I have learned quite a bit about people since I started blogging 2 1/2 yrs ago.
Perhaps I've only learned about "bloggers", but I think it's a good slice o' the "Western World" anyhoo.
A little while back my friend Angie's boyfriend blew his brains out while she was in the other room. It got me writing about suicide and how no matter how low you feel, how alone, how bad things seem, that you (can type a run on sentence?) can fix things and you should stick around. The more I wrote and tried to explain how depression can make one think/feel, the more I wrote about reasons to stick around, the less people read my blog. I got fewer and fewer comments and I only wrote 3 posts about it when I could probably devote a whole blog to trying to get people help and trying to help them get out of the funk (I've been there).
No one wants to talk about it. I understand that it's an uncomfortable topic, and that even with THIS I have turned people off to reading any further. Even my then pseudo-GF asked me "What's with all the suicide crap?". Suicide crap. You wanna know why people keep it to themselves and you don't know until it's too late? "Suicide crap".
Anyhoo...
Recently I've learned of another topic that turns people off, one that they don't want to talk about...."Love" and/or "Happiness".
This whole friggin post is gonna be shit nobody likes to talk about I guess. (shrug)
Do you know that in the past couple weeks I have asked several people about "love", about if/when they knew it was, and if/when they knew their spouse was the one they wanted to spend the rest ot their lives with?
You know what I got back?
Lemme break it down for you...
Not one single guy I asked mentioned loving their spouse. "We met, I dug her and after dating for a couple years we got married, had a kid....".
Not one guy mentioned anything like "Well, I met her at a party (or whatever) and after talking to her all night I just felt that this girl was special.". Nothing even close.
Mostly, from the men and women I asked, including people I thought were great, happy, loving couples, I got shrugs.
Going by what I got back from this is "I liked them, they liked me back.....(shrug) we got married.".
Before I even got to ask one girl she informed me that they were getting divorced.
One guy, who's not married but has been with the same girl for 10yrs with 2 kids just started telling me how he's been nailing this girl on the side.
The guy I worked with at my temp assignment has been married for 25yrs and has 3 kids.....he jsut started telling me one day how he got caught cheating and had to "lay low" for several months before he could start up again.
One couple mutually agreed to split after they both discussed how they BOTH wanted (or were already) seeing other people.
ALL of these people are ones that I have seen together and thought were perfectly happy and I love. I witnessed them smile at each other, look each other right in the eyes and say "I love you" in a manner that seems truthful, not just the "I love you....yeah, you too" kind of thing.
I did it too, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm better than any of these people. I got married because she wanted too, and because I thought it would fix our problems. I figured she was the closest I was going to get to my "ideal mate". I wasn't getting any younger and I really liked her. A lot. Must be love or could become so right? It didn't; and the more I tried to force it, fix it, the more I realized that if you're trying so hard, it's not working. When things work, they work. When they don't, they don't. You can yell, and scream, and hit the damn machine with a hammer but if all the parts aren't there working in harmony, it's not going to work.
It's just that......out of all these people...everyone I talked to, asked......not one...
NOT
ONE
COUPLE
Was in love.
"Why are you with _____?"
(shrug)
"Why don't you leave if you're not happy with _____?"
(shrug)"...cuz, this is what it's like. It'd just be the same with someone else.".
I'm not looking for someone to talk all fuckin "It's nothing but rainbows and sunshine, and we NEVER fight, and I think _____ is so dreeeaaaaamy...." shit.
I'm talkin more "I knew, just knew, that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to grow old with them. I wanted to have children with them. This was my friend, my lover, confidante, companion....I was more comfortable, relaxed, happy with this person than any before. I didn't want to date anyone esle, sleep with anyone else, confide in anyone else...THIS was my mate.".
I'm takling about love, not "love". Not the Hollywood, running through a field of flowers, cue the swelling music, "Love means never having to say you're sorry" bullshit. I'm talking about finding "The One". Not in a "PERFECT" manner or a "I can't do better than this" way. I mean more of a "I don't WANT to do better than this." way. A "I love the good, and the bad. The flaws are part of the picture and without them the beauty wouldn't shine through as much". way. Like coming home to a warm, safe place, not just somewhere where you eat & sleep when you're not working. a palce you WANT to go home to, not just where you do because you have nowhere else to go.
Shit, I don't even know what I mean I guess.
It's so damn hard to explain.
I just got very discouraged by the feedback I got.
"Love"...the ideal, the myth, not even the reality we all THINK might exist....
Apparently it doesn't.
There is just "like".
There is only settling for close enough.
There is only "Meh, I guess he'll/she'll do".
Sad huh?
The more I write, the less I want to post it.
I'm not trying to bring you down, I'm trying to get a grip on the reality of things.
It's like, I'm not looking for proof that Santa exists, I'm just trying to find someone who honestly gives gifts for the pure joy of giving and I'm not even finding that. All I'm finding is poeple who give only because they HAVE TO or because they want something in return.
Can't I love you because I WANT/LOVE TO, and you me because you WANT/LOVE TO and neither of us is just doing it, pretending, for the car or the cable or the house or the child or the money or just because there's nothing else to do but EXIST with you?
IS their really no love other than Mother/child?
I SO want to prove you fuckers wrong.
Meh.
Why do I post this shit?
Hell, why do you read it?
I need want a drink.
Friday, December 08, 2006
And I'm thinkin this stuff RIGHT before I go out to have a couple beers with the guys
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8 comments:
I am not bored or brought down by this post. I am very in love with my husband and he with me. We would never want to be without each other. Yes, we sometimes have little squabbles over domestic duties, but that's to be expected. We don't have a perfect life, but we love each other deeply. I sometimes think we make other people gag with lovey-dovey stuff, but oh well.
Romantic moment: I dropped my babies off at daycare and then I passed him on the road. He was bringing the diaper bag that I had forgotten as I was headed home to get it. That's when I KNEW. I'm in love with the diaper bag man!
what are we suppose to say. You get upset because people don't comment on these sort of posts, but what truly do you want to know?
You are asking questions but maybe you are asking the wrong people or maybe you are getting the truthful answers but it isn't what you want to be truth.
No ones marriage, relationship is perfect as you said. I have been married 11 years and a couple of those years, the past couple really sucked. But, at the end of the day there is no one I want to be with but him. He is my family and my home and my life and we will die old together spooning in bed. It can happen but it takes guts, and work and sometimes pure misery. I did not settle, it was love at first sight and I knew we would be together forever.
Now, please don't delete and alter and rewrite. Just let it be. And let spin out into the ether and maybe bring something back to you. Be patient.
Pure misery......READ what you wrote.
Pure misery.
If that's the shit you have to sel yourself so you can sleep at night then more power to ya sister because I'm not into that.
And I dont mean "perfect". Dont read that Hollywood crap into my stuff. "Perfect" makes peopel think no fights, no disa greements, no bad days just good and sex all day in every friggin room fo the house. I mean REAL. a WANT to be there, to be COMMITTED in every way. At teh end of a fight or bad day, to kow that this person is my equal, my rock, friend, my lover, my balance for everything. I shall not want nor lust for they are my overflowing well of comfort and love. (Whoa, that was almost good poetic shit).
You've told me shit you probably shouldnt have Wend, but since you did I can tell you that pretty much your whole comment is bullhsit. "....at the end of the day there is no one I want to be with but him.".
Yeah, have fun with that pure misery thing.
Me, I'm looking for better because I know it's out there. If there is pure misery, then there is pure joy and all I want is something inbetween.
I'm not in pure misery. I was. We have had our problems, him and I. I mean misery in the sense that life doesn't always end up the way you hope. We were young madly in love and wanted children, a long process a few miscarriages at 3-4 months.. here is misery. Betrayals from him, lies, distrust...misery. Doctors telling me I won't live the life I want, misery. I don't want misery, you said it like I chose it.
I am saying I love my husband. We plan on adopting soon, I am completely commited to ridding this marriage of any and all misery and so is he. We used to be deleriously happy, life brought us down. I wish love could fix all my inperfections and evils and I wish I could go back and do things diferently. But I can't and I am human and I am sorry if I offended you somehow, whether in confession or comments. I truly am.
I am a good person who has lead a hard life and I am doing my best to not be cynical and to believe in love and forgiveness, for him and for me.
Please don't be angry with me.
J I understand where you are coming from. I have always said that I think there is a difference between love and being "in love." I think many people may love their spouses, but are they truly "in love." Willing to die for that person? To risk everything and drop everything to be with only that one person? Truly committed to that one person who is your other half, and that the two of you are actually "one person?"
In all honesty, I don't think people value truly value that kind of love. I think they settle or they just get trapped in a situation and feel that going through the motions of dating, marriage, family is what they are supposed to be doing. Whether they are truly in love or not. And, I think that's sad.
I can honestly say that I have never been in love in my life. I'm sure a lot of people would feel sorry for me because of that. But, I'd rather wait for the guy who I want to be with forever, then stuck with someone who I can simply tolerate for 20 years. In the end, a relationship that I simply tolerated would just be a daily reminder of the loving relationship I never had.
My Jake Ryan is out there and I will find him or he will find me.
It is sad,the way people are. Whatever happened to love anyway? Seems like its been replaced with lust.
Crystal, I'm finding that it's not that love doesn't exist, it's that most people have given up on finding it. Most don't think they're worthy of it. That's why I did several "it starts with YOU" posts (That I got rid of because I thnk thye induce migraines). People settle because they think "This is the best I can do" and TONS of people get married because they think marriage = love.
When they get married and find that it didn't become love, thenthey feeltrapped and bitter and thye take it out on each other. IT becomes this stupid/ugly downward spiral where you take out your self-hatred/depression out on the other person, bu tthen you feel guilty because you truly do love/care about this person even though you aren't "IN LOVE" with them....so then you feel WRSE about your self...around and around and around..
I'm just saying that it doesn't have to be that way. That's NOT how life is supposed to be, an dif yo believe in yourself, LOVE yourself...happiness will follow. Hell, after you shake out of the bullshit you may find that who you were with really IS "The One" it's just you were both looking/going at it the wrong way.
Sure, you'll still have arguements about what movie to go see, but instead of sleeping different hours or in differnet rooms, you'll compromise and have some seriously hot make-up sex later and laugh at how silly you both can be sometimes.
Everybody has their motives for acting, or not acting, in certain ways. Some people simply don't have the capacity to love that way. Some people are lazy. Some people are lonely and seek anything to make that better. Too many people have a ferked up definition of love. Yet, I believe that two people who have a compatible definition of love and share a vision for their relationship can experience a love that is based on respect, friendship, mutual attraction and all the things that make a heart swoon. They know why they are with that person and they know why they love that person. They know that they did not settle.
Most people probably have given up on it and think that love like that is a myth. I'm just not one of those people.
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