First, I want to appologize to everybody for jsut up and deleting my old blog without saying goodbye or anything. I've been going through a lot of shit lately and I just freaked and wiped the slate clean trying to get a fresh start. IT wasn't cool to the few people who kind of know me and those of you that really do for some reason like me even though sometimes I dont liek myself. My mom said once that going away parties aren't for YOU they're for everyone else to say things that they need to or want to say to you and if you blow it off you insult and hurt those people by making them think that their caring doesn't mean shit.
I'm sorry.
I didn't used to care (obviously), but recently I wanted to, NEEDED to say goodbye to someone and for awhile I thought I wasn't going to be able to, that they were going to do what I did and just disappear. I wont lie, it hurt. God, it hurt. I NEEDED for her to let me say goodbye, to let her know I was ok and that she, I, WE could let go. I got to say goodbye finally. It hurt. It sucks. It had to be done. We'll see what life has in store for us now. Who knows.
I'm going to do something I haven't done before, to for a long time anyway. I'm going to ask for your help. I'm going to need some of your strength ok? I feel so weak right now. I know that this deep hurting will go away, but it's just so THICK right now ya know? I just need you, whoever reads this and is a virtual pal of mine to just be that, my pal ok? I need you guys right now. I'm going to try really hard not to be a downer person because I dont want to be that guy anymore. I need to make changes. I NEED to make changes and I am and I just need positive people right now or I'll fucking fall apart ok?
I'm going to be ok. I know I will, I know it. I just need to get past this first wave. Can you guys help me do that? Please? I know you don't really know me, and I'm not in your world really, but please, can you guys help me past this first wave? It's gonna take awhile. It hurts so fucking bad. I know I'm gonna write some silly thing, random suttf.....and this pain is gonna sucker punch me and hit me for a brief moment. I know because it's done it several times already while just writing this damn post. I feel happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I know that this is what she and I NEED to do, and sad because....fuck so many reasons. Just please, understand and bare with me. I just need you guys to help hold me up when I stumble here for awhile ok? No pity, because this is a good thing. It feels painful and shitty and bad so bad and it fucking SUCKS but it's the right thing so no pity ok? That's not what I'm going for. I just need your strength for awhile. You shoulder. Your ear. OK? You can say that you're sorry that this is going on, but let's not wallow ok? Don't let me if I try either ok? I need you guys to help me get past this first bit and I know I'll be ok. So for the next few post I'm going to try and empty all this crap out so I can move on.
Thanks.
:)
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Just some things I need to get out.
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13 comments:
Gives Jerk a happy positive hug (cuz he needs one) and offers a mom-like shoulder so he lean, cry, pour out feelings, and just down-right feel better on.
I cared enough to find your new and improved blog... so I am here if ya ever need me k?
Oh - and if you should ever want a new and improved look for your blog... let me know. It's on me for free. Just cuz...
Strength? Check.
Shoulder? Check.
Ear? Check, check.
Pity? Nope.
Hug? Check.
You're one of the good guys Jerky, you really are. I've said it already, but if you need an ear, a shoulder, whatever...let me know.
Like the name by the way.
I say let it all out! Swear, yell (ie: write in caps), do whatever you need to. The thing about being in that kind of pain, is that it takes time to get over. Lots of time. And unfortunately, time only flies when you're having fun. You'll get through it though, and it will make you stronger. Glad you're back!
Okay, I'm here...I'm not really strong though, I can't even climb a rope, but I can be funny sometimes so maybe that will help. Okay I think I'm funny sometimes, others don't always get the joke you know? Stupid others.
I'm late, as usual but I'm here. I'm glad to be here. I don't pity you. And this feels really strange but I feel like that now too ._. I could cry.
But I'm not going to.
Yes, it's going to hurt for a while and feel shitty but me being a masochistic person a part of me likes that feeling. The self destructive side that wants me to suffer has been craving for this feeling for months. You wrote it down so perfectly and now I feel like it.
I'm not a happy person and I don't really like hugging but that all depends on the situation. Oh well, what I really meant is I'm here if you need me.
Hope it gets better soon.
:)
J, just try and get rid of me! I'm a pest, remember?
I once told Esso that emotional pain like this is how we know we are alive and functioning. If it didn't hurt, if we were only numb, we would cease to be any good to ourselves and others. This pain is good, it proves that you care and that you can still reach out to people. Cold comfort at this moment, I'm sure, but there it is.
I'm not surprised all of your commenters on this have been women. The guys are supporting you, too, but as you know, guys are not good at expressing things like this. Of course, that half-assed, "hey man, buck up," is probably exactly what you need.
So, HEY MAN, BUCK UP.
Luv,
JG
Oh, baby, you've ogt my virtual shoulder anytime! Everything happens for a reason! I think you need some chocolate...
draw all the energy you need. i have plenty, and it's full of joy and fun! (i found the key!)
anything you need. You know that. We are bloggy friends afterall. I understand the hurt that can't be fixed no matter how much you want to. The unrequited misery of friendship/love lost.
It takes a lot of selfexamination and discipline, oddly enough. It's the I want to call, e-mail, just say hi things that are tough.
Through this fire you will be tempered and come out stronger. That doesn't mean you still won't think about it or be sad sometimes, but you will see who you are inside and out. That is an amazing thing.
want some weed?
Suck like a dyson?
I know someone who'd say the same thing.
I really hope I do not know you.
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