If I don't give up. If I dont give up on her. If I dont let HER give up on her....it CAN happen! It's worked out for others. If they can do it....

But then....it's all shit again.

Up
down
backwards
forward

over and over and over again...

I'm an idiot right?
I AM an idiot.
Right?

Then how come.....no matter what..after I calm down...after all this SHIT, I still have this deep, DEEP, weird feeling that everything's going to work out and we WILL be together? WHY do I feel that we will be together it's just going to take time?

It's because I'm an idiot right?

Thanks..

to my virtual buddies that sent me an E-Christmas card, you're WAY too cool to me, and thank all of you guys for reading my silly blog.

Have a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

Huzzah!

Through the power of positive thinking and more importantly positive ACTIONS in my life (ahem...yeah, and I guess a lil help from the blizzard) I have managed to score ANOTHER free snow day off from work!

I rock!


SEE! If you guys would just believe in yourselves, you too could be having a 5 day weekend absolutely free!

(Yes yes, I KNOW the blizzard helped. Sheesh, you guys always focus on the negative. No wonder you're gettin frowny lines already. Just sayin :P )

You were wrong

Dear Kierkegaard,

I thought you got it. You fooled me. I read a few quotes and a bit you wrote on love and I thought you got it. I thought I had found someone on the same page. I thought that yes, you saw the pointlessness of all this, but embraced the beauty, the joy but instead I found you were simply a sad, pathetic fucktard. All you did was wallow in your mire of self-loathing. YOU let the woman you loved, the woman you COULD HAVE been with, marry another man, not because you felt unworthy (although I'm sure that was part of it), but because it allowed you one more thing to get depressed about, one more thing to BITCH about as you "Boo hoo...it's all fucking pointless"-ed yourself to sleep every fucking night. How truly sad that you didn't even believe your own bullshit when it came to love. Fuck you. Fuck YOU, Nietszche, Sartre......fuck all of you who sat or sit and do nothing but wallow in your pain. FUck you.

I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT ANYMORE!!!!

DO YOU HEAR ME!!

Fine, you want to, go right ahead. Cry, moan, SOB about the fucking pointlessness of all of this, the non-sensical RANDOMNESS of the universe. Scream at a God you fear isn't there, yet desperately hope IS there. Bitch about how the great IS doesn't listen to you, answer you, alllows bad things to happen....

Sit and roll your eyes at those who sing, dance, and LOVE all around you while you yell "What the fuck are you so happy about?! Can't you see it's useless? It's all fucking POINTLESS?! You fucking IDIOTS! HA! You foolish, foolish souls! HA!". Do it! Shake you head at them as they live in the light and you shiver in the fucking shadows to afraid to step into the warmth becasue it's "Pointless". How fucking pathetic you are!! I was YOU! I can't believe I wasted so much of my fucking life like YOU. Afriad. Worried. Curled up in a fucking ball sobbing about how unfair life is, how there's no meaning to it. NO MORE!!! There IS meaning you fuck. It's the meaning you MAKE. Whether there is a GOD or not, the MEANING of life is what you WANT IT TO BE!! Pout, cry, BITCH all you want! You WANT pain? Fine, take it. EMBRACE YOUR FUCKING PAIN! Hug it, kiss it, tuck it in a night and stroke it's forehead "Goodnight my love.....I'll see you in the morning and you'll be bigger and stronger and even harder for me to deny". DO IT. If it's a sad, painful life you want then that's what you'll HAVE. YES, there is no point to this. There is no justice, no fairness....Bad things DO happen to good people and vice versa, but you can control some of it. YOU have total control over how YOU live, how YOU react. Fuck you Soren Kierkegaard you sad fuck. You deserved to die alone (and don't we all) because it's what you WANTED.

"Boo hoo....no one understands me. I'm so smart and I have so much to offer but it's all pointless...blah blah blah".

What a fucking waste.

The point is to be YOU. To live for YOU. To do what YOU want. Yes, to be selfish and in your selfishness you spread happiness, joy....LOVE. You take care of your child out of LOVE, not because you HAVE TO. YOU feel joy when you do it. You love your child whether they want it or not. You hug them whether they want it or not. You do it for YOU and they benefit. If you live your life for YOU, you will be happy and happiness ripples outward throughout the lake, the ocean, the universe. I see it now, i GET IT, but I can't seem to find anyone else who truly believes. I hear some saying it, but truly, since I am not THEM, I will never know if they BELIEVE. I can only know ME. I can only control ME in all this universe. I cannot think for you or as you. I cannot love for you, laugh for you, dance or sing FOR you...I have to be selfish. I have to be ME for it's all that I have, all that I truly OWN in this entire universe, this entire reality.....all I have is ME. NOne of this matters, but ME and it's the same with YOU. YOU are the center of YOUR universe. YOU control every fucking aspect. You wonder how so many "evil" poeple get away with so much, how they get power, how they seem to get all the GOOD things while you have NOTHING? Because they fucking went after them! They got up off their ass and said "THAT'S MINE!" and grabbed the fucking thing without any worry as to how YOU'D feel. They are SELFISH to the nth degree. YOU, you as the GOOD person, you could just as easily jump up, knock them on their ass and yell "NO! That belongs to ALL of us!", but noooooooooooo, you'd rather whine about how un-FUCKING-FAIR it is!!!

WAKE THE FUCK UP!!

Wake the fuck up sad, lonely people! The thing that's keeping you sad and lonely is YOU. Look in the fucking mirror, it's YOU that's keeping you where you are. I know because I was there! I was the fucking POSTER BOY for doing nothing but wallowing. "Boo fucking hoo...poor poor ME.".

You enjoy it, YOU keep doing it and LOVING the fact that you know the secret "shhhh....it's all pointless. We should all just kill ourselves because there's no reason to be here, no MEANING to any of this. I'm smart, and I get it while you don't because you're an idiot who finds joy in watching reality TV. That's so STUPID that you like that. You shouldn't LIKE anything because the universe SUCKS. I'm not happy, so I'm going to SHIT on you and ANYTHING that gives you JOY. I know the secret. This is all pointless." Make love to it, fuck your sorrow and pain like the dirty little whore it is. Do it. Embrace it and yet STILL find no joy in the love of your own pain. Sadness and pain begets sadness and pain....it never ends. There is no joy, no love there, but it's what you want or you'd change it. You can change it as easily as flipping a fucking switch but you choose not to.

I was there. I know how it is, but I'm tired of it. I'm SICK of it. NO more! NO fucking MORE do you hear me?!

I'm so fucking tired of the sadness. SO fucking TIRED of the pain, the darkness.....the loneliness...
Tired of being like a small child too afraid to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night because I imagine all sorts of demons waiting in the darkness to devour me, so instead I shiver in a pool of my own fucking PISS til morning and punish myself for being such a coward!

There are no demons, unless I want there to be. I am not a coward unless I believe myself to be one.
I think therefore I am, and such is life.
I will not create a dark world.

I'm sick of it.

Yes, my dear Kierkegaard and fellow existentialists, you were halfway there, but you failed to push through your own bullshit and walk through the door, you preferred to peak around the threshold and laugh at those who stepped into the light.

You know what?
Those people....those FOOLS as you see them, you know what they do?
They LIVE. They LOVE. They LAUGH. They do all those things. They have children and pass those gifts along to them, and then....then those poor fools die, just like you, just like we all do, but, and here, in this case Soren and your fellow wallowing, painmongers, here the jokes on YOU for those people went through the same pointless existence and died HAPPY. Even their mourners couldn't be sad for long, for they remember all the JOY of those peoples lives.

Die sad and broken cursing an unfair world if you want, but I'm going to follow the fools from now on, for at least if nothing else, they're having a much better time waiting for death.

Solar

Thousands upon thousands of stars shine in the night, none are as bright as you.
They dance about the sky in complex patterns of clearly drawn or vaguely hinted at beauty.....none are as bright as you.
They burn with fires that light the way to worlds only dreamed of....none are as bright as you.
Numbering millions they twinkle from every direction both night and day, but even with all their glory and raging power combined....none are as bright as you.
With eyes closed, I turn my face towards you.....your warmth caressing me and filling me with hope.
For a moment you feel as if I could reach out and touch you, soft and golden, reach out and barely brush you with my fingertips......and I smile.
For a moment I dream that I am up there, floating with you, embracing you and adding to your light....looking down and shaking our heads at all the sad and lonely people who do not need to be cowering in the cold of self made shadows.....and then I open my eyes and I am brought back to reality.
You are far away, so very far away and I am like Icarus with broken wings.
Tomorrow you will return, warm me again, and who knows what else the new day will bring?

Thousands upon thousands of stars shine in the night, none are as bright as you.

Still mo' friggin snow

The closer bit of dark red (It's red honest) is my car.

If you look at the previous posts, you'll see that there's a fence that goes under the tree out to the curb. It's there still trust me.

It's hard to tell with this pic, but that's about 2 1/2 to 3ft (76-91cm)of snow from the "yard" to the bottom of my door and it goes all the way out to the street. The 10yr old boy that lives within me is DYING to just LEAP off the step into all that snow and I'm damn tempted to let him. Maybe later I'll bundle up and take a stroll to get better pics.

Mo Blizzard

Only 4 more hours and we should be done.

Blizzard in Jerkitania

This first one was taken around noon.

3 1/2hrs later.

Your choices were blue or BLINDING retina frying white. I was TRYING to get a good enough shot to see the depth on my neighboUrs roof.

I took one out my back door to give you a better idea of how much we have so far.

The table on the left shows the depth perfectly. We should get an additional 10-15inches (25-38cm) by noon tomorrow.

Apparently the entire state of Colorado is shut down.

SNOW DAY FOR JERK!!!!
:)

Baby, it's cold outside.

Spontaneous Story #3!

I answered this add in the paper about a study down at the local community college. Did you know that some of these things pay as much as $50 for just a couple hours of testing? Shit yeah, that's good beer money baby. So I get there and after they kinda fly me through the paperwork, some legal shit to protect ME they said, I get put in this room with this REALLY cute chick who asks me to take my shirt off (Sweet!). So I'm thinkin this is some sex test or whatever right? She starts shaving little patches of my chest hair off and putting these little electrode things on me. Right....ON! Kinky shit! Nope. She hooks the wires up to this weird box on a cart and has me shuffle/wheel it in with me to the next room. For the next 3hrs I played Monopoly with some guy named Eric and 4 chimps. Now, at first it was tough to get the chimps to settle down and actually play, but once they were fed it was easy to get them to grasp the rules. All hell almost broke loose though when Eric and Kiko got into a friggin fight over who was gonna be the fucking car. I was having a good time, Mojo and Jojo were a cool couple and Kiko was mellow after he got the car, but Eric was fuckin pissing me off man. I KNEW we shoulda had Jojo be the banker. Fuckin...Eric. That dude cheats man..
Anyway, all was good until we were told to stop playing Monopoly and switch to Candyland. I suck at Candyland man, I'd much rather play Shoots & Ladders, but they didn't let us pick. So, Eric gets a bad roll or something and lands in the molasses swamp and Mojo (or was it Jojo?) starts LAUGHING, I mean hysterical shit , jumping up and down, pointing, busting a friggin gut. Well Eric I guess had had enough of his (or her) shit and flipped the board over ruining the game. Next thing you know all the chimps are hopping and screaming around the room, Eric's throwing pieces everywhere and refuses to come down off of his chair, staff come in and sedate the chimps, security guards taser Eric and drag him out.....it was fucked up.
SO, the cute chick comes in and tells me to wait for a moment while they get the last test ready. About 5mins later in comes the cutie with an orangutan and she sets up Battleship. So it's me against her and the 'rang. I was cool with it all because the Tanger, that's what he liked to be called "The Tanger", kinda sucked at Battleship, but at least he was more fun and in a much better mood than Eric. I was kicking ass for awhile until I found out that every time one of my ships got hit I got an electric shock!
My nipples hurt SO bad.
Anyway....I wound up losing 2 games to one to the Tanger. The good news is that not only did I get the $50 but I got the hotties phone number. We're gonna go out Friday, get some dinner, catch a show down at the Gothic and then maybe go back to her place. She says she's got some ointment that prevents nipple chafing. Rock! Life is good.
OH, and next Saturday it's me and the Tanger against Kiko & Mojo.......full on RISK baby. Oh yeah.

No Exit

Anybody read or seen (great grammar) "No Exit"?

I'd always heard the line "Hell is other people", and thought it was funny, but after reading it I see that it's NOT funny it's ironic.

Hell..is ourselves.

That is to say, we make our OWN Hell.

Which means....we can make our own Heaven.

Cool.

So far, Sartre and Nietzsche (I read him YEARS ago and he made me think Existentialism sucked) are grumpy/sad/boring guys in comparison to my buddy Kierky.
Kierky rocks.

Gemini Rising?

Last night while drifting off to sleep I had this feeling that something really great was going to in happen today, something really cool.......

I awoke this morning with the feeling that something bad was going to happen today or occurred last night while I slept. It's not horrible, but something bad.....

The first feeling hasn't gone away mind you, both things are happening and will have a direct effect on me.
A positive effect.

It's a very odd feeling.

UPDATE: Nevermind. I THINK I've figured it out. It's not somethng that WILL happen, it's something that DID happen and conflicting memories/feelings.

Today WOULD'VE been my 3rd wedding anniversary.

Spontaneous Story #2!

Sometimes I wonder why I even get out of bed. I get up to go to work this morning (I work 4am til noon) and as I'm driving in I see this weird light in the sky. I know I'm not imagining it because I ran out of opium last week and my "Travel bottle" of Jack needs to be refilled. So my radio starts doing the static thing, then the car dies and this beam of light comes out of nowhere and surrounds me.......it was pretty cool lookin! Suddenly, this weird little greyish/silver guy taps on the window and scares the shit out of me! He's saying something but I can't hear him, so I''m all "I CAN"T HEAR YOU!" and he's (it's?) motioning for me to roll down my window. "Oh yeah..." man did I feel stupid. So I roll it down (I didn't want to spend the extra $2000 grand for the electric window/security system on my car so I really CAN roll my windows down) and he's all "Hey man, is this Wisconsin? We're having trouble reading the map and we saw cows.", and I'm all "Nah man, this is Colorado." and he's turns and shouts up at the light "Sunovah bitch.....it's COLORADO you dipshit! Fuckin...STEVE! Can't read a friggin map!", and I'm all waitaminute........"Ron?" and the dude kinda startles and turns back to me "What did you say?", "Ron....is that you man? Holy shit small worl.....um...universe. Ron Epperman?", "DUDE!! Fuckin A! Jerk, man, I haven't seen you in FOREVER!". SO anyway.....to make a long story short. Ron tells me he's trying to get to Wisconsin because there's some Blood Drained Cattle convention and he's entered in the goatsucker/Chupacabra event. So we push my car to the side of the road and he shows me around his sweet ass ride (it's a rental though. Ron can't afford shit), and I point out on the map where they need to go. Steve had the map upside down and can't use a galactic compass to save his ass. Dope. Anyway, they're running late so Ron says he'll catch up with me next week sometime and hopefully he'll have a trophy to show off. I wish him good luck and snag a donut from the break room and watch them fly away. The only thing that sucked about it was that they forgot to zap my car again so it'd start. I wound up getting my ass chewed out for being late to work. I was gonna explain what happened, but if my boss didn't believe me that time Rupaul took me bowling with a bunch of Hawaiian Tropics models for lunch and that I got back late because the shoe rental guy was being an asshole about Ru's size 18's coming back all scuffed up........yeah, he wasn't gonna believe me about hanging with Ron.

Spontaneous Story #1!

Sometimes I'll try and do the "stream of consciousness" thing in short story form. I posted 3 on my MySpace page that nobody read. Enjoy.

(The following is from last Thursday.)

Today sucked. First, I couldn't sleep last night because my friggin dentist drilled the pain into my melon. First thing in the morning JUST as I was about to fall asleep William Shatner calls me "J, where are you? You're supposed to pick me up at the airport! Get yer ass over here!" and I'm all "Fuck Bill, you said friday man! FRIDAY! It's Thursday!" and he's all "I caught an earlier flight so we could hang out longer. Now come pick me up!". So I get up and go drive way the fuck out to the airport....C'mon, he's Captain Fucking Kirk man, I gotta go pick him up right? Aaaaaanyway, so Bill's hungry and he just has to have waffles. "Let's go to IHOP!", and i'm like "Sigh....BIll. Dude. You know I fucking HATE IHOP. They suck." and he's like "Yeah, but I'm your guest and I like all those little jellies they have on the table" and I'm all "BILL ! FUCK!! dude, they have jellies on the table at every friggin diner from here to fuckin......Vulcan." That was it. I pissed him off. "Why the hell do you have to crack Star Trek jokes?! Huh?! YES, I was Cpt.Kirk. I GET IT! I KNOW! I thought you were my friend. " So I'm feeling bad and we're at a red light so I look at him "Bill.....man, I'm sorry. I shoudln't do Trek jokes. I know you're sick of that shit and you have your Boston Legal gig and your new gameshow....I'm sorry." and he gets all serious "Nah...it's ok. I know you didn't mean it. Meh, let's go to Village Inn instead. I want pie!" so then I say "Yeah, you're right. No more Trek jokes. I shoulda cracked a T.J. Hooker one instead" and he's all ".......Fuck you." and then we both bust up laughing!



Later we're at V.I. and wouldn't you know it, no fuckin jellies on the table and Bill goes friggin APESHIT "Don't you know who I am?! I want to talk to the manager! I want jelly!!!! Applebutter!! Do you know what applebutter IS?! I'll have your job....um.....where's your name tag....STACY!! I'll have your friggin job Stacy!!". Needless to say we got jelly and they only charged us for my Key Lime pie. So we get out of there and Bill's all "STRIP CLUB!!", "Dude, aren't you married?", "Yeah, but it's for you. I want to pay you back for that time in Vegas when you kept me from hooking up with that fat girl at Rain.", "It was a dude man, a fat dude. ", "Yeah, that's what I mean. I was LIT".



So we go down to the strip club/steakhouse and it's DEAD. All the noon girls are bored and really don't want to be there.....there's tons of suits there for the luch buffet, and of course they're all Trek fans who keep staring and opinting. This one girl tells Bill that she loved him in Terror at 20,00ft or whatever that Twilight Zone episode was and of course that's all it takes...next thing you know he's giving her $20's like he's handing out candy for Halloween, and he's getting lapdances from her.....and I just want to get out of there because the only girl paying attention me is the strung out crackhead with the bad dye job. Sweet girl, but all the twitching freaks me out. I mean, there was a new girl there, but I can only laugh at the noobie trying to walk in her stripper shoes for so long til I start to feel sorry for and guilt myself into handing my friggin paycheck over. Poor thing. They look so cute, like newborn deer, when tey first wear the stripper shoes.



Anyway....Bill's hotel is only a block away so I tell him I'm splitting and I'll catch up with him later. I don't even now if he heard me. He had his face buried in this girls chest. Then as I'm leaving all the guys are up in my face "Dude, you know Shatner?! OMG! What's he like? Do you think I can get his autograph?" sigh....Bill's cool and all, but fuck, sometimes man, it's a big pain in the ass hanging with him.



The preceding was bullshit. No, seriously....all lies.

Color me.....Plaid?

Recently, as I'm sure you've noticed, I've been seeing things differently than I did. It's almost comical. It's like all this time someone gave me a prism and I've just been holding it up to my eye and looking through it end to end like a telescope and then BITCHING that I'm not seeing all the coloUrs. Everyday, holding it up to my eye and looking through it....and then one day,for no apparent reason, I tilt it and just let the light shine through to reveal what's been there this whole damn time.

So I'm slapping my hand to my forehead "DUH! Geebus, stupid! You been doin it wrong. Sigh....what a dork."
LOL
It's like screaming "Help! I'm trapped in ny car!! I can't get out!! It's tryin to EAT ME!!!' And then noticing that you forgot to undo your seatbelt.
"Cripes...man, I hope nobody actually heard me. How embarrassing."

I'm seeing things clearer (ish).
I'm seeing things as they really are (for me anyway).
I'm starting to look at EVERYTHING from a different angle and more often than not, I see that the answer has been there the whole time but none of us has been looking from the correct angle.

It's like how scientists aren't really trying to make things invisible, as in you see through it, but they're looking at bending light, and therefore all coloUr AROUND something. If light isn't hitting it, isn't "bouncing" off of something, then you can't see it even though it is there.

Well THAT'S how things are in all of our lives. It's not that the answer you're looking for isn't there, it's that you aren't seeing it from the correct angle or in the right light.

Some things are easier said than done, and some things are easier DONE than said.

Grok n' Roll

If anyone cares, here's more of what Jerk is finally "getting" after YEARS of looking at things the WRONG or negative way.

It's like thinking that by paying bills you're being punished, when really you should be looking at it as if cellphone company and public service work FOR you (which is true) not against.

All this "deep" crap is mostly for ME, but if you can get something from it too, then that's a good thing. I'm just one of those people who has to read, write, say and hear something to really "grok" it (Any Stanger in a Strange Land fans?).

OMG y'guys HE knows (knew) what I meant!

Thou sovereign of my heart treasured in the deepest fastness of my chest, in the fullness of my thought, there ... unknown divinity! Oh, can I really believe the poet's tales, that when one first sees the object of one's love, one imagines one has seen her long ago, that all love like all knowledge is remembrance, that love too has its prophecies in the individual. ... it seems to me that I should have to possess the beauty of all girls in order to draw out a beauty equal to yours; that I should have to circumnavigate the world in order to find the place I lack and which the deepest mystery of my whole being points towards, and at the next moment you are so near to me, filling my spirit so powerfully that I am transfigured for myself, and feel that it's good to be here.

- Søren Kierkegaard about his beloved Regine

"Kierky" was a romantic muthaphuc weren't he?

Let me tell you, it's really cool to find out that somebody could put into words EXACTLY how you feel and to know that you're not the only idiot who's become a completely tard over a girl.
Poor bastard.
She married another guy and Soren here croaked a sad lonely man.

Right......ON!

Kinda slow @ Sobo

I felt like getting out last night so I went down to Sobo, which is a neighborhood/sports bar. The owner Phillip (great guy) has two favorite sports; Hockey and Futbol (Soccer), so if you're looking to catch a lot of NASCAR or Tennis coverage Sobo is not the bar for you. Now, to all my Canadian pals I'm sure ALL bars are Hockey bars, but down here in the states, finding a "Hockey bar" (unless you live in an Original Six town) is...well....Sobo is IT pretty much. 'Specially in this town, which is all about football. Sobo has to be the only sports related bar in Denver that doesn't have one single Broncos item hanging anywhere.


Since it was a home game, most of the Avs fans that hang out at Sobo were at the Pepsi Center (Bleh. The COca-Cola Center woulda been SO much better) screaming like crazy, so it was a slow night at the bar. I was just hanging out, sitting with Mike's GF Paula, and I do mean "sitting with" because she was working on her laptop building a website or hacking into the Popeye's Chicken Corporate computers trying to find out why they continue to undercook Mike's food when he goes there making him sick and/or trying to find out what they put in the chicken to make it so addictive that Mike keeps going back to eat it even though he gets sick from it. Either way, I don't like bugging people when they're working, even if they don't mind and are excellent at multitasking. It just makes me feel rude. You can see her laptop in the corner of the top pic next to my beer. Czechvar is nummy. Sobo, by the way, is the only bar west o' the Mighty Missa'sip that serves Czechvar. That's what they told me anyway, and I can't figure out why out of all the things you could/would lie about on this earth, you'd lie about that. Meh.


I've known Mike since we were (or as the East coasters say "Since I am") 14, which was a billion years ago. Mike's been a DJ for almost that entire time. He got started helping out and learning at this little "Teen" club we went to forever ago and he's been doing it pretty much nonstop since. Believe me when I tell you that Mike has more records than you. Believe me when I tell you that Mike has more records than YOUR DJ friend (everybody has one right?), you name it, he's probably got it and 4 different remixes. You might ask "Hey Jerk, what the hell do they need a DJ for at a hockey bar?". They don't. It's more of a for fun/for a friend thing where Mike plays tunes between periods. He's got gigs all over the place and works at a local record shop rather than base all his income on the booming Hockey-DJ industry.

They have all the stuff there instead of a jukebox because the owner "spins" as a hobby and they do karaoke on the weekends when a games not goin on.



It was a nice mellow night. The Avs beat the Oilers (I know a girl who knows a girl who's married to Ryan Smyth! Sure, I don't like him and think he's kinda a jerk, but I'M a jerk so...we'd probably be pals.). Talked music with Mike.
OH, I almost forgot, my pseudo-buddy Alan was there. Alan is Mike's roomie/friend. I've known Alan for about 12yrs. He's a great guy when he's not being an asshole. Alan's problem is that Alan doesn't like Alan, so if YOU like Alan he tends to think you're an idiot and will be pretty fuckin rude to ya, BUT, if you're like me, and you give him shit back and tell him to quit being such an asshole, he'll consider you a pal and actually like you for not liking him.....um, yeah....it's weird. IF you ever meet Alan (I'll try and get a picture next time) act like you'd like him if he weren't such a dick and you'll get along swell. Or not. Meh. Geebus, people and their baggage.....

Um...let's see...what else?

I don't go out very often, but when I DO, I take a specific amount of dough with me so if I'm with a bunch of friends I'll buy a round or two and when I'm outta money, I'm outta money. When it's just me and one friend/date and I know I'm not gonna drink much I tend to tip the same amount I spend. I drop $30 then I tip $30. I went out with this money to SPEND it and have a good time, if part of that good time is hooking up an appreciative server then so be it. It comes from being on the other side. I remeber busting my ass on a busy night and guys tipping me a quarter on a $3.75 drink (if I got a tip at all) or working a "slug on opiates-like" slow night and not making any money. I feel your pain bar workies, if I can, I'll hook ya up. I know you're not doin it fo free. ANyhoo. I did this last night and my waitress was super happy to have me in her section. "REALLY?! You're serious? Karma's gonna hook you up BIG TIME. Thank you!".

Dear Karma,
Send my "Comes around" to this girl I adore in Canada.
Thanks, Jerk.

SPEAKING OF....

Instead of drunk dailing, I drunk emailed...
Guess what?
It's JUST as embarrassing the next day.

I don't have much of a hangover, it's more that it felt like the 3M Corp mixed glue, sand and cotton in my mouth all night in an attempt to see if I'd hurl sandpaper by morning.
I think my "Jerkpaper" joke I left on Binny's blog was funnier.
Meh.

I think I'm supposed to be going to a fashion show tonight, but that's not really my style dig? It's a friends thing though, so I might guilt myself into going anyway. You now how it is. Maybe I'll just hit Sobo again, that's where everybody I know usually hangs.

Hope life's treating you like the kickass folk you are.
:)

Latah.

..and I don't look back.

The coolest song in the universe today is....

Falling Elevators by MC 900ft Jesus.

Jazzy.

If you're curious but can't score it, let me know and I'll send it to ya.

I found a great quote from the movie The Eagle has Landed.

"a wink from a pretty girl at a party rarely results in climax...but a man is a fool not to push a suggestion as far as it will go!" - Max Radl talking about synchronicity.

Just think about it

You are never given a wish without being given
the power to make it true.
You may have to work for it, however.

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a false messiah.

Every person, all the events of your life, are there because you have drawn them there.
What you choose to do with them is up to you.

- all 3 from "Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah"

We truly do reap what we sow.
If all you think about is negative or painful, that is all you will have and attract.
In just the past couple weeks I have "drawn in" several friends from out of my past. One, I haven't talked to in over 5yrs, but got word from another recently "drawn in" that she just happened to run into him and gave him my number. SHE hadn't seen him in more like 10yrs. If you TRULY believe you can change something, you CAN. The only thing I'm having difficulty with now is patience. All the things I want WILL come to me, it's already started, I just need to be patient. I can make it all happen, as can you, because WE are the center of our universe. Every person on this planet experiences reality differently. A custom made reality for each and every one of us. Everything that happens to us, around us, is BECAUSE of us. we tend to think we have no control, no control at all and that things are happening TO us, but they happen because of us. If you can get INTO a bad place you can get out. You found the path there, you were the one that took the turns to get there, you can just as easily turn around and get out or find a different path to take.

It IS that simple.
It's just scary.
Scary, and troubling to know "Holy shit....I did this TO MYSELF!!".
You can't focus on that though. It only gets you nowhere. It makes you focus on the negative, and makes you feel bad about yourself.
Look, everybody makes bad decisions. Acknowledge them and move on. They were learning experiences. Now you know what NOT to do. You're better for it. Take that and move on. If you focus on what you did wrong, or how much time you've wasted you'll just give up before you start. "Look how much times gone by....it's too late. I may as well just stay here. I deserve this. I did it to myself.". Don't think that way. It's silly and not true. Yes, you made your bed, but you DON'T have to lay in it. You can yank all the covers off and start over or go buy a different bad all together.

If you can make it, you can UNmake it.
It's all in you, in me.
Look around.
If other people can be happy, so can you.
None of us are alone; many before us and many currently are going through the same troubles and have iether gotten past them or are GETTING past them.
If others can change their lives, move on, get through things, so can you.

So can you.

:)

Have a great weekend!

I have a headache now.

I stole this from Crystal (Her link's over there on the right.). You take the first sentence from every post of '06 and slap 'em together.

Enjoy?


Have a great _____! May I just say what a truly, truly sad statement it is about where I work when people consider a sweatervest "dressed up". Something like that. This shall be my opus. No......it's a good day to live. First, I want to appologize to everybody for just up and deleting my old blog without saying goodbye or anything. OK, enough I say! You guys suck. Anyone that read the old blog will know that even though a majority of my music listening time is spent on hard rock and metal, that I have eclectic taste (Yes, I know everybody SAYS that, but I mean it). I have a problem. Fuck. This is (was) a long one, and before you get started I'd just like to say that "TIPTOE" by Goldfrapp is the coolest fucking song in the universe right now, and it's been added to the "her" soundtrack.
Excellent work making it "Girls that look like HER" night at the grocery store. We're doing "Secret Santa" here at work.
Write sumthin...anything...aaaaaaaaanndddd GO! I stole this from Diddle cuz I was bored. I just woke from a dream. I have learned quite a bit about people since I started blogging 2 1/2 yrs ago. I dont know why I write about deep shit. If you are going to continue to read this blog might I suggest that you get a FIRM grip on the definitions of "rhetorical" and "moot". I just came back from taking my mom Christmas shopping, and I watched her talk herself into buying a $129 coat when she really wanted the $90 one. First, Heroes rocks (I'm on the list, are you?). Kids, did you like the Stone Temple Pilots? Now THERE'S some TV trivia for ya! Well, since the Freezer of Death tale did nothing for ya.... Let me blow the dust off of the ol lumpy thing wedged betwixt my ears and see if I can find something else to entertain you. Well...that dream didn't last long. Dear people who buy mixed nuts, (This includes my mom, grandmother, the ex-wifey and 3 ex-gf's) the next time you're at the store and are tempted to buy a can of said mixed nuts, look around, there are cans clearly labeled as containing Cashews ONLY. In an attempt to get a better grip on what exactly my "problem" is when it comes to "fitting in" and my inability to really be comfortable with most people, I've done some research on the one thing that has always caused me problems and one of the few things that I do NOT like to talk about....I is smart. Peter Boyle passed away. Last night I read ILLUSIONS by Richard Bach.

Beta is no Alpha

I've seen a couple of similar posts (including KOM'S) so I'm going to join in...

Dear Beta Blogger people,

Your stinky Beta won't let me comment so here you go:

Gretchen = Happy Anniversary!

Jane = COOL! Good for you!

Diddle = SWEET! You better share!

I think I'm forgetting someone...

Oh well.

I hope you're all having a good day.
:)

A book found me

Last night I read ILLUSIONS by Richard Bach.
I've never read any of his stuff. Never had any desire to. Frankly his "seagull" book sounded stupid and/or boring.
Shit, for all I know it IS.
I still have no desire to read it or any other books by him.
ILLUSIONS found me.
I bought it without really know what the hell it was about, not knowing REALLY why I was buying it.
I mean, a friend told me to pick it up, but I read like the written word sustains me so people are always suggesting things to me.
Without knowing my current mindset, or really what's going on in my life I was recommended a book that is EXACTLY what I've been talking about and where I am at right now.
It's spooky/cool how things like that happen.

Read it if you want. If you're meant to, you will, if you're not...meh.
There's some other book for you.

"Hey there handsome!"

Peter Boyle passed away.
I'm bummed.
Everybody Loves Raymond (Which, I only LIKED by the way) was good, but Young Frankenstein man.....
Puttin on the Ritz.

Yeah, I'm bummed.

Understanding Jerk

In an attempt to get a better grip on what exactly my "problem" is when it comes to "fitting in" and my inability to really be comfortable with most people, I've done some research on the one thng that has always caused me problems and one of the few things that I do NOT like to talk about....

I is smart.

All of this applies, but I will highlight the ones that are "spot on". Most of this was swiped from Wikipedia.


Intellectual giftedness is an intellectual ability significantly higher than average. Giftedness is a trait that starts at birth and continues throughout the life-span. Giftedness is not a marker of success, but rather of aptitude or the inherent ability to learn.

Gifted individuals also experience the world differently, resulting in unique social and emotional issues. The work of Kazimierz Dabrowski suggests that gifted children have greater psychomotor, sensual, imaginative, intellectual, and emotional "overexcitabilities".

Bright: 115+, or one in six (84th percentile)
Moderately gifted: 130+, or 1 in 50 (97.9th percentile)
Highly gifted: 145+, or 1 in 1000 (99.9th percentile)
Exceptionally gifted: 160+, or 1 in 30,000 (99.997th percentile)
Profoundly gifted: 175+, or 1 in 3 million (99.99997th percentile)

I've never tested lower than a 134 and once, waaay back when I was 15 I scored a 146. I'm sure I hover more towards the lower than the higher.

Generally, gifted individuals learn more quickly, deeply, and broadly than their peers. Gifted children may learn to read early and operate at the same level as normal children who are significantly older. The gifted tend to demonstrate high reasoning ability, creativity, curiosity, a large vocabulary, and an excellent memory. They often can master concepts with few repetitions. They may also be physically and emotionally sensitive, perfectionistic, and may frequently question authority. They sometimes perceive teachers and authority figures as their peers or even as inferior to themselves. Some have trouble relating to or communicating with their peers because of disparities in vocabulary size (especially in the early years), personality, and interests. As children, they may prefer the company of older children or adults.

Giftedness is frequently not evenly distributed throughout all intellectual spheres: an individual may excel in solving logic problems and yet be a poor speller; another gifted individual may be able to read and write at a far above average level and yet have trouble with mathematics. It is possible there are different types of giftedness with their own unique features, just as there are different types of developmental delay.

Isolation is one of the main challenges faced by gifted individuals, especially those with no social network of gifted peers. Hoping to gain popularity, gifted children will often try to hide their abilities to win social approval. Strategies include underachievement and the use of less sophisticated vocabulary when among same-age peers than when among family members or other trusted individuals.
The isolation experienced by gifted individuals may not be caused by giftedness itself, but by society's response to giftedness. "In this culture, there appears to be a great pressure for people to be 'normal' with a considerable stigma associated with giftedness or talent."

Another problem often associated with giftedness is underachievement.
Many gifted students will continually do well on achievement or reasoning tests, but will fail to turn in assignments or attend or participate in class. Overall, they will be disengaged from the educational process. This can result from under-challenging schools, peer pressure for conformity, social isolation, and family dysfunction. In other cases it can result from other factors within the individual, including depression, anxiety, failure-avoidance, rebelliousness, irritability, nonconformity, or anger.


No research points to suicide rates being higher in gifted adolescents than other adolescents. However, a number of people have noted a higher incidence of existential depression, which is depression due to highly abstract concerns such as the finality of death, the ultimate unimportance of individual people, and the meaning (or lack thereof) of life. Gifted individuals are also more likely to feel existential anxiety.

Another thing that "bothers" me, is the fact that I could stop 100 people on the street and they'd all tell me the same tale. Obviously this cannot hold true, not all of us ARE "gifted", but it just helps to confuse me. Any mention, ANY mention of how MENSA has bugged me off and on for YEARS to join gets a "Oh yeah....I could join, but I just dont wanna." from the bum at the bus stop, the chick workin the register at KFC all the way to Legal Assistants.

Therefore I've "learned" to not bring it up. People either think you are bragging or are a liar. I neither want to be superior NOR inferior, I simply want to fit in, but I don't. I AM smarter than most people. I am. However, in our society being view as "better" than others in anyway is both held up and looked down upon. It's VERY confusing.
I'll go off on tirades about how I wish I was an idiot. I wouldn't lay awake all friggin night thinking....endlessly thinking about crap.. Things to which there are no answers. Things that most people don't even give a shit about. Things that I blog about and then get upset that nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking bout or they read something COMPLETELY different into it or in the case of a few people I THANKFULLY shook from the old blog, they'd try and sound smart themselves. Cripes is there anything more annoying than someone struggling to sound not "smart" per se, but like a friggin genius?! (Heck, I prolly fall into that caterory right now don't I?) Like when they use words in the wrong context or make up shit like "Hypothemitically speaking" and "EK-eterma" for etcetera. (Shudder)

Anyhoo....

Now you know why I'm such a wordy tard.

P.S. All this crap is about how I feel bad about and hate that I am smarter than the average bear. WHICH, then makes me feel stupid and then I feel bad about thinking I am smart when I'm not. Yeah....it's FUN to be Jerk.

P.P.S. Also, I have afeeling that pretty much all of you reading this are in the same boat. Bloggnig and Higher than average IQ seem to go hand in hand. Not to say that there aren't idjits who blog, it's just that more times than not, we "brainies" are blogging. We also tend to not comment very much. It's the whole not fitting in/feeling like we SHOULDN'T be commenting on crap thing. I mean, who are WE to comment on stuff right?

Mixed Messages

Dear people who buy mixed nuts,

(This includes my mom, grandmother, the ex-wifey and 3 ex-gf's)

The next time you're at the store and are tempted to buy a can of said mixed nuts, look around, there are cans clearly labeled as containing Cashews ONLY. That's right! You can get nothing but your beloved cashews. That way when you're out, you can tell by the empty can and you just go back to the store and get some more instead of endlessly shaking and turning, shaking and turning, shakinG AND FUCKING TURNING THE GODDAM CAN OVER AND OVER AND OVER PUTTING YOUR FRIGGIN MITS ALL OVER EVERY DAMN NUT IN THE CAN WITH YOUR SHAKING AND TURNING SHAKING AND TURNING HOPING MORE CASHEWS MAGICALLY APPEAR WITH YOUR SHAKING AND TURNING!!!!!!

*ahem*

If you just want cashews, then BUY cashews.

Your pal,

Jerk

Well.....

that dream didn't last long.

I'm trying really hard not to let it get me down, and set me back.
I gotta tell ya though, it's tough.

It's like planning a trip to Disney World, and just when you've started saving you find out that it's been shut down for good.
I'm still going to work towards my goal, still save up for it, but it's just now......I don't know if it's going to be Universal Theme park or a Six Flags.

I really, really wanted it to be Disney World though.
You have no idea.

Meh.

Just remember, happiness starts in YOU. If you're not happy the world can tell and acts accordingly.
You're not fooling anyone, not even yourself.
If you give up on YOU, if you quit on you.....

Shit, I'm done.

Actions speak louder than words and all that....
I'll see ya when I see ya.
Who knows, sumthin funny'll pop in my noggin by noon.
Right now though.....

I really wanted it to be Disney World.

More Tales from the Jyrk (see, Crypt has a "y" in it. Get it?!)

Well, since the Freezer of Death tale did nothing for ya.... Let me blow the dust off of the ol lumpy thing wedged betwixt my ears and see if I can find something else to entertain you.

I could tell you about the time my pal Tony and I kept talking about how cool Kilts were (Circa '84-85 skatepunk version of Jerk) and how this guy Greg showed up at the Teen club wearing his moms black skirt thinking it was pretty much the same. Pretty much cured me of the kilt thing even though I was going to wear it OVER my jeans. Yeah, I could tell you that only I just did.

I could tell you about how after I moved clear across town my buddy Mike fell in instant lust with this girl at my new school and how one Friday afternoon we sat parked outside her house for 2hrs as he stood NOT talking to her and her friends. Literally. Her friends talked to each other and he stood their listening RIGHT next to...Heather(?) and just nodded and forced smiles and then turned whiter than Opie when she turned to him and asked something. Yes, this went on for 2hrs. She thought he was cute. Well, until that episode, after that she was convinced he didn't like her since...you know.....he didn't talk. At all. We had to get out of the car and physically drag him away from her and then of course he was pissed at us because he was juuuuuuuuust going to say something to her. Ah, teenage luv. Yeah, I could tell you that one, but....I just did; and I think you all have that story, maybe even starred in it.

Hm...

OH! I could tell you about the time Tony and I ran into these girls we knew back in the skatepunk days 10yrs later and how one of them Beth(?), who I didn't remember, went into a pretty lengthy story about her and I having amazing sex on the stairs at Tony's Moms house one night. Did I mention that I don't remember Beth? Still? I think she confused me with somebody else; but hey, as long as she had a great time and keeps telling everyone it was ME how is that a bad thing right? Right.

I could tell you of the time my buddy "Dok" (Think Doc, but with a "k". Russian type thing. I don't remember how he got it nickname.) threw a party and I (The circa 86-88 metalhead version of Jerk) spent all evening trying to get into one girls pants, failed, got kind pissed/grumpy that I wasn't going to get any that night and stayed up all night watching some stupid horrorfest marathon thing with this other girl only to find out the next morning through an overheard conversation that the girl(also cute) I stayed up with would've jumped on me twice if I'd just blinked at her. I wasn't nearly horny or shallow enough back then or I'd have gotten laid more, BUT, again, I think we all have those stories.

I got it!
I could tell you about the time Tony spent all night at a club talking up this girl we worked with only to have me (Circa '90-92 shorter haired Grungey lookin Jerk) blow it for him the next day when this conversation occurred:

Girl: "Man, I feel so bad for Tony."

Jerk:" Why?"

Girl: "Well he's been having trouble moving on since his girlfriend Christy died last year."

Jerk (Laughing): "Christy's not dead I just saw her two days ago!"

Tony was pissed for a bit, but I told him it was HIS fault. As a Wingman, it's the Lead dogs job to keep him updated on the "game plan". HE didn't outline the mission statement? Not MY fault it failed. There are RULES people!. Did I mention that Tony was a dog? Did I mention that Tony got Christy's name tattooed HUGE on his right bicep only to have them breakup a month or so later? Yep. A nice religiousy type tattoo that's off center and says "Christ" is there now.

Hm...

I could tell you about the time I (Circa 92-95 tie wearing bartender version of Jerk)set almost the entire length of the bar I worked at on fire. OH yeah. Ouzo + fire+ Jerk knocking the flaming shot AND the bottle over set off a rather cool Raiders of the Lost Ark Barfight looking effect that just about sent 12 people up in flames. Meh. They shut up after I gave them a few free drinks. Barfolk are so easy to appease. "What? You're gonna shoot me in the leg but I get a free tab for Saturday night?! SWEET!! Can I choose which leg?"

Now that I think about it, there are a lot of stories involving Jerk and fire. I was a pyro, and even when I kicked my burning things habit, it still seemed to follow me around. Odd. Don't worry, there's no fire going on now. No fire at all. No fire at all....... Well there's fire, but.....bleh, nevermind.

:(

Meh, I'll think up a good one at some point I'm sure.
My life is pretty boring NOW, but for a good 10yr period I crammed a BUNCH of weirdness/fun in.

Herb Tarlek?

Now THERE'S some TV trivia for ya!
Who the hell is Herb Tarlek?
You're going to cheat and Google it aren't you?
Meh.

My 33yr old coworker has recently started wearing a wide WHITE leather belt.

Discuss.

Some new tunage I like

Kids, did you like the Stone Temple Pilots?
Do you wonder what the hell all the other guys are doing now that Scott Weiland is having seizures as the front man for Velvet Revolver?
Do you like Filter?
Do you wonder what it would sound like if the singer/lyicist from Filter was singing for Stone Temple Pilots?
No?
Hm....

Well if you're at all curious check out Army Of Anyone.
It's the guy from Filter and the other guys from STP.

What's it sound like?

It sounds like the guy from Filter singing for STP.

Duh.

I like it.

Also, do you like and miss the "Ride the Lightning"/"Master of Puppets" era Metallica?
Then go pick up THE CRUSADE by Trivium.
It's the best Metallica album in YEARS.

Tales from the Jyrk

First, Heroes rocks (I'm on the list, are you?). Blow me LOST; there's a new sheriff in town that actually answers questions and is going somewhere. OH, and Day Break kicks your sorry ass too just hardly anyones watching. Diggs is tha man.


From the mind that brought you "ATTACK OF THE PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND" (which I shouldn't have deleted) and "JOEL AND THE MAGIC CARWASH" (which....I shouldn't have deleted) comes...

JERKY DAHMER AND THE FREEZER OF DEATH!!!!
(echo-o-o-o)

Back in oh, I think it was '88 maaaybe '89, my mom and I went out to Kansas to see my Gram n' Gramp (I call them the Grands sometimes)for a week. It was summer, and we had a nice time chilling at the lake and such before heading back to the Little/Big city o' Denver. The Grands had bought a friggin side of beef that summer and hooked us up with a bunch of free steaks and hamburger.

We get back home, unpack and I go down to the basement to put the meat in this bigass freezer we had. I lift the lid and water POURS out the back of the lid and a half a sec later this......STENCH hits me and I almost blow chunks into the damn thing. It's horrendous, disgusting, nasty......have you ever smelled death or rotting meat? Yeah, that smell, only times a million-billionty five or so. It was badder than bad smelling and it traveled faster than an STD from Paris Hilton to any poor bastard within 3ft of her. My mom almost instantly yelled "OMG...what is that smell?". She only made it to the door to the basement and she was gagging. At some point, the freezer had died and everything went uckey. I couldn't remember the last time I'd gotten something out of it. Maybe a couple weeks? Most of the stuff we used often was in the fridge's freezer upstairs.

Aaaanyyywaaay...

It became my job to clean the thing out. Woo hoo! I smeared Vicks Vaporub under my nose, got a bandana to tie covering my nose and mouth, put some cologne on it and commenced to load up garbage bags with meat, ice cream cartons, bags of frozen veggies and assorted "what the hell did this USED to be?" stuff. I cannot possibly explain the disgusting soup of nasty, sugary, veggie DEATH there was about a foot and a half deep in this thing. I was up all night loading bag after bag of crap and hauling it out to the townhome complex dumpster. One after the other, all night, heavy, mishappen bags of stinky meat. I did it until all that was left was the (I'm seriously kind of gagging picturing this crap again) liquid. Man, liquid is a gross word. Liquid. There was "liquid" in the freezer. (ack...uck...). Meanwhile the stench is everywhere, on everything. You could even faintly smell it up on the second floor where my bedroom was. I showered more than an entire Olympic swim team for WEEKS after that and I could swear I still smelled it. OH, but we weren't the only ones. Nooooooo. It's a townhome afterall with units attached on either side sharing a foundation. Ah yes, the neighboUrs smelled it too and called the manager. I was asleep when he showed up the next day, but my mom says that when she opened the door he was about 6 feet back from it with a nervous look on his face. She explained what happened and that we were cleaning it out ASAP. She didn't understand why he was acting so weird and she thought he stood back because he must have been in the neighboUrs basement and just didn't want a stronger wiff of the smell. It wasn't until I reminded her of the whole Dahmer thing that she laughed at how he was acting, but she was kind of nervous about everybody thinking she was a killer. I thought it was hilarious really, but that's my humoUr.

So, that next day I borrowed a buddies old wet/dry vac and emptied the slop out of the freezer. I must have used 8 gallons of bleach and soapy water to get the smell out. I even got an ultraviolet lightbulb and set a lamp in the thing to kill off shit. Not sure if that did anything, but it SOUNDED scientific and shit so what the hey right? (shrug)

The one guy who lived next door was a lovely policeman who liked to scream at the top of his lungs and I believe, at least it sounded like it, beat his wife and children. This guy LOOKED like a fuckin psycho cop. Who do you call when it's a COP breaking the law?

Well, one day about a month after the freezer thing, Psycho-cop went all apeshit, stomping, yelling, slamming doors, teenage son yelling, younger daughter crying, wife pleading......
I'd had enough and since the walls were thin enough to hear this shit I yelled "Shut the fuck up! Geezus CHRIST, what is WRONG with you people?!!!!!". Keep in mind I was a very grumpy, angry teenager who liked his sleep a LOT and to wake up to this shit at the crack of noon on a Saturday was NOT acceptable. I went off yelling and stomping myself "Crazy fuckers always freaking the FUCK out!! Fuckin.....godammit...grumble....TRYING TO FUCKIN SLEEP...growwlll....FUCK!". Scared the SHIT out of my Mom she did that trying not to let anyone hear whisper/yell thing "J! That guy's a nutcase and he owns a GUN! What if he comes over here? He's a cop! Who are they going to believe if he snaps?!". Meanwhile, it had gotten reeeaaaalllly quiet next door. I could tell they were listening..SO, still pissed off, I yell "Yes, but I'm the fucking quiet guy who lives next door! I always keep to myself, never bother anyone....I seem like a really nice guy and for all HE knows I had 10 bodies in my FUCKING FREEZER!!!!!". Mom actually covered her mouth trying not to laugh too loud. The cop slammed his front door and stomped out to his car and I shit you NOT, a couple weeks later they moved out. Which is good, because after I calmed down I was a little feaked he was going to shoot me and/or cover my bike with heroin and have his buddies over to beat the shit out of me as I "Resisted arrest". I don't know where that crazy fucker moved, but I hope it was in a different direction from his family.

I know the "smell" story went through the whole complex and I revelled in it. I'd stare all creepy at the neighboUrs I didn't like. It was cool. You want people to leave you the fuck alone or fear you? Have your feezer die and empty it out in the middle of the night dressed like you're filming an N.W.A. video.

Ya know.....that manager was always really nice to me. EXTERMELY friendly in a "Please dont kill me and eat me" manner.

What a nice guy.

Exactly what I've been talking about.

I just came back from taking my mom Christmas shopping, and I watched her talk herself into buying a $129 coat when she really wanted the $90 one.

Mom:"I really want that other one, but they don't have my size."

Jerk: "Then let's go to their other store or we can order the right size for you online."

Mom: "Yeah, but we're already here. I'll just buy this white one that's similar."

Jerk "...but it's NOT what you want and you never wear white stuff. You always say that you don't want to get it dirty so you never wear it."

Mom: "That's true, but they don't have my size in that other one and I don't like the two coloUrs thay have left."

Jerk: "Then Mom, let's go order the right size and the coloUr you want online."

Mom: "No....we're here and this is close enough and not much more.....I'm gonna buy this one."

Jerk. "Sigh.......fine.".


See, my problem is that I want to help YOU. I'm trying too hard to help YOU guys. I get something, I TRULY grasp something and I'm trying to get YOU to see it and in the process you think that I'M looking for the answer when it's that I've found it and I'm trying to give it to YOU and I'm getting frustrated and pissed off because you don't/won't/can't see it.

I need to keep reminding myself that I can't help YOU.
YOU have to help you.

Many of you don't see the problem.
Some don't think there is a problem.
Some see it and don't care.
Some see it and embrace it as an inescapable truth.
Some don't want help.

I'm trying to pull you up and really all I'M doing is slipping back down out of frustration.
I care too much. I try to pretend that I don't give a shit about my fellow man, but really, I do. Too much really.
I can't help you, you have to help yourself.

I'm sorry.

I'll just focus on me.

I'm sorry.
No more of this shit.


I like Ritz crackers.
Mmmmmmm.
Ritz crackers and aerosol cheese.
Mmmmmmm.

Helpful Hints

If you are going to continue to read this blog might I suggest that you get a FIRM grip on the definitions of "rhetorical" and "moot".
Particulary when they are RHETORICAL questions and MOOT points. I will try and get a grip on grammar.

Thanks.

J

:)

P.S. I'll try and get a grip on typing also.

A Quickie

I dont know why I write about deep shit.
I don't know why I ask you questions to which there are no answers, or to which the answer is different to other people.
I don't know why I let othres convince me that I have a brain, a high IQ rolling around up here.
I don't know why there's no sun up in the sky....stormy weather.
I don't know why you read this and don't comment.
I don't know why you reads this and DO comment.
I don't know why I bother.
I don't know why I DON'T bother to do other things.
I don't know why every day...
EVERY
DAY
I feel the overpowering urge to give up, and yet feel the undefeatable will to go on.
The want, the need, the lust, the passion, the yearning for more, there has to be more, there HAS to be more.
It cannot all be sleepwalk.
It cannot just be.......

Can it?

Fuck, the more I write here the more I think you're all laughing at me or telling your friends/family "Hey, there's this crazy fucker trying to figure out the universe on his blog and it's the saddest, stupidest, HILARIOUS bullshit I've ever read. Truly pathetic man, you should check it out.".

I'm tired of giving up before I even start.
Aren't you?
Aren't you fucking TIRED of just meandering through this shit?
Then why does it seem that I am alone in this?
Why does everyone I ask, everyone I talk to about anything of importance, anything having to do with "happiness" whatever it may be, just fucking SHRUG when I ask?
Shit, I can't even expalin what the fuck I MEAN when I say "happiness". It's not the idealized shit man. Fuck, you already read the previous bullshit I'm sure.

I'm starting to think that if everybody really did decide to jump off a bridge you all WOULD. "It's just what we do J. We jump off the bridge. What do you MEAN do I want to? Of course I dont want to. Yes, I could just get out of line, but what then? Just go stand in ANOTHER fucking line? No thanks man, I'm gonna stay here and jump off the bridge. It's just how things are.".

Ha.

See, today, I let someone who gave up, get to me.
They harped on & on & on about how there's no point.
How you just EXIST and the MOST you can ask for is that bad shit doesn't happen.
This guy, he goes on about how he met the girl of his dreams, how she wanted him, BEGGED him to be with her and he couldn't/wouldn't do it so she left and he's cried off & on for YEARS over her and hates himself and takes it out on the girl he's with like it's HER fault he didn't go after this other girl and now he's heard how she's in a crappy relationship....

So I tell how I met this girl that is just beyond words......and do you know what this fucker says to me? After all his bullshit, all his pain and self-fucking-LOATHING and how he's regretted it all these years and can't stand that he didn't go for it...

He tells me..."Yeah, well don't bother man. You'll never get that. You should have stayed with your wife because at least you had SOMEBODY. You should just hook up with some local(read easier/closer) girl and forget that "Dream" shit."

Fuck.

I got a comment on the past post from a lady that gives me hope, and yet.....is she just as insane as I'm starting to think I am? lol It's starting to seem like there are only sane hopeless/sad people and all the hopeful people need to be institionalized.

Geebus, I just need to go back to blogging about wanting to bang Jessica Alba all the fucking time with an occasional "I like cheese!" thing thrown in for grins don't I?

I'm worried that I'll end up like that guy.
If I give up on the dream, if I don't even TRY for it and I find out that I COULD have had it if only I'd gone after it.....
I'll never forgive myself.
I'll hate myself.

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to go for it and find out that it was all a lie, a silly dream and I'm afraid to let it go and have it never come back.

What to do...what to do....

And I'm thinkin this stuff RIGHT before I go out to have a couple beers with the guys

I have learned quite a bit about people since I started blogging 2 1/2 yrs ago.
Perhaps I've only learned about "bloggers", but I think it's a good slice o' the "Western World" anyhoo.

A little while back my friend Angie's boyfriend blew his brains out while she was in the other room. It got me writing about suicide and how no matter how low you feel, how alone, how bad things seem, that you (can type a run on sentence?) can fix things and you should stick around. The more I wrote and tried to explain how depression can make one think/feel, the more I wrote about reasons to stick around, the less people read my blog. I got fewer and fewer comments and I only wrote 3 posts about it when I could probably devote a whole blog to trying to get people help and trying to help them get out of the funk (I've been there).

No one wants to talk about it. I understand that it's an uncomfortable topic, and that even with THIS I have turned people off to reading any further. Even my then pseudo-GF asked me "What's with all the suicide crap?". Suicide crap. You wanna know why people keep it to themselves and you don't know until it's too late? "Suicide crap".

Anyhoo...

Recently I've learned of another topic that turns people off, one that they don't want to talk about...."Love" and/or "Happiness".

This whole friggin post is gonna be shit nobody likes to talk about I guess. (shrug)

Do you know that in the past couple weeks I have asked several people about "love", about if/when they knew it was, and if/when they knew their spouse was the one they wanted to spend the rest ot their lives with?

You know what I got back?
Lemme break it down for you...

Not one single guy I asked mentioned loving their spouse. "We met, I dug her and after dating for a couple years we got married, had a kid....".

Not one guy mentioned anything like "Well, I met her at a party (or whatever) and after talking to her all night I just felt that this girl was special.". Nothing even close.
Mostly, from the men and women I asked, including people I thought were great, happy, loving couples, I got shrugs.

Going by what I got back from this is "I liked them, they liked me back.....(shrug) we got married.".

Before I even got to ask one girl she informed me that they were getting divorced.
One guy, who's not married but has been with the same girl for 10yrs with 2 kids just started telling me how he's been nailing this girl on the side.

The guy I worked with at my temp assignment has been married for 25yrs and has 3 kids.....he jsut started telling me one day how he got caught cheating and had to "lay low" for several months before he could start up again.

One couple mutually agreed to split after they both discussed how they BOTH wanted (or were already) seeing other people.

ALL of these people are ones that I have seen together and thought were perfectly happy and I love. I witnessed them smile at each other, look each other right in the eyes and say "I love you" in a manner that seems truthful, not just the "I love you....yeah, you too" kind of thing.

I did it too, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm better than any of these people. I got married because she wanted too, and because I thought it would fix our problems. I figured she was the closest I was going to get to my "ideal mate". I wasn't getting any younger and I really liked her. A lot. Must be love or could become so right? It didn't; and the more I tried to force it, fix it, the more I realized that if you're trying so hard, it's not working. When things work, they work. When they don't, they don't. You can yell, and scream, and hit the damn machine with a hammer but if all the parts aren't there working in harmony, it's not going to work.

It's just that......out of all these people...everyone I talked to, asked......not one...

NOT
ONE
COUPLE

Was in love.


"Why are you with _____?"
(shrug)
"Why don't you leave if you're not happy with _____?"
(shrug)"...cuz, this is what it's like. It'd just be the same with someone else.".

I'm not looking for someone to talk all fuckin "It's nothing but rainbows and sunshine, and we NEVER fight, and I think _____ is so dreeeaaaaamy...." shit.
I'm talkin more "I knew, just knew, that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to grow old with them. I wanted to have children with them. This was my friend, my lover, confidante, companion....I was more comfortable, relaxed, happy with this person than any before. I didn't want to date anyone esle, sleep with anyone else, confide in anyone else...THIS was my mate.".

I'm takling about love, not "love". Not the Hollywood, running through a field of flowers, cue the swelling music, "Love means never having to say you're sorry" bullshit. I'm talking about finding "The One". Not in a "PERFECT" manner or a "I can't do better than this" way. I mean more of a "I don't WANT to do better than this." way. A "I love the good, and the bad. The flaws are part of the picture and without them the beauty wouldn't shine through as much". way. Like coming home to a warm, safe place, not just somewhere where you eat & sleep when you're not working. a palce you WANT to go home to, not just where you do because you have nowhere else to go.

Shit, I don't even know what I mean I guess.
It's so damn hard to explain.

I just got very discouraged by the feedback I got.
"Love"...the ideal, the myth, not even the reality we all THINK might exist....

Apparently it doesn't.
There is just "like".
There is only settling for close enough.
There is only "Meh, I guess he'll/she'll do".

Sad huh?
The more I write, the less I want to post it.
I'm not trying to bring you down, I'm trying to get a grip on the reality of things.
It's like, I'm not looking for proof that Santa exists, I'm just trying to find someone who honestly gives gifts for the pure joy of giving and I'm not even finding that. All I'm finding is poeple who give only because they HAVE TO or because they want something in return.

Can't I love you because I WANT/LOVE TO, and you me because you WANT/LOVE TO and neither of us is just doing it, pretending, for the car or the cable or the house or the child or the money or just because there's nothing else to do but EXIST with you?

IS their really no love other than Mother/child?

I SO want to prove you fuckers wrong.
Meh.
Why do I post this shit?
Hell, why do you read it?

I need want a drink.

The question or the answer?

I just woke from a dream. Odd working hours allow that I sometimes nap after work.

Things that stuck out:

"What's more important? The question...or the answer?"

"It cannot end in a definitive. The sentence CANNOT end in a definitive."

And Whisper To A Scream (Birds fly?) by Icicle Works played over and over and over throughout. The lyrics were much louder than the music and very clear.

Love comes, down upon us
till you flow like water
Burning, with the hope of insight
Feathered, look they're covered
with a bright elation
Stolen, in the sight of love
We are, we are,
we are but your children,
Finding our way around indecision,
We are, we are
we are ever helpless
Take us forever,
A whisper to a scream
Birds fly, in the eye
of the faithless daughter
Broken, at the bitter end
Wasted, sacrificed for a new Nirvana
Night time, sends us on our way
A whisper to a scream

..and I was walking, always walking..
Walking and talking to different people. Only one at a time, but several people, real and dreamfolk, came and went, but always someone was talking to me as I walked.

We only breifly stopped to get mexican food at a really weird type of Automat.

I feels like it meant something.
That I was supposed to get something from it.

I have NO idea what the hell I was trying to tell myself.
I've NEVER understood what this friggin song was/is about, and I don't get the "question/answer"/"Can't end in a definitive" stuff.

Help?

It IS Christmas time, perhaps it was just an "undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese..." Dickensian crap. (It's from A Christmas Carol dude...sheesh.)

Now Playing

I stole this from Diddle cuz I was bored. It would be better, that is, there'd be more chance of random/wtf? stuff if I were using my 20GB iPod instead of my Nano, but here we go....

Set your MP3 player to shuffle
2. Press play
3. For every question, type the song that’s playing
4. When you get to a new question, press next

Opening credits: Smiley Faces - Gnarls Barkely

Waking up: Wait - Earshot

Falling in love: Cherry Bomb - The Runaways

Fight song: The Drapery Falls - Opeth

Breaking up: Every Litte Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police

Making up: Lonely Teardrops - Jackie Wilson

Life’s okay: Busted - Johnny Cash

Mental breakdown: Flying North - Thomas Dolby

Driving: Walk on Shadows - Maligno

Flashbacks: Cocaine Blues - Johnny Cash

Happy dance: American Nights (LIVE) - The Runaways

Regret: It's Like That - RUN/DMC

Final Battle: Jet - Paul McCartney & Wings

Death scene: Just Got Paid - ZZ TOP

Final credits: The New Breed - Coroner

Um...ok, that is one phuctup movie/soundtrack.
Scary even. Looks like the Nano did pretty good with the "WTF?" part after all.

I'm gonna try this again, because the next 3 snogs were good and I think would be a better soundtrack.

Opening credits: Pick up the Pieces - Average White Band

Waking up: Thicker than Blood - Death Angel

Falling in love: Let's Dance - David Bowie

Fight song: Melancholy - Iced Earth

Breaking up: Cool Change - Little River Band

Making up: Golden Years - David Bowie

Life’s okay: La Grange - ZZ TOP (heh)

Mental breakdown: Reverie/Harlequin Forest -Opeth

Driving: Who are you? - The Who

Flashbacks: Don't stand so close to me - The Police

Happy dance: Rock me to the Top - Tesla

Regret: Somewhere Down the Crazy River - Robbie Robertson (Whoa...)

Final Battle: Devildrive - Maligno

Death scene: All I Want - RAGE

Final credits: Worlds End - Heathen

BONUS track: Coast to Coast - The Scorpions