Tales from the Jyrk

First, Heroes rocks (I'm on the list, are you?). Blow me LOST; there's a new sheriff in town that actually answers questions and is going somewhere. OH, and Day Break kicks your sorry ass too just hardly anyones watching. Diggs is tha man.


From the mind that brought you "ATTACK OF THE PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND" (which I shouldn't have deleted) and "JOEL AND THE MAGIC CARWASH" (which....I shouldn't have deleted) comes...

JERKY DAHMER AND THE FREEZER OF DEATH!!!!
(echo-o-o-o)

Back in oh, I think it was '88 maaaybe '89, my mom and I went out to Kansas to see my Gram n' Gramp (I call them the Grands sometimes)for a week. It was summer, and we had a nice time chilling at the lake and such before heading back to the Little/Big city o' Denver. The Grands had bought a friggin side of beef that summer and hooked us up with a bunch of free steaks and hamburger.

We get back home, unpack and I go down to the basement to put the meat in this bigass freezer we had. I lift the lid and water POURS out the back of the lid and a half a sec later this......STENCH hits me and I almost blow chunks into the damn thing. It's horrendous, disgusting, nasty......have you ever smelled death or rotting meat? Yeah, that smell, only times a million-billionty five or so. It was badder than bad smelling and it traveled faster than an STD from Paris Hilton to any poor bastard within 3ft of her. My mom almost instantly yelled "OMG...what is that smell?". She only made it to the door to the basement and she was gagging. At some point, the freezer had died and everything went uckey. I couldn't remember the last time I'd gotten something out of it. Maybe a couple weeks? Most of the stuff we used often was in the fridge's freezer upstairs.

Aaaanyyywaaay...

It became my job to clean the thing out. Woo hoo! I smeared Vicks Vaporub under my nose, got a bandana to tie covering my nose and mouth, put some cologne on it and commenced to load up garbage bags with meat, ice cream cartons, bags of frozen veggies and assorted "what the hell did this USED to be?" stuff. I cannot possibly explain the disgusting soup of nasty, sugary, veggie DEATH there was about a foot and a half deep in this thing. I was up all night loading bag after bag of crap and hauling it out to the townhome complex dumpster. One after the other, all night, heavy, mishappen bags of stinky meat. I did it until all that was left was the (I'm seriously kind of gagging picturing this crap again) liquid. Man, liquid is a gross word. Liquid. There was "liquid" in the freezer. (ack...uck...). Meanwhile the stench is everywhere, on everything. You could even faintly smell it up on the second floor where my bedroom was. I showered more than an entire Olympic swim team for WEEKS after that and I could swear I still smelled it. OH, but we weren't the only ones. Nooooooo. It's a townhome afterall with units attached on either side sharing a foundation. Ah yes, the neighboUrs smelled it too and called the manager. I was asleep when he showed up the next day, but my mom says that when she opened the door he was about 6 feet back from it with a nervous look on his face. She explained what happened and that we were cleaning it out ASAP. She didn't understand why he was acting so weird and she thought he stood back because he must have been in the neighboUrs basement and just didn't want a stronger wiff of the smell. It wasn't until I reminded her of the whole Dahmer thing that she laughed at how he was acting, but she was kind of nervous about everybody thinking she was a killer. I thought it was hilarious really, but that's my humoUr.

So, that next day I borrowed a buddies old wet/dry vac and emptied the slop out of the freezer. I must have used 8 gallons of bleach and soapy water to get the smell out. I even got an ultraviolet lightbulb and set a lamp in the thing to kill off shit. Not sure if that did anything, but it SOUNDED scientific and shit so what the hey right? (shrug)

The one guy who lived next door was a lovely policeman who liked to scream at the top of his lungs and I believe, at least it sounded like it, beat his wife and children. This guy LOOKED like a fuckin psycho cop. Who do you call when it's a COP breaking the law?

Well, one day about a month after the freezer thing, Psycho-cop went all apeshit, stomping, yelling, slamming doors, teenage son yelling, younger daughter crying, wife pleading......
I'd had enough and since the walls were thin enough to hear this shit I yelled "Shut the fuck up! Geezus CHRIST, what is WRONG with you people?!!!!!". Keep in mind I was a very grumpy, angry teenager who liked his sleep a LOT and to wake up to this shit at the crack of noon on a Saturday was NOT acceptable. I went off yelling and stomping myself "Crazy fuckers always freaking the FUCK out!! Fuckin.....godammit...grumble....TRYING TO FUCKIN SLEEP...growwlll....FUCK!". Scared the SHIT out of my Mom she did that trying not to let anyone hear whisper/yell thing "J! That guy's a nutcase and he owns a GUN! What if he comes over here? He's a cop! Who are they going to believe if he snaps?!". Meanwhile, it had gotten reeeaaaalllly quiet next door. I could tell they were listening..SO, still pissed off, I yell "Yes, but I'm the fucking quiet guy who lives next door! I always keep to myself, never bother anyone....I seem like a really nice guy and for all HE knows I had 10 bodies in my FUCKING FREEZER!!!!!". Mom actually covered her mouth trying not to laugh too loud. The cop slammed his front door and stomped out to his car and I shit you NOT, a couple weeks later they moved out. Which is good, because after I calmed down I was a little feaked he was going to shoot me and/or cover my bike with heroin and have his buddies over to beat the shit out of me as I "Resisted arrest". I don't know where that crazy fucker moved, but I hope it was in a different direction from his family.

I know the "smell" story went through the whole complex and I revelled in it. I'd stare all creepy at the neighboUrs I didn't like. It was cool. You want people to leave you the fuck alone or fear you? Have your feezer die and empty it out in the middle of the night dressed like you're filming an N.W.A. video.

Ya know.....that manager was always really nice to me. EXTERMELY friendly in a "Please dont kill me and eat me" manner.

What a nice guy.