I'm an IDIOT

Well, as you've read over the past weeks, nay months even, I've been all up and down and all over the fucking place mentally and emotionally. I figured it out. I've been sucked into "The boy who cried wolf" or something sickeningly similar aaaaaaand it's my own fault.

Yep.

Sad soul: Help! Help! My life sucks. Oh the pain! GOd, Im so fucking miserable! I don't know what to do! HELP! Please help!!

Jerk: Hey, I think you're great and I've been in pain and down before and if I can get out of it, you can too! :) What's wrong?

Sad soul: Huh? What do you mean? OH all that yelling? Yeah, nevermind. Things aren't anywhere NEAR as bad as I made them sound. Everything's good. Thanks though.

Jerk: Oh....ok.....well then, um, I still think you're cool, awesome really so if you need any help feel free to hit me up. :)

A little time goes by...

Saddy: OOoohhhh Fucking misery. GOd I feel SO alone. Help! I"m living a fucking LIE! My life is a LIE!! How the fuck did this happen?! How did I allow this to happen?! I feel so helpless! (Sob)

Jerk: It's going to be ok. I'm here. I want to help you. There's no need to feel that way. You can get out of any bad situation. I.....I want to help you. GOd, you're so amazing and wonderful. Let me help you.

Saddy: What bad situation? Everythings ok. In fact, I can't believe how good I've got it in comparison to some people. I've got everything I need really. I'm happy. Happy enough anyway. I'm not lonely. I've got friends, and my son and this really decent guy in my life who's just a bit misunderstood. I'm just being selfish.

Jerk: Oh....ok......um, but you said..

Sad: I was exagerating. Don't worry. You're a really great guy Jerk, and maybe in another time or place we could...I don't know.

Jerk: Another time and place? Um...if everything was ok, why would you be sad all the time and then telling "Maybe in another time and place"?

Sad: Huh? OH that....nevermind. Just talkin out my ass. LOL no biggie. Forget about it.

A little more time goes by....

Sad: HELP!!! GOd my life SUCKS! Help me please. I'm trapped! I don't know how much more I can take! Please help me!! I'm scared. God, I am SO scared. I need, I NEED to do something!

JerkDumbass: I'm here! I'm always ready to help. You're so beautiful and amazing. There's no need for you to be in so much pain. I'll take care of you. I just need to get some of my shit together. I've been down for awhile but you're so amazing, I want to fix myself and then see if maybe we can have somethng together. You're not happy. You're in pain and you can fix that. I'll help and when you DO we can see if maybe we...

Sad: Nononononono.....what are you talking about? You're great guy. Really; but I'm ok. NO pain going on here. Things are ok. I'M ok. I'm going to stay here and everything's going to be golden. :)

JerkShmuck: Oh. :( OK. You sure seem like you're really not happy. I'll leave you alone th..

Sad: NO! Don't go! OK....maybe I'm not as bad as I say, but I'm not good either. IN fact, when I thnk about it. I'm really fucking FAR from great. Don't go. I like you, and when you're not around I miss you.

JerkPathetic loser: Well I like you too. A lot actually. I"ll stick around and if you DO need help I"ll be here. :)

Sad: Ok. Thanks Jerk. I....I need someone. I'm so sad and lonely.

JerkDoofus: I don't want you to be sad. Can I hold you? I thn you need to be hel..

Sad: FUCK NO! God no! I'm ok. Everything is going to be ok. I'm just being selfish. All the thimgs I've said are blown WAY out of proportion. I'm ok. Just........don't...don't leave ok? Please?


Over and over and over again.....

Jerk gets angry at the situation. Jerk gets angry at the guy. Jerk gets angry at "Saddy". Jerk cries because he can't help. Jerk feels ok because it's not as bad as they made it sound. Jerk gets sad again and cries because this person is miserable. Jerk is trying to be cool with things and leave her alone because she says everythigns ok. Jerk gets depressed because she says things AREN'T ok, she's just making excuses for "him" and the situation. Jerk feels happy and ok because she's going to fix things and move on. Jerk feels miserable because now she says things are even MORE fucked up, but she's going to stay no matter WHAT!! Jerk is angry/sad/depressed because he finally WANTS something, finally KNOWS what he wants....this amazing woman, but she, and this I thnk is what hurts Jerk most, she'd rather be miserable/"Everything's fucking AWESOME!!/miserable again than be with him. Ever.

Up
Down
Backwards
Forward

All the while not leaving.
Not her.
Not Jerk.
Not the situation.

Up
Down
Backwards
Forward

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I'm sad.
I'm happy.....

I'm an idiot.



I try to hate her.
I can't.
I try to help her.
I can't.
There is no problem.....wait....
Now there is.
No...nevermind.
Go away.
PLEASE STAY!!
I'll leave.
NO!
I'LL be the one to leave.

I can't.
I can't.

I'm an idiot.

I don't want to give up.
There IS a problem.
It's NOT getting better.
Ignoring it, for you kid, for ANY reason, is NOT a solution.
I.....
Ache.
I'm confused.
I'm all over the fucking place.
I want to LIVE!
Live and grab this world by it's fucking throat!!
I feel powerful!
I cannot be stopped.
I will NOT be stopped.
What I want WILL be mine!

Im an idiot.

I'm hopeless.
Helpless.
I'm sad.
I'm jealous.
I'm angry.
I'm depressed.
I"m suicidal.
I'm a fool.
A romantic, stupid, fool.
I'm a fucking JOKE.
I have nothing to offer anyway....

But then.....there's hope. I see a glimmer of hope. If I work hard enough. If I don't give up. If I dont give up on her. If I dont let HER give up on her....it CAN happen! It's worked out for others. If they can do it....

But then....it's all shit again.

Up
down
backwards
forward

over and over and over again...

I'm an idiot right?
I AM an idiot.
Right?

Then how come.....no matter what..after I calm down...after all this SHIT, I still have this deep, DEEP, weird feeling that everything's going to work out and we WILL be together? WHY do I feel that we will be together it's just going to take time?

It's because I'm an idiot right?