Spontaneous Story #1!

Sometimes I'll try and do the "stream of consciousness" thing in short story form. I posted 3 on my MySpace page that nobody read. Enjoy.

(The following is from last Thursday.)

Today sucked. First, I couldn't sleep last night because my friggin dentist drilled the pain into my melon. First thing in the morning JUST as I was about to fall asleep William Shatner calls me "J, where are you? You're supposed to pick me up at the airport! Get yer ass over here!" and I'm all "Fuck Bill, you said friday man! FRIDAY! It's Thursday!" and he's all "I caught an earlier flight so we could hang out longer. Now come pick me up!". So I get up and go drive way the fuck out to the airport....C'mon, he's Captain Fucking Kirk man, I gotta go pick him up right? Aaaaaanyway, so Bill's hungry and he just has to have waffles. "Let's go to IHOP!", and i'm like "Sigh....BIll. Dude. You know I fucking HATE IHOP. They suck." and he's like "Yeah, but I'm your guest and I like all those little jellies they have on the table" and I'm all "BILL ! FUCK!! dude, they have jellies on the table at every friggin diner from here to fuckin......Vulcan." That was it. I pissed him off. "Why the hell do you have to crack Star Trek jokes?! Huh?! YES, I was Cpt.Kirk. I GET IT! I KNOW! I thought you were my friend. " So I'm feeling bad and we're at a red light so I look at him "Bill.....man, I'm sorry. I shoudln't do Trek jokes. I know you're sick of that shit and you have your Boston Legal gig and your new gameshow....I'm sorry." and he gets all serious "Nah...it's ok. I know you didn't mean it. Meh, let's go to Village Inn instead. I want pie!" so then I say "Yeah, you're right. No more Trek jokes. I shoulda cracked a T.J. Hooker one instead" and he's all ".......Fuck you." and then we both bust up laughing!



Later we're at V.I. and wouldn't you know it, no fuckin jellies on the table and Bill goes friggin APESHIT "Don't you know who I am?! I want to talk to the manager! I want jelly!!!! Applebutter!! Do you know what applebutter IS?! I'll have your job....um.....where's your name tag....STACY!! I'll have your friggin job Stacy!!". Needless to say we got jelly and they only charged us for my Key Lime pie. So we get out of there and Bill's all "STRIP CLUB!!", "Dude, aren't you married?", "Yeah, but it's for you. I want to pay you back for that time in Vegas when you kept me from hooking up with that fat girl at Rain.", "It was a dude man, a fat dude. ", "Yeah, that's what I mean. I was LIT".



So we go down to the strip club/steakhouse and it's DEAD. All the noon girls are bored and really don't want to be there.....there's tons of suits there for the luch buffet, and of course they're all Trek fans who keep staring and opinting. This one girl tells Bill that she loved him in Terror at 20,00ft or whatever that Twilight Zone episode was and of course that's all it takes...next thing you know he's giving her $20's like he's handing out candy for Halloween, and he's getting lapdances from her.....and I just want to get out of there because the only girl paying attention me is the strung out crackhead with the bad dye job. Sweet girl, but all the twitching freaks me out. I mean, there was a new girl there, but I can only laugh at the noobie trying to walk in her stripper shoes for so long til I start to feel sorry for and guilt myself into handing my friggin paycheck over. Poor thing. They look so cute, like newborn deer, when tey first wear the stripper shoes.



Anyway....Bill's hotel is only a block away so I tell him I'm splitting and I'll catch up with him later. I don't even now if he heard me. He had his face buried in this girls chest. Then as I'm leaving all the guys are up in my face "Dude, you know Shatner?! OMG! What's he like? Do you think I can get his autograph?" sigh....Bill's cool and all, but fuck, sometimes man, it's a big pain in the ass hanging with him.



The preceding was bullshit. No, seriously....all lies.