I dont know why I write about deep shit.
I don't know why I ask you questions to which there are no answers, or to which the answer is different to other people.
I don't know why I let othres convince me that I have a brain, a high IQ rolling around up here.
I don't know why there's no sun up in the sky....stormy weather.
I don't know why you read this and don't comment.
I don't know why you reads this and DO comment.
I don't know why I bother.
I don't know why I DON'T bother to do other things.
I don't know why every day...
EVERY
DAY
I feel the overpowering urge to give up, and yet feel the undefeatable will to go on.
The want, the need, the lust, the passion, the yearning for more, there has to be more, there HAS to be more.
It cannot all be sleepwalk.
It cannot just be.......
Can it?
Fuck, the more I write here the more I think you're all laughing at me or telling your friends/family "Hey, there's this crazy fucker trying to figure out the universe on his blog and it's the saddest, stupidest, HILARIOUS bullshit I've ever read. Truly pathetic man, you should check it out.".
I'm tired of giving up before I even start.
Aren't you?
Aren't you fucking TIRED of just meandering through this shit?
Then why does it seem that I am alone in this?
Why does everyone I ask, everyone I talk to about anything of importance, anything having to do with "happiness" whatever it may be, just fucking SHRUG when I ask?
Shit, I can't even expalin what the fuck I MEAN when I say "happiness". It's not the idealized shit man. Fuck, you already read the previous bullshit I'm sure.
I'm starting to think that if everybody really did decide to jump off a bridge you all WOULD. "It's just what we do J. We jump off the bridge. What do you MEAN do I want to? Of course I dont want to. Yes, I could just get out of line, but what then? Just go stand in ANOTHER fucking line? No thanks man, I'm gonna stay here and jump off the bridge. It's just how things are.".
Ha.
See, today, I let someone who gave up, get to me.
They harped on & on & on about how there's no point.
How you just EXIST and the MOST you can ask for is that bad shit doesn't happen.
This guy, he goes on about how he met the girl of his dreams, how she wanted him, BEGGED him to be with her and he couldn't/wouldn't do it so she left and he's cried off & on for YEARS over her and hates himself and takes it out on the girl he's with like it's HER fault he didn't go after this other girl and now he's heard how she's in a crappy relationship....
So I tell how I met this girl that is just beyond words......and do you know what this fucker says to me? After all his bullshit, all his pain and self-fucking-LOATHING and how he's regretted it all these years and can't stand that he didn't go for it...
He tells me..."Yeah, well don't bother man. You'll never get that. You should have stayed with your wife because at least you had SOMEBODY. You should just hook up with some local(read easier/closer) girl and forget that "Dream" shit."
Fuck.
I got a comment on the past post from a lady that gives me hope, and yet.....is she just as insane as I'm starting to think I am? lol It's starting to seem like there are only sane hopeless/sad people and all the hopeful people need to be institionalized.
Geebus, I just need to go back to blogging about wanting to bang Jessica Alba all the fucking time with an occasional "I like cheese!" thing thrown in for grins don't I?
I'm worried that I'll end up like that guy.
If I give up on the dream, if I don't even TRY for it and I find out that I COULD have had it if only I'd gone after it.....
I'll never forgive myself.
I'll hate myself.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to go for it and find out that it was all a lie, a silly dream and I'm afraid to let it go and have it never come back.
What to do...what to do....
Friday, December 08, 2006
A Quickie
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3 comments:
My Mother had a fight with her father when she was 14 years old. An hour later she went out to the barn to apologize and he shot himself in the head in front of her, killing himself. She has blamed herself everday since. It totally fucked up that whole generation of my family. My Mom, Aunts and Uncle. All substance abuse problems and anger and depression. it trickled down to us.
There have been many a day, very very recently I wanted to take ALL my pills and go to sleep. I don't because it will destroy another entire generation. My sisters, my cousins, my neices my nephews. That is what suicide does.
don't give up on your dreams. look, if you don't go for it, you will for sure NOT get it. focus on what you want so that you can't see anything else. we get back what we send out. if we send out "i can't" we get can't. if we send out "i can, i have" then that's the result we get. the how will take care of itself.
I wasn’t going to say anything, but I do that all the time and I don’t know, I’m all about helping so I hope this helps in some small way.
Two of my best friends in all the world, Jason and Christine (yep, those are their names) faced pretty ridiculous odds when they first realized they were crazy in love. He had a wife and she had a long time boyfriend. They were incredibly unhappy in their relationships. They also lived totally separate lives on opposite sides of the country.
They did what few people are willing to do….they gave up everything to be together. And that was difficult, because they’re both people who put others ahead of themselves. They’ve been together now for 7 ½ years. Neither is perfect, but they’re perfect for each other. Not only do they love each other, not only are they best friends, but they are still totally, completely, head over heels, the hills are alive with the sound of music IN love.
Oh yeah, they're pretty damned happy, even when things around them are falling apart.
So yes, that kind of love does exist. It’s just rare. Their relationship takes a lot of work and commitment, and they wouldn't have it any other way. They’re the example I look to when I wonder if I should settle. When I see them together, I know what I want is more than possible.
So there you go. It does exist and you’re probably one of the rare people who’ll get out and find it (although it sounds like you’re already halfway there).
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